Dad and Buried @DadandBuried Twitter profile

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Dad and Buried

2 years

Email: Happy to jump on a quick call if you prefer! Me: THERE IS LITERALLY NO SITUATION IN WHICH A PHONE CALL IS PREFERABLE

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

6 years

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

7 months

@roastmalone_ I’m reading the replies just to get ideas on what to tell people to get me since I don’t know either 🤣🤣🤣

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@DadandBuried

3 years

The only thing more embarrassing than your glasses fogging up when you wear a mask is killing immunocompromised strangers/children/senior citizens and extending a global pandemic because you can’t handle being slightly inconvenienced.

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@DadandBuried

11 years

I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out "be careful!" every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

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@DadandBuried

10 years

I can't tell if I'm hungover or just 38.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

11 years

My son can now reach the light switches so don't come over my house unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

7 years

I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

11 years

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope's all quitty! - Nuns N' Moses (I'm so sorry)

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Anyone who worries their kids might be autistic or *gasp* gay should spend more time worrying about them growing up to be assholes. That shit’s hereditary.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Me, to other parents: We try to limit screentime to two hours a day at most. Me, to my toddler: Here’s my Netflix password, don’t wake me before noon.

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@DadandBuried

7 years

Netflix and chil...dren. Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.

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@DadandBuried

3 years

“Do you like dinosaurs? Yes or no?” My 5yo, speed dating at the playground

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@DadandBuried

5 years

My son just complained that we eat pizza too often. I've never been speechless before.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

4 years

Even if Biden pulls this off, it’s impossible not to be disheartened. It’s astonishing that after four years of chaos, hatred, infinite lies, and 230k+ deaths, 60 million people still approve of Trump. What happened to us?

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

9 years

Whenever I have a snack I turn on the faucet so my son doesn't hear the bag crinkle because parenting makes you a prisoner in your own home.

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@DadandBuried

12 years

Who needs an alarm clock when you're toddler is such an unbelievable asshole?

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@DadandBuried

5 years

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

5 years

Once you can send your kids to play in the other room without worrying about them dying, the second part of your life begins.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

6 years

My son started school today. I'm excited to meet all the new illnesses he'll be bringing home this fall.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

11 years

Favorite esses: 5. Actresses 4. Stewardesses 3. Waitresses 2. Mattresses 1. Breastesses

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@DadandBuried

4 years

There are three certainties in life: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. My wife going radio silent and ignoring every one of my text messages immediately after she’s sent me to the store for things she needs

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

11 years

At this point in my life, I feel like being tired is just my personality.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

7 years

Trying to decide if I should have another cup of coffee or abandon my family.

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@DadandBuried

12 years

There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Told my wife I feel like I’m getting sick and she immediately started filibustering about how she never feels great but she powers through and gets everything done so if I’m anything short of dead tomorrow I’m totally screwed.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

6 years

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

6 years

Sex is good but have you tried accidentally waking up in the middle of the night and then realizing you can go back to sleep for four more hours?

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@DadandBuried

5 years

My wife is out so I tried to be Fun Dad and let my kids stay up late to watch a show - if they could agree on one. After ten minutes of nonstop bickering & fruitless browsing, Fun Dad became Frustrated Dad and I turned off the TV & the lights. NOBODY’S GETTING SHIT NOW! BED TIME!

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@DadandBuried

5 years

Today is either Friday or Wednesday or Tuesday or Monday or Saturday. I’ve been in pajamas for a week and I literally have no idea anymore.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

11 years

My kid is walkin around the house, asking "Where's my balls?" I don't know, son, but check your mom's purse. That's where mine are.

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@DadandBuried

12 years

The fact that I just angrily yelled "You're not the boss of me!" at my two-year-old is a pretty clear indication that he definitely is.

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@DadandBuried

8 years

*decorating the tree* 6yo: Dad, can I help? Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

6 years

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them. Other times they’re awake.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

7 years

Sometimes I'm like, "Why aren't I more successful?" Then it takes me three tries to get my arm in my coat sleeve and I'm like, "Ah, right."

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

5 years

Why can’t babies just scream internally like the rest of us?

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

6 years

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

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@DadandBuried

7 years

I'm eating cookies for lunch because I'm 40 years old and honestly who even gives a shit anymore.

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@DadandBuried

5 years

Sex is great and all but have you ever gotten your kids to bed and had enough time to watch an entire movie without falling asleep halfway through?

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@DadandBuried

6 years

I don’t think PAW PATROL is very realistic. I’ve never seen a dog tolerate wearing a hat for more than ten seconds.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Parenting would be less difficult and horrifying if every one of your kids’ worst tendencies wasn’t a reflection of your own shortcomings.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

My 2yo just started cheering when he heard Netflix start up if you’re wondering how my parenting is going.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

I don’t want to use the word “hero,” but we got to Grandma’s 15 minutes ago and I haven’t started drinking yet.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

10 years

I feel like landlords who don't allow dogs but DO allow children don't know very much about children.

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@DadandBuried

6 months

Get married and have kids so instead of spending the week between Xmas and NYE cuddled up while watching your favorite movies, you can take the family bowling and throw out your back while watching your 13yo desperately try to score a 69

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

7 years

Parenting is 50% coming to terms with your kids being exactly like you and 50% coming to terms with you being exactly like your parents.

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@DadandBuried

12 years

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

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@DadandBuried

4 years

If she's excited for New Year's Eve, she's too young for you, bro.

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@DadandBuried

5 years

In the middle of an absolutely EPIC tantrum, my toddler paused, demanded to go potty, proceeded to unleash a strong number two, allowed himself to be wiped, then hopped off the toilet and immediately resumed his tantrum, as if nothing had happened. Kids are fucking terrifying.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

5 years

Get married and have kids so instead of literally doing whatever you want all the time you can be forced to schedule every waking moment of your existence around ungrateful banshees who refuse to nap and won’t stop eating your potato chips.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

6 years

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

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@DadandBuried

9 years

Who the hell has the time and energy to stalk someone? I'm barely even interested in what I'M doing.

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@DadandBuried

10 years

Being a parent is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get a little alone time.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Dilemma: I don’t want my kids to melt their brains with video games but I also don��t want them to talk to me for at least three more hours.

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@DadandBuried

4 years

Before I became a father, I dreamed of one day watching STAR WARS with my kids, and now that that dream has come true, I want them to fucking stop talking during it.

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@DadandBuried

11 years

I’m starving. I think I’ll make myself a drink.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

My 7yo’s so excited there might be a snow day that he went to bed early. I’m so excited he went to bed early that I didn’t tell him school’s already canceled.

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@DadandBuried

12 years

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

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@DadandBuried

6 years

7yo: I like waking up early and hearing the birds chirp. Wife: If you wake up even earlier you can see the sun rise. It’s beautiful! Me: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

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@DadandBuried

4 years

4yo: Daddy, when it's not Covid, can we go to the place where you roll the ball into the things? Me: You mean bowling? 4yo: Yes, when it's not Covid can we go bowling? Me: (holding back tears) Aw, of course not, buddy. Taking you and your brother anywhere is a total nightmare.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant. 7yo: You're being lazy! You're just doing what YOU want to do! Me: I'm doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you? 7yo: No. Me: 7yo: But I go to school so you don't go to jail.

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@DadandBuried

7 years

6yo: What's for dinner? Me: Pork medallions. 6: I HATE THOSE! Me: I'll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

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@DadandBuried

4 years

My wife was self-isolated with COVID-19 for over three weeks. She missed the kids so much she’d occasionally break down crying. Barely 10 minutes into getting out and finally interacting with them, she told the 9yo to “shove it up your ass!” Welcome back, honey!

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

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@DadandBuried

5 years

Toddlers are cool because they’ll casually walk around with a urine-soaked sack of feces strapped to their waist and when you offer to take it from them they’ll scream in your face.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

CLUELESS is better than MEAN GIRLS don’t @ me

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@DadandBuried

12 years

If repeatedly bouncing an inflatable plastic basketball off my son's head is child abuse then why are we both laughing so hard?

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@DadandBuried

4 years

You think you know what “loud” is and then your 4yo gets on a Zoom call with 15 other preschoolers.

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@DadandBuried

9 years

I've been carrying an acorn in my pocket for 3 months; I never know when my son might want it back & I want to avoid a meltdown. PARENTING!

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@DadandBuried

5 years

My toddler is running around the house screaming “Tacos! Tacos!” and while it’s only 11am, it’s a strong argument.

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@DadandBuried

5 years

Drop-off birthday parties are the parenting equivalent of finding twenty bucks in an old pair of jeans.

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@DadandBuried

12 years

It's when you and your spouse start referring to each other as "Mommy" and "Daddy" that you realize you're never having sex ever again.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

The most annoying thing about love is how it makes you forgive people who don’t deserve it.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Oh shit, it's #NationalWineDay ? Mom Twitter is gonna be LIT!!!!!!!!!

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@DadandBuried

4 years

I would like to formally apologize to every week I've ever complained was moving too slowly. Forgive me. I HAD NO IDEA.

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@DadandBuried

10 years

"Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!" - My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

In the midst of this rash of news-making celebrity suicides, don't forget about the countless anonymous people who perish without any fanfare. Depression doesn't discriminate and neither should we. Everyone deserves help and attention.

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@DadandBuried

12 years

I just sucked melted chocolate off my two year old's filthy fingers, in case you're from the future and wondering how the outbreak started.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Have kids so you can forever be trapped in the never-ending cycle of "finally getting over being sick" and "just starting to get sick again."

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@DadandBuried

5 years

My son is building a brewery in Minecraft. I’m so proud! I still don’t want to hear a fucking thing about it, but I’m proud.

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@DadandBuried

1 year

Not sick, not hungover, but a secret third thing (old)

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Whether it's guns (it's guns), mental health (plus guns), bad guys (with guns), or anything else (including guns), maybe we should finally try cutting back on guns? I dunno, I'm just spitballing.

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@DadandBuried

7 years

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

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@DadandBuried

5 years

Get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour, eating nachos, and hooking up, you can go home and wrestle children into pajamas after you angrily shove their uneaten fish sticks into your mouth.

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@DadandBuried

8 years

"I also have a much better temperament than she does." *LAUGHTER FROM LITERALLY EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE, AT HOME, ON EARTH* #debatenight

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@DadandBuried

3 years

I picked the wrong country to do dry January in

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@DadandBuried

7 years

This Halloween, I'm going as a Sexy Parent, which is just a parent who took a shower, got dressed, and is nowhere near any children.

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@DadandBuried

8 years

Marriage is just putting on a movie then looking to the other end of the couch and asking "You still awake?" every 10 minutes until it ends.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

*walks in* *finds wife sobbing in closet, clutching bottle of wine* Me: What’s the matter? Kavanaugh? Wife: *nods* Me: I understand. Wife: And also the children. Me: Yes. Obviously. *closes door*

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@DadandBuried

1 year

Once you've figured out how to parent your first kid, it's already too late; the only way to put that knowledge into practice is to have another kid. Unfortunately, the second kid is so different from the first kid that none of the stuff you learned applies. It's a flawed system.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

6 years

Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon. 7yo: Me: Get dressed, please. 7yo: Me: Please get dressed. 7yo: Me: Hurry up and get dressed. 7yo: Me: Put your clothes on. 7yo: Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes! 7yo: Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!! 7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Wife watches in disgust as I walk in, take off my socks, and throw them on the floor directly *next to* the hamper. Her: I will murder you in your sleep. Me: Good, that’s how I want to go.

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@DadandBuried

6 years

Sex is great but have you ever watched the school bus take your kids away from you for the day?

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@DadandBuried

6 years

There are two kinds of people in the world: 1. People who don't like what their voice sounds like on a recording 2. Psychopaths

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@DadandBuried

7 years

Me (a good, responsible parent): WHAT THE FUDGE! My 6yo (proving me wrong): Did you mean to say fuck?

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@DadandBuried

4 years

I don’t know who needs to hear this but JLo’s entire life is dedicated to being in insane shape. Kudos to her but it’s not healthy for everyday people to compare themselves to someone with such an unrealistic lifestyle. Cut yourself some slack.

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Dad and Buried

@DadandBuried

4 years

Not everyone who voted for Trump is ignorant and racist and stupid and misogynistic and cruel and bigoted and gullible and selfish. But everyone who voted for Trump is almost definitely at least one of those things.

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