Mommy Cusses @mommy_cusses Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Mommy Cusses

3 years

Oh, hey! It's Feed A Tweep's Need For Internet Validation By Buying Their Book Day! Put some belly laughs in your Amazon cart 🖤

5

13

48

Last Seen Profiles

@JihyeandKorea

@CoDeeTVS

@Francis98729652

@hoshyluvrr

@DavidRSlack

@T_T0_4

@Maseroddy

@Amquinnyquin

@LavinaSolomon

@GonsoulinN36561

@shlomik_3

@JackermanDev

@ZurichenMexico

@DadGoneDigital

@freakytlc

@DadGoneDigital

@Anasazi5

@agb0_0la

@DadGoneDigital

@dullzUTD

@SEDECTURKEY

@nocodecoder

@oldwimrfc

@DadGoneDigital

@an_ta_ni

@miiisnaiw

@sinclairleeball

@febrilepodcast

@0xIreneDao

@Enets

@T_T_BTS_

@ArtsCJS

@IITPAT

@Lexxiewashere

@TalbertSwan

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

2 years

23 and Me but to find out what percentage of Nick Cannon I am.

56

4K

41K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Me at 11pm: I'm going to eat healthy, exercise, achieve my goals, work on relationships, and chase my dreams. Me when my alarm goes off: Bare minimum it is!

7

555

3K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

I've got 99 meal options but my kid hates every one.

27

494

2K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

23

389

2K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree* Okay, now give that back to mommy and don't touch another one, okay?

12

566

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese

17

592

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

18

672

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don't need a body pillow with my son's face embroidered on it for $400.

19

523

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Found out at my Doctor's appointment that the disturbing voices I've been hearing non stop are called children.

21

468

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

A vagina shaped pinata for my child to destroy on his Bday because historical accuracy is important.

22

576

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

3 years

The shelf life of the random shit I put on the stairs to bring up "the next time I go up" is 2-36 months.

19

72

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

How to clean before company arrives: 1) Light a scented candle. 2) Use that scented candle to set your house on fire.

12

412

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

3 years

I read a meme that said "No one prepares you for the transition from Mama to Mommy to Mom" and I'd like to add the next levels in this cycle which are "bruh" and "my guy."

47

128

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

5 years

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate* Me: It's a - you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT Murderer: Like this? I don't- Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I'll try a different house. You have a good night!

16

281

1K

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

How to summon a mom: *Make a circle with black leggings *Blast some 90s rap *Put a Target bullseye in the center *Start making margaritas

21

318

978

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Parenthood is like an endless game of 52 Card Pickup only the cards are screaming and on fire.

16

366

959

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

I've resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

12

150

950

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

I think it's adorable how they're putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. Like listen to this one - Serving Size: 3 cookies.

7

500

914

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

4: Mommy, where do babies come from? Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...

7

471

910

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

I turn active wear into just wear.

8

384

919

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Who knew being a parent was mostly repeating everything you say with increasing volume and rage.

17

255

856

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Motherhood is putting the same 7 objects away 30 times a day.

8

305

838

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

So funny how "go to sleep" and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to kids.

7

407

809

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

4 years

My son said he made "Tier 100" on Fortnite, so I asked him, "But are you Tier 100 in your schoolwork?" and just like that, my jeans rose 7 inches to cover my bellybutton, and a D.A.R.E. fanny pack appeared on my good hip with an AARP card inside.

16

80

799

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

A parenting rite of passage is getting caught throwing away Happy Meal toys as they sing from their grave bc you didn't turn the sound off.

9

241

795

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Today my son saw a box of his old toys I was donating and he said, "What the shit?" and I was like oh. my. god. so you DO hear me when I talk.

5

180

779

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will, be used against you by your child in a busy public setting.

6

304

700

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death] My kid: Can you hold this?

13

205

696

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

After becoming a mother, I really learned how to live life on the edge. Of the mattress. Co-sleep, I co-sleep.

10

345

681

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

God, creating kids: Give this middle finger a mouth and some legs.

9

225

623

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

2 years

Texted my mom to see if she could deal with my bully but she said that was my job. That it's "called parenting, and also she's 4."

6

52

610

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

90% of parenting is asking, "Did you _?" when you know damned well that they didn't.

17

198

579

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

Bedtime is where repeatedly saying "goodnight" to your kids progresses from a sweet whisper to a death metal roar.

4

253

572

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Clipping your baby's nails and accidentally cutting them LIKE A TOTAL GODDAMNED MONSTER WHO SHOULD GO TO PRISON PROBABLY AND BE ETERNALLY BEATEN BECAUSE YOU'RE A COMPLETE MONSTER is a parenting rite of passage.

30

134

553

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Tonight we're having crisped sweet grains in a cream sauce, garnished with marshmallow. Cereal. We're having cereal for dinner.

9

144

547

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Childless friend: "My kid will NEVER -" Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper] Her: What are you doing!? Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

4

142

547

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

When you stop believing in the Easter bunny, a dollar store dies.

6

180

530

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

My husband said he was tired from oversleeping and it's so neat how he's gonna be on the next episode of 48 Hours.

8

106

529

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Motherhood is like being stoned to death but with questions.

7

177

519

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

3 years

Today I'm giving it my al...most.

0

95

515

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

There are no secrets between me and my child. I mean, there were, but then he told them all to strangers and cashiers.

3

136

510

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

Toys need to be priced according to how long your child will actually play with them.

15

207

491

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

There are Olympians who began intense training regimens at age 5, but sure, son, keep licking the bathtub.

0

230

489

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

The golden age of parenthood begins once you realize you can channel your kid's boundless energy to bring you stuff.

13

163

487

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

In parent hours, 5 pm is like midnight.

4

147

480

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

After drying a load of laundry, allow it to cure on your couch for 1-2 weeks.

5

180

463

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

3 years

Every day at 6pm, like clockwork, I perform my hit single "No One In This Fucking House Ever Listens To Me."

14

54

478

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Sometimes when my kid is acting up, I make him watch nature shows where animals eat their young so he knows what moms are capable of.

4

107

462

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

It's weird how the 5,432nd fact my son told me about some videogame before noon sounded like me pouring vodka into my coffee mug.

10

128

453

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

7

234

451

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

I feel like having a nervous breakdown in front of my kids later. - puts a gingerbread house in my cart

9

129

462

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

My child could be teething or she could be transforming into a werewolf and preparing to ransack a village. I'm really not sure.

11

96

451

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

8

124

449

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Me: [Wearing actual pants] Husband: Where did you go today?

8

109

455

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

5 years

For Mother's Day, I received the most beautiful, thoughtful, hand-crafted sink full of dishes ever.

15

80

446

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Bottle of wine and talk shit? -The Netflix and Chill for mom friends

3

88

442

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

I need you to do this thing that doesn't make sense in a very specific way for no reason at all or I will die. -Kids

3

210

421

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

I didn't plan on murdering anyone today, but then my husband took a nap after only being awake for 3 hours.

5

88

428

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

5 years

If there were beauty YouTubers when I was younger: "Pull hair out of the cap with the hook and bleach. Roll body glitter on your chest. Paint your nails with White Out, and just smear a pound of foundation all over your face. Make sure it doesn't match your skin tone at all."

13

110

412

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn't be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, "EAT YOUR CEREAL!" for example.

6

203

410

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

Let's play a game called How Many Times Will Mommy Repeat Herself Before She Loses Her Shit?

5

198

408

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

A movie with Disney Princesses as moms where they sing about wanting uninterrupted sleep, a shower, and not wanting to be anyone's snack bitch for just one day.

15

90

411

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

My husband got excited because I bent over and apparently my leggings are worn-in and see through now and welcome to foreplay as a parent.

19

68

412

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Do you have any Benadryl flavored ones? -Me, ordering my kid a snow cone.

7

111

398

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

1st kid: No TV until you're 2. 2nd kid: [shoving a screen inside my uterus]

5

101

395

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Apparently you can't just say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys," and leave your kids at the store.

12

133

395

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

If you ever wondered what eating a cookie is like as a mom, imagine a game of red light, green light only with chewing when no one's looking

1

209

387

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

Motherhood is a lot like camping in that you go days without a shower, are uncomfortable, and live off dirty hot dogs and marshmallows.

3

155

381

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

4

141

382

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

*Husband using Ouija board after I've died* Please answer me *arrow moves* "It's on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!"

2

176

385

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

5 years

"Damn, it feels good to be a gangster," I say while starting a load of laundry without even separating the whites, colors, and towels.

19

85

392

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

The way I react to my husband waking me up when I fall asleep on the couch would be the same as if he were to tell me he likes to eat babies

4

167

371

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn* Me: I'm sorry, what was that? Person: I'm *air horn* Me: Again? Person:

6

169

373

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Shaun White won his 3rd gold Olympic medal, and I know how he must feel because I just switched the laundry from the washer to the dryer in the same day-ish.

10

92

370

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

"Mommy, what's Amazon Prime?" "Oh, sweetie, that's what they named Headquarters of Santa's workshops."

2

159

374

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

I hate it when I'm in public and have to cut my food into modest pieces instead of just unhinging my jaw and eating it whole like a cobra.

6

170

350

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

When my son is sick: Omg, baby, what do you need? What can I do for you? When my husband is sick: Omg, you're dying soooo loudly!

5

129

372

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

Sometimes I think I'm a good parent. Until I see a parentier parent parenting all over the place.

9

190

360

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

Not right now, sweetie. Mommy's losing her shit trying to turn this house into a Winter Wonderland.

4

124

346

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Become a parent so you can be sore just from sleeping.

8

113

355

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

I'm at my most super mom while pretending to help my child search the house for a toy I threw away while he was asleep.

7

165

327

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

If your groceries don't sit on the kitchen counter for at least half an hour while you detox from having to people, then you're not me.

7

154

350

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

[Me after 10 minutes at the playground] Omg, we've been here for like a million years.

2

127

346

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

*Friend opening iPad I gave her for her baby shower* Her: But screentime is- Me: -Shh Her: Not until they're 2- Me: *smothering her* Shhhhhh

5

138

347

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

I made food for my son, set it in front of him like he was going to eat it and then we just laughed and laughed.

2

157

342

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

The band name Rage Against the Machine came about when the self-checkout register claimed there was an unexpected item in the baggage area.

5

170

348

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

Me on deathbed: One last thing before I die? Husband: *in tears* Yes? M: Change the toilet paper roll H: *pulls out my breathing tubes*

2

176

337

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

"Can we put these things somewhere else besides the counter?" I'll take, "My husband's last words" for $200, Alex.

7

81

347

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

4 years

It's okay if the holidays aren't magical. It's okay if your house is a wreck. It's okay if most days are pajama days. It's okay if the most you can do these last days of 2020 is give it your "some." Just make it to 2021, okay? We need you.

6

75

348

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

Hubs: I'm getting sick Me: Are you down with the sickness? H: Don't do this again. M: Can you feel that? H: What? M: Aw, shit. A-WA-A-A-AH.

9

167

329

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

I like to go on involuntary scavenger hunts every time I wash the dishes called "find more fucking dishes in every room you enter."

10

86

339

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

Your child's favorite toy is whichever one they just lost.

5

165

334

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Me to my mom as a child: I'll never treat my kids like you treat me! Me to my mom as a mom: How the fuck did you not kill us all?

6

80

341

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

9 years

When I'm old, I'm gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

9

164

327

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

The instructions for installing this carseat don't include the part where you want to strangle yourself with a seatbelt.

6

119

333

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

The recipe for disaster: 1) Have kids

7

98

326

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

6 years

Which Fortnite dance do I have to do to get my kid to stop showing me fucking Fortnite dances?

15

47

310

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

Sorry, can't. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

3

156

302

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

7 years

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone but Lily's mom who decided kazoos were a good idea to hand out.

5

70

315

Mommy Cusses

@mommy_cusses

8 years

*Sarah McLachlan sits beside me* For just 25 cents a day, you can send moms like these what they need most, boxes of wine.

2

140

302