That Mom Tho @mom_tho Twitter profile

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

accidentally used my husbands body wash and now i don’t move out of the way when someone’s walking toward me

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

hello darkness my old friend is it 5 or 10 pm

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

1 year

@HenpeckedHal At 22 no one’s worth that

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

5 years

My dog failed her obedience test, ate the other dogs snacks and cried in the corner. She is me. I am her.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 months

mid life crisis? bro ive been in crisis since 13 ok

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

90% of dog ownership is telling your dog you’re not letting them out because you just let them out and then letting them out

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 months

my 11 year old has become too cool to say he loves us but today we were watching a video of how a young man gave his life saving his mom and without skipping a beat this kid turns to me and says “I’d do that mom, I’d save you” needless to say, my heart exploded

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled. And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

I wear leggings because I no longer wish to know what my pants size is

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

4: mom was i in your tummy? me: yep! 4: who is in there now? me: no one 4: then why is it so big? husband: oh no

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

I left my kids and husband behind without thinking twice for a family emergency for 5 days because hubby is an equal partner but everyone I told was shocked. He sets the example for my kids that men are also responsible for the home and children because of course they should be.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 months

no one prepares you for the devastation of caring for sick parents. one day you’re their child the next they’re relying on you and doctors turn to you when they’re asking questions about them and you just want to scream that you don’t know because you’re just their kid

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

what has four letters sometimes has nine never has five

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 months

it’s all fun and games til the good knee gives out

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

nothing more horrifying as a parent to see a child that has fallen asleep at five pm

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

the fashion industry needs people like me so when four people approve this design i can be in the corner whispering “ᴵᵗ ˡᵒᵒᵏˢ ˡᶦᵏᵉ ʰᵉʳ ᵗᶦᵈᵈʸ ᶦˢ ᵒᵘᵗ”

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

the cdc recommends yelling NOT IT and running away really fast

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

my mom no longer wants a birthday party so i had to cancel her costco cake so my husband suggested we buy a smaller cake to commemorate the loss of the big cake he’s never been so sexy

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

my four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells “bammit!!” and “cheese crisis!!!”

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

after ten years of marriage, two kids, I can still fit into my wedding...shoes 🤣

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

the number of turns i miss because my gps overestimates my ability to comprehend 600 ft

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

great now my kids think they come from billboards in the woods

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

I’ve decided the world is stressful enough I can’t let my my mothers words telling me to cover up and be ashamed of my body hinder me from enjoying my life. So I’m going to strut around my house and this $10 romper and try to have the best day possible.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

“I don’t need a cart” is the biggest lie I ever tell myself walking into a grocery store

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to fold a fitted sheet

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 months

it was a very long time before i realized red lobster wasn’t the upscale dinery my parents led me to believe it was

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

1 year

my daughters stuffed animal was drug tested in the airport security line, so then i had to explain what drugs were to my six year old, and now she thinks they sound cool thanks tsa

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

no one: my 5 year old: i know that guy in blues clues isn’t really talking to me because one time he asked me to do something and i said no and he said thanks

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

I don’t know who needs to hear this but take the meat out of the freezer to thaw for tomorrow

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

15 years ago I was binge drinking and eating pizza at 2 AM and now yogurt raisins give me heartburn

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

people who say sunday funday clearly dont have 4 loads of laundry and bathrooms to clean and jobs to stress about 24 hours in advance

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

my six year old wanted me to pretend to be her mom and i said “i am your mom” and she said “but like, a cool young fun mom” im glad i tore up my body to birth her just to get shredded to pieces like that

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

parenting is having a phone contact list filled with names like “amy-baileysmom”

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

i let my mom borrow my cat after her stroke and now she’s taking selfies and my cousins making memes…i don’t think im getting him back

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

Me: I hate drama Also me when there’s drama:

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

1 year

me: in or out dog: yep me: which one dog: you bet

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

Well the first thing that happened to me at my new job was a woman remarked how hairy my arms were…for which I was bullied in high school. Sigh. So here are my fat hairy arms. I hate them and hide them so here they are I’m releasing my damn insecurities

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

as i clean the toilet and make dinner for my family and go to my job tomorrow and eat the granola bar from the bottom of my purse for lunch i will remind myself that this is the life i wanted when i was crying crumpled on the floor of my apt drunk and single

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

Ignoring the voice in my head telling me I’m too old and chubby and unhip to wear these to the grocery store

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

at the end of the day, todd was just happy to be included

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

I’ve actually lost weight. What the scale says is fraud. These pounds came in after I got in the scale. I had lost so much and these illegal pounds just got placed on there. Don’t believe the number on the scale.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

ice cream trucks that drive around also selling tacos and margaritas and chips and salsa how is this not a thing

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

I have issues

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

I may be overweight but at least I’m also really anxious and insecure

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

nothing prepared me for how much watching my parents become helpless was going to break me

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

1 month

I didn’t have any added sugar today, if I’m not 5 lbs lighter tomorrow I’m going to burn it all down

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 months

I don’t always eat cereal, but when I do it’s no less than 8 serving sizes

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

my four year old just asked me to eat the rest of her fries and i wept for suddenly the pain of childbirth was erased

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

me-pays for netflix, disney plus, hbo max, amazon prime, noggin, hulu my kid-watches youtube

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

cut these jeans into pieces, now these are summer jorts suffocation, no breathing because theyre high waisted and I cant stop eating

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

I’m CJ. My jeans are a size 16. My weight is anywhere from 195-201 lbs. I suffer from pcos and have excess hair and other symptoms. I wake up every day and berate myself for all of the above. I want to be enough and okay with myself. So I’m liberating myself of my insecurities

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 months

Friday nights in your 40s mean discussing what you want to do until 9 pm and then it’s too late so you go to bed and then scroll your phone til 1 am

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

so are my parents weird for loving this rug or am i the one with the psychosis because all i see is the devil clown

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

6: I’m hungry Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now 6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen? Husband: Oh no

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

is my house clean and tidy and laundry folded neatly and meals prepped for the week? no. but am i less stressed and making fun memories with my kids who are playing nicely? also no.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

5 years

Husband: Wow you were at the grocery store for a long time! Was it busy? *reminiscing about the 45 minutes I sat in my car eating newly purchased chocolate pretzels and catching up on Twitter* Me: ...super busy.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

if you’re on the fence about having kids just know my four year old is crying because I made her a toasted peanut butter jelly sandwich instead of peanut butter toast with jelly toast

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

1 year

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

my dad called me fat, my husband said that was nonsense and called me beautiful and ordered me mexican food. i am full, heart and stomach.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

im just a mom asking the stores to make full length shirts again

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

Have kids so you can watch all of your personality flaws manifest in human form

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

i think like all mothers, all earth probably wants on her day is for everyone to clean their shit up and stop leaving all the damn lights on

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

WE ARE CLOSED. NOBODY WANTS TO WORK ANYMORE. WE ALL INVESTED IN DOG COIN. DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET QUARTERS FROM A LABRADOODLE

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

did the heroic thing and left the bag of salad mix at the store today, let it rot in someone else’s fridge for once

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

thoughts and prayers for my husband as our five year old looked him straight in the eyes and told him “your jokes aren’t funny”

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you? Me: 4: Mom??? Me: What the f- 4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him? Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

had a negative reaction when I first tried these on because of my mombod but now I feel kinda cute...so I just might keep them

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

I ate cheesecake two days ago and it upset my stomach terribly. So I’m eating it again. Just to make sure.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

there are two types of people: those who require subtitles to watch anything and those who can’t stand to have them on at all and they marry each other

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

someday im going to blow my kids minds by telling them i would just cruise around in my car for fun, ruining the earth and wasting gas for no reason but to blast some jams and feel alive

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

when a child has a birthday i feel like the mother should be celebrated, so happy stretch mark making saggy boob making crotch tearing anniversary to me

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

one minute you’re 20 and limber and before you know it you’re 37 and cursing yourself for sitting with your leg crossed for too long cuz now it’s numb and you won’t be able to walk for 3 mins

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

I love my kids to death, I would do ANYTHING for them, that being said I fully reserve the right to complain and make fun of them because parenting is hard and i don’t always feel like i know what im doing and sometimes you just have to laugh

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

how long can someone survive on potatoes and anxiety

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

nothing sweeter than the sound of dishes clanging together because someone else is putting them away

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

i do not own a chip clip because i am not a quitter

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

my daughter threw a tantrum because she felt it was too early to be spoken to and it really is a miracle that we create little versions of ourselves

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

i hope my kids forgive me someday for the days i was short with them, and i hope they never know it was because i was barely hanging on

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 months

my 7 year old came home from school and told me she learned online safety including not to click links that people you don’t know send you because you might end up with a fungus

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

5 months

Things I now love in adulthood that I hated as a child -bedtime -showers -cancelled plans -spicy food

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

after brushing out her tangles my daughter exclaimed she was “prettier than a hippo in a dress” and it is hereby my daily mantra

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

I have eaten everything in sight and am covered in acne and my boobs hurt all because my uterus wants to throw a tantrum next week for not receiving a sperm infested egg to cradle

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 months

tonight i am feeling like an awful mom because i set a rule before my kids were even born that they would not sleepover at friends houses and now my seven year old is about to come home crying because she’s the only one leaving the slumber party

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

before i had kids i knew exactly how i would raise them…this morning i bribed them to get out of bed with peanut butter marshmallow sandwiches childless me didn’t have a clue

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

my company has decided to enter anyone who sees an extra five patients a week into a company wide raffle to reward one person across five states with a large bonus, instead of fairly rewarding everyone for doing extra work i resigned today

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

locked myself in the bathroom for two minutes of solace and my 4 year old macgyvered her way in with a hair clip im just too impressed to be upset

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

I vote we cancel self consciousness this summer and just be proud we are still surviving this mess and wear the sleeveless shirts and bathing suits and shorts, yes?

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

4 years

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

3 years

im just a mom sitting on the floor asking the mirror to turn back time, erase the fatigue, melt away the rolls, dye the greys, remove the chin hairs, lift the sagging but most of all, help me find me again

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That Mom Tho

@mom_tho

2 years

if tom brady can’t afford to stay unemployed what hope do we have

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