Brendan Cooney @CooneyOrDie Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@HELIX_es

Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Okay, but she has to explain this though…

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

If someone has one of these hats in line, add 25 mins to your Starbucks’ trip.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

I’ve been to 5 pharmacies and 4 urgent care locations and not single one would let me start an open mic there.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

1 year

Andrew Tate and Greta Thuneberg are my two favorite people. This is tearing me apart.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

1 year

Umm, didn’t rain like this in LA before the vaccine… 🤔

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

I have been fired as the talent booker for AMC Burbank 16.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

I have been hired as the talent booker for AMC Burbank 16.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

The former mayor of Huntington Beach just walked out to his PPV boxing match on Triller holding a blue lives matter flag & then was knocked out in the first round with one punch.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

5 years

Top 5 alt comedy punchlines: 1. Carol 2. Karen 3. Susan 4. Janet 5. Cum

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

1 year

@JoshuaTurek This after what that other woman did to you. I’m distraught dude.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

I have about 15 zooms left in me.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Tom Brady is the reason I got into kissing my son.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

It’s👏not👏an👏all👏white👏 lineup 👏if 👏someone👏is👏bisexual.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Who are the comics you think should get the vaccine last?

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

Female comics are not all angels. One time, I was invited over to someone I thought was a friend’s place “for pina coladas,” and the drinks ended up being healthy “skinny” pina coladas. And then you know what happened next...they did not taste good.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

1 year

One has to go?

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

1 year

This is craziest thing I’ve ever seen.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Texas banning abortions but welcoming comedians may go down as one of the worst decisions in human history.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

Have yourself a Bill Burr Christmas.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

“This next comic is very funny.”

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Oh my god...

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Zach Galifianakis once told me at the Hollywood Hotel he didn't sleep for three years after voicing Joker in The Lego Batman Movie.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

If you were popular & mean at open mics in 2013, things are not going well for you.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

If 👏u👏 do👏 a 👏sketch 👏about 👏Covid, 👏it’s 👏problematic 👏if 👏u👏don’t 👏have 👏someone 👏with Covid👏 in 👏it.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

LA Comic: I can get you on a show next time ur in town. The Show:

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 months

New apartment. Rate my set up (dudes only)

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

30 under 30, but it’s 30 comics without $30 to their name.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

A Liam Neeson type movie, but it’s a dad trying to get back his child’s money from UCB improv classes.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

In comedy, ppl will ask you to be in their sketches, which is flattering, but here’s the catch…they are bad.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Why comedians lie about their background I will never understand. If your dad helped run the Iran contra scandal or designed the Javelin surface to air missile, that’s hilarious. Talk about it.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Just got booster shot, if this one doesn’t make me gay, I give up.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Filming your friends’ set that’s not going well.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

The next Amazon CEO should be an evil person of color.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Quit my job today.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Okay, I’ll admit it is not real, but that is David Cross on the right.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

As a former open mic host, I don’t believe “unity” is possible.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Putin has moved to Austin.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

@IsabelOakeshott

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

Once at Meltdown, was in green room with a friend on the show, Jim Gaffigan came in. We we’re nervous, but when he saw we were low on the weed we had for our blunt, he laughed, reached into his pocket, & pulled out the biggest bag of cocaine I’ve ever seen & said “Here try this.”

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

When I first moved to LA, I asked about this open mic on badslava & was told “It’s in the guys’ apartment, he does the same material at the top everytime, a lot of it about child molesting, you pay $5, and most of the time there’s no one there.” That mic lasted 7+ years.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Telling people at any bar I'm at this summer "Hey, a comedy show is about to start," so me and friends have more space to hang.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Happy halloween!

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

Nooooooo!!!

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

What they don’t tell you about your thirties is that there will be 17 spidermans.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

5 years

The super bowl halftime show should be Nanette live.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

I have lost 300 followers from this tweet.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Isaac Hirsch, 28, in Burbank, California. He says his children will inherit his guns.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

Alt-comics want to be TV writers. Club comics want to be TV stars. And open mic’ers want to shoot up Ralphs.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Now, do you get it?

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Where’s the craziest place in Flappers you’ve had sex?

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

What’s something that ISN’T an open mic but still FEELS like an open mic to you?

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Once at The Comedy Store, a guy gestured to me & said “Hey, I don’t know you but you have a little bit of a tremor when you walk, you should ask your doc about that.” Went to Doc next day & was diagnosed with Endodynisus & that visit saved my life. The guy’s name was Joe Rogan.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Is it normal to shower with other comics after the show?

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

If this gets enough likes, I’ll reveal the LA comic my roommate just told me he has a crush on.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Take Putin’s name off The Comedy Store wall.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

Covid19 has been devastating for the guy suing LA small comedy venues for not being ADA compliant.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

A comedy show should not be fun.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

I just want one more opportunity to blame the audience.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

5 years

*Black guy in movie sees little boy. “Whatsup little man?”

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

If you thought I was playing, u were wrong. 🚨🚨Live Read 🚨🚨 This Monday (11/16) 9pm. Starring @DietJay @imitchelllamar @evermainard @veronicakallday @atifmyers @LukeDoesStuff & many more!! Tune in on twitch. More details to come. Thank you @shrimpJAJ for the announcement.

Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

Should I do a live read of the Flappers Pilot on Zoom, casting local talent to star? Would people be interested in this? If no one responds, I will realize this bit has run it’s course.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

If the comic is on stage looking at their phone, I try to AirDrop them a punchline.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

1 year

Can’t stress this enough. If you see something on the internet that has nothing to do with you… Get involved.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

6 years

Alt comics be like “The thing about 9/11 is cum.”

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

This is an actual show. 😆

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

1 year

2013 Google 2023 Google search: Most search: “Best” air “cost-effective” mattress air mattress

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

My first day at The Ellen Degeneres show someone walked up, put a knife on my desk, and said “Make sure you’ve used this by day three.”

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Yall see what they did to the hollywood sign?

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

Good morning, Later today, I will be starting a godundme for IG models that have lost racist followers. ❤️

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

We're back to that LA thing now where you'll go to a show and everyone you know will be great friends with a person you've never seen before that literally appeared out of thin air.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

Number of people who go bankrupt every year because of the Burbank Comedy Festival: UK - 0 France - 0 Spain - 0 Portugal- 0 Denmark - 0 Australia - 0 Iceland - 0 Finland - 0 Ireland - 0 Germany - 0 Netherlands - 0 Sweden - 0 Japan - 0 Chile - 0 Canada - 0 United States - 52

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

CDC Report: Safest place to be in the event of a virus outbreak is at a Los Angeles open mic because “Nothing can thrive there.”

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

How it started: How it's going:

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

There was an open mic in Los Angeles where the bar tender would leave the bar unattended and loudly practice the Trumpet in the back during people's sets. And it was one of the better ones.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Comedians that know how to defend themselves physically are breaking an unwritten rule.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

“Sorry the crowd was light, we’ll have you back soon.”

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

7 years

My son is a civil war statue and he didn't come home last night. Fearing the worst. He's 5'10'' 600 lbs and silver. Please RT.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

4 years

I think this is one of the funniest things I've ever done, but I'm also pretty drunk. Might delete. (Sound on)

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Top 5 signs the open mic was going to be bad in LA: 1: No microphone 2: You’re asked to host it 3. Parking situation causes suicidal ideation 4: The host does no time 5: Echoes

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

*Straight male comic on stage in Los Angeles "So I'm gay."

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

2 years

Today, I quit my job to pursue being bald full-time.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

I’ve been yelling “Comedy is back!” at the police for the last few days.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

3 years

Friend told me he got rejected from a creative job and they told him it’s because he’s “not a woman,” and it made me think of all of the insane, terrible, and shitty women I’ve met in my life that I would also hire over him.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie

1 year

The Dalai Lama has moved to Austin.

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Brendan Cooney

@CooneyOrDie