jo @whatsJo Twitter profile

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

I came here to do two things: pray and quote Natalie Imbruglia, and I’m all out of faith

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jo

@whatsJo

2 years

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

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jo

@whatsJo

3 months

ＭＹＰＵＳＳＹＩＮＢＩＯ bots are like the house spiders of this app to me now. Existing alongside. Not bothering me. If they catch a man’s credit card info, well then that’s just their nature.

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jo

@whatsJo

2 years

I have an IUD, if it’s criminalized in Georgia can I keep this one until it expires or will a cop rip it out of me at my next annual

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

centipede: *walking by* Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7 me: before rush hour, smart move

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jo

@whatsJo

5 months

bisque jockey

EMOTION

@ULTRASLUT

5 months

WORK PARTY LAST NIGHT

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

it’s the third month of March, every day is Wednesday, and the time is either light or dark

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jo

@whatsJo

2 years

tsa agent: sorry you can only board with 3.4 oz of liquid or less me: ok just toss it out then Kool Aid Man: *dressed in tommy bahama* babe what

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today! my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ me: who

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

I H ad the time O f my life. And I never felt this way B urgers

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jo

@whatsJo

1 year

twitter blue is like paying to lower the basketball hoop and forcing everyone to watch you still miss

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

Chicken lays eggs Chicken loses job Chicken needs to make ends meet

Soulja Boy (Draco)

@souljaboy

6 years

Chicken strips

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jo

@whatsJo

3 years

give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a woman to fish and men will ask her who holds the record for catching a 138lb 6oz bass in 1969 for a lifetime

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jo

@whatsJo

3 years

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

him: I think we should see other people me: is that on hulu or netflix

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

date: can you take off your work gloves Jim Henson: they have names

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

mugger: how much you got me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

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jo

@whatsJo

3 years

the only people who enjoy setting off fireworks are guys that spend their workday imagining scenarios where they overtake a gunman

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

[commercial for stones] are you tired of killing 2 birds with your bare fuckin hands

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

I can’t imagine being so rich that I could make a global difference and just, you know, deciding not to

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

[through chopstick walrus tusks] divorth?

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jo

@whatsJo

2 years

aquarium security noticing my bump: how far along are you? me: excuse me?! octopus under my shirt: *jabs gun in my side a little harder* me: OW I MEAN 5 MONTHS!

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

him (a man of wealth and taste): please allow me to introduce myself. me (puzzled by the nature of his game): woo woo

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jo

@whatsJo

7 years

Oh I get it. Fun onions.

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jo

@whatsJo

8 years

Go ahead and call HR, I don't even work here.

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

I came here to do two things: pray and quote Natalie Imbruglia, and I’m all out of faith

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

judge: swear them in bailiff: ok get the fuck in there guys

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

[commercial for camping] do you fuckin hate your house

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jo

@whatsJo

1 year

my daughter once painted me a flesh snowman as a joke and wanted to get rid of it, but instead I hang it up every Christmas because it’s important to teach kids about committing to a bit

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jo

@whatsJo

8 years

Grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.

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jo

@whatsJo

7 years

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church uber: sure me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

hostess: how many people for your table? me: like a trade?

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

grocery stores should be quiet like libraries

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

her: kids grow up so fast these days me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers her: exactly! me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

Dr Mario: you have a tumor me: two more what

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

him, on one knee: will you marry me her: OMG onlookers: say yes! say yes!! me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

me: ok now let’s do a silly one first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

her: did you know makeup expires? me: *spits mine out* what

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

why aren’t missing dads pictured on cigarette cartons

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

cashier: paper or plastic me: it’s a debit card cashier: no for your milk me: oh haha liquid’s fine

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jo

@whatsJo

2 years

ok do not DM me about how I’m preventing myself from having beautiful children, my husband and I have four

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

The Terminator: I need your clothes Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

[I dont get invited to a party] me: shit [I get invited to a party] me: Shit.

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

quarantined babies don’t even know about crying in restaurants yet

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed* mama: stop that! monkeys: why hahaha mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

I started every essay in fourth grade with “it was a dark and stormy night” no matter what subject

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

kids: can we have a popsicle? me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

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jo

@whatsJo

2 years

interesting

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

me: I hate when I walk into a room and forgot why I went in there haha patient grabs my ankle: epipen

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jo

@whatsJo

3 years

anyone: what decade do you wish you could be born in me, a woman: never

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

The Pink Panther song is just The Jaws theme but sneakier

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jo

@whatsJo

7 years

One day, my kids will figure out "silly goose" means "fuckin asshole."

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us me: *into megaphone* NO

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jo

@whatsJo

8 years

For someone who said "Correct me if I'm wrong..." you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie grim reaper: no

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

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jo

@whatsJo

8 years

I'm not sure how you have your foot in your mouth, head in your ass, and nose in my business, yet here we are you fucking wizard.

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

fridge guy: I’m going to make a box that keeps food cold freezer friend: imma make an even colder box fridge guy: mine will fit a lot of food, and have a light to see it all freezer friend: .... nah fuck that part

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jo

@whatsJo

6 years

[invention of the chalkboard] remarkable

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jo

@whatsJo

3 years

Hedge funds giving strong “I’m not playing now that I’m tagged” vibes

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

a food truck called idontunderstandwich that only sells soup

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jo

@whatsJo

3 years

her: so what do ya think about kids? guy who invented banana flavored candy: I hate them

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together? bus driver: can’t but thanks

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

me: *collecting firewood* beaver: aw yeah make a dam me: *starting fire* beaver: hold the fuck up

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jo

@whatsJo

2 years

crop circles

David Kaib

@DavidKaib

2 years

What’s a major problem in your field that is unsolved?

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jo

@whatsJo

3 months

@emily81680085 🕷️❤️

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

me: popcorn button doesn’t work on the microwave him: what happened me: it’s still broccoli

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you daughter: no I have my own banana me: haha I know but its like a phone daughter: how

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jo

@whatsJo

3 months

@AntlerWeasel circle of life

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing him: nice what’s the highest you've been me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

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jo

@whatsJo

2 years

bradypoems

@bradypoems

2 years

@whatsJo I wrote a poem as a tribute to Mr. Cicada 🫡🔥

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jo

@whatsJo

3 years

brothers

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jo

@whatsJo

3 years

I have rights

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jo

@whatsJo

4 years

me, as a child: you must love cooking lunch lady: *hands me a tray* nope me: you must love kids then lunch lady: *ashes her cig in my mashed potatoes* nope

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jo

@whatsJo

9 months

@bobby @lanyardigan years ago, another mom saw me juggling four kids at the haircut place and on her way out she said “I see you, mama” and I levitated.

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jo

@whatsJo

5 years

her: HELP me: 🎶 I need somebody! *points at her* her: HELP me: 🎶 not just anybody *points again* her: me: ok ok *humming on my way down the lifeguard tower*

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