Rob Gotobed @robgotobed Twitter profile

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Rob Gotobed

6 months

My latest book ‘The Canyons Of Rob Gotobed's Overactive Mind’ is out now! Available in paperback, eBook and audiobook. "Candid and brilliantly funny, this is a page-turning comedy book in the best tradition of British humor." Jimmy Fallon 2023

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

Beds are just envelopes that mail you to your dreams.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

The girlfriend just asked me, "What's that pile of clothes doing on the bedroom floor?" ….I said, "It's a dead Jedi!!"

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

The lost black and white classic Ingmar Bergman film, “The Seventh Muppet” has recently been restored and remastered. The film depicts the violence and the struggle of modern life through a game of chess played between a disillusioned Kermit The Frog and the figure of Death.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

Brilliant! My favorite Christmas show ‘When KISS Saved Christmas!’ is on tonight.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 months

Had a great time last night at Sudeley Castle’s Spectacle of Light. Well done to all those involved and a big shout out to all those who recognised me and came and said hello!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

8 months

Just about to set sail on the ocean waves to do some book promotion for my latest comedy book. By the way, I have no idea where I got the inspiration for the design of this boat!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

Sorry I’m late tweeting today but I got told off for blocking the blowhole on Ed Sheeran’s inflatable dolphin.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 months

WAITER: Sir, do you have any allergies we should know about? ROB: Yes, I have an allergy to peanuts. CHARLIE BROWN: Let's go, Snoopy. It’s obvious we’re not welcome here.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 months

Cooked my first Japanese meal today. I cooked mushroom gyozas and chicken yaki udon noodles with a soy and ginger dip sauce. Delicious!! 今日は初めての日本食を作りました。きのこ餃子と鶏焼きうどんをしょうが醤油で作りました。美味しい！！

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 months

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Just found out that my copy of The Beatles Abbey Road Album is a fake. Can’t believe I never noticed the mistake before.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

Why does the line in the Christmas carol 'O Little Town of Bethlehem', "No ear may hear his coming", always remind me of Deadpool?!?

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

7 months

Stand Up not going too well. Thinking of going in a different direction.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

11 months

The missing Vincent van Gogh Self Portrait.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 months

Today I phoned Mario Bros Plumbing to come and fix my toilet. They arrived in good time but just jumped in my toilet and disappeared. Didn't make any attempt to fix it! 0 out of 10 stars!!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 months

Just getting ready for my early morning shave.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

I wish there was an app where I could point my phone at someone and find out exactly how much money they earn.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

Just watched the weirdest Battle of Waterloo reenactment ever!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

I remember the day I put so much gasoline in my car I couldn't get in it!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

After another tragic accident, I am regretfully abandoning my dream of flying in a cold-air balloon.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Just been confirmed as the writer/director of the new Paddington 3 movie. I intend to go in a new direction and combine my love of Paddington Bear with films with epic battle scenes. So, ‘Paddington the Bravehat!’ should be in cinemas at Christmas 2023!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Here is the undisputed truth that The Beatles were in fact the first Jedi, tasked by the Galactic Republic to be the guardians of love, peace and music! ビートルズが愛と平和と音楽の守護者としての任務を負った最初のジェダイだったという議論の余地のない真実! ＃スターウォーズ

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

11 months

It's never illogical Captain to look absolutely fabulous!!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Here are some of the funny translations I have seen during my recent comedy tours.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 months

True Fact! Whenever a rock musician smashes their guitar on stage it's because they saw a spider.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 month

Oh, come on? Really? Why would you bring a bottle of moonshine whiskey to my house when you know I'm addicted to building ships in bottles?

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

I've been doing experiments with rats and cocaine in my science lab. One rat has started choosing it over food, while another has started a PR agency, and a third has started campaigning to become the next President of the USA!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

7 months

Today I am very sad, the saddest I’ve been since George Lucas rejected my demo for a new title song for The Last Jedi. Apparently, my song ‘Star Wars (What Are They Good For? Huh, Yeah. Absolutely Nothing, Say It Again!) Might have been misinterpreted in a negative way.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

If you want to enjoy sky diving without the danger, then why not do what I do, and zoom in on Google Earth really, really fast!! 危険を冒さずにスカイダイビングを楽しみたいですか？それでは、私と同じように、Google Earth を本当に、本当に速く拡大してみませんか!!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

6 months

This year’s big Christmas movie is the NEW Rob Gotobed film, ‘Carry On Barbie!’

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 year

This week’s new ‘Rob Gotobed Word’ is ‘Scrotum’ (noun) – the only must-have bag for men!!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

My idea of the perfect bachelor pad is the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. One Big chair and a giant Ultra HD screen. That’s why Star Trek is the ultimate male fantasy. It’s no wonder aliens were always beaming on board, because Kirk was the only one with the big screen.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

8 months

Are these the coolest chairs ever?

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

1 month

I’d forgotten how young I look in this picture. この写真では自分がどれだけ若く見えるか忘れていました。

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Remember the time I hypnotized Paul McCartney into thinking he was the Hulk! ロブがポール・マッカートニーに催眠術をかけ、自分がハルクだと思わせた時のことを思い出してください!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Buzzy my favourite pet bee has gone missing! If you see him please get in contact.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Remember those less fortunate than you! Kids who graduated Hogwarts this summer are facing the worst wizard job market in living memory. ハリーポッター。ホグワーツ。

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Just been to Harry Potter World based on the new book.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Watch Robert Plant while Roger Waters. The all-new Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd gardening show!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

My brother has come up with a unique way to avoid touching his face. #standuptocoronavirus #staysafe #StayHomeSaveLives

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

素晴らしいゲームプレイ！

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Great-grandfather and great-grandmother Gotobed standing next to the sculpture my great-grandmother made in her husband’s honour.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

My grandmother, great-grandmother and great-grandmother’s sister. Just in case you’re wondering where I got my sense of humour from.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

After the critical success of the movie ‘Nomadland’ which was written, produced, edited and directed by Chloé Zhao, Chloé is hoping to have similar success with her next film project: Paddington Bear Nopantsland!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Role playing during sex can be extremely arousing! The trouble is, when something goes wrong and then you have to have a relationship talk dressed as Buzz Lightyear.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Remember how The Beatles used to look before they had their eye correction surgery.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Even when visiting Disneyland, The Beatles never broke stride.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

5 years

Thanks to everyone who came to see me at the @TheComedyStore in LA and for making it one of the best gigs of my career. The great thing about being a comic is that at night you get to play some amazing comedy clubs but during the day, you get to act as a kid and go to Disneyland.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

I guess even Mr Potato Head can gain a few pounds over Christmas.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

The Beatles demonstrating social distancing.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

It’s a little known fact, but Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr still cross the road at Abbey Road studios every day at noon. (Except Bank Holidays)

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Winston Churchill giving my great-grandfather some good advice!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Male members of the Gotobed family pose for the camera after their annual attempt to swim the English Channel in 1897. Top hats were compulsory!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

My grandmother always feels bad when a bird slams head first into her patio doors. Mind you, if she really felt that bad she would move the bird feeder table outside.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Finally, I can now reveal why The Beatles were crossing Abbey Road in 1969. It was to get the first “Apple”🍏cell phones!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Here is the undisputed truth that The Beatles were in fact the first Jedi, tasked by the Galactic Republic to be the guardians of love, peace and music!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

If you want to enjoy sky diving without the danger, then why not do what I do, and zoom in on Google Earth really, really fast!!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

A lot of people still don’t realise that The Beatles never actually crossed the zebra crossing in front of Abbey Road Studios. The photo was photoshopped from this original picture of The Beatles attending their local Sunday school nature walk in 1968.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Brilliant! My favorite Christmas show ‘When KISS Saved Christmas!’ is on tonight.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

I got drunk last night and ate half of my kid's gingerbread house. Does anyone know a good gingerbread contractor?

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

I don’t know who is worse, the people who sign their pets names on Christmas cards, or the pets who refuse to sign.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

I once tickled Led Zeppelin's lead singer Robert Plant just as he was about to sing at a private dinner. I regretted it for a long time as he’s only spoken to me once since that night. But I'm glad now. He needed it.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

Today I am very sad, the saddest I’ve been since George Lucas rejected my demo for a new title song for The Last Jedi. Apparently, my song ‘Star Wars (What Are They Good For? Huh, Yeah. Absolutely Nothing, Say It Again!) Might have been misinterpreted in a negative way.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

My girlfriend hates it when I give her a Christmas/birthday combination gift! But hey, that’s what she gets for being born in May.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

I went to visit the monkeys at my local zoo today. Well, after all, they did evolve from us.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Guess who’s holding the traffic up again?

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

It's a real shame that Steven Spielberg never shouted "cut" and Harrison Ford is still running away from that giant boulder.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

I spotted this old geezer looking through the classic rock section in my local record shop. He’s probably never even heard of Led Zeppelin!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Just been confirmed as the writer/director of the new Paddington 3 movie. I intend to go in a new direction and combine my love of Paddington Bear with films with epic battle scenes. So, ‘Paddington the Braveheart’ should be in cinemas at Christmas 2022!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

Why is it that the Police never seem to like it when I ask them if they need any help? Especially when I’m dressed as Captain Funky Trunks!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

2 years

My grandpa ‘Beelzebub Gotobed’ is always complaining that the younger generation never show the older generation any respect! Well, just to prove him wrong, here is my grandpa enjoying a special dish of his favourite steak and chips which I cooked for him.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

One of my sister’s kids has just brought me two bottles of bourbon and said, "Here's your Christmas juice Uncle Rob," and now she's the one I'm leaving everything to.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Remember the time I hypnotised Paul McCartney into thinking he was the Hulk!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

As the official Court Jester to Her Majesty The Queen, I am sometimes called on to perform for the Queen at very short notice. But it is always a pleasure!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

My great-grandfather, Reginald Gotobed, being randomly selected to be the next King of England.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

"Hello, this is your captain speaking. I am sorry to inform you that I have fallen out of the airplane, lol. But hey, very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset though!”

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

Jack Daniels whiskey helping rock bands see magical Leprechauns since 1875!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Awoken last night by a commotion coming from the bathroom. When I went to investigate I could not believe my eyes. I bet Andy from ‘Toy Story’ never had this trouble.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

This morning I bought a new solar-powered tanning bed.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

I like to show everyone I'm a big shot by marching into McDonald’s and shouting, "Send me your burger menu option with the most melted cheese and pickled gherkins. Money is no obstacle!"

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

5 years

Did you know that in 2017 a Vincent Van Gogh painting sold for $81.3 million. All the more remarkable when you think that Vincent Van Gogh didn’t sell a single painting during his lifetime. Mind you, at those prices I’m not surprised!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

My great-grandmother would have survived the sinking of the Titanic if she hadn’t spent three hours looking for a non-smoking lifeboat.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

6 years

Played the amazing @GothamComedy last night. After 26 shows in 18 cities this is becoming my favourite tour ever. I have had some truly magical moments, like the time I spontaneously combusted in the MIDDLE of my act. Maybe I should have filmed that one for a Netflix special?

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

I was 27 before I realised the girl I called sister was a puppet. My evil stepmother created her because she said I wasn’t funny enough.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Do you want to give yourself something to look forward to in the morning? Text your girlfriend, "I think you owe me an apology💩💩💩!!!" then turn off your phone and go to bed.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

5 years

Day 37 of my journey via the "Silly" route to play @TheComedyStore and to make my second appearance on @FallonTonight . Today before appearing at the Tokyo Comedy Store I spent the day at the Toto Toilet Museum. And believe me when I say I was truly flushed away by the experience!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

Ringo Starr shows John Lennon the correct way to fart in public, according to the Rob Gotobed Book on English Etiquette.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

I see that Segway has ended production of its original two-wheeler, Personal Transporter. Mind you, it’s easy to forget how long the Segway has been around!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

4 years

Look what those awfully nice people at Little Tikes Cozy Coupes presented me with for my birthday. I’m treating it like a NEW toy.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Bought my girlfriend a pair of classy stiletto shoes for her birthday. I still have no idea why she broke up with me.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Rob Gotobed, who was ‘Cryogenically Frozen’ at the beginning of the UK Lockdown in 2020, will be defrosted today. You have been warned!!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

Starting to really miss performing live. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I went to see a live show. But I think it was when Bob Beethoven performed his first electric concert at the Newport Rock Festival!

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

I played with my great-grandfather a lot when I was a child. He died before I was born, but he was such a fun guy my parents had him cremated and put his ashes in my Etch-A-Sketch.

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Rob Gotobed

@robgotobed

3 years

People always want to know how come I am such a good skier, when I’ve never actually been skiing!?!? Well, my success is all down to this album my grandad gave me.