karanbir singh 🫶 @karanbirtinna Twitter profile

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karanbir singh 🫶

3 years

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

(Indian wedding) White friend: OMG that's so spicy! Me: First of all, it's a glass of water.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

1 year

@ShePhoShana There's a thin line between bravery and stupidity. This guy was stupid. Hippos are the biggest killers of Africa. It could easily have bitten him into two with one chomp of its jaws.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

My wife just said "I'm fine" and "Do whatever you want" in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y'all know the reason.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

I have some bad news for some of you. Sikhs don't owe you an explanation. We have survived over five hundred years without your validation. We will survive another five thousand. Don't like Langar? Don't eat at one. Don't like Sikhs? Move to Nepal. This is our country.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

6 years

I think it's fucked up that even today, in the year 2018, we still have such horrible inhumane practices like waking up early and going to work.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

So when a billionaire couple gets divorced, who gets custody of the senators?

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

1 month

And to my great grandchildren, I leave my box of assorted cables

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

You guys, it's my daughter's fourth birthday and we are stuck in a lockdown. There are gonna be no gifts and no grand celebration. Can I ask you to say "Happy birthday" to her so that when she's older, I can show her that so many people from across the world celebrated with her?

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

2 years

Sorry I missed your call. I was watching it ring till it stopped.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

16 days

Sorry I'm late. I had to scroll to my birth year on an app.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

7 months

@KanganaTeam Sikhs don't need a certificate of patriotism from the RSS which refused to hoist the Indian tricolour at their headquarters for 52 years. This is our country. If you don't like us, leave.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

7 years

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

My wife heard a noise downstairs and woke me up to go check it out. Because apparently my life doesn't matter.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Doctor: I have some bad news. Your wife is in a coma. Me: Oh no. *puts drink on table without a coaster* Wife: *opens one eye*

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken. I've been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that's not enough to fully know a person I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching "twilight" on Netflix

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

6 years

My favourite Stephen King book is the one where strange things happen in a creepy New England town.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

7 months

No, I'll explain the reason. The reason is that you need Sikhs not just for Saving your women from Abdali Fighting against tyranny of Mughals Bringing back the gates of Somnath Mandir from Afghanistan Giving the maximum no of lives in the freedom struggle Sacrificing the most…

Reema Chak

@reema_chak

7 months

@karanbirtinna @georginad9 @AvivaKlompas There is a reason … you are called SANTA BANTA

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

@maleeezy_ Man... jokes aside...take this virus seriously. It's not a political issue. The Covid doesn't give a fuck about your politics. Wear a mask. I'm lowkey shocked that this has to be said. What are you? An infant? Grow up! Wear a mask! People are dying!

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

lol @ people who claim they "win at Twitter". This is Twitter. There are no winners here. We are all losers!

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

2 months

Title of Khalistani

Sonika

@PandaGallery_

2 months

India main free main kya milta hain ?

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

Dear Bollywood, I am a Punjabi and I have not said "Balle Balle" out loud even once in my life.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Happy New year Twitter family ❤

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Why to chose a chubby guy over a six pack guy •We are better for cuddling. •We eat pizzas and tacos and you won't find kale in our fridge •Less likely to cheat on you •Less vain, won't take attention away from you •We won't talk about crossfit or gym •Please ???

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

1 year

I was laid off from Twitter today with no notice. I was the lead software engineer responsible for the feature where you're reading a tweet and the screen automatically refreshes and you never see that tweet ever again. Wish me luck.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

@realDonaldTrump As an Indian I can assure you, the hardest thing in the world is to take money away from an Indian. Try it.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

We will keep doing what we've always been doing. Serving the needy, protecting the weak. Wearing and using weapons to protect the oppressed. Your Zee news and Sudarshan TV won't change us. Aurangzeb wasn't able to. So what are you?

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

I found this new app that lets me know which of my friends and relatives are racist. It's called Facebook.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

One advantage of this whole protest is that atleast the pretence is over. Atleast your bigotry is at full display. We don't crave your indulgence. Think what you want. If our gurus' sacrifices cannot sway you we can't. Roll on tje feces of your hatred. Enjoy yourself.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

2 years

Just saw a moment. I'm in old city part of Ludhiana, flying kites and having a great time listening to music. Just now, the mosque started azaan. And every DJ in the area stopped music in respect. Sikhs and Hindus alike. And the music started again after it ended. This is Punjab.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

I'm done with these bigots. Filled with hatred. Egged on by media. Only the years and the government at the centre changed. The mentality is still the same. Keep crying. Keep saying crap about us. We no longer care. You want to change us to outsiders. We will still remain Indians

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Lol my wife just told me that she's gonna take my cell phone away if I don't help her clear the dinner table. She should know that I'm the one who wears the pants in thi This is Karanbir's wife. He'll back after he clears the table.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

It's almost 2020 and we still haven't made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Pro tip: When a woman says "WHAT did you just say", do NOT say what you just said.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

My high school reunion is in 2 days so I've got 48 hours to become a billionaire, write a book, get 3 inches taller and lose 20 pounds.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

24 days

I'm over 40 and just accidentally sat in a bean bag chair. It was nice having known you all. Goodbye.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Someone on Indian Twitter accused me of acting "white" and it upset me so much I couldn't finish drinking my Grande, Iced, Sugar-Free, Vanilla Latte With Soy Milk.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Times a woman is the happiest, ranked: 5. Losing weight 4. Ex gets fat 3. Winning the lottery 2. Becoming a mother 1. Dress has pockets

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

Before getting married, you should try getting a tattoo. This will teach you how to live with something that's permanent, painful and costs a fortune to remove.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

6 years

I am a husband. I have learned to stay silent in 8 languages.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Before Twitter I had to shout all this nonsense out of my window at passers by.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: I've got 21K followers on Twitter. Doctor: A simple "No" would have been sufficient.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Funny how practically every religion basically says "Dont be a dick"; but ultra religious people are like "lol no".

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Dear men, Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship. Buy flowers for her for no reason. Bring her breakfast in bed. Throw a snake at her face while she's driving.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Happy 4th of July, my American friends. Remember today is not about being republicans or democrats. It's not just about fireworks and barbeques. It's about remembering the courage and valour of Will Smith who fought the aliens and saved the earth on this day in 1996.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Every guy named Tristan is actually just three guys named Stan standing on top of each other wearing a trench coat.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

6 months

@ShitpostGate

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

To those who are asking, her name is Gurinayat Kaur. She's the light of my life.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

1 month

Maybe we ought to stop asking people if they "believe" in climate change and start asking them if they "understand" climate change.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

My wife messaged me from the shopping mall to ask if I think that she looks fat. I was typing "Noooo" and autocorrect changed it to "Moooo". So long story short, I can I come over and stay at your place for awhile?

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

@angel28kc And here you have it folks. The dumbest shit you'll read today. From the proud makers of "pray away the gay", "vaccines cause autism" and "masturbation can cause blindness".

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

I accidentally said "big" instead of "grande" while ordering coffee at Starbucks and they took me behind the store and shot me in the leg.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Some racist asshole just said that all Indians work in call centres. I was going to confront him about it but he was a Chinese guy so he probably was a ninja and I didn't want to die.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

@arkhmet @realDonaldTrump He's gonna walk into the meeting all dressed up in his suit and signature red tie like "I'll get those Indians. I'll get the best trade deal ever!" And walk out without any pants thinking about what the Hell happened in there 😂

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

6 years

I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Dear diary, Day 1 (8 AM) For my own safety, I've decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months. Day 1 (10 AM) I've run out of food.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Due to Coronavirus it's been 15 years since I went jogging.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

6 years

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Sorry kids, dad would have really loved to send you to college but mom got hungry at the airport and bought a sandwich.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

1 month

Literally the worst urinal I've ever used. Piss flew everywhere! Would not recommend!

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Doctor: What are you using for birth control? Me: My personality.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

I accidentally called Alexa "Siri" and now she won't talk to me.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

My retirement plan is to get bitten by a radioactive rich person.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Confession time. For the last four days, I've been battling major health issues. Doctors can't figure out what it is yet. That's why the number of tweets have gone down. I feel exhausted and tired to the point of death. Might get tested for Covid tomorrow. Pray for me.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Guys, If a girl invites you upstairs for coffee, never go! Chances are that she's just using you for sex and there's not gonna be any coffee. Stay woke!

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

To those who say that "white privilege" is a myth, Goldilocks broke into someone's house and ate their breakfast and somehow she's the heroine of the story.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

7 years

To the bastard who stole 200 cans of redbull from my house, How do you sleep at night ?

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

I dont understand why some people are against masks. I've mouthed "Fuck you" to eight people to their faces today and they didn't notice.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 months

@TateNews_ What about vaccinated men?

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

7 years

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

This election has lasted longer than Britney Spears' first marriage.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

6 years

(First date) Her: I really like astrology. Me:(Trying to impress) I’m a fucking idiot too!

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

2 months

@MrSinha_ Yeah... medical emergency. That's why she was smiling and waving both middle fingers at the beginning of the video. Source... trust me vro

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Hey how come women can compliment my mustache but when I compliment theirs, they get offended. Is it because I'm brown?

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Zoo security guy: We know you've stolen a parrot. Hand it over. Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I'm brown?? From inside my jacket: Is it because I'm brown??

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

21 days

Breaking news: Sun shot dead by cops in America after it turns black.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

I'm developing a dating app for trees. Timber.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

After seeing Kangana's latest antics on Twitter, we just had to conduct a surgical operation to see if there's a brain in her head. We were shocked to find what's in there!

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

I asked my wife if she's angry with me and she said "I'm fine" but I'm not so sure about that. I think I'll tell her to "calm down" and see what ha

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

My little reindeer ❤️

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

If you think your life is a shambles, please remember that There are actual adults out here arguing about the racial ethnicity of a fish.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Dear American ladies, I really hope you're following me because of my humour and not being nice to me to use me to get Indian citizenship.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

You're not worthless. Your kidney is worth atleast three grand in the black market.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Remember when you were younger and you woke up and nothing hurt? Good times.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

To the young couples thinking about having unprotected sex tonight, My 3yo insists on watching the same kids show on YouTube a million times a day. In Spanish.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

I'm so commited to my wife that I intentionally gained weight and became too lazy to take care of my appearance so that no girls would ever get attracted to me. Get on my level guys!

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

1 year

Americans will use anything but metric system.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

2 years

I come from an India where a comedian is held to higher standards of accountability than the elected prime minister of a democracy.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

(First date) Her: I'm a Catholic. Me: (trying to impress her) I'm addicted to cats too.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

3 years

Not to brag but Indians didn't need an Oprah interview to know that the British royalty are racists.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

My 2yo daughter says jokes that only she can understand and then laughs uproriously at them. She's ready for Twitter.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don't think any of them are good enough.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

5 years

Me: Oh no I forgot my passport at home. Immigration officer: Can't let you in unless we make sure you're really an Indian. Me: *shows him DMs I sent to random white ladies asking for bobs and vegene pics* Immigration officer: My apologies sir. Welcome.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

2 months

Starting a dating app for shy guys and naming it Mumble.

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING AND NOW I CAN'T STOP YELLING

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karanbir singh 🫶

@karanbirtinna

4 years

Anti aging creams having expiration dates is why I have trust issues.

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