donald boat @laserboat999 Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@ColliverM

donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

nice 400lb squat bro she just let me hit cuz i’m goofy

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@laserboat999

2 years

bitches after two bites of a bagel, 14 disposable vape hits, 64 ounces of cold brew, two stizzy pods worth of THC, 30mg adderall XR: no my IBS is literally SO BAD you dont get it like it runs in the family

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@laserboat999

2 years

*sends you a spotify link* (sexually)

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@laserboat999

2 years

Rich chinese kids operate on different physics. Never show up to class or submit any work, always pass. Drive their AMGs 95 mph in the parking lot, never hit anyone. Eat mcdonalds 3 meals a day, still deathly skinny. Smoke cigarettes in the hallways, nobody stops them. They rule

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@laserboat999

2 years

I just know she could carry dozens of tankards of ale across the tavern floor without spilling a single drop

Lanaism

@LanaismPoland

2 years

Lana Del Rey spotted in Malibu, CA

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@laserboat999

2 years

there is an earth shattering moment in every white boys life when he discovers UNIQLO

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Most music critics fail to consider if the song goes hard in the car or not

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

some of you say things that should never be uttered in public for like 8 likes

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

Awesome how it takes weeks to get used to waking up early and then you can just piss it all away in one night by watching youtube gnome sightings in South America until 3 am

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donald boat

@laserboat999

5 months

Imagine watching your oldest son get his brain devoured from the inside out by cancer and then The Dark Gooner steps in to fill his place

Daily Mail US

@DailyMail

5 months

Hunter Biden spent a staggering $872K on prostitutes, porn and sex club memberships and took $1.6 M from ATMs

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

if you grew up in america you probably almost died in the woods when you were 14 or 15 it’s a universal experience

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

The entire plot of Lord of the Flies happened to me in the bathroom of the Lego Store in Manhattan

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

This was the coolest summer internship you could get back then

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

Back home for the summer tried to pay for my kebab at the pakistani restaurant but the guy said “for free, since you back brother”

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Women tend to have gay best friends because they miss the feeling of having a court eunuch to plot and scheme with

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

(Getting defensive) Clown college has a lot of really fucking cool electives actually

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

In 7th grade I would refuse to eat actual food during lunch and instead would drink 4-6 cartons of chocolate milk, and then shit it all out in a liquid slurry a one hour later. Still have no idea why I did this. Anyway I’m 6’7 now

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 months

told my parents to check out curb your enthusiasm. Backfired

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

America lacks good “hanging out on rooftop” culture

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donald boat

@laserboat999

9 months

Mom just took fall damage

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

College hack: manipulate your emotionally vulnerable and insecure professors by showing up to their office hours and listening to their life story and their problems with administration or pay or whatever. they will give you an A even if you haven't submitted half the course work

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Cops busted me for felony possession of various knickknacks and doohickeys

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Its crazy how some of you guys are prescribed stimulants that would give a Sumerian priest telekinesis and you use it to be in 8 twitter group chats at once

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

the male version of cutting your bangs in a moment of crisis is doing like 22 push-ups in your childhood bedroom

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

In high school there was was a jolly greek guy who owned a deli and used to sell us blunt wraps but would constantly pester us if were getting pussy or not. Anyway one day he said “Watch this” and walked outside and threw a heavy rock at a pigeon, pretty sure it died on the spot

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

remembering my filipino roommate jon from freshman year. he played Apex every night until 6AM and slept with the lights on. ate every meal in the room. once i got him to drink the last sliver out of my bottle and he went from demure physics major to screaming guerilla in 30 mins

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

That was hillarious bro, I can’t wait to tell my strange 58 year old coworker about it

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

I think about the star wars guy with headphones glued on a lot. I bet his deep house playlist goes crazy

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

Imagine getting chunked out by a hand that has pressed play on Brockhampton thousands of times

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

Song has an extended instrumental outro

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

i’m 6’7 and i don’t play basketball and i grew up un the bay area around mostly indian guys and they look at me with pain in their eyes and tell me “why don’t you hoop you fucking waste of oxygen” tears rolling down their face “we could have had brown Steph Curry you bastard”

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Just met someone named “Leaf” i asked them if they were non-binary they were like nah my parents just listen to the Grateful Dead

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

there are only three types of boomer rock comments a.) LOVE FROM ARGENTINA b.) Im 6 but this is osome b.) Love this song… My son henry was killed in a horrific highway accident off 101 on July 9th 1987

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

“not gonna lie bro shorty was irksome” “she was a mild irritant?” “shortys presence was exasperating” “shorty plagued you?” “i found myself vexed”

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Guy at this breakfast place rn is plowing through a tall stack (14?) of pancakes while watching police chase footage compilations on youtube on like 2X speed

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

my moms uncle in india is like 6 foot 6 and only lifts weights that look like these during the day and at night he smokes a shit ton of ganja and then drinks an entire thermos full of buttermilk and then sleeps in until noon and does it all again. he’s unemployed

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Women shoplifting is so hot for no reason

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

This is how you know Turks are not white. This is a classic brown uncle maneuver. see how the Anglo is outraged

Le Chou News

@LeChouNews

2 years

Turkey’s President Chooses His Next Victim

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@laserboat999

5 months

My dad is teaching me life lessons

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Me watching TV: Lmfao i’m so scoobypilled deadass i’m such a fucking scoobycel it’s not even funny bro My 4 year old son ( poised at the brink of second floor window pane): These are perhaps my final moments on earth father

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

the saddest thing about people posting their dad on father’s day is you get to see the decline in american fashion in real time even the dorkiest dads were wearing the freakiest shit in the 90s

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

nice sweatpants bro she let me hit cuz i dress like Frog and Toad

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

Look at his eyes. He knows philosophy and mathematics beyond our current comprehension

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

reading about this italian guy that washed up on an island and lived in an abandoned world war II bunker for like 40 years and then got kicked out. they don’t want you to contemplate on rocks bro…

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

caught my son with ‘Frog’ memes on his laptop and immediately shipped him off to an underground fight club in Brazil. Let’s see how much his ‘frens’ can help him when he faces off against Manuel The Eater in the bowels of Rio

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

every strokes song sounds like the beginning scene of a TV teen movie where the main character is skateboarding to school while eating a piece of toast he grabbed from the kitchen

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

It was pretty wild playing online games with guys from all over the world at like age 13. I would ask them questions like “is your country beautiful?” and they were like “Yes. I play two more round then shelling start again.”

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

(dark souls location text) LATINA TWITTER

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

married men usually have to find something to tinker with to prevent insanity, old guys have an old car to work on, middle age guys love building a home theater or a hi-fi audio system. Now the “goon cave” has arrived and you’re disgusted? this is the turning of the page

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

on the TL: yo can someone help me with my broken toaster… mutuals of many years: (complete silence) 4 follower account named KratomSniffa1488 (sending me the exact schematics of my toaster): let me know if you need any help boss

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Rich people pretending to be country is such a hillarious thing to observe. Pulling up in your Toy Story ass cowboy hat and boots and $86,000 truck to stand in line at Panera bread for some microwaved mac and cheese

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

White boys after two weeks on arrakis

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donald boat

@laserboat999

4 months

I asked my dad’s buddy why he’s so well read and laid back and just chilling all day he told me the SEC banned him from ever working for a publicly traded company again

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

If you watch Family Guy with a notebook and pen and a growth mindset you might be able to unlock a part of yourself that was previously missing

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Asian grandpas instinctively understand streetwear

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

bisexual girl after eating one pastry as her only meal for the last 16 hours: ughhh i feel so bloated.. :[ her 90 pound 6’4 boyfriend (eating his fourth entire Costco food court pizza of the day): I Feel Dat

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donald boat

@laserboat999

5 months

receiving ominous texts from my brother

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

High school teacher: Scientists say 2% of asia carries genghis khan’s DNA Teenager (not understanding what this means): Rizz god 🔥

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

White boys be like yooo that’s my favorite wikipedia article

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

Met someone at school who told me they were writing a screenplay and I asked if I could read it so they showed it to me on their phone and it was a bunch of images on pinterest and I was like okay where’s the script and they said it was just a vibe based thing for now

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

People don’t gulp when theyre in danger like they used to anymore

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donald boat

@laserboat999

10 months

“bro was wistful at the club?” “he was yearning” “in truth?” “straight from the horses mouth, bruh” “He was pining on the floor?” “yes” “In full view of shorty(s)?”

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

6 foot 5 guy built like a giant covered with tattoos explaining the entire DBZ story to his tiny girlfriend at this restaurant

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

the Chinese woman who works at the gas station near me house told me “You very strange” unprompted today

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Many youths relate to Spongebob’s whimsy, but I myself was drawn to Mr. Krabs ruthless business acumen

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

I love wired headphones… Yes… connect me to The Machine

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Nice moral compass bro she let me hit cuz i’m nefarious and constantly plotting and scheming

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

I like having an immigrant dad because I can play him songs like Goodbye Yellow Brick Road for the first time and he’ll be like “This song has power…”

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

Ye Streams

@kanyestreams1

1 year

Ye & Bianca in LA

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

the beatles were such a success because they combined the 4 white boy elements (crazy ass white boy, soulful ass white boy, sensitive ass white boy, and chilled out white boy)

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

college aged Barron Trump in New Orleans alleyway: Yooo this function boutta be finning of lit!! Who got the drankeezy? Y’all turnt or what? Bosnian hitman sent by the DNC hiding in a bush nearby: The child speak in tounges

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

if you observe him closely you’ll see he has figured out The Secret Behind All Things and that his reaction is just to be fat as shit and eat mangos all day

Pocket

@islandthembo

1 year

just big and greedy

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Every Twitter journalist bio: Ummm. I write stuff. Uhhh, i write words. Words. And Umm, stuff like that. Yeah. Every ex-intelligence officer bio: CIA 1967-1973 SPECIAL CHILD ABDUCTION OPERATIONS CAMBODIA LOVE DODGERS MY KIDS ALSO GRANDKIDS AND TWO DOGS LASSIE AND SALLY

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donald boat

@laserboat999

7 months

theres this guy in my neighborhood that greets me with “sup legend” every time I see him. we have never had a single conversation outside out of that but I would walk into machine gun fire for him

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

The filipino dad sitting next to me when i was watching Avatar turned to me solemnly and said “they are clearly filipino”

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

Saying this to strangers at the club 40 times in one night

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

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donald boat

@laserboat999

11 months

When i was 10ish on vacation I woke up at like 7 in the morning and my parents were still sleeping so I went downstairs and ordered chicken tenders at the café and the clerk smirked at me and said “breakfast of champions” and his manager said “Shut the fuck up daniel”

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Which Jedi Council Member Was Packing Tha Most Meat ⁉️⁉️⁉️

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

The Halo split-screen played in this household has the same intensity of a clandestine military operation or a gladiator melee in the Coliseum

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

I can say with confidence that I am not autistic but when I was 11 I would point a speaker against my bedroom wall and then go in an adjacent room and listen in with my ear pressed up against the wall for hours because i thought it added cool textures to the music

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Bro is destitute 😂😂😂 Bros coin purse is mad light 😭😭😭

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donald boat

@laserboat999

3 years

bi girl entering my disgusting room for the first time: omg… love it… it’s SO serving cluttercore babe…. me (been smoking opium for 23 hours, delivering prophecies): A rotting stallion stands at the gate of your nation. Earthquakes will ravage the New World for its crimes

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 months

Just saw someone wearing a shirt that says “London, Paris, and New York.” I love that. Those are some of the biggest cities out there

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

I’m being sent home early from the field trip for having prophetic visions

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

We’re not letting you drink again bro not after the last time when you turned into an impish trickster

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Girls podcast: Why You Should Act Differently Gays podcast: Slutty Little Thotcast Guys podcast: Foreskin Jihadi War Room 6969

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

my haters dont wanna see me with large quantities of livestock

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

A real life indicator of your charisma stat is how easily you can score drugs in any given random place in the world

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Interviewer: So, Slavoj, what do you think about the situation in Ukraine? Zizek: (Cough) You know, this is good. I like this. Let me tell you fun and simple anecdote. (schniff) In Slovenia we had little game where we would drown the smallest child

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

Forcibly removed from the frat house for receiving visions and dispensing prophecies

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donald boat

@laserboat999

6 months

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@laserboat999

2 years

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

Ive seen the finest minds of my generation lose large quantities of brain matter to weed cartridges of dubious origin

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donald boat

@laserboat999

3 years

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

I realized China would suprass us at age 13 when i saw dozen chinese international students and their IG model looking girlfriends (they all had plastic surgery done) walk into a Berkeley mcdonalds, order 250 nuggets, dump them in a pile on the table and eat it ALL communal style

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donald boat

@laserboat999

2 years

The espresso machine is grinding, moaning, pulsing, squirting and squelching for me.

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donald boat

@laserboat999

1 year

When that one forlorn homie pulls up to the function 😐

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