Jesus H Christ 😀 @officialHJesus Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

5 years

Ok. So I've done a Star Wars opening version of Donnie T's week. Hope you like it....😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

@TheRealHoarse @laurenboebert Wait till she hears about the Geneva Convention. That will throw her...😀

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@officialHJesus

3 years

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself "Well, how did I get here?"...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Nativity 2019...😐

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss, what does smoking marijuana do?...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Thought I'd give you all a heads up. This is next months problem...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

ALERT: This woman does not have any connection with me or God. She is in the same boat as Joel Osteen. Taking money from innocent parties. Don't fall for it. Do not pay this woman a dime. Heaven has no need for money...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Any chance of you using that mega church as an emergency hospital when the time comes?...😀

Joel Osteen

@JoelOsteen

4 years

Your best days are still ahead. Stay in faith. Keep believing.

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

I just got pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had a police record. Apparently "Roxanne" was not the answer he wanted to hear...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Eventually everybody will be quarantined in their houses with no sports to watch. And then 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born. And they will be known as the Coronials...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

5 years

Donald Trumps Mount Rushmore design is looking pretty accurate.......😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

37 years ago I was hoping for a Millennium Falcon for Christmas. Instead I got a rebel transporter. Every year since I have reminded my family of this injustice. Today 37 years later I finally got a vintage Millennium Falcon. Merry Christmas everybody...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

There seems to be a lot of Evangelical pastors worried about their flock not attending service so they can fleece more money out of their pockets. Stay at home everyone. Be safe...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

5 years

Just so everybody knows this guy wasn't born. He was summoned....😀

Brian J. Karem

@BrianKarem

5 years

Stephen Miller trying to explain how any escaped ISIS fighters can be stopped at our border. ⁦ @realDonaldTrump ⁩

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

I was only being honest...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Everyone forget the rapture. I was just being sarcastic...😉

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

I can confirm that it is indeed over...😀

Diamond and Silk®

@DiamondandSilk

3 years

It ain't over until God says it's over!

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

There is no reason at all to attend a church. Other than to line the pockets of those who don't want their tithing sales targets to drop. It's not a like a concert where I am going to turn up. Practice faith at home. Stay home. Stay safe...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

The amount of people who confuse "too" and "to" is amazing two me...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

For all those wondering, here is my son Brian. We share no blood but he is my life. He came from Jerusalem (legally of course) six years ago and lives with me in Heaven. I am so proud of him and raising him has been the best, most rewarding thing I've done in my life...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

If you face swap Mulder and Scully they look like an 80s synth pop band...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

With spring approaching remember. No playing Yahtzee with squirrels...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

My time on Twitter has come to an end. I just don't have the time anymore. It has been amazing, & I appreciate all of my followers. Take care...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

A farmer got his stimulus check and then bought some baby chickens. Got his money for nothin, and his chicks for free...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Shouldn't it really be called Teethpaste?...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Happy Birthday to me...😀

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@officialHJesus

3 years

The manager at the local IKEA store is retiring, so I sent him this cake...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Look who's on Grindr...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Straight up that is the first time ever I have heard a stripper read a children's book...😀

Melania Trump 45 Archived

@FLOTUS45

4 years

Happy Easter! While I am not able to read to children during the #WHEasterEggRoll , I would still like to honor the annual tradition & share a reading from one of my favorite Easter’s books – "The Little Rabbit"

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

I thought it was a nasal swab...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Every person is a child of God he says. While keeping children in cages separated from their families and pouring money into a military arm called Space Force. This is the biggest hypocrite of a President ever seen...😐

Department of State

@StateDept

4 years

. @RealDonaldTrump : ...at Christmas, we remember this eternal truth: Every person is a beloved child of God.

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

I nearly came up with a joke about a crucifix but I just couldn't nail it...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

BREAKING NEWS: COVID19 has tested positive for Stephen Miller...😐

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

A truck carrying a load thesauruses crashed today losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, horrified and astounded...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

5 years

Are you referring to the $1.5 Million donation from a Russian linked firm? Because I am not cleansing that crap. You can't buy your way in up here you muppet.....😀

Marco Rubio

@marcorubio

5 years

Cleanse me from my inadvertent sins. Also from arrogant ones restrain your servant;let them never control me. Then shall I be blameless,innocent of grave sin.Let the words of my mouth be acceptable,the thoughts of my heart before you,LORD, my rock & my redeemer. Psalms 19:13-15

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

To be fair Greta Thunberg did try and warn you...😀

Sky News

@SkyNews

3 years

Human penises are shrinking because of pollution, warns scientist

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

I was aiming for the White House...😀

Rex Chapman🏇🏼

@RexChapman

4 years

The Washington Monument just now, y’all...

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

When I'm bored I call Best Western motels and when they answer "Best Western". I say "True Grit with Jeff Bridges and Josh Brolin" and then hang up...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Just going through some old stuff and found my crib that I was born in all those years ago. I look under the baby blanket and what do I find. A Hunter Biden laptop...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Hello.....anyone here...It's very dark in this Cave. Could someone please move the boulder so I can get out...please.......HELLO....😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

I keep getting requests for pictures of topless chick's just wearing skirts. So here you go...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Question in from Sarah in Oklahoma: If two Trumps supporters get divorced do they remain cousins?...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Wouldn't it be ironic if Trump was brought down by a virus from China named after a Mexican beer...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

This is a picture of an asteroid crater in Arizona. Just look how close it came to hitting the visitor centre...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

This guy gets everywhere...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

From up here that looked like a direct hit. I must get more practice in...😀

Doug Mills

@dougmillsnyt

4 years

A streak of lightening passes behind @realDonaldTrump as he walks off Air Force One at Joint Base Andrews, Md. following a campaign rally in Londonderry, NH.

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

A priest a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "What'll you have?. The rabbit says "I dunno. I'm only here because of autocorrect"...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Did you know that in the entire history of calming down no one has ever actually calmed down by being told to calm down...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Breaking News. A man was admitted to hospital today with 21 toy plastic horses up his bottom. Doctors have described his condition as Stable...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

I hear a few on here saying that they grow their own pot so I thought I would give it a try. Not sure I've done it right though...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Just had my first vaccine jab...😉

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Right. I've had enough. Things are getting out of hand. I too am running for President of America. Policies such as mandatory sandal wearing, no big wooden crosses etc will be part of my manifesto. Also eternal life for good people. Who wants to be my VP?...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Don't hold back dad...😀

God

@TheTweetOfGod

4 years

Thanks for noticing, Mr. President!

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

I'm thinking of uninstalling and reinstalling 2020 because it has a virus...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

@MollyJongFast He's not stalking her at all...😐

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Can someone arrange for DHL to pop in and collect the testicle?...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Here's a question for the mind readers out there.

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

I went to the doctors yesterday with hearing problems. My doctor asked "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said Homer works at the nuclear plant and Marge has blue hair...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Here's a stained glass window of Debbie from the local pub taking me home and trying to get me to rise again...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Here's a question for the mind readers out there...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

OK. Public announcement. Neither me or dad need cash. So down there on Earth just keep your cash for yourselves. We're in Heaven why would we need cash? We don't run our electricity on a meter or anything. Oh and stay at home. Be safe...😉

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Just wait until conspiracy theorists discover they're part of a conspiracy to use conspiracy theorists to spread disinformation via conspiracy theories...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

I bloody well did not thank you very much...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Does anyone want to see the Terms and Conditions before entering into 2021?...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Take your age and then add 5 to it. That will be your age in 5 years...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch... Yeti never complains...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Marco why do thou quoteth scripture only to practice the opposite?...😐

Marco Rubio

@marcorubio

4 years

When Israel was a child I loved him,a out of Egypt I called my son. Hosea 11:1

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Washington Examiner

@dcexaminer

4 years

Roger Stone says he's found Jesus.

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@officialHJesus

3 years

The four stages of a mans life. 1. You believe in Santa 2. You don't believe in Santa 3. You are Santa 4. You look like Santa...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

I felt a bit daring tonight. So I had an After 8 mint at 7.45pm...😀

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@officialHJesus

3 years

Showed my friend a photo of me with the band REM he said "Which one are you?", I said.."That's me in the corner"...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. When you swim in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

This is how you do it. Not like Ivanka and her shadow puppet trick show...😀

The Hummingbird 🐦

@SaysHummingbird

4 years

WOW. I. HAVE. NO. WORDS. 😭 Sweden's Princess Sofia has announced she's reducing her Royal duties so she can volunteer at local hospital. She has already completed intensive training to prepare for it. In her new role, she'll be disinfecting, cleaning, & working in the kitchen.

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Kelly I would rather get kicked in my love spuds than have you mention my name...😀

Senator Kelly Loeffler

@SenatorLoeffler

4 years

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

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@officialHJesus

4 years

I'd rather catch herpes...😀

Matt Gaetz

@mattgaetz

4 years

Catch me on @seanhannity tonight!

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Baby Yoda cloud...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Just think. There are people who actually purchased a 2020 planner...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

Technically Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the Cloud...😀

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

4 years

Will we be seeing you in church later or are you going to be skipping it again?...😀

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

4 years

Thank you Franklin!

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@officialHJesus

2 years

Does anyone actually know where the middle of nowhere is ?...😀

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@officialHJesus

3 years

I just want my followers to know somebody cares. Not me but somebody does...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Did you know Yoda had a last name? It was Layheehoo...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

I think this is the image that @ProjectLincoln said not to retweet...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

She's got Betty Devos eyes...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

This Addams family remake looks shit...😀

Matt Gaetz

@mattgaetz

4 years

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@officialHJesus

4 years

So tonight at 8.20pm it will be 20:20 on the 20th in 2020...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Hi Paula. I just checked and it seems you were a 'satanic pregnancy' that somehow got through. Please make your way to the gates of Hell. Thank you...😀

Paula White Ministries

@TheRealPWM

4 years

One more prayer could change your life, don't stop now.

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

I'll be there for 5.45pm...😀

YS

@NYinLA2121

3 years

I think this church is challenging Jesus to a fight!

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@officialHJesus

3 years

I was doing interviews earlier and I said to the first candidate "Can you perform under pressure?". And they replied "No, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a go"...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Today I'm going to work on being less condescending. (Condescending means to talk down to people)...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Today's Top Tip: Blowing on the wine in your coffee mug will help convince the rest of the people on your Zoom call that your coffee is hot...😉

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Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

April Fools.....I'm back...😀

Jesus H Christ 😀

@officialHJesus

3 years

My time on Twitter has come to an end. I just don't have the time anymore. It has been amazing, & I appreciate all of my followers. Take care...😀

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@officialHJesus

3 years

First picture of water on Mars...😉

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@officialHJesus

3 years

Pineapple belongs on pizza...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

Police now have the powers to split up groups. Maybe start with Coldplay?...😀

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@officialHJesus

5 years

I got the donkey and a hut. this guy gets a mansion and a sports car. Seems I got the wrong deal...….😐

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@officialHJesus

4 years

I just saw a scrotum on the sidewalk and wondered if it belonged to you as you seem to be missing yours?...😀

Lindsey Graham

@LindseyGrahamSC

4 years

Speaking with @seanhannity Radio right now about the latest on Iran. LISTEN LIVE:

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@officialHJesus

3 years

Half Scoop speaks...😀

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@officialHJesus

4 years

I control everything Gregg. So I turned off the Wi Fi to all your devices...😀

Gregg Jarrett

@GreggJarrett

4 years

I find it odd, if not curious, that the moment I hit “send” on my column that’s highly critical of Joe Biden my Wi-Fi service disconnected. Inexplicably, it will be out all day. Never happened before. Probably just a coincidence. I drove to the local store and sent the column .

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