my mum booked a psychic for her friend adele's 49th birthday party & during my reading she asked me if i was a costume designer & i said "no" so she left a huge pause & said "...have you ever WORN a costume before?" & i said "yes" & she said "well there you go then"
imagine if everyone was tweeting that robbers were bad and i jumped into their replies, furiously arguing that i’m not a robber. i reckon you’d be like “hmm that guy seems like a robber.”
a group of cool queer teens were staring at me yesterday. i assumed they were fans so i smiled at them in a gracious “you can say hi!!🤭” kind of way. turns out a bird had shit down my entire back.
the liminal space between me offering a hug and a straight man going for a handshake? that suspended nanosecond of uncertainty?? that is where hell exists.
🚨🚨🚨ME & THIS SILLY BITCH ARE GOING LIVE ON INSTA IN ONE HOUR🚨🚨🚨
we’ll answer some qs, we’ll be incredibly cruel to one another, but most importantly we’ll talk about the harrowing state of kristian’s trailer
#OurFlagMeansDeath
i stagger through the streets of london carrying a knife and fork, a napkin tucked into my shirt. i scream into people's open windows "IT'S SO HOT YOU COULD FRY AN EGG ON THIS PAVEMENT!!!"
every viral cooking video has thousands of furious comments like “OK BUT DID YOU WASH THE CELERY?!!!” and it’s like honey unless a dirty celery stalk killed your husband you need to shut the fuck up
having accountants is cool because i voluntarily pay them money to make my life easier and yet every single time they contact me i want to deglove my face & neck with a pumice stone
a twitter glitch is making it appear to some people that i like my own tweets. i want to make it very clear that i would never do something so pathetic unless there was a way of no one knowing <3
dean sat in his back bedroom, fists clenched, absolutely spitting with white hot fury over his union jack mousepad because no one will call his pot noodle a slag
thanks for coming huns!!! the whole live is available to watch on my insta. maybe i'll do more of them?! i love to be publicly rude to my co-workers :)
chicago!!! surprise bitch!!!
@cononeilluk
and i will be at
@c2e2
on august 6th & 7th. come say hi, take a pic (if i look skinny) and listen to us chat shit on the mainstage!
also i’ve never been to chicago please tell me where to drink :)
It’s a pirate’s life for C2E2 🏴☠️ Our Flag Means Death castmates Con O’Neill (Izzy) & Nathan Foad (Lucius) set sail for Chicago Aug 6 & 7. Join these swashbucklers for a panel at the Main Stage on Sun, Aug 7, included with your ticket:
i personally think it's v cool when people are not forcibly imprisoned inside their own bodies. if you have the means pls visit . they will split your donation across 80 different abortion funds throughout the US 💛💚💜
killing a house plant is absolutely humiliating. plants can survive in nuclear wastelands and on the sides of motorways, but i'm an actual human who can operate a computer and make a pasta bake and speak conversational german and still it's "brown leaves"?!?! fuming.
i've been working tirelessly on my newest character 'whole roast chicken who does dark asmr roleplays' if this doesn't go viral i'm deleting my account
relatable viral sketch idea: a friend is sobbing their heart out as they describe an unthinkably traumatic experience but i keep wagging my finger and saying "ah ah ah! en français, s’il vous plaît."
"It's Time, Edward. Send the pirates to ECCC” 🏴☠️⚓ Huzzah! Join us mateys in welcoming Our Flag Means Death castmates Con O’Neill (Izzy), Nathan Foad (Lucius), and Kristian Nairn (Wee John Feeney) to ECCC on Aug 20-21. Meet them in Photo Ops & Autographs:
so the other day i went to a restaurant - all very safe, before anyone asks!! table service only!!!plenty of hand san!!!! i wore a suit of medieval armour!!!!!! the waiters lobbed our food at us from a distance!!!!!!!! I FLOATED ABOVE THE EARTH LIKE A GAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey guys just a reminder that i invented saying “well that’s my exercise done for the year!” after climbing a big flight of stairs. if you’ve ever said that without crediting me then that’s queer erasure and also violence. love you.
just found out that there are millions of people who suffer from a horrifying psychosis that causes them to feel genuine loyalty towards the royal family :( devastating x thoughts and prayers xxx
my boyfriend just turned to me and said, apropos of nothing, “y’know i don’t think i’ve vomited this year” so yah i guess you could say we’re choosing positivity in this house :)