Samantha Ruddy @samlymatters Twitter profile | Pikagi

Pikagi

Samantha Ruddy

@samlymatters

48,487

Followers

2,339

Following

2,745

Media

27,831

Statuses

Comedian from the Tonight Show & the Late Show. Dozens of followers on TikTok.

Philadelphia, PA

Joined May 2009

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

Pinned Tweet

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

The One Where Joey Gives Everyone COVID *Joey enters* Joey: Guess who got laid! Monica: Joey! I thought we all agreed to be extra careful. Delta is no joke. Rachel: She’s right, hun, my boyfriend got a breakthrough case and that’s why he’s canceled our last 6 dates...oh wait

35

279

2K

Last Seen Profiles

@lionsnotsheep_

@ele_neiro

@JuanCarlos61974

@Serwaa_Amihere

@LesThermes_Tlse

@BaloiseLT

@Gandalf__coc

@Coach68Hinojos

@JimmyHiggi5591

@Sky_WatchersWx

@infromtheside

@crafzone_Shop

@maisosbebe

@euphoriaofjeon

@danny_demi_defi

@Ricksreno

@shirock_

@MichelaCusiii

@DriansHazard

@SalvaEspin

@produtivou

@52batesryan

@EthxnH_

@megamint07

@betwayusa

@BlasterItachi

@vomHeiderand

@pimpyobtcout

@luka5c0m

@adarojo

@Toxi60

@wegner_clif

@KleptoFL

@Pincertidumbre

@Thecrazedbandi1

@StuckeyJace

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

So pissed at whoever smoked pot in my mom’s garage. She just smelled it and flipped out. Not funny!!!! Told her if I catch them around here again I’ll beat their ass. Who would do this on Christmas Eve of all days??? Don’t worry, mom, I’m on the case.

1K

37K

408K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 years

I saw a strip club across the street from a minigolf place and I’m liberal but that’s too much for me. What if you’re just trying to have a nice afternoon with your family then your kids look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf?

710

55K

286K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

One time when I was like 11 my dad took me to an Italian restaurant and the waiter asked what my name was and I said “Sam but you can call me captain ravioli” and my dad just looked at me and said “what the fuck was that? don’t do that” and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

256

25K

247K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

Proud to announce that I went viral for being a huge bitch to Tomi Lahren

Tweet media one

1K

20K

233K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Gatorade is a drink for both world class athletes and hungover drunks who don’t know how they got home last night. There’s no middle ground. Nobody is drinking Gatorade because their day was fine. You either brought home the state championship or woke up in a state prison.

784

27K

220K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

California: 3 more months of lockdown Florida: Okay, we’ll bite....what IS coronavirus?

231

17K

182K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

I like Dua Lipa because all of her songs give me little instructions

199

12K

174K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

*sees somebody on twitter who is more successful than me* I gotta get off this website *switches to Instagram and sees someone hotter than me* Man, fuck this app *goes on Facebook and sees a guy I went to middle school with is in jail for murder* There we go

196

22K

166K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

7 years

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" sign I'm gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

506

37K

154K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

Happy pride I will never forget what my grandmother said to me when I came out to her at age 18. The words have really stuck with me. She said “stop crying we’re at a Chinese buffet I don’t care if you’re gay”

154

7K

145K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

I got absolutely fucking owned by my brother’s 21 year old girlfriend yesterday

Tweet media one

288

8K

139K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

244

6K

133K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 months

They’re doing spider science over on the Sephora Reddit

Tweet media one

Tweet media two

343

11K

127K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

I started losing my eyebrow hairs pretty rapidly this year so I went to a dermatologist to get a diagnosis — when he said I have alopecia I told him I was shocked. He said “you don’t look surprised.” I was like “I know because I don’t have eyebrows.”

177

5K

117K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Man for a country that doesn’t care about women or soccer, we are fucking amazing at women’s soccer

185

14K

116K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

488

10K

111K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

Oh you don’t want to pay $8 for verification? Well I didn’t want to pay $44,000,000,000 for this fucking website but here we are

352

8K

108K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

When a mayor or governor tweets “somebody needs to do something about this.”

Tweet media one

45

14K

95K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

It’s kind of fucked up that kids move out when they turn 18. Like you spend all that money, time, and love and they still just leave??? Imagine if you adopted a cat, had it for 18 years, and then suddenly it packed up its shit and was like “I’m going to Arizona State”

426

5K

88K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

Just saw a blue lives matter flag with a red line and a green line and I feel like we’re one more stripe away from a bunch of trucks driving around with accidental pride flags

107

4K

84K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

Just found out my grandpa replies “ok” to every spam email and text

74

2K

83K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

I cancelled a gym membership and they kept charging me anyway. I got in a fight with a representative and told him “I’ll fight these charges until I die. The first thing you have to know about me is that I never give up.” He was like “well you only came to the gym one time, so”

263

4K

76K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

Cilantro is delicious and the soap people are just addicted to drama

385

6K

69K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

You can only have two

Tweet media one

617

6K

66K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

I swear to god if I have to live through any other turbulent times in history I’ll scream

86

4K

59K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

I’m dressed sort of butch today and a guy in a pickup truck just rolled down his window and yelled “go lgbt! my son is gay!” then almost crashed his car and I gotta tell you it was like the best interaction I’ve ever had with a guy in a pickup truck

94

7K

54K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

The kids my girlfriend nannies for have a new game called customer service where they sit at this desk and ask what your problem is then tell you they can’t solve it and complain about how many emails they have to answer and nobody has any idea where they learned it

Tweet media one

103

2K

54K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 months

Girls will meet their npc husband in high school and be like “invisible string”…..yes, it was your zip code.

35

2K

52K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

Move over, 6 word short story. There’s a new king in town.

Tweet media one

125

5K

50K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

Being raised Catholic has prepared me for cancel culture in the sense that I’m already sorry for everything I’ve ever done.

98

6K

51K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

My girlfriend’s aunt put out a bowl of skittles mixed with M&Ms and it’s the most chaotic thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life

Tweet media one

1K

3K

47K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Women tend to have way more interesting scandals than men. Dudes usually get in trouble because they were horny or they were angry. We get in trouble because we start a fake blood company or pay $500k to get our kid on a rowing team.

166

4K

45K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

Living in a red state during COVID is a lot like realizing your parents don’t let you do whatever you want because they’re cool it’s because they don’t care about you

96

3K

44K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

Just thinking about my dad’s best Facebook post again

Tweet media one

73

2K

39K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

Being in love is humiliating and—if elected—I will put an end to it.

56

3K

38K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

Divorced parents during social distancing

Tweet media one

37

3K

37K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 years

MAGA twitter: we don’t need gun control we just need to stop bullying people Me: maybe we should also do gun control MAGA: snowflake Me: I thought there was no more bullying MAGA: just for children Me: oh ok so kids are off limits MAGA: here’s a meme of David Hogg as Hitler

117

8K

36K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Wore my Patagonia sweater out the other night and was told I look like a tech bro. Let’s get one thing fucking straight. I do not look like a tech bro. Tech bros look like lesbians.

117

2K

36K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

7 years

Jeff Sessions is waging a war on weed and homosexuality and the only way you can fight it is by being high and gay RIGHT NOW

318

9K

35K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

11 months

Today’s job market combines the abusiveness of 1900s jobs and uselessness of 2000s jobs. Somebody will be like “I do growth onboarding for a cupcake company that has a compliment on every wrapper.” And you’ll be like “oh that sounds fun” and they’ll be like “actually they hit us”

21

5K

36K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 months

I missed the anniversary of my dad’s best Facebook post

Tweet media one

25

1K

29K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

I knew we were dumb I did not realize we were this dumb

359

3K

28K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

I had sex with my friend in 2015 and she got pregnant like a week later (via her husband) and she always jokes it’s my kid. I got a new phone a while ago, lost her number then got a text that said “been a while since you saw your daughter” and I freaked out. Idk how men do it.

51

765

26K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

We’ve all agreed to be a little bit fucked up forever when this is all over, right?

320

2K

25K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 years

Brett Kavanaugh answers every question like you just backed into his BMW

116

3K

24K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 years

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

71

4K

24K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 months

Sorry I didn’t name the lotion it’s just that I really want a Wikipedia page one day and it’s super important to me not to have a section labeled “legal battle with lotion company”

25

297

22K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Never understood why people think the Clintons can pull off murdering people. Bill couldn’t get away with a blowjob.

186

2K

20K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 months

*sees Greta Gerwig is remaking Little Women* Damn there’s no way she could make a movie about littler women *sees Greta Gerwig is making Barbie* What the FUCK

17

930

19K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

It feels like some people don’t realize that if you die in the pandemic, you die in real life.

37

2K

19K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

Have you ever been so progressive that it went full circle and you’re basically just following the tenets of the Catholic Church?

45

632

18K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 months

I got laid off yesterday. It’s a blur but when I got on the zoom call with my manager and saw an HR guy was also there I’m 90% sure I said “ah shit you got me”

57

325

18K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 years

America is definitely a woman because that flag looks very polite but uncomfortable

Tweet media one

234

3K

17K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

Dua Lipa: don’t pick up the phone Me: yes ma’am

11

542

17K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

Ok not to be a narc but it sucks that gambling is now completely, unavoidably intertwined with major sports.

272

736

15K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

As a Warren person who is more than willing to vote for Bernie (not just in the general, in the primary if it looks like Biden/Buttigieg will take it otherwise) I gotta say: you guys gotta stop with the snake emojis. It’s embarrassing. It’s like some stan twitter level shit.

251

758

15K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

Rewatching Broad City and realizing how unrealistic it is that they’re best friends and Abbi lives in Astoria and Ilana lives in Gowanus. No way they would be able to maintain that. An hour and a half on the R? No friendship would stand a chance.

53

391

14K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

I like the presidents who don’t get COVID

49

1K

13K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 years

I hate when restaurants include chips with your sandwich. This isn’t a goddamn picnic. I didn’t go to a restaurant to eat food I used to trade for Oreos in 2nd grade. Serve fries or you’re a gas station.

176

2K

12K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

If I come home from a trip I either torture myself by trying to unpack before I’ve even peed or torture myself by not unpacking for 7 weeks. There is no middle ground.

16

468

13K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

*trying to explain barstool sports to my mom* It’s kind of like ESPN but if it was made specifically for guys who’ve been expelled for hazing

43

1K

11K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 years

I’m a gay person and a woman. XXXTentacion beat the shit out of members of both groups at different points. I still can’t be happy he’s gone. A 20 year old kid was gunned down in the street. Was he a good person? No. But now he’ll never have the opportunity to be.

123

2K

11K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

There was a cute bug on my train and instead of freaking out everyone in my subway car just took turns holding it. New York is the dumbest and I love it.

Tweet media one

Tweet media two

Tweet media three

65

714

10K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 months

Every time I visit Wikipedia

Tweet media one

5

337

10K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

Ok so why am I still sad???

290

504

10K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

My cat poops like this and it will never stop being funny to me. Her litterbox is huge yet she chooses this.

Tweet media one

131

861

10K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

I got a friend request from a girl I went to school with who sucked but I accepted it because I’m a masochist. Then she liked a bunch of my posts and I was like “maybe she’s cool now” because I’m a narcissist. Then she invited me to her pyramid scheme. Always trust your gut.

61

286

10K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

1 year

Love when nobody is at the airport but TSA still makes you go through the rope maze to get to them. Like yes go off I’m your little rat.

12

472

10K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

We all owe Kristen Stewart a big apology for how we treated her when we thought she was straight

43

721

9K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

One straight couple thing that gay people absolutely cannot comprehend is “agreeing to disagree” about politics. I know lesbians who’ve broken up because one of them voted for the wrong comptroller.

46

302

9K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

March 2021: Getting the vaccine is your civic duty May 2021: Get the vaccine and be entered to win a Honda Civic

10

452

9K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

She followed it up with “I don’t care who you love but I would prefer if you didn’t sleep with women” and I didn’t know what to say so I was just like “uhhh ok” and now she buys my gf a Christmas present every year and tells her she loves her and thinks we’re celibate 🤠

24

68

8K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 years

When I left my last job, one of my coworkers said “I’m going to miss you and I’d say let’s get a drink soon, but I don’t hang out with people or leave the house much, so this is probably the last time I’ll ever see you.” and I respected it so much

13

615

8K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

I met John Mulaney one time. He was with another bigger comic I sorta knew and she came over, hugged me, & said “Sorry I don’t remember your name but I know we’ve met.” Without missing a beat, John hugged me & said “I don’t remember your name but we’ve never met.” It was perfect.

14

226

8K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

TSA agent: your ID doesn’t look like you at all Me: I chopped all my hair off and I look gayer now TSA agent: Oh yeah that’s it Guy behind me in line: Oh I see it now

11

421

8K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

Which half of your rent are you going to spend your stimulus check on?

62

564

8K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

I am absolutely obsessed with this old navy review and I just want to share it with more people

Tweet media one

14

193

8K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

SO THE BAND YOU HEAR IN THE MOVIE IS ACTUALLY LETTERS TO CLEO BUT THE ACTRESSES WHO PLAY THE PUSSYCATS REALLY SELL IT. THE REVIEWS WERE LUKEWARM BECAUSE THE SOCIAL COMMENTARY WAS AHEAD OF ITS TIME IN A LOT OF WAYS. ALSO TARA REID GIVES HER BEST PERFORMANCE!

Tweet media one

77

955

7K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

Yesterday I was riding bikes with my best friend and she got hit by a car and when I was pulling her out of the street I saw blood and guts on her helmet, seized in terror, then looked and saw she had killed a rat with her head. My friend will be okay. The rat did not make it.

34

156

7K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

7 years

This is why there's no right wing daily show.

46

614

6K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

All my friends: I’m burnt out. There are simply not enough hours in the day. Also all my friends: I watched two documentaries about the same exact thing to see if they were a little different from each other

30

713

6K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

6 years

Tom Brady went to the MET Gala dressed like he was about to ruin Rebecca Bunch’s life

Tweet media one

Tweet media two

72

1K

6K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

Really tough year for people without a dark sense of humor

15

777

6K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Any man can be a leather daddy but it takes a real man to be a leather father

12

895

6K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 months

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

7

340

5K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Facebook is where I go to fight with people who have different opinions. Twitter is where I go to fight with people who agree with me.

41

366

5K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Somebody just told me that they’re on the De Blasio train if he winds up running for president and to that all I can say is good luck because that train will likely run local, then express, then back to local, stop after 10pm, and take off weekends.

67

591

5K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

2 years

You’re laughing? I spent 44 billion dollars on an unprofitable website during my mid-life crisis, fired the people who make it safe for advertisers, immediately asked some of them to come back, then had to make new rules to stop people from mocking me and you’re LAUGHING?

Tweet media one

42

716

5K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

If 2020 was the best year of your life you don’t have to write an essay you can just keep it to yourself happy new year

19

294

5K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Lady Bird is a tribute to older millennials who cried to Dave Matthews and lived and died by Kazaa. Booksmart is that for juuling, Tik Tok loving gen z teens. We need a movie for younger millennials who graduated in 2010 and had to live through Jersey Shore and Lil Wayne.

53

356

5K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

Have fun being in lockdown, coastal elites. Here in Alabama our governor doesn’t care if we live or die so I can still go swimming in the fountain at the mall. 😎

26

191

5K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

7 years

@realDonaldTrump I heard that last night you hit Steve Bannon over the back of the head with a chair and then Pence tagged himself in.

208

305

4K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

I swear to god people on this website will be like “Pronouns in bio? Your opinion doesn’t matter. Anyway, I have to go start a forest fire with my wife I met in 4th grade to see if we should buy pink curtains or blue ones.”

18

407

5K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

Yesterday I saw parasite and I sat next to a woman who remained completely silent through the violence and gore then screamed like she was watching Nightmare on Elm Street when the college aged guy kissed the high schooler he tutors

25

158

4K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

7 years

@Haaroony @_pronto_ never thought about it like that. I guess I'll have to stop this totally serious, not-at-all in jest behavior.

24

44

4K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

Sexual harassment drives female comics out of the industry. It’s an indisputable fact. But it also drives out waitresses and female club staff who could eventually progress into bookers and general managers and make club environments less hostile toward women. Vicious cycle.

14

526

4K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

4 years

My neighbor’s WiFi name is “butch” and I was like “oh cool other lesbians” and then I slowly remembered that I live in Alabama now and it’s 1000% just a dude named Butch. Anyway, I made my WiFi network Soft Butch.

20

120

4K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 months

Bought my cat a bow tie because I thought it would make him look fancy, but he just looks like a jaded blackjack dealer. A stare that says “knock yourself out, buddy. split the tens.”

Tweet media one

26

169

4K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

5 years

Being a lesbian is hard in the summer. Every day I wake up and my denim jacket asks “Today?” and I go “Not today, buddy. But soon. So soon.”

26

415

4K

@samlymatters

Samantha Ruddy

3 years

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can't “pull something off” like honey I'm trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

17

168

4K