uncle mom @mayamanion Twitter profile

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

I used the old “I gave birth to you” on my daughter, she said “That was one time”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

My son got a face tat. Go ahead and bottle feed, it doesn’t matter.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

My mom called to tell me that my brother’s wife had a baby and she’s so happy to finally be a grandmother. Side note, I have 3 kids.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

I’d like to thank my kids for not being athletic. It really frees up the weekends.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

My son just got a face tat. Don’t breastfeed, it’s not worth it.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

Having 3 kids is like having the 3 shittiest roommates ever

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

9 months

I shouldn’t have splurged on all those utilities last month.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

The upside to having a kid with a face tat is no one asks me for advice.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

"How many blow jobs over the speed limit was I going Officer?"

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

I don’t like the word, stepmother. I prefer, “sidemom”,

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

Ok all I'm saying about Butt Sex is don't put money in the candy machine, then get surprised when candy comes out

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

My ex-husband asked me if I have a copy of our divorce agreement? I have wallet size, keychains, mug. I got the deluxe package, what do you need?

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

5 years

Just got Botox, now I just look surprised that I’m old.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

When I see a blonde girl crying in the ladies room, I say "It's ok honey, just wave your hand and the towel comes out here"

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

I overheard my 9 yr old son say to his brother "Get out of my room DICK SWEAT!" When I stop laughing, big trouble

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

I would rather have people watch me give birth than parallel park.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

In my son's class they were talking about allergies, my son said "My mom says she's allergic to most other moms" Super

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

I'm hesitant to masturbate, I don't want to get in too deep with this bitch, I think she might be crazy

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

9 months

I would lose weight but I like men not talking to me. I haven’t been told to smile in like 8 years.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

5 years

At my age, sending nudes is more of a threat.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

I can’t wait to hate people in person again.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

The whole "bad boy" thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That's soooo hot

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

My cooking show would be me wasting $120 on groceries and then microwaving pizza rolls.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

My house is plant hospice. I just keep them comfortable for a week until they die.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

When sixty year old ladies get boob jobs, that's like getting a spoiler for your '86 Carola

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

9 months

My house is plant hospice. I just keep them comfortable for a few weeks until they die.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

Rich people say "Summered" we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

Don’t ask me for advice, I live in a Duplex.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

I don’t have any guilty pleasures. I enjoy them all.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

At CVS I put on the counter, yeast infection meds, tampons, M&M's and chips. The clerk pumped a shotgun and said "I don't want no trouble"

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

I asked my son if there are any funny kids in his grade? He said “It’s 2018, no one is allowed to be funny. Someone could laugh and choke”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

When I get my period I don’t take Advil. I like to feel all the not pregnant.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

I only financially support boys who come out of my vagina, not in it

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

My doctor told me I need to get knee surgery but I’m just going to get bangs.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

@this7is7me7now Haha! This actually happened 2 years ago, he’s in college now 😩💔

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

I saw an ad for Labia Reduction Surgery, really? Botox, boob jobs, fat vag? Guess I gotta lay off the fries, they go right to my pussy

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

I feel like retweeting some of these tweets will somehow involve me in a criminal trial someday.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

Today at my home school we covered the class “Fake Bitches on FB and why mommy hates them”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

I can’t believe I endured natural childbirth for a kid who microwaves pop tarts.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

My friend told me she follows Kim Kardashian on Istagram! I said "Whoa, you should whisper that shit, like you have herpes"

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

I told my 8 year old son that Pocketful of Sunshine was his favorite song when he was 5. He said Was I gay when I was five?

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

It should cost $100 to leave a voicemail.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

"How many men have you slept with?" Seriously? I don't know dickhead, what did you have for lunch November 3rd 1997? Exactly

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

I go for guys in cargo shorts. They usually have good credit and a lot of vacation time saved up.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

Ugh, someone in Florida won the $470 million dollar jackpot or whatever that is in jet skis, meth and Mountain Dew.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

When I put makeup on, it’s like painting my house. I’m not trying to sell it, I just don’t want the state to intervene.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

If I told my doctor about 99% of my life choices she would give me a blue sticker for my car and open up a world of parking opportunities

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

5 years

Fuck the gym, find fatter friends.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

8 years

At Comic Con, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

You know the word Cunt really offends me, my mother is a Cunt. Some people are so insensitive

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

Please don’t tell people who work in restaurants that it’s your first time out in a year, we don’t give a fuck.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

My junior high boyfriend just got married. Yeah, that was some promise ring, Mark.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

New from the I Hate My Husband collection

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

1 year

I asked my son if he would take care of me in my old age? He said, “Yeah, what do you need?”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

5 years

My doctor told me I’ve gained 20 lbs in a year. Yeah, I don’t exercise, I eat crap and I drink a lot. So, you think it’s my thyroid?

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

I’m a restaurant manager. A woman came up to me and yelled “YOUR WAITRESS JUST CALLED ME, “LOVE””. I gasped and said “That biiiiitch”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

1 year

When I go to the gynecologist, I throw my bra, panties and clothes all around the room. I’m not going to be the only one uncomfortable.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

Anyone else keep eating just to make sure you can still taste?

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

7 years

I hate the term "Redheaded Stepchild", it doesn't make sense. No one would marry someone with a redheaded kid.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

For Halloween I’m going as a Spice Girl. I’m going as Old Spice.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

7 years

Growing out of clothes was much more fun as a kid.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

5 years

Of course I’m depressed, I’m not an idiot.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

My son’s girlfriend got me edibles for Mother’s Day. Sorry, my new daughter in law got me edibles for Mother’s Day.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

This clip is on TikTok at almost 5 million views!! It’s meeee, Uncle Mom! #Don ’tTellComedy #bodypositive #funnymom

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

Day 397: Bedazzled the smoke alarms.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

It takes one muscle in your face to smile, 784 if you’re a waitress.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

Having kids who aren’t athletic really frees up your weekends.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

“That’s a great picture of you” means “You look nothing like that”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

7 years

When I have more than $500 in my bank account, I think about leaving and starting another life.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

5 years

No guy is worth getting bangs over.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

All my kids and I have COVID. My son said, “This is good, we can’t afford to die separately”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

For Christmas I would like to skip Christmas.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

10 years

I would rather have people watch me give birth than parallel park.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

Young men like older women because we know more about sex. We do but we’re too tired to do it.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

7 years

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you wouldn't know it.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

7 years

"You should have your own reality show" is not a compliment.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

8 months

I can’t believe I endured natural childbirth for a kid who microwaves pop tarts.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

My coworker told me that his wife doesn’t love him anymore. I said “I can’t believe she ever did”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

1 year

Just to be clear, no server has ever told the chef anything you have ever said.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

My neighbor has been blowing the same leaves for 40 minutes. Dude, just get a divorce.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

2 years

Guy at a show says “I hate drunk bitches”. I was like yeah, we’re the worst.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

I’m too old for selfies. I have friends and we order appetizers. You people will just have to take my word for it.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

I don’t care what my ass looks like. That’s somebody else’s problem.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

My grandmother told me she waited until her wedding night to have sex. She said she wished she had waited longer.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

11 years

At school with a group of snobby soccer moms, I waved to my friend. A lady asked "How do you know Pam?" I said "We used to date, in prison"

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

Dude asked me to send a pussy pic, so I sent him his profile pic.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

1 year

I realized I made poor life choices when my coworker asked me to switch shifts with him, so he could go to prom.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

I bet my soulmate is out there somewhere with all my Tupperware lids.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

My son asked me if he has a college fund? Buddy, you don’t have a deodorant fund.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son put his arm around me and said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

5 years

How many murders does Columbo have to solve before he gets a little respect at a crime scene?

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

6 years

Fitness level-Just dislocated my muffin top.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

3 years

I won $500 on a scratch ticket. I’m deactivating my FB account and changing my name so my family can’t find me.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

4 years

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

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uncle mom

@mayamanion

10 years

Of course I have sex on the first date, what if I never see him again?

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