Allen Weisselberger 🥸 @weisselbergers Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

Any prison would be lucky to have me.

20

27

412

Last Seen Profiles

@Maddito_

@HBSLamplighters

@RahmodSmith

@StefanVersusTex

@itirafet0

@DrAlanpringle63

@gabsinaa

@yy5978570422084

@NKobserver

@VanJefferson12

@RuKGED

@Michi_Chan_Art

@ambre_pnt

@CodeRedCouture

@asmaryusifzada

@blittlewaun

@Zubairkhan78623

@alxcastrelo

@EidemBenjamin

@jeonloviu

@grepekontol9292

@SergeHarbMD

@hiramcoop

@YehiaSaleh_MD

@nyctimes

@sandrapaulinarg

@VicOkunrintemi

@Taha_Hatab1

@idreesnagi

@G4474Denise

@nbharat89

@CatalinaExpress

@vtorrb

@osmndeen

@smokez_beastly

@DosswaGanesh

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

7 days

Nothing says “I’m not bald” like a ski hat in Miami.

564

1K

19K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

Happy Unindicted Presidents Day!

289

3K

17K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Mary Trump just cast so much shade at Meghan McCain, the rain forests died

132

819

13K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

I’m bad at math. Which is more?

2K

13K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 year

8:00: Teslas will no longer come with wheels. 9:45: Teslas will come with wheels. 12:14: Three wheels. Fourth wheel for additional fee. 1:01: False 1:02: Teslas without “parody” bumper stickers will be recalled. 2:33: 🤣 4:57: The steering wheel counts as a wheel.

184

2K

13K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 year

Lauren Boebert hasn’t enjoyed this much influence since her last DUI.

123

1K

12K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Sorry if you tried to leave a message. Voicemail is full. I'll be out of the office until 2024 to 2026.

189

904

8K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 months

Among MANY charges filed against the son of Lauren Boebert are three counts of (wait for it) contributing to delinquency of a minor.

381

2K

9K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

5 months

Everyone watched MTV on a color television, dipshit.

Dean Phillips

@deanbphillips

5 months

Imagine waking-up January 21, 2025 with a President who grew up listening to U2 and watching MTV on a color television.

4K

93

1K

168

574

9K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

The boss loves George P. Bush like his own son

167

426

7K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Keep your friends close but your daughters-in-law closer

125

400

6K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 year

Since I’m bedridden, I’d like to remind my criminal colleagues in Bucharest that there is a mancave house with 33 unattended automobiles with terrible gas mileage.

40

515

6K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 months

Only 5% of the Devin Nunes story is public knowledge. It's not yet safe to reveal the rest. But when we can finally tell the world what he's done behind the scenes to the people I most love, the gloves are off. I'm inching closer, Devin. And hell is coming with me.

Acyn

@Acyn

2 months

Parnas: Congressman Pete Sessions, then Congressman Devin Nunes, Senator Ron Johnson and many others understood they were pushing a false narrative. The same goes for John Solomon, Sean Hannity and media personnel, particularly at Fox News

417

5K

13K

113

1K

6K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Crack is denying it ever met Mike Lindell

82

295

5K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Having second thoughts about the witness protection program

265

262

5K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Stewart Rhodes' attorneys plead to the jury for mercy, explaining, "After his tragic gun mishap, he can only see things from the extreme right."

483

558

5K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

In the event of my sudden death, please appoint a special master for my browser history.

49

357

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Whenever the boss wants to send someone a message, I have to wrap a filet-o-fish in a newspaper.

69

424

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

22 days

Please please please can we start calling Trump’s posts “toots” from now on? Make toots happen.

Robert Shaw

@bookonbob

22 days

@weisselbergers #tootsocial

11

48

223

145

760

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

For the first time ever, Tiffany is relieved to be forgotten.

40

216

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 year

I fixed it. Choose your fighter.

332

562

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Self-flagellation scene from new 50 Shades of Grey sequel

198

484

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

5 months

@EWErickson I’m fine with courts ruling insurrectionists in either party ineligible.

76

117

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

4 months

OMG they found the audio. Sound up!

142

467

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

James Comer being duped by Russian intel WAS on my bingo card.

Kaitlan Collins

@kaitlancollins

3 months

This whole court filing on Alexander Smirnov, the indicted former FBI "informant," is really worth reading.

382

2K

7K

107

424

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

Turns out our nation’s fentanyl problem was the White House doctor’s office.

38

922

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Ted Cruz caved so hard there are 33 Chilean miners trapped in him

75

319

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

BREAKING: I'm spotted going to Trump Tower, where I work, kicking ass, taking names, and placing those names in the marginalia of columnar allocations of Thai massage Groupons in tertiary ledgers archived with a cipher of 14th-century Rosicrucian sigla and the KFC sides menu.

162

393

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

11 months

Alexander of Magadonia couldn't conquer a ramp.

131

491

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

At least socialism is getting auditions, Kevin.

207

217

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 month

76

350

4K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Zero dinosaurs alive after the windmill was invented. Do the math.

51

189

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

4 months

Heinz ketchup shareholders right now.

42

277

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

I can't believe your shoulders can support the weight of your skull, but here we are.

Matt Gaetz

@mattgaetz

3 years

I can’t believe Republicans just gave the Democrats their socialism bill.

10K

5K

29K

77

199

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

Remember that one time Tucker Carlson wore a bow tie every day of his life until Jon Stewart made fun of him, CNN canned him, and then the bow ties disappeared forever in favor of a white hood? 🧵

61

595

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

No one ever talks about the embezzlement we weren't charged for

69

220

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

@ksorbs Remember that one time 19 children died when a five-year old affirmed his/her/their gender?

106

117

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

8 months

@EricTrump The judge was citing the Palm Beach County Assessor's appraisal range of $18-27.6MM. He didn't "rule" that Mar-a-Lago was worth $18MM.

248

243

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

They’re not *fringe* benefits if they outvalue your salary

31

193

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 month

When you realize your kid is an asshole.

41

282

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

My lawyer keeps asking me if I’m sure I wouldn’t rather defend myself.

64

159

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 year

We had a good run.

81

553

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Unemployed actors are a dime a dozen, but only one of them is James Woods

69

125

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

5 months

@Acyn He's got a point.

37

138

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Today is a very, very bad day to be a porcelain gravy boat in Mar-a-Lago

65

204

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

11 months

Are you having a good day? I am having a good day. I own 300,000 shares of Heinz.

59

264

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

Republicans are finally tired of heterosexuality being shoved down our throats.

39

339

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

How far can he throw a paper towel roll though?

51

176

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

4 months

And now I’d like to introduce my other lawyer, who will apparently be offering my confession.

Acyn

@Acyn

4 months

Giuliani: It was sexual assault, not rape.

2K

1K

7K

110

439

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 months

@RNCResearch It’s only “debunked” if you edit out the part of the video where he said it

47

86

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

9 months

If only someone had warned her.

259

218

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

Breaking: Caligula to name his horse to the consulship.

122

471

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Physicists who say time travel is impossible had better explain how Rittenhouse got a judge from 1859.

40

313

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

10 days

Imagine what her draft folder looks like.

116

282

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 months

You can’t even take care of your electric bill.

Aaron Rupar

@atrupar

2 months

Texas Lt. Gov Dan Patrick on Fox News: "We as a state can take control of our own border." (The Constitution says otherwise.)

249

312

1K

45

362

3K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 year

Just found out George Santos is not my real dad.

155

166

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

@gtconway3d If stealing were so bad, it would be in the Ten Commandments

107

98

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 months

I mean sure if Article II required the president to break into cars, steal credit cards, and brandish history’s skankiest pornstache.

88

342

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

6 months

The only thing that can stop a bad man with porn is a good man with porn.

141

398

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Even my Bible has two books of Numbers

71

181

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

May I ask a favor? Please lay off the prison rape jokes. Rape is rape in jail or on a date. Rape is a crime wherever it happens and injustice to whomever it harms. Rape humor invalidates real victims of real trauma. Thanks. TED talk over. You may now resume your tony dick jokes.

84

130

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Marco Rubio told his whole third grade class who Luke’s father was.

47

156

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

People are comparing me to Al Capone's accountant. I wish. My job would be a piece of cake if the boss drank bathtub gin.

105

146

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

Many people are saying I look like Lana Turner.

139

193

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

I expect a smooth transition to prison, where room and board are free.

72

113

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

23 days

Jury selection is boring until you recall the defendant has to sit captive for a week listening to 60 potential jurors tell him he’s a pusillanimous badger chode whose face-frenulum guffaws approximate human speech.

58

278

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

6 months

@Acyn Call me crazy, but that’s a bargain.

52

81

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Who wore it better?

67

165

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

5 months

@RonFilipkowski I see three boobs.

55

32

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

This is the first time Tiffany was relieved to be excluded from everything

28

98

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Jazzed about these prison education programs, where I can finally take some accounting classes

59

129

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

The cake at my retirement party had a file in it

74

108

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 month

So much room for activities!

118

193

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

26 days

Can't believe Judge Merchan won't let Trump sleep through his own son's graduation.

37

272

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Josh Hawley is hating on the infrastructure bill, because he's never met a bridge he didn't burn.

34

187

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 year

Mar-a-Lago weddings have a strict primae noctis policy.

415

137

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

I’m not saying I flipped. But you’re welcome.

42

84

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

I've made a lot of poor choices while stoned, but I never started a third political party.

44

155

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Please stop helping

77

253

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

8 months

@MuellerSheWrote Your Honor, we’d like to file this new motion to double our fines.

0

97

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

9 months

Melania is terrified he’ll get house arrest.

69

175

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Charlie Kirk insists next year’s halftime act perform exclusively in the missionary position

36

143

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Bezos' 11-minute flight lasted 10 minutes longer than Melania's wedding night

61

153

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 month

Gonzaga basketball players are coming here, taking our jobs, going on welfare, raping, poisoning our bloodline, cutting off heads. And some, I assume, are good people.

85

243

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 months

The prospect of Marco Rubio forced to surrender his Florida residency (and senate seat?) to join Trump on the ticket is the Veracruz ship-burning bookend I’ve awaited since 1519.

36

213

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

@HerschelWalker Well, it was statistically likely you'd eventually love one of them.

24

54

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 months

I just want to remind everyone how astronomically difficult it is to bankrupt a casino. Now do that three times. Then tell everyone you’re rich and successful. Then ask them for money because you are treated worse than Lincoln, whom you are also beating in the polls. Go to jail.

30

369

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Tonight, like every Xmas past at Mar-a-Lago, three more ghosts will give the fuck up

24

140

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

People asking me how I sleep at night. 1200-thread-count sheets.

87

75

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

When your pardon from Ed McMahon arrives in the mail.

244

331

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 months

Friendly reminder that the idiom "tilting at windmills" comes from a book about an insane old man with delusions of grandeur who thinks windmills want to destroy him.

50

345

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 years

Marjorie Taylor Greene explains that she will not get vaccinated because there's no cure for whatever is wrong with her

68

160

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

8 days

Kristi Noem points out that in South Dakota, puppies can be tried as adults.

92

394

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

15 days

Many people are saying Kristi Noem’s career is dead, but it just went to live on a farm.

48

242

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

5 months

It's not really Secret Santa if you know who gave you the handjob.

116

243

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

Boss is deducting Junior as a loss on his taxes

68

104

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

1 year

Russia has declared a national day of mourning for those who gave their last full measure of devotion.

43

286

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

There are more death threats in my inbox than in Roger Stone’s outbox

33

98

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

2 months

@NancyMace @GStephanopoulos Your belittlement of rape survivors was so brave.

8

34

2K

Allen Weisselberger 🥸

@weisselbergers

3 years

The more time that passes without a cease-and-desist letter from Allen Weisselberg’s lawyers demanding I stop being Allen Weisselberg, the more I fear I might be Allen Weisselberg.

79

92

2K