Perks of dating me:
- I think it's funny when you're mad
- I try hard not to smile, but then I feel bad
- I can laugh at a funeral
- If you cant understand what I mean, you soon will
- I sometimes wear my mind on my sleeve
- I have a history of taking off my shirt
- its ben
Hey.
This is the hardest thing in the world for me to do, because I love what I do for a living, but I just can't push it down anymore. I need to figure things out, because I'm not okay.
I'll be back, but with the state of the world, and twitch and life, I just need a break.
So! In case ya missed it, here's the cool big news:
I have been brought on as a Full Time Employee of LoadingReadyRun as a "Production Technician" which is a fancy way of saying I'm responsible for our our studios and tabletop shows amongst other things.
1/2
As a small note, I'm gunna take a brief break from doing Magic stuff for awhile. At least larger scale stuff. I'm not done with Magic, I love Magic. But today just really took the wind outta my sails and I'm gunna focus on some stuff that gets me really jazzed.
I'm so thrilled to be able to say that I have a stable income and can now do streams for fun instead of need. Thanks to everyone who supports LRR and I look forward to all the cool shit I get to bring you โค๏ธ
2/2
So! Turns out my Therapy Session was today (woops) but I made it in time and it was awesome! She knew what Twitch is and played MTG and we really hit it off. Got some solid groundwork done. Im feeling really good ya'll.
All I wanna do is grow up to be an adoptive Dad for at risk Queer youth and give them a home of love and understanding and everyday I stream and make content my goal is to become financially stable enough to support this.
Term Ive been tossing around to describe me since being called out on stream for "saying horny thing despite being ace" is PERFORMATIVELY HORNY
Its funny to say things like "unf. Hot boy. Yummy" And I do in fact think he hot.
But the only FUCK I want is to go the FUCK to sleep
Today I made a step that I've been afraid to do for awhile.
I called a psychiatrists office and am looking into getting the therapy that I've been needing for a long time. It's such a little baby step but I feel exhausted from doing it.
I want to get better.
I'm downsizing my mtg collection to mostly Singleton, but for Staples (lands, artifacts, etc) Im putting my copy in a binder, and printing nice proxies for the deck.
My question is, if I played you, would you expect me to replace the proxy with the real card from the binder?
Unlike previous Modern Horizons sets,
#MTGMH3
will feature Double-Faced cards. But not just any of them, we're going bring back the cycle of cards which show the transformation of characters into Planeswalkers.
I'm proud to be Pan-Ace, and since coming out I've felt a lot better about myself.
But being Ace sometimes just comes with this feeling of being a fundamentally broken human.
Its really hard to remind yourself that your not, and that your way of love is as valid as any other.
Fun part of post covid:
My tastebuds have changed and smoking now makes me vomit.
So
This is your heads up warning that I'm going to be an angsty little piss baby for the next bit while I attempt to quit smoking again. So if you see me being said angsty little baby, give candy.
Ive been slowly replacing my self depreciating humor with statements like, "I know I'm great" or "Hell yeah I'm a cutie pie"
While I don't really believe it, I think its been a solid first real step to being cool with existing. Someday I'll internalize it and then WATCH OUT ๐ค๐ค
Hey friends. I've had a lot of people reach out to me during this break with words of kindness and love, and I just wanted to say, Thank you. It was really difficult to step away, but during these 3 weeks I was able to start Therapy, both physical and mental, and have learned
We started dating and then suddenly a Pandemic hit. Here we are 3 years later.
We went and looked at fancy crimus lights to celebrate.
This is about as mushy as I get :P
Here's to many more ๐ฅฐ
So I literally built an entire Tasha Brawl deck thinking it was just like the regular card only to learn, in my first game, that it is very much not that and is in fact a tremendously fucked up card
Yesterday marks 5 years of being with my partner and 2 years of being a pupper dad.
Mentally I'm in the best place I've ever been, and I owe a lot of that to the both of them. Just happy in general tbh.
I will record myself saying literally every word in the dictionary for free and give it to Tik Tok if it means I don't have to hear that robo voice another day in my life
What about if instead of debating whether streaming or working a 9-5 is harder we agree that we all get payed way too little in a world that costs way too much.
That was a great show, and a great way to start my time off! Thanks for tuning in everyone, I got my first Therapy session on Wednesday and I'm really looking forward to it <3 Take care!
Can't imagine being a kid just getting into pokemon from the TV show and discovering that there's a card game that you can play, only to discover you can't get cards because adults are buying them all so they can sit in plastic unplayed for years like Rainbow colored stocks.
It's mind blowing that YouTube will DMCA you for casually whistling a song, but some rando can take your content and make a creditless compliation and score 100k+ views
I woke up and my back felt more sore, must be 29.
I'll be a little late going live this morning,
But I'll see you all later for a chill B-day hang. โค
Obviously biased here but:
The lay offs from Hasbro are awful, and my heart hurts for the people it's affected. It's a garbage situation and the CEO should be ashamed.
Please don't use this as a reason to harass MTG Content folk.
Honestly I teared up a bit at this.
This was the show that got me into magic years ago. It's honestly so surreal that I'm now one of these cards in the title sequence.
Life is wild sometimes <3
Me: "I tap out everything and whir of invention and grab a Platinum Emperion, which means my life total can't change"
Nicole: "What? How to I win then?"
Me: "Well ya gotta kill it somehow"
N: "Does Exile work?"
Me : "what?"
N: "Path to Exile?"
Me:
A lot of friends have been posting physical W's lately and I'm super stoked for them. I've been working on the mental side of things, and after a lot of work and help have my ADHD assessment today. Here's to getting my brain figured out.
Took a bit of the plunge today and sent some emails out to Therapists in town.
I've been really procrastinating on it, as taking care of myself has NEVER been a priority for me. But it's really time to make that change. Hoping I can get on the right track to feeling better.
Here's a much better picture of the card, so we can get that blurry stream image outta here.
Please go support the PPR, we worked really hard on it and as the editor of the deck reveal video, I think its gunna really blow your socks off <3
Well on a sad note my OBS crashed and refuses to restart so short stream today.
But I think its a sign, as its Nicole and I'm 2nd anniversary today so I'm gunna go be mushy and gross. Have a good day all!
I'm stuck feeling very much like I'd rather not exist, and no matter how much good I do, I'm just not happy.
I need some time to recover. Which is scary, because I'm more or less not "working" for a whole month, besides LRR streams.
But mental health comes first and all that.
Hey friends.
Desert Bus was wild this year, still blown away that we raised 1.1 million.
I want to get back to regular streaming/life, but I've come out of it feeling entirely drained, both emotionally and physically. My head is not in a good place, I'm really struggling. 1/2