Artist formerly known as Grande. Lindsey’s simp. Wendy’s disabled adult child. Human parody. All sources and opinions from my Mom. Protected witness so FAFO.
@DoctorTurtleboy
:28 secs in, big man tells women offscreen they “ can get the fuck out of here” and that “they don’t even live here.”
Tristin doesn’t even live there.
Stand back tho- he’s a security guard.
I refuse to address the allegations of misconduct which are floating around the X-sphere, except to say they are untrue and will not affect the rollout of Grantland Media.
In fact, I will still be holding auditions for female anchors in Room 2B of the Econo Lodge Monday at 2 pm.
JUST IN;
In a very serious, concerning, development, a blogger who has repeatedly given me wedgies, made fun of my Mom, and outfit shamed me is trying to sit at my lunch table.
I will appeal to my colleagues to object, in unison, as soon as they all unblock me.
IMPORTANT UPDATE
Hey turtlelosers, it's come to my attention that I left my lunchbox on the seat of my car.
ATTENTION
My lunchbox and canteen are both 2FA enabled, which alert me if anyone tries to take my Snack Pack.
Open it and we'll be having lunch together- in DISCOVERY.
Now,
Words can hardly convey how upset I am this morning.
This is bigger than Bill and Monica or Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas or Tailhook.
If I had a sawbuck for every time someone gave me a “lovetap,” I’d still owe Lindsay $200.
The real time moment I learned l was not invited on today’s field trip.
Wendy packed me a lunchables, $5 for D and E, sunscreen,-and now for what?
Fear not, Turtletwits- your fearless towel will be in hot pursuit. No sweat. Hardly the first time I’ve chased a down a school bus.
UPDATE;
Wendy and I have now sent 100's (potentially over 1000- I’m not good with numbers and zeros) of emails, texts, DMs etc. to court staff, the SJC media office and my fellow colleagues in the media. Let’s just that, so far, the response hasn’t been very heartening.
DISTURBING UPDATE;
It now appears that Aidan Kearney has access to multiple streaming subscriptions registered to Lindsey Gaetani. Right now he’s adding ridiculous titles to her watch list and restarting shows so she can’t go back to where she left off.
This is horrifying.
If you know of any other chairs that have been subject to abuse or harassment like this, please encourage them to come forward. I might not be able to tell every individual chair’s story come Monday,but I’d at least like to introduce them into discovery.
This is the first step.
@Lindsey1494141
Four Kids.
Six possible fathers.
But there’s only one man she’s truly obsessed with….
Aidan Kearney is…. “The Intimidator.”
Now Playing Regular Engagements inside Lindsay’s Head.
Rated NC-17.
Stick a fork in Old Grande, I’m done for.
Wendy- I’m going to need bail money. You can pawn the Magic Cards (later volumes) if you have to.
Though I’m likely looking at no-hold bong… I mean bond.
Do you think I’ll have time to keister some chronic before the fuzz arrives?
This is the aftermath of
@GrantSmithEllis
assaulting female reporter
@jessmachadoshow
. I predicted a violent incident would happen if the court didn’t do something to control the press problem outside the court, which is solely created by Grant.
The Court Officer just stopped me and asked me if I’m on drugs. Excuse me? I’m here everyday.
BREAKING NEWS
So I told him, “I’m on a drug and it’s called Grant Smith Ellis.”
WINNING
EMERGENCY BREAKING NEWS
Listen up, ML, AJ, HE et al. I have been hearing about other people going to Dave Matthews Band concerts, taking trips to Cancun and having casual sex for all of my life. Well guess what? It ends tonight.
How many donos would you guys send me if I ran beside Lindsey and screamed questions to her attorney about how he allegedly had an affair with Annie Dookhan and his alleged role in the Chemist Drug Scandal of 2012?
Lally is the Defense’s MVP.
“After his body was removed by the fire department, what did you observe in that general area?”
“Nothin’.”
Stay classy, Canton!
@chloeinvermont
BREAKING NEWS
My wallet’s gone!
DEVELOPING STORY
If any of you filthy turtleriders see my wallet, please bring it to the court clerk.
BACKGROUND
I don’t know what I’m gonna do- all my coupons were in there!!
@DoctorTurtleboy
@jessmachadoshow
@GrantSmithEllis
I hope you are all happy.
I guess you felt the safety of the general public on Mon, Wed, Fri’s from 9-4 and 9-1 on Tue and Thurs just wasn’t as important as getting your rocks off.
I’ll be back. Meantime, I’ll be at Sullivan’s with Tristan.
Come talk shit. We’ll be waiting.
“Don’t worry, babe. If you search for the exact same thing in the exact same window like, 2 or 3 hours later, you’ll be in the clear.” -Matt McCabe, IT expert, Fortune 500 company president, Smartest Guy in Canton 1986.
@jessmachadoshow
@DoctorTurtleboy
Does it smell of Newports that burned right down to the filter and stale sex??
Goddamit- I miss you so effing much, Linds!
Bradl’s “unclean hands” argument is really hitting home with me.
BREAKING NEWS
Any donos for hand sanitizer, liquid soap, bars of soap, steel wool pads…. Towel appreciates you good people.
@MassStatePolice
But I’m in Canton right now!
Who is going to protect me from the McCabes and the Alberts?
Oh shit/ is that Trooper Michael Proctor?!?!
This is mayhem!!!!
I don’t know what happened, but this is the only way we are communicating these days.
I mean you know I get off on discovery and all that but I’m right here.
Waiting on your call, Linds!
BREAKING NEWS
Thanks a lot, animals. Because of your deplorable behavior, which was on full display today, Lindsay’s new lawyer has resigned.
DEVELOPING STORY
We are now reaching out to Atty. Gary Zerola to take up our cause.
I love the smell of Axe body spray and skunk weed in the morning.
That’s right Turtletarts, here at 2:30am, all so I could get served with that summons under the cover of darkness….
I mean, to ensure my commitment to fearless gonzo journalism.
Smells like…. Victory.
BREAKING NEWS
Guess what Melanie- I’m not even worried about getting a law license for myself anymore. I’m just gonna take yours! (That’s how this works, right?)
Day
#2
, Turtle-narcs
I’m already up, already high, already in line.
All you losers are sleeping, but I’m already out here creeping.
Take note if you want to touch greatness someday too
UPDATE
And to whomever posted that picture yesterday? Don’t worry- I got home just fine.
Karen just walked right in without taking her boots off?
This must be the BOMBSHELL we’ve been promised.
Fry the bitch.
Kerry and Jen are the two most sympathetic desperate housewives in true crime history.
BREAKING NEWS; New media order out in the case of
#KarenRead
. Testimony of minor children will not be covered in any way, and the children’s names are not to be used, for the safety of the children.
However, that order could be reversed if my press pass is revoked.
I’m sick of hearing this shit about Bev not doing her job to protect Jurors.
Her first priority to protect the Albert’s, then the McCabes.
Then she can worry about these POS random citizen jurors.
#KarenRead
#Lindsey4EVA
BREAKING NEWS
BOLO issued for GSE aka GRANDE following multiple reported sightings at the BC Women’s Lacrosse game
Reports say the athletes have either been told to remain in the locker room or are simply refusing to come out.
Grande likely heading to jail on a no-bond hold.
BROADCAST HISTORY
Last nite with LG's first ever sit-down, on cam interview without law enforcement, DCF workers, child advocates or fire fighting personnel.
You'll cry to her stories of triumph over addiction, then laugh as she body shames other women and calls them whores!
If you are wondering why the longer than usual delay, right now Jessica Hyde is thrilling spectators in the parking lot behind the registry by eating an entire tub of Cheese Balls.
Remember that one about the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist who ran out of gas on the way to pick up his prize money?
Oh yeah, that never happened!
Why must you keep letting me down like this?
Please dono ASAP so I can still take LG and kids to bargain Tuesday at the movies.
You may spot a reassuring site amidst the Conflagrating crescendo outside Court today....
The suit is back. I played a chess game with the dry cleaner- and of course I won.
They finally told me forget the bill and just get it off the premises before upcoming health inspection.
Seeing a lot of shit talking from these supposed Turtletoughs this morning.
Well if you want to talk shit, and you’re a woman, then come down here and let’s talk about it.
I don’t just look like Andy Kaufman, I fight like him too.
@GlammaSooz
@DoctorTurtleboy
SOURCES SAY
He was kicked out after he failed Chief Rafferty’s Law Enforcement Driver Training Program.
He only managed to hit four out of 10 pedestrians.
Anyone want to snuggle up to a disabled adult towel and make his lonesome ride a little less so?
I’m out here living that van life like a solo Chris Laundrie.
I might just be rolling through your hood, handing out candy to the kids.
BOLO for love, Ladies.
Sad that I have to keep reminding the slower folk, but, alas, I am not a lawyer.
While you can, and should, and will, send me donos, I cannot be hired for legal advice or representation as I’m not a lawyer, but actually a towel.
I’m also not a player, I just crush a lot.
@jessmachadoshow
I’ll have you know this is not just any old van.
Lindy picked it up at an auction for movie-used props.
It was featured in the Bang Bros. productions “Slam Van Vols. 6-8.”
Oh, if those seats could talk.
They’d probably say, “kill me.”
@GrantSmithMommy
I won’t just be saving a seat for you, Mother.
I’ll be saving every goddamn chair in the world.
And aren’t those who control the chairs the ones who really decide when court is in session?
Gonna win, Mom. We’re taking over!
@MafiaMasshole
@Whatifanythingg
What are they giving for odds that KP hit the wrong target again like she did in Fall River?
Lot of O’Neil’s in Southie.
She should prob check with Tristin first. He’s from there.
@MassStatePolice
Do you know where I can find some broads with no Fall River accents and big, fat asses? And no crazy c*nts?
Oh, I’m sorry. That wasn’t very professional. Let’s start over.
Hi, may I please speak with Trooper Proctor?
BREAKING NEWS
Towel would appreciate any donos for the laundromat. Quarters, rolls of quarters…. You may have noticed the lack of diversity in my day-to-day wardrobe. In fact, my coat and pants drove themselves to court today.
Anyone know how I can reach out to Jess Machado to let her know she’s won a trip to Lisbon?
She needs to start packing right away.
It’s imperative that I get in touch with her.
I’ll be heading downtown today, but not to Dedham- where I have been told I will be shot with bean bags if seen on the street.
But I’ll be watching as my spirit bear Brian Higgins returns with more of his complex, non-intuitive and highly successful seduction techniques.
LG4EVA
@joymiz
I would say it’s not so much Anti KR as it Save Colin, Canton’s own little Ferris Bueller.
And I for one am all for it, so long as Colin agrees to apologize to Lindsey when this is all over.
@d5bwhwsrv2
@HWalbrecht37859
Someone messaged me asking if I were Hailey.
BREAKING NEWS
I told them that they had just engaged in a transphobic hate canard against a protected disabled witness and would be arrested imminently.
COMING UP NEXT
My favorite show- Discovery!!
If you think I’ve stopped compiling a list of all the people who are going to need to look Lindsey in the eye and beg for forgiveness from her and her children, then you don’t know Grande.
Ryan- consider yourself on notice, Sir.
It’s the biggest story that my 65million subscribers have seen in the 25 years since I first opened my media empire on X.
A story so big, only one towel is brave enough to report it. So sit back, and allow me to quote myself and repost warrants from arrests that didn’t happen.
“I wish I had” is something of a meme in Canton these days.
Overheard at the Morris-Albert engagement party this weekend:
“Hey, Matt! Did you see they had chicken fingers here earlier?”
“I wish I had.”
Don’t fuck with Tully, AJ.
On weekends, Brian works as a janitor at MIT and solves random equations on chalkboards for shits snd giggles.
You are so out of your element, Sir,
Let me make something very, very clear. Kearney could be subject to arrest in the coming hours.
He just rented “dune two.” Lindsay hasn’t even been exposed to the first “dune.”
Hit about 60 views during peak, but Lindsey explained how this a big win since she easily can turn all those viewers over at a rate of $200 for 15 minutes.
Watch quickly, Youtube has been hit several strike warnings due to users saying the were exposed to STDs from the video.
@GlammaSooz
@HBag321
SOURCES SAY
Ted Daniel’s wife is making him change his clothes in the garage before he comes into the house for the remainder of the trial.
In another surprise move from Aunt Bev, SOURCES SAY Cannone is going to break from tradition and allow Alan Jackson to call Kerri Roberts while Jen McCabe is still on the stand.
Steve Wilkos is being brought in to stand by during what promises to be an explosive confrontation.
Jesus Christ.
You get the feeling this one doesn’t get out much?
Get it all out now.
Unless you want to have dinner with Higgins, it’s going to be another lonely weekend.
This one is rich- gee, didn’t someone once lie to BostonPD about an unarmed Black man? Said they should treat him as if he were armed and dangerous when he wasn’t? Grande must be mad they are stealing his moves.
“Alright Mr DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”
As Towel readies for his national debut, I just want to tell Jess M. it’s going to take a lot more than the local po-po to take this shooting star down once big media outlets give this Fame Monster life.
Stay tuned…
Lally coyly suggesting that Ring footage was deleted by none other than the McAlberts themselves, since they were in possession of John’s phone and Lally already proved that through testimony from the O’Keefe’s niece and nephew that only John had the password to Ring.
Chess.