Russell Shaw @therussellshaw Twitter profile

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

Ladies: before you quit your high paying ad exec job in the city and move in with the handsome charming flannel-wearing Christmas-loving man who runs an adorable small business in your hometown, remember to ask where he was on January 6

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

7 months

Busy, cold night at Stonehenge as we move the stones backwards an hour...

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

I admire this level of creativity

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

I used to drink tons of Diet Coke but it’s been one month since I’ve had a drop. I want to share some of the changes I’ve observed in myself over that time: - My health is unchanged - I’m less happy - My one source of joy is gone Thanks for encouraging me on this journey!

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

If a monkey hoarded more bananas than it could eat, while most of the other monkeys starved, scientists would study that monkey to figure out what the heck was wrong with it. When humans do it, we put them on the cover of Forbes.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

7 months

I want to skip to the end of the Trump movie where it fades out and captions tell us how long they each got in prison.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

in 1974 I ran for Governor on the platform of free food, free gas and making Arizona a seaport by blasting California off into the ocean. I lost. Sure it hurt back then and it still hurts but I never accused any one of stealing the election from me. This alone makes me a much

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

8 months

Fun fact: a blue whale’s anus can stretch to approximately 3 and a half feet, making it the second largest asshole on the planet, just behind Matt Gaetz.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

His kiss was slow, but firm and unyielding like an old man backing his Lincoln Town Car over a handicapped parking sign.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

Removed my card from the chip reader before I was supposed to and they had to close that store.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

10 months

any person who sincerely claims they follow both Jesus and Trump probably knows very little about either

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

like some kind of billionaire playboy I’m at the Sizzler in Blythe, CA. I’m having the senior salad bar, like money means nothing to me

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

I was in Walmart today and this elderly lady was in front of me, her total came out to $362.57 but her card was declined... so with it being the Holidays and all, you all already know what I did. God is going to bless me one day. It was a lot of groceries but I helped her put it

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 years

When someone says, "If evolution is real, why are there still monkeys?" Tell them, "Education is real and there are still morons."

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 years

Background info on Tom Horne. He’s exactly what Arizona does not need.

Attorneys hired to investigate alleged impropriety by Horne have donated to his campaign

The top aide to Attorney General Tom Horne has selected two attorneys who have donated to Horne to investigate whether Horne and others in the office have been conducting his

www.eastvalleytribune.com

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

possibly photoshopped

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

I know exactly how Kari Lake feels about getting screwed out of a deal. I lost a listing to RE/MAX a few months ago. I did the only sensible thing —I organized a candlelight vigil in front of their house every night for two months. after it closed escrow, I naturally filed a

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

BREAKING: Donald Trump says polls show that he has won the Kentucky Derby.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

Kari should sue him right now. If she waits until after she loses it’s going to look like sour grapes again

Gallego leads Lake in Arizona Senate race: Poll

Rep. Ruben Gallego (D-Ariz.) holds a 4-point lead over Republican candidate Kari Lake in the Arizona Senate race, according to a poll released Wednesday. An Emerson College Polling/The Hill su…

thehill.com

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

3 months

it’s not right for someone to make a meme suggesting he’s bought and paid for

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

I made it through the day without needing an AR-15 again.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

I think this is some kind of joke

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

Most of being an adult is whispering “fuck this” while doing it anyway

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

3 months

Bond

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

𝗙𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗲𝗳𝗳𝗿𝗲𝘆 𝗦𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗮𝗻 𝗼𝗻 𝗙𝗮𝗰𝗲𝗯𝗼𝗼𝗸: During high school, I was a pizza delivery guy in Beverly Hills. One night, late, I drove up into the canyon and rang a bell. Norman Lear answered the door. I recognized him and told him what a fan I was. I mentioned

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

5 months

Another great actor who wasted his life on drugs and alcohol

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy I bought it from knows I'm a Realtor and he asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said "No. I'm putting it in the living room."

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

Fox News makes bad people feel like they’re good people.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

10 months

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb? You dont. He will lie that he changed it and all the Republicans will sit in the dark and agree

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

3 months

I’m always reluctant to post something political because it could be bad for business

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

4 months

I have to admit I’ve always been afraid whenever I’ve been around Kari that she was wearing a wire. I felt that she might try to get me to talk about the drug smuggling she and I did together when she was still on TV

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

3 years

If someone is looking for something they have lost, REPEATEDLY ask them "Where is it?" and "Where did you put it?" and "Why isn't it there now?" as they ACTIVELY search. This will improve their mood and help them find it.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

The rare event witness by humanity as 5 planets align. Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

8 months

Don't be impressed by money, followers, degrees, and titles. Be impressed by kindness, integrity, humility, and generosity.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

10 years

Probably why most people don't decorate their palm trees at Christmas time http://t.co/VYhm48ZW3n

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

9 months

Love him or hate him you’ve got to admit Trump would look great being carried off by a pterodactyl, never to be seen again

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 month

NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO IS UNKIND TO WAIT STAFF

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

Sorry for all the politics lately. I'm using social media as therapy since my neighbors asked me to please stop opening my front door and screaming "fuck”

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

If Donald Trump gets arrested and taken to jail on Christmas Day I will accept Christ.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

7 months

I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No iPhone. No tablet. No laptop. He just sat there. Drinking coffee. Like a Psychopath.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

I'm sick of these libs telling me I can't say "Happy Honda Days" because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I'm supposed to wish everyone a "Happy Winter Car Sale"?

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

7 months

after haircut photo taken with my iPhone Pro at Longhorn Steakhouse just now. Not retouched in any way —I really am this handsome

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

Did the person who invented the phrase “one-hit wonder” invent any other popular phrases?

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic. The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?" "I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

"Hi, this is Russell Shaw in room 124... Can I have a wake-up call?" "Sure... Your real estate career is a joke, your Facebook posts are stupid and you're a LONG way off your ideal weight"

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

The Airbnb has a big sign asking us to please be respectful of the neighbors. Heard. I won’t do anything disrespectful like operating an unregulated hotel out of the property next door or some shit like that

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

If I were a billionaire stuck at the bottom of the ocean I would simply pull myself up by my bootstraps

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

nobody knows what Kari Lake is going through like I do. I ran for Governor of Arizona in 1974. Yes I won in an unprecedented landslide. But the corruption (from the Democrats) claimed Raúl Castro the winner and for me and Arizona to suffer

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

Because of my deep affection for all the fine people over at the coroner's office — I swallow at least one note per meal that says "we're all really proud of you”, in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

A lone voice in the Cave Creek desert

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

Woman in Chompie’s: "are you Russell Shaw on Facebook?" Me: "worse than that, I'm Russell Shaw EVERYWHERE"

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

Your religious and political beliefs don’t make you a good person. How you treat those different from you is what makes you a good person.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

Don't be impressed by money, followers, degrees, and titles. Be impressed by kindness, integrity, humility, and generosity.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

My father, Russell Shaw, Sr. In the early days of real estate sales.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

5 months

At first I thought Kurt Russell had a tiny personal hairdresser in this photo

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

9 months

please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t even listen to him

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO IS UNKIND TO WAIT STAFF

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

I just blocked myself. I'm not putting up with this shit either.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

"All Lives Matter" is not a movement. It's a taunt. And if America really believed all lives mattered, we wouldn't need a Black Lives Matter movement.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 years

I’m surprised more Republicans don’t die of embarrassment.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

9 months

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

Kari Lake Loyalists looking for the votes that were stolen during the election she actually won

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

8 months

According to a recent poll, Donald Trump remains popular among morons, idiots, nincompoops, imbeciles, birdbrains, dunderheads, numskulls, nitwits, dullards, simpletons, buffoons, boobs, twits, clods, dolts, oafs, dopes, schmucks, schnooks, stupid people, and some Republicans.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

can't stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

Being poor is expensive; constantly managing scarce resources requires such mental effort (intellectual and emotional) that there’s little brainpower left for anything else. Thus, poverty makes it hard to escape poverty.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue. The profanity wasn't necessary but thank you for not siccing him on me.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

9 months

does anyone want a free 3 bedroom cabin in Pinetop? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free 3 bedroom cabin in Pintop.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

Satire is meant to ridicule power. If you are laughing at people who are hurting, it's not satire, it's bullying.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

I’m headlining at Durant’s men’s room this entire week. Come see me.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

I think this article was in the Arizona Republic fifty years ago. No wonder I look so young

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

7 months

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they're like "not this shit again"

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

3 years

This is SO well written and incredibly funny. It made me laugh out loud

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

this is very common with older men and women. They forget they have some toilet paper still pushed in and get up to wash their hands. Several Secret Service agents confided in me that this happened several times a week with former President Trump

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

10 months

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

Donald Trump just can't stop fucking that chicken

confessed classified document thief confesses to classified document thievery

www.jefftiedrich.com

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

If you can't think of a word say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

There are roughly 40 million kangaroos worldwide and there are over 4 1/2 million people here in the Phoenix area. So if there was an instance that kangaroos invaded the Phoenix area Each if us would have to fight off a minimum of 8 kangaroos and I don’t know if we could do it

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

11 months

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

9 months

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 months

If you attend the meeting at a real estate company where Kari Lake comes to speak will you please take a super pumper squirt gun filled with cat piss and spray her instead of wasting time asking her questions so she can lie

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

5 months

One time when I was like 11 my dad took me to an Italian restaurant and the waiter asked what my name was and I said “Russ but you can call me captain ravioli” and my dad just looked at me and said “what the fuck was that? don’t do that” and I’ve been chasing that high ever

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

2 years

This "Sexiest Man Alive" thing isn't settled yet, folks. I'm waiting to see the Maricopa County returns before I even think of conceding.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

6 months

The good thing about Jason Aldean and Kid Rock touring together is that copper and catalytic converter thefts will be down 95% in those towns during the shows

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year

Education isn’t memorizing that Hitler killed 6 million Jews. Education is understanding how millions of ordinary Germans were convinced that it was required. Real education is learning how to spot the signs of history repeating itself. We must never forget what hate does to us.

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Russell Shaw

@therussellshaw

1 year