brian kiley @kileynoodles Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

My daughter is looking for a summer job. She’s a millennial so she’s hoping to find part-time work as a CEO.

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2 years

When my son was a baby, his baby monitor was on the same frequency as CB radios. We thought his first words, “I’m going to stop up ahead for a smoke and a piss.”

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@kileynoodles

5 years

I once saw a little kid who didn’t have a cough. True story.

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@kileynoodles

8 years

The Chinese alphabet has more than 3,000 characters. 6 more than Game of Thrones.

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@kileynoodles

2 years

My aunt worked at a Haunted House for 20 years until she died. Then she worked there another 20 years after that.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

9 years

Am I the only one who watches women boxing and pretends they're fighting over me?

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@kileynoodles

9 years

Why are bald guys in TV and movies always evil? Voldemort, Nosferatu, Dr. Phil…

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@kileynoodles

6 years

Last Sunday, I knocked on the door of my childhood home and said, “I used to live here, can I look around?” Reluctantly, my parents said, “yes.”

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@kileynoodles

10 years

My Dad would come home from work and no matter how tired he was he’d take me to the park and hit balls to me for an hour. He loved golf.

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@kileynoodles

4 years

I’ll never forget what my grandfather said to me on his death bed. He said, “Why did I buy a death bed?” #teamcoco #flappers #lightsout

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1 month

When my dad died, a lot of comedians came to the funeral to offer their support and ask how they could get on Conan.

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@kileynoodles

2 years

My aunt has worked at the DMV for 40 years. In that time, she has waited on nearly 7 customers.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

1 year

Apparently you’re not supposed to say “homeless person”, you’re supposed to say “art history major.”

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

The first athlete to “take a knee” was Tonya Harding.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

I’d rather go to someone’s funeral than someone’s wedding. Because at least I know I won’t have to do this again in 5 years.

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@kileynoodles

5 years

We went to a Basque restaurant so I had to ask the waitress for separatist checks.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

3 years

The pandemic has reached the point where I’m getting on my own nerves.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

Is it normal to set aside 4 hours a day for “regret”?

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

7 years

A guy jumped in my car thinking I was his Uber driver. I didn't want to embarrass him so I drove him to LAX and talked about my indie band.

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@kileynoodles

11 years

Fun fact: the African nation Ivory Coast is the only country named for two brands of soap.

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@kileynoodles

2 years

Laurie Kilmartin is the bravest and most relevant comic working today. She deserves her own special. #hbo #netflix

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

9 months

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

8 years

I’m closing in on 1,500 Facebook friends, 7000 Twitter followers and 4 people I actually speak to in real life.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

8 years

Am I the only one who thought “The Man in the High Castle” starred Harold and Kumar?

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@kileynoodles

2 years

Whenever I meet a newborn baby, I always whisper in their ear, “Lower your expectations.”

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

I hate getting a nightmare as an adult. Every time it happens, I have to drive across town and get into bed with my parents.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

There are no masks here in Ohio. It’s so convenient, you can just run in to any store and pick up Covid.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

I can’t believe how expensive gas is. Bank robbers who use a getaway car are now just breaking even.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

At his high school, my nephew is the President of the Russian Club. It may not seem like a big deal but the President of the Russian Club gets to choose the Student Body President.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

10 years

Halfway through my session this morning my therapist said to me, “By the way, this is a podcast.”

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

7 years

It’s January 9th and I’m still writing “Oh, my God, we’re all going to die” on my checks.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

5 years

I’ve noticed that after a while, people start to look like their pets which is why I’m thinking of getting a very handsome dog.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

9 months

Our local pub had a “50’s Night” where we all got together and accused each other of being communists

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

First they came for the mimes, and I also said nothing.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

I flew out of the Bob Hope Airport. I think all airports should be named for comedians. They lost my luggage at the Carrot Top Airport so they gave me a suitcase filled with props.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

My Dad believes in product placement and so do I because the Snapple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

8 years

My uncle was like the "Al Capone of his neighborhood." He wasn't a mobster but he had syphilis and didn't pay his taxes.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

I accidentally learned one of my neighbor’s names.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

3 years

Los Angeles is a strange place. In my neighborhood, there are two erotic bakeries and one erotic cemetery.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

3 years

Is it gauche to call in sick your last day? #teamcoco

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

12 years

I suspect that deep down Lake Superior is just very insecure.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

10 years

I just talked to somebody for 10 minutes and we weren’t doing a podcast. True story.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

I met my wife on jury duty. Luckily for me, she was acquitted.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

9 years

Marrying my wife was the best decision I ever made. Coincidentally, it was also the last decision I ever made.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

10 years

I usually don't get the shakes until AFTER St. Patrick's Day.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

The key to packing light is forgetting a bunch of things you need.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

7 years

My writing teacher told me she thinks I could be the next J.D. Salinger. She's encouraging me to stay out of the public eye for 50 years.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

9 years

My wife thinks I'd do anything to avoid confrontation. I almost said something.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

I can’t believe how commercialized Black Friday has become.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

7 years

People are comparing Trump's Russian scandal to Watergate. I think it should be called "Right-Out-of-the-Gate."

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

It was hard to have a good self-esteem in my house. Even our Great Dane only thought of himself as a Pretty Good Dane.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

While boarding the plane last week, this old guy came up to me and asked if I would switch seats with his wife. Because it was a long flight, and he didn’t want to sit next to her.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

5 years

I do something called “Interval Training” where I run as fast as I can for 3 minutes then I rest for 6 years.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

I often worry that my insecurities aren't as good as everybody else's insecurities.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

3 years

My doctor is a big Hitchcock fan, so whenever he films my colonoscopy, he gives himself a small cameo.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

8 years

A lot of drummers die young. Most of them are killed by their neighbors.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

3 years

My brother went to Boston State which no longers exists. It’s got to be tough when your college drops out of college.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

I've just been named Ambassador to Shithole!

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

7 years

I saw a guy today who wasn't on his phone. True story.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

The movie I saw last night was so bad they didn’t even have credits, they had “blames.”

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 months

The older I get, the more I realize it’s all about family. Undoing the damage caused by your family.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

I’ve always been overly empathetic. I remember caring when Jimmy cracked corn.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

When the CIA wants to torture someone, they blast the same music at them over and over and over. It’s a technique they learned from ice cream trucks.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

I’m looking forward to the day America celebrates its independence from Russia.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 months

Sometimes after I have a bad show, I cheer myself up by remembering an even worse show.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

My brother Dan is married to a Starbucks barista. At some point, he’s going to have to tell her his name isn’t Dale.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

My wife watches so much true crime, I feel like she’s disappointed that I haven’t tried to murder her.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

11 years

My grandfather passed away today after a lengthy battle with my grandmother's pillow.

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@kileynoodles

10 years

I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

My son has always been “woke”. When he was little, he was afraid of the Boogeyman AND the Boogeywoman.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

I don’t care what other people think. Thoughts?

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

11 months

I have trouble sleeping and I thought I might have sleep apnea. Nope, I have something called “regrets.”

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

7 years

Congress has received a petition to research obsessive-compulsive disorder. All 2 million signatures are from the same guy,

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

5 years

When I die, I want bagpipes at my funeral because I want to make sure people really are bummed out.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

7 years

Just spent a half an hour teaching my wife what mansplaining is.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

Today the woman who works at Starbucks told me she's also a psychic. Apparently she's not a medium, she's a grande.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

You can tell I've been in show business for a while. My alarm clock has a schmooze button.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

6 years

My daughter has a fake ID. She doesn’t even drink. She just doesn’t want people to know I’m her Dad.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

3 years

one year for my birthday, my co-worker Ryan Clark gave me a plaque of Larry King jokes I wrote for Conan.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

7 years

My Dad came within 3 votes of being elected mayor of our town. I bet he wishes he'd been a little nicer to my Mom, my brother and me.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

My daughter got a job at a talent agency. I think she’s going to do well, she already stopped returning my calls.

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

1 year

My sister has been vegan her whole life. In kindergarten, she refused to draw an outline of a turkey with her hand. Instead, she made a fist and drew a yam. #Vegan

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brian kiley

@kileynoodles

2 years

Kevin Rooney A List 1993 Standup Comedy via @YouTube . I’m devastated to lose my pal and mentor Kevin Rooney. Once we poked our heads through a Hefty trash bag and went on as “The Two-Headed Baldman”.