“Polyamory is a phase, you’ll want to settle down eventually.”
If “settle down” means have a committed relationship, that’s possible within polyamory. If it means “be exclusive with someone”, then no, I won’t. My needs and values are not a phase. 🧵 1/5
When I realised that polyamory is a valid option, I realised I could find people who did not require exclusivity in return for their love. The only “rule” was that we needed to be compatible, find the relationship overall enriching, and be good to each other. 2/5
When the price of love was exclusivity, I found myself getting smaller, eventually losing myself in relationships. And when I gave myself permission to question norms and find a way of relating that worked for me, I started taking my happiness more seriously across the board. 3/5
So no. Polyamory is not a phase for me. It’s a whole way of thinking about relationships and how to live. I don’t equate exclusivity with love or commitment and I don’t see that changing. I don’t do well living under rules I neither agree with nor benefit from. No, thank you. 5/5
My sincere hope is for everyone to make whatever decision is right for them - not to make decisions by default, because that’s what everyone else is doing, because that’s how it’s always been, but because they take their happiness seriously and want to do right by themselves. 4/5
“I just don’t get polyamory.”
Your personal resonance with polyamory has no bearing on its general validity, and we don’t have to understand something in order to practise non-judgment.
Polyamorous until you find the one? You're not polyamorous. You're co-opting a label that you think sounds more palatable, but if you're dating around while looking for monogamy that's fine! Just call it what it is, rather than using poly people as stop-gaps and adding to stigma.
A microaggression I often hear: “I love my partner too much to be polyamorous.”
I’m not polyamorous because I’m less attached to my partners or experience less love for them. In fact, encouraging them to embrace their desires is one of the ways I demonstrate the depth of my love.
One of the “facts” that people say to discredit polyamory is that it’s only practised by very young people and it’s unstable, but my comments on social media today are flooded with people sharing that they’ve been poly and partnered for 25+ years. Listen to actual poly people!
Polyamorous people have been talking forever about the difference between boundaries and rules btw. The recent discussion shows how some people will abuse exclusivity - “you are mine so I can tell you what to do” is the subtext I read in the messages going around. Objectifying.
I’m not polyamorous because I want multiple partners. Yes, I believe we can ethically have multiple relationships, but I’m poly because I want to be free to pursue joy and growth through connection, and I believe in humanity’s capacity for simultaneous autonomy and compassion.
Why polyamory awareness matters 🧵
Some people are monoamorous, some are polyamorous, and many would engage in some form of non-exclusivity (romantic or sexual) if that were culturally accepted as the respectable, ethical, safe and fulfilling choice it can be. 1/7
Compulsory monogamy cannot be consensual, and it’s not enough to just let people know that other relationship dynamics exist. Many societies not only normalise monogamy, but glorify it - we are taught that exclusivity is what makes a relationship secure, committed and ethical.
If you’re not interested in exclusive relationships, people may react as if that’s dangerous. We’ve been taught that exclusivity is how we measure a person’s commitment and love, and that monogamy is the only way to find lasting and happy intimate bonds. This isn’t accurate 🧵
“Polyamorous people are just self- absorbed and commitment phobic.”
Oh yeah, I’m so bad at commitment that I want to do it with multiple people, and I’m so self-absorbed that I want to love them and add to their lives.
Makes all the sense.
Solo polyamory helps me honour my values.
I desire commitment, just not in the ways that are traditionally celebrated (marriage, cohabitation, kids, etc). I desire intimate connections where we show our authentic vulnerable selves, delight in and support each other…
I think a lot of monogamy is not truly consensual. If a person doesn’t know that there are other options or faces stigma and discrimination for choosing another relationship dynamic, then they cannot meaningfully consent.
“I tried polyamory once and I was treated poorly, so it doesn’t work.”
Meanwhile here I am having only had positive connections since pursuing polyamory and only unhealthy and/or coercive ones when practising monogamy. We can all come up with anecdotes that serve our view.
People often think I am polyamorous because I want to have sex with lots of people, but really it’s more about not wanting my sexuality to be under someone else’s jurisdiction just because they like me. I want us to show we care by encouraging each other’s agency.
“I don’t get polyamory” is a waste of words, here’s why 🧵
In my experience when people say this, it often isn’t a sign they are open to learning more, but a way to shut down the exchange. They’ve already decided that them not getting it means it doesn’t make sense for anyone.
I choose polyamorous love because to me it means “I love you” and “I want you to own your romantic and sexual potential” and “I encourage you to explore and grow through connection if that’s what you want” and “I trust you to continue valuing our connection”.
Polyamorous until you find the one? You’re not polyamorous. You’re co-opting a label that you think sounds more palatable, but if you’re dating around while looking for monogamy that’s fine! Just call it what it is. You’re playing with people’s hearts.
One of the most inspiring things to me about polyamory and relationship anarchy is the open-ended nature of them: the idea that throughout my life, I’ll be free to pursue joy through connection in many forms. There aren’t types of connection that are strictly off limits.
I think more people would be open to polyamory if it weren't such a misunderstood concept, buried in stigma. If there were positive representation of it and it were seen as a viable, respectable option, might more people find they don't actually prefer the monogamous default?
I have normalised polyamory so much in my mind that I actually have to remind myself that the vast majority currently want monogamy and will aggressively defend it as the only acceptable option. Normativity is powerful, but the beliefs we have instilled in us can be changed.
“If you’re polyamorous around my partner, they might decide they want polyamory too.”
So is what you’re saying that you want to shield your partner from information because you don’t believe that, given free choice, they’d choose the relationship dynamic they’re in?
One of the things I appreciate most about being polyamorous and a relationship anarchist is that I'll be free to pursue joy and growth through connection throughout my life. There won't ever come a time where some types of connection are strictly off limits.
Polyamory and the ability to choose 🧵
For many people, polyamory is as much about experiencing things as it is about being *free* to experience things.
New tweet: This is by far my most popular tweet ever, I’m very glad it’s speaking to monogamous and polyamorous people alike. I post often about this sort of thing, so follow if you liked this 🫶 I’m on Instagram
@unapolygetically
"Different partners for different needs.”
This is fine as long as you're not foregoing essential needs in any of your relationships. Polyamory works best, in my experience, when you have several fulfilling relationships, not several half-fulfilling ones.
IF. YOU. HAVE. RELATIONSHIPS. FOR. REASONS. OTHER. THAN. SEX. THEN. SO. CAN. POLYAMOROUS. PEOPLE.
I am so tired of people saying “you’re obsessed with sex”. Pot kettle my dudes.
Polyamorous love is beautiful to me because it’s “I love you” AND “I want you to explore what excites you” AND “I’m happy when you’re happy (even if that happiness hasn’t come from me)” AND “I trust you” AND “I feel secure with you without needing to limit you”.
Polyamory is at least partly about sex for some people and that’s more than fine. But for many of us it truly isn’t. Some of us just want the freedom and possibility polyamory offers and might be satisfied in a relationship that looks monogamous (as long as it actually isn’t).
Relationship Anarchy is an approach to relationships that allows us to fully customise connections according to what works for everyone involved, without the pressure to conform to normative expectations around how relationships should look or be prioritised. 1/3
A lot of people are drawn to polyamory because it emphasises autonomy, but I think some people misunderstand that. Autonomy means having freedom to choose what you do; it doesn't mean that everyone has to love what you do.
Sometimes monogamous people will say “you should want someone who’s focused entirely on you”. Well, what if I don’t? What if I see a benefit in them being free to explore new connections? What if that enriches them and therefore the connection I have with them?
I identify more and more strongly with relationship anarchy over polyamory because of the way it challenges not only monogamous norms but relationship norms in general. I am still both, but maybe relationship anarchy is my primary identifier. Anyone feel this too?
Toxic monogamy ≠ monogamy is toxic
Toxic monogamy = the behaviours, beliefs and expectations that society tells us are normal/necessary for relationships to thrive (exclusivity being a big one), but which actually cause problems for everyone involved
“I couldn’t be non-monogamous because I love my partner too much.”
So, you love your partner so much that you want them to have *less* pleasure and meaningful emotional connections? Be monogamous if it’s right for you, truly, but don’t cry “love!” when you mean “consumption”.
Polyamory can only break up your relationship if one or both of you is not actually on board with the dynamic. If you are on board, however, then these things may threaten your relationship - luckily, they’re all possible to work on:
I suspect more people would be open to polyamory if it weren’t so misunderstood and buried in stigma. If there were more positive representation of it and it were seen as a viable, respectable option, more people might find they don’t actually prefer the monogamous default.
Polyamorous relationships are hard. I’m thinking about going back to monogamy as nobody ever experiences jealousy, insecurity or heartbreak when they’re monogamous.
“You’re poly? So you’re just using people to satisfy your needs?”
Do you ask because that is what *you* do in your intimate relationships? I believe we are most likely to get our needs met when we are also willing to take care of others. 1/2
Toxic monogamy taught me that love is measured by our level of enmeshment, and boundaries around privacy are a sign of being untrustworthy. Now I know that relationships contribute most to people’s wellbeing when they allow them to both be connected and exercise autonomy.
“Don’t you want to give all your love to one person?”
We don’t tell people to stop having children because they might run out of love to give. So we seem to agree that our love can expand to include new people, until we want to smooch them - then it’s finite?
The term ‘non-monogamy’ implies that monogamy is the standard; if we called football players non-basketball players, it would centre basketball as the norm and football as the deviation from that. Yet monogamy is not the standard worldwide nor is it undeniably more natural.
Here’s why I take issue with “euh, polyamory? I don’t share.”
You have every right to be monogamous if it’s what’s right for you, but it’s unkind to openly hold my relationship style in contempt. Entitled language aside, you can expect to be challenged on your intolerance.
@jonnyhawke
Appreciate the respectful engagement with this and your question - for some, sex is part of it. For me the main driver is wanting to retain autonomy over my decisions + seeing a benefit in being open to a variety of intimate connections throughout life, romantic/sexual or not.
I don’t fall in love easily. Many people think polyamorists fall in love constantly simply because we can. Love comes quicker to some of us than others, but being open to love does not mean we are always in the right space for it, physically, mentally, spiritually.
People fear allowing their partner to be autonomous because they might no longer get what they want. But it can be a person’s autonomous choice to be considerate, fair and generous, and I think that is enough. If you don’t like how someone behaves, maybe you’re incompatible.
It’s a disgrace how many people have told me they were stigmatised *by their therapist* for being non-monogamous. Many of these therapists studied modalities that emphasise the absolute necessity of having unconditional positive regard for clients.
“WHAT ABOUT JEALOUSY?!”
Often one of people’s first questions when they find out I’m polyamorous is “how do you handle jealousy?” The short answer is that we don’t avoid it, as exclusivity can enable people to do. 🧵 1/7
"Where is this relationship going?"
We don’t really ask our friends this.
And yet friendships do naturally deepen over time as safety is established and experiences are shared. Part of the appeal of solo polyamory for me is allowing all my connections to flow naturally this way.
Everyone when a polyamorous relationship ends: “Well, what did you expect, polyamory doesn’t work!”
Nobody when a monogamous relationship ends: “Well, what did you expect, monogamy doesn’t work!”
Controversial opinion, perhaps, and a bit of a hot take so bear with me: You don’t have to tell your partner everything. The idea that you do is normalised in a culture where “becoming one” is the goal, and feeling in control is prized more than trust and respect for autonomy.
Polyamory is not just casually dating until we find “The One”. The same way some people can’t imagine forming deep connections with anyone else when they love smn, I can’t imagine being closed off to it. I can’t imagine limiting how the people I love and I interact with others.
If you think polyamory doesn’t work because having more than one relationship is “too much drama”, perhaps question why your relationships are so hard rather than assuming they always must be.
Learning about solo polyamory helped me slow down and let go of the need for escalation; learning about relationship anarchy helped me remove expectations and appreciate different types of relationship.
It’s not selfish to refuse to compromise your needs.
It’s not selfish to refuse to compromise your needs.
It’s not selfish to refuse to compromise your needs.
It’s not selfish to refuse to compromise your needs.
It’s not selfish to refuse to compromise your needs.
It’s just not.
I’m also writing a book about how to have autonomous relationships that help us grow, rather than doing monogamy-by-default and falling into problematic patterns that are enabled by a culture that normalises and glorifies exclusivity. Contact
@serendipitylit
for the proposal.
✊ We need to normalise non-monogamy 🧵 Here’s what it’s like growing up without diverse and nuanced representation of our relational options.
Society: These are your choices, you can be monogamous or be alone.
Non-monogamy: What about me?
Society: No, that’s for perverts. 1/8
For a society that publicly broadcasts songs that are explicitly about banging on the regular, we sure are weird about consenting adults actually embracing their sexuality in practice.
Baffled by the self-importance that drives people to say “I’ve never seen a polyamorous relationship work so they never do”. Do these people realise how many people exist? Can they comprehend that their preference is not universal? Do they understand how culture shapes us?
Since moving into polyamory activism, I’ve noticed many logical fallacies in polyphobic rhetoric. Whether people are deliberately using these in bad faith or genuinely think they’re making sound points, here are some examples for you to watch out for 🧵
Them: Non-monogamy is morally abhorrent.
Me: I don’t subscribe to your religious views.
Them: Well, ok, but it is unnatural.
Me: Then why does your religion have to work so hard to stop people doing it by telling them it’s morally abhorrent?
Polyamorous Commitment 🧵
When people say that polyamorous people are commitment-phobic, particularly solo polyamorous people, we're talking at cross purposes. I used to scoff "well, that's not true," but I see now we're talking about different things.
The polyamory subreddit is one of the most depressing places I've ever seen.
There are just so many posts about people experiencing extreme resentment, shame, and jealousy.
Polyamory required me to reconsider what I ask of my partners and helped me get to a place where I wholeheartedly celebrate their autonomy.
When I embrace their right to connect with others, I also become aware of the other ways in which I was used to having influence.
If non-monogamy (NM) is going to have a chance of being destigmatised one day, we need to be able to tell the difference between anti-social behaviour and behaviour that simply offends those with power. I’m coming for you religious fundamentalism, and not in the fun way. 🧵 1/5
🧵 You Can Be Non-Monogamous and Secure 🧵
If you believe that sexual exclusivity is the key to a respectful, fulfilling, intimate relationship, I'm sorry but somebody lied to you.
There’s a difference between monogamy (a preference for having only one partner; a conscious choice) and toxic monogamy (the relationship norms that promote possessiveness, co-dependency, unquestioning rule-following, sleepwalking through life and sidelining your needs).
I’d argue one of the main reasons polyamory is hard sometimes is because we’ve grown up in a mono-normative, capitalist society that doesn’t equip us with the tools to navigate relationships peacefully - not because humans are fundamentally incapable of enjoying polyamory.
As a relationship anarchist, I'm never looking to create a specific relationship that I have predetermined in my mind, but rather to find out what relationships occur naturally when autonomous individuals come together and see what they can healthfully share.
I have been abused in multiple monogamous relationships so I think there should be stigma around monogamy and, you know what, let’s just make it illegal.
That’s how people sound when they talk about their bad experiences in polyamory, and privilege means they get away with it.
Maybe people think polyamorists are obsessed with forming new intimate relationships because society preaches that the key to happiness is finding a romantic/sexual partner. Being free to form new connections is my reason for being polyamorous, not a constant desire for new ones.
Them: Poly people have issues. Get therapy.
Me: It was actually through several years of therapy that I learned who I really am. Only then was I able to see how monogamy didn't align with my values - polyamory has brought me a lot of peace and fulfilling connection to others.
If you’re afraid to bring something up because it could mean the end of your relationship, question why you’re holding on so tight to something that makes you feel this unsafe.
Don't believe the myth that commitment needs to be shown with marriage, cohabitation, or sexual and romantic exclusivity. Commitment can be shown by what you *do* rather than what you are willing *not to do*.
"Where is this relationship going?"
We don't really ask our friends this.
And yet friendships do naturally deepen over time as safety is established and experiences are shared. Part of the appeal of solo polyamory for me is allowing all my connections to flow naturally this way.
Time to debunk some common myths:
🙅♀️“Polyamorous people can’t commit”
🙅♂️“They’re always on the lookout for the next hot thing”
🙅“Polyamory makes people into inattentive partners”
There is no one technique that makes us “good at” sex because not all people are the same. Learning to speak about sex (before, during, after) is essential, rather than making assumptions. The sooner we realise this, the sooner we stop having shit sex.
Relationship anarchy has been life changing for me. It taught me that love could look any way I needed it to. Once I knew I had choices, "right" and "wrong" became meaningless - all I had to do was listen to myself, be honest, and lead with respect and compassion.
“If you loved your partner you wouldn’t need anyone else.”
Forming new relationships expands us. Nourishing long term connections deepens us. If we accept that both help us access our full potential for growth, why must only one connection in our lives involve romance and sex?
🧵 Some people say polyamory doesn't work because relationships are "too much drama". Perhaps they could question why their relationships are so hard rather than assuming they always must be. 1/8
To me, love means wanting to support someone to be the fullest expression of themself. It doesn’t mean wanting sole access to their resources (time, energy, humour, finances, sexuality, talents, etc) nor is it accepting their entitlement to all of yours (i.e. self-sacrifice).