not your lawyer @schizesq Twitter profile

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not your lawyer

@schizesq

2 months

Bullshit. This man has seen it all. This man will file the most scathing motion you’ve ever read & follow up with a “sent from my iPhone” email. This man sees the judges daily & won’t be fooled by your BigLaw ~fear me~ attitude. I’d trust this man with my life.

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@schizesq

3 years

Y’ALL THEY’RE ACTUALLY GONNA LET ME BE A LAWYER I PASSED THE FREAKING BAR EXAM

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@schizesq

8 months

I’m a whole ass attorney and I was today years old when I learned that the show “Suits” did not actually get its name from the characters wearing suits all the time

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@schizesq

3 years

ADHD is not having the energy to wash a single dish throughout the whole week and then waking up at 8am on a Saturday and deep cleaning your home for 4 hours straight

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@schizesq

3 years

Do... do non-lawyers know that lawyers do not practice every type of law? I'm stunned today. Would you hire an eye doctor to give you foot surgery???

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@schizesq

3 years

Being a lawyer is just answering emails and trying not to cry in front of judges every day until you die

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@schizesq

2 months

I gotta mute this y’all, but loving the jokes. While you’re here, don’t forget to advocate for better mental health resources for attorneys/law students everywhere & thank a paralegal today.

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@schizesq

2 years

The thing about being a lawyer is that it gets monumentally easier once you realize literally everyone is just winging it

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@schizesq

2 years

In court this morning, a pro se plaintiff testified that he paid his Georgetown law student nephew a $200 gift card for legal advice to help file his small claims action. Law students: please do not accept any form of compensation for “legal advice.” I’m begging you.

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@schizesq

3 years

Being a lawyer is always being 98% confident you know the answer until all of a sudden you’re 98% confident you’re completely wrong until all of a sudden you’re 98% confident you were right the first time over and over and over and over

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@schizesq

3 years

Dear 1L Law Students, I have horrible news. Most practicing attorneys have no idea how to Bluebook properly. You will be hurt and will feel lied to. I’m sorry I couldn’t warn you sooner. Sincerely, A New Associate

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@schizesq

8 months

@MarlowNYC I was at her DC sour show and literally half way through she stopped the show to talk about roe v wade lol (this was pre-Dodd decision)

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@schizesq

4 years

Almost my whole class is drinking beer or wine during this Zoom session. At our 5 minute break our professor said he was going to get a drink because he felt left out. This is 3L of Zoom School of Law.

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@schizesq

3 years

I just saw a TikTok of “woke” teens talking about how mass incarceration is a problem because poor people can only afford a “paralegal” and not a real attorney and I just had to close my eyes and put my phone down and take deep breaths for a while

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@schizesq

3 years

Even if you’re fully vaccinated, the CDC still recommends refraining from playing devil’s advocate against women in your law school classes

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@schizesq

4 years

This is America in a Snapchat

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@schizesq

1 month

How am I supposed to work today when both Kate Middleton & Hannah Riley’s dog are MISSING

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@schizesq

3 years

Unpopular opinion: young people early in their careers should discover an estranged grandmother who happens to be queen of a foreign country in need of an heir to the throne

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@schizesq

3 years

There is literally not a single good reason why anyone needs to talk about their LSAT score after getting accepted to law school. Not one reason.

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@schizesq

4 months

Nothing says “I’m a lawyer” like inviting your two best friends over for drinks and then telling them SURPRISE, you’re actually going to be the witnesses on my Will!!!

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@schizesq

3 years

I can assure you we are absolutely not.

CNBC

@CNBC

7 years

Millennial women are 'worried,' 'ashamed' of out-earning boyfriends and husbands

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@schizesq

8 months

💞🎀 “memorandum in support of defendant’s motion to strike exhibits a-c of plaintiff’s reply to defendant’s opposition to plaintiff’s motion for summary judgment, and request for sanctions” ✨🌸💅🏼

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@schizesq

9 months

Just calculated my student loan repayment plan options. With the low payment of at least $800 per month, I’ll be able to finish paying my loans by the time my (now 10 month old) daughter graduates college, having accrued double the principal in interest. What. A. Joke.

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@schizesq

2 years

A collateral consequence of going to law school that makes me sad is that I feel robbed of the ability to read for fun. The last thing I want to do when I get home is look at more words. I wish I could participate in book culture but I simply can’t bring myself to do it.

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@schizesq

2 years

We don’t talk enough about the theater kid to trial attorney pipeline

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@schizesq

3 years

The WORST kinds of people are 1) the ones who talk about their LSAT score any time after getting into law school & 2) the ones who talk about their bar exam score at all at any time

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@schizesq

1 year

Do most baby parents really have a whole bedtime routine with a bath, book, lotion, etc every single night, or am I being bamboozled by TikTok moms? Pls tell me it’s ok that I don’t do all of these things every night lol

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@schizesq

3 years

Trying to pick a photo to use for my Zoom swearing-in on Friday, very torn between these two

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@schizesq

3 years

LAWYER!

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@schizesq

2 years

Hi! If you’re a middle-aged man who is opposing counsel to a new young female attorney, maybe don’t call her “sweetheart” condescendingly on the phone!

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@schizesq

5 months

pour one out for the junior associates, aka the only ones in the office on this fine Wednesday before thanksgiving

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@schizesq

8 months

@kimberlygold Lawsuits 💀

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@schizesq

3 years

*opens document* “Defendant’s Motion to Strike Plaintiff’s Reply to Defendant’s Opposition to Plaintiff’s Response to Defendant’s Motion to Dismiss Plaintiff’s Second Amended Complaint and Answer to Third Party Defendant’s Counter-Claim” *closes document*

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@schizesq

3 years

In this house we answer “no” when a cop asks us if we know why we were pulled over!!!

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@schizesq

3 years

I’m sad seeing tweets from people who feel like they don’t belong in #lawtwitter so let me be clear: you belong here only if you have unwavering opinions about spacing after periods & the type of pen you exclusively use. That’s it. That’s the gateway. Anything else is irrelevant.

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@schizesq

3 years

The biggest lie they told us in law school was that plagiarizing someone else’s brief was wrong.

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@schizesq

4 years

Friendly reminder that if you are being questioned by cops, you have to invoke your right to stay silent OUT LOUD! It is not enough to stay silent! You have to tell the cops you intend to stay silent & want your lawyer!

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@schizesq

3 years

Millennial culture is having Not Great service at a restaurant and still tipping 20% because we’re all just trying to survive out here

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@schizesq

3 years

Weeks of LSAT prep & missing events to study, months crafting perfect essays for law school apps, 3 years of cold calls & final exams, 6 months of bar prep in a pandemic... all of this came together today, and it’s crazy that it’s over. Officially: Rebecca Schisler, Esq. Wow.

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@schizesq

2 years

can check “crying in my boss’s office” off my lawyer bucket list 😌

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@schizesq

2 months

Civil litigation is billing .4 for drafting an email but feeling like you should be entitled to bill 1.4 for the anxiety post-sending email/sitting in paralysis re-reading said email a dozen times

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@schizesq

5 years

I GOT A CLERKSHIP, PEOPLE!!!!

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@schizesq

4 years

I HATE IT HERE!!!!

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@schizesq

3 years

AOC really did the America #MetGala theme right

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@schizesq

2 years

Just watched a plaintiff’s attorney introduce himself on the record as “Counsel [X], on behalf of the good guys” L O L

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@schizesq

9 months

The general public is so wildly out of touch re how students loans truly affect us & how predatory the whole system is

Karl Svenson

@KarlSvenson007

9 months

@schizesq Were you not shown a repayment schedule or amortization schedule when you agreed to take the money?

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@schizesq

3 years

Bar exam results in one week. As I’ve said before, I’m certain I failed because, you know, the whole ~study during a pandemic & get married 9 days before thing~ but just in case there’s a chance, I’d really appreciate all of the good vibes, prayers & positive energy y’all have!

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@schizesq

2 years

My boss just told me that my legal writing skills are far beyond what’s expected from attorneys at my level and BRB going to ride this high for weeks

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@schizesq

2 years

Incredibly shocked and disappointed to report that the task I have been putting off for two (2) weeks took me thirty (30) minutes to complete

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@schizesq

2 years

Being a lawyer is just losing your mind every damn day

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@schizesq

1 year

We decided to hire a biweekly house cleaning service, and they come for the first time tomorrow. Which is to say we’ve spent the entire weekend PRE-cleaning and I had to admit my mother was right about everything.

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@schizesq

2 months

I conducted my first depositions a few weeks ago (they went great!). My (male) supervisor was there, but didn’t speak on the record. I am the lead counsel on all filings. Just got the transcripts, and the reporter put down my supervisor’s name & didn’t include mine at all. 🙃🙃

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@schizesq

3 years

Kamala Harris Taylor Swift 🤝 we did it, joe

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@schizesq

5 years

I got the job!!! Fall intern for a Maryland Office of the Public Defender!!! I AM CRYING!!! Thank you so much #lawtwitter for your incredible interview advice a few weeks ago 😂

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@schizesq

3 years

I made an off-handed comment to our office manager that I prefer white over yellow legal pads & everyone here only uses yellow. Came in today to a whole stack of white ones just for me. Is this what it’s like to feel valued at your job???

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@schizesq

3 years

I went to law school to help people, to fight for people who need an advocate. I didn’t go for money. I didn’t go for power. So when you call me entitled for saying I would prefer to not have crippling debt because of that choice, it really sucks.

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@schizesq

3 years

I have news! After a wild few months of job searching, I’ve officially accepted a post-clerkship position with a Maryland law firm! I’ll be doing a little bit of everything at first, but will be focusing on expanding their criminal defense practice!💃🏻🎉

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@schizesq

3 years

The bar exam is 50% recall and 50% completely making up the law using words/phrases you think you’ve heard before. Manifest the confidence of a mediocre white man mansplaining something you have a degree in, they do this all the time.

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@schizesq

4 years

What Kentucky has done is inexcusable and despicable. The bar exam in KY has just been canceled 18 days before it was to be administered. There will now be a remote exam... in October.

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@schizesq

2 years

Baby Evelyn made her fashionably late grand entrance on 9/20/22 at 7:20pm!!! Everyone is healthy and happy!!!

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@schizesq

2 years

Not me writing a motion in 3 hours that would have taken me 3 weeks to write in law school. It really does get better, y’all.

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@schizesq

3 years

I honestly cannot fathom how any person with ADHD could function at a firm with billable hours. Ya girl could never. How do y’all do it???

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@schizesq

3 years

Y’all do realize that an open bar can very easily cost the same amount as a whole down payment on a house, right? Demanding liquor at a wedding when we’re all out here just trying to survive is really something

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@schizesq

2 years

Just had my first bench trial win!

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@schizesq

3 years

I want to see law school rankings based solely on the local coffee selection, whether professors allow laptops in class, and pizza served each week per capita. Nothing else matters.

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@schizesq

3 years

Lawyers use swear words. Lawyers experience mental illness. Lawyers experience sexism, racism, classism, and ableism. Lawyers get things wrong. Lawyers need each other to survive. I don’t know how this profession became so damn toxic that we can’t even admit that we are human.

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@schizesq

3 years

Law students remember you can MAKE UP THE LAW on your final exams. I am an attorney and I know ZERO LAWS.

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@schizesq

3 years

As it gets closer to finals season, remember that “outlining” is a dumb way of saying “study guide” & you shouldn’t try to force yourself to study in a way that you’ve never been successful with just because classmates make you feel like you should.

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@schizesq

2 years

Every single day shortly after lunch I become uncontrollably enraged that the US doesn’t accept the concept of siestas

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@schizesq

1 year

It’s official… I gave my notice today & will be starting at a firm in downtown Annapolis in February! I’m completely changing practice areas—staying with litigation but leaving insurance defense behind!! Very excited to see what this next phase of my career holds!!!

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@schizesq

6 months

In law school, all of us were so mad at our Torts professor for spending like half of the semester learning one tort when there are so many torts that exist. In practice, now that Negligence is drilled into my head such that I could do a bench trial in my sleep, I’m thankful 😂

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@schizesq

3 years

Is this how you make friends in a new office?

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@schizesq

2 years

told my in-laws how much our daycare is going to cost and their jaws dropped lmao, anyone over the age of 40 just doesn’t understand the world right now, as hard as they may try

julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

“Why don’t you want to have kids?” *motions hysterically in every direction*

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@schizesq

2 years

Friendly reminder that talking about your dislike of Taylor Swift doesn’t make you unique, cool, quirky, or better than anyone else… let women like things. 🙃

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@schizesq

3 years

HEY, some of y’all need to hear this: “being an asshole” is not a qualification for being a lawyer.

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@schizesq

3 years

Many people can’t comment on politics or advocate for certain causes because of restrictions at their jobs. Please never assume that silence on the internet = complacency!!! Unrelatedly, the last day of my clerkship is tomorrow. Plan accordingly.

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@schizesq

3 years

My mom is on the way to the ER with COVID. Please send prayers. She’s having trouble breathing and is in a lot of pain. She’s had it for about a week, things seemed to get better, and then all of a sudden things got much worse.

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@schizesq

3 years

CW CW I’m hearing reports from bar exam takers that questions had fact patterns involving brutal rape & police brutality. Has the NCBE no empathy at all? Questions on these topics are wholly unnecessary.

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@schizesq

2 years

@kadystachiw @emiliasd that’s the joke lollll

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@schizesq

3 years

Your dog lives his/her entire life within the four walls of your home. If you don’t let them on your furniture you shouldn’t have one. I said what I said. 🤷🏻‍♀️

NeuroCandies

@NeuroCandies

3 years

Are your pets allowed on the furniture?

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@schizesq

2 years

You know what would tangibly help my mental health? Cancel student loans

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@schizesq

3 years

I am a: ⚪️ man ⚪️ woman 🔘 young & eager lawyer Searching for: ⚪️ a man ⚪️ a woman 🔘 one (1) law job that wants to hire me

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@schizesq

3 years

So when am I going to feel like being a lawyer isn’t just a giant game of dress-up and theater improv?

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@schizesq

3 years

Are you really a lawyer if you haven’t spilled coffee on a pile of documents you ~definitely~ shouldn’t spill coffee on?

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@schizesq

3 years

I would tell you but I’ll be interrupted by an upper class white man just playing devil’s advocate

Barred and Bearded

@RileeDHarrison

3 years

Tell me you went to law school without actually telling me you went to law school.

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@schizesq

3 years

Will not be taking questions at this time.

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@schizesq

3 years

I can’t believe I spent 3 years of my life going into six figures of debt just to become a whole ass lawyer during an economic crisis where jobs seem nonexistent 🙃

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@schizesq

4 years

Tonight a man asked me “do you think you’d be okay with one day defending a murderer?” And of course I said “thank you, sir, of course I have never ever considered this and as a public defender I plan to only defend innocent people.”

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@schizesq

3 years

YES I am an overachiever, NO I don’t know how to complete a task without waiting until the very last minute, WE EXIST

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@schizesq

3 years

I saw a TikTok asking “would you punch your girlfriend in the face for one billion dollars” and let me tell you, if my husband DOESN’T punch me in the face when there’s one billions dollars on the line..... ????? WYD WE R BROKE

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@schizesq

2 years

How do you say “the fact that you’re even making this argument is offensive and laughable” politely in lawyer/legalese?

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@schizesq

3 years

Perpetuating the idea that prosecutors represent victims in any way whatsoever is so incredibly dangerous to everyone involved in the justice system.

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@schizesq

3 years

As a new associate I have two constant, lingering thoughts: 1) I have no idea what I’m doing, 2) I absolutely know what I’m doing and oh my god I have so much to do

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@schizesq

3 years

I am a millennial, I have a printer in my home, we exist ✨

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@schizesq

3 years

Highly recommend y’all finding a coworker you’re not afraid to cry in front of

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@schizesq

8 months

Please don’t make fun of me I am fragile and have never actually seen the show 💀

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@schizesq

2 years

Purposefully addressing all of my Christmas cards to unmarried couples with the woman’s last name only

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@schizesq

2 years

Me: *realizes it’s a Friday in Lent half way through my breakfast burrito* Husband: “Yeah I decided not to say anything when I saw you open it because I thought it might make you cry”

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@schizesq

2 years

it’s a beautiful day to ✨listen✨ to your attorney

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@schizesq

3 years

Normalize always having some kind of non-alcoholic beverage on hand for guests. Fresh iced tea, diet soda, and seltzers show you care so much more than “sorry I just have water.”

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