Jimmy Failla @jimmyfailla Twitter profile

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Elon Musk is buying Twitter and everyone freaking out drives a Tesla. There’s never been a dumber time to be alive.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Don’t bag on Zelensky for showing up to the White House in a sweatshirt. Apparently a member of the Biden administration stole his luggage.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

With the Stock Market down 800 points out of the gate it would really help political unity if Nancy Pelosi told us which stocks she’s buying on the dip.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Failing to pick a leader in 2 days is not embarrassing. Spiking inflation to a 40 year high is embarrassing. Opening the border is embarrassing. Fleeing Afghanistan is embarrassing. Forcing (non-working) vaccines on people is embarrassing. Take your time, GOP. Take your time.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Every time I tweet a criticism of Biden at least 20 people respond with “Trump lost, get over it.” Yo, inflation is at a 40 year high, we have an all time high in fentanyl deaths from the open border. Gas is unaffordable and we’re out of baby food. Trump didn’t lose. America did.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Please stop telling us about these celebrities leaving Twitter because of @elonmusk - you’re gonna crash Google from everyone looking up who they are.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Stop saying that if Trump were President he’d shoot down the balloon. Dude if Trump was President they wouldn’t have flown it here in the first place.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

I could be wrong but if you have 12 hours to protest outside the court you probably have 2 minutes to buy a condom.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

I'm not actually worried about the cost of college because my son is 6 foot 5 so he's gonna get a women's basketball scholarship.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

White House sources say Joe Biden is furious The Eagles booed his wife and plans to call Don Henley personally.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

NOBODY has whined more and contributed less, than Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Dude - inflation goes up AGAIN, we’re out of baby formula, the border is completely overrun, and nobody can afford gas. Seriously, let’s all make a pact that we NEVER order a President through the Mail again.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Kamala Harris’ speech writer is leaving after 4 months on the gig. Apparently she’s gotta get going to where she’s gotta go because it’s time to keep doing what she’s been doing and that time is everyday.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

TOUGH day to be a liberal on Twitter: You want the social justice points for supporting Chinese protesters. But they're fighting the SAME authoritarian restrictions you've pushed for years. Probably best to play it safe, log off, and take your kid to a drag show instead.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

We’re all gonna feel dumb when we find out AOC did get handcuffed by the same invisible guy Biden keeps shaking hands with.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

I was audited in 2009 when I was a NYC cab driver making $20K a year. The agent said they didn’t believe me, my wife, and our newborn could survive on such low income and insisted we must’ve been hiding another $5 grand. But tell me again how they’re only gonna target the rich.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Sad to hear Joe Biden has covid. But on the plus side this is the first positive result of his Presidency.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Jim Carrey just announced he’s leaving Twitter. It’s only fair since he left comedy 20 years ago.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Getting fired because Twitter changed ownership is not half as bad as getting fired because Twitter helped the Government push a vaccine mandate that didn’t stop ANYONE from getting Covid.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Apple’s Pregnant Man Emoji is officially available today in every skin color. This way people of all races can show the world they failed biology.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

7 months

“Just get Trump out of office and things will calm down,” said the party that opened the border, doubled inflation, arrested their political opponents, and bungled foreign policy to the brink of WW III. I’m starting to feel lied to.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong says he’s renouncing citizenship and moving to the UK over the repeal of Roe V Wade. Someone should probably tell him Europe has much stricter abortion limits than the U.S. does. Actually, on second thought …

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Anyone who wants to ban the word pedophile because it's unfair to pedophiles is probably a pedophile.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

As an American, the most shocking thing about the French election is that they counted all the votes in one day.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

3 years

The only way I’m NOT BBQing with friends and family on the 4th of July is if we get in a fight at our Memorial Day BBQ.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Every flight in America is grounded by a computer failure but don't worry. Our Transportation Secretary will post a selfie of him breastfeeding any second now.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

4 years

So if you’re keeping score at home, Trump was asked about Q Anon. Biden was NOT asked about his son’s dealings in Ukraine. No one has undermined the integrity of the press more than the press.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

For the BILLIONTH time: nobody on the right thinks Jan 6 was okay. We just don’t agree w/ the left’s ridiculous claim that there was an attempt to overthrow the most powerful government on earth led by a guy in a Chewbacca bikini.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

I hate Fetterman’s policies but I’m proud of Oprah for endorsing him. Like her, I too have struggled with weight my whole life and I can tell you firsthand it’s not always easy choosing the vegetable.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Biden tells 60 minutes we’ve never had a President like Trump who made personal attacks on the other side. He’s gonna FLIP when he hears about the guy who called half the country fascists.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Dudes. We don't need an investigation into TWITTER. We need an investigation into BIDEN.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Joe Biden has sent a powerful message to our enemies that the United States WON’T HESITATE to shoot down enemy spy vessels once they finish recording our entire country. 🤦‍♂️

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Speaking as an American, the most shocking thing about Italy’s Election is that they counted all the votes in one day.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

10 months

I just wanna thank Michelle Obama for having the courage to to tweet from one of her three mansions that black people can’t get ahead in this day and age. 🤡

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

The people of Martha’s Vineyard spent 4 years telling us Trump was racist towards Mexicans and then 50 of them showed and now they’re all chanting “Build A Wall.”

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

If we’re being honest, the big winner in New York’s Governor race was UHAUL.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Don’t you hate when you and a guy you’re totally not hooking up with strip down to your undies and swing hammers at each other but then some other guy in the house that you’re totally not hooking up with lets the cops in at 2am and everything goes sideways? That’s the WORST.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

AOC just apologized for not having her pronouns in her Bio and said she’s adding them now. Apparently they’re “DIP” and “SHIT.”

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

3 years

“Vaccinate your kids and it’s over!” say the people who told you to stay home for 15 days and it’s over, wear a mask and it’s over, get vaccinated and it’s over, etc

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Meghan Markle should do a True Crime Podcast about how she stole Prince Harry's Balls.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Stop letting people tell you we’re a divided society. The truth is whether you’re black, white, gay, straight, or trans, we all want one thing: for Meghan Markle to shut the f**k up.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

The Las Vegas Raiders just lost by 5 but luckily they play in Clark County so they have another week to get their outstanding points in.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Elon Musk just said he would reinstate Trump’s account. Dems asking for privacy during this difficult time.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

I’m pretty sure the real reason the left hates Elon so much is because his polls get all the votes counted in one day.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

I could honestly give a HIGH FLYING F**K what you think of Donald Trump but ya gotta admit it’s kinda hilarious the dude from Celebrity Apprentice somehow became President and did a MUCH better job than the current guy who’s been in Washington SINCE WASHINGTON.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Joy Behar says she’s going on a sex strike. And here I was thinking she wanted to punish men.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

3 years

Good call by Southwest to cancel flights out of Columbus, Ohio due to weather. As someone who just flew outta there I would never want anyone to suffer through the same 70 degree temperature with zero wind or rain that we faced. Thankful today for the bravery our pilots showed.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

It’s a BAD day to have a diversity hire for a Press Secretary.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

This Mike Lindell story is nuts. It’s amazing how if you’re a Republican recovering from a crack addiction the FBI raids your house. But if you’re a Democrat with a crack addiction they make your dad President.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Holy hot damn the last time Georgia won the National Title Jimmy Carter was in the White House. And now they win again 40 years later and Jimmy Carter is in the White House.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Sending best wishes to Kamala Harris on her Covid Case. On the plus side this is the first positive result of her tenure.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Barbara Streisand says the Supreme Court is the American Taliban. If that's true Biden's gonna give them $85 billion in weapons any minute now.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Heck of a week in Billionaire News … Elon Musk is going to bat for OIL PRODUCTION. Jeff Bezos is going to space with Pete Davidson. Bill Gates is going to Epstein Island.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

PLEASE stop trying to defend Biden by saying he wanted to shoot it down last Wednesday but they wouldn’t let him. Dude is supposed to be the COMMANDER in Chief. This argument only demonstrates more weakness on his part.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Justice Thomas was just released from the hospital. Democrats are asking for privacy during this difficult time.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Karine Jean Pierre thinks “transparent” is a man who has a baby.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

If Harry and Meghan really wanted privacy they'd get a primetime show on CNN.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Sam Bankman Fried arrested in the Bahamas. The New York Times is asking for privacy during this difficult time.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Everyone who said Ron Desantis was INHUMANE for relocating migrants yesterday is stone silent as they get bussed OUT OF Martha’s Vineyard today. Liberals, PLEASE stop saying the right hates you. We think you’re absolutely HILARIOUS.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Hillary just told Morning Joe that relocating migrants is “human trafficking.” Let’s face it, if anyone knows a lot about Human Trafficking, it’s a gal whose husband hung out on Epstein Island.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

John Brennan vouching for Fauci’s integrity is like OJ vouching for his marriage.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Watching Obama campaign for these Democrats is hilarious. He looks a like a guy giving a best man speech for a couple he KNOWS shouldn’t be married.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Democrats want you to believe that abortion, which is NOT in the constitution, is a guaranteed right. But the second amendment, which IS in the constitution, could go either way. Dude. They’re not even listening to themselves at this point.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Sweet Jesus! Those racist, misogynist Republicans just elected the first Mexican born woman to Congress. When will the bigotry end?!

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

I just wanna thank Democrats for having the guts to give subsidies to people earning over $300K. SURE, 65% of families live paycheck to paycheck but more importantly, a hedge fund manager will FINALLY get help buying an electric Porsche for his side chick. Justice at long last.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Saying you got covid but you're glad you've been vaxxed is like saying you got pregnant but you're glad you wore a condom.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

That Biden speech REALLY moved the needle … into his donors arms. This Presidency is over.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

To normal people, Davos is nothing more than a yearly reminder to get on your knees and thank the sweet baby Jesus that Al Gore and John Kerry never became President.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

As divided as this country might be, we should all be able to agree that ANYONE who uses the term “Minor Attracted Persons” in a serious context shouldn’t be allowed around minors.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Made it down to Oklahoma City for tonight's standup shows. Flight was delayed a couple hours but on the bright side nobody from the Biden administration stole my luggage.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Okay so I just booked a table at the cigar lounge down the block and they reminded me that my guests will need proof of vaccination. Apparently they wouldn’t want us to do anything bad for our respiratory health at a smoking club. There’s NEVER been a dumber time to be alive.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 months

Biden just dropped his new campaign song:

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

If the FBI taught us anything this week it's that NO ONE is above the law. Ya know, unless they're crossing the border illegally, deleting 33,000 Classified Emails, or rioting their way to $2 billion in damages and 42 deaths at mostly peaceful protests.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 month

Trump is going to keep all of his properties because of this ruling. MSNBC is asking for privacy during this difficult time.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

3 years

Saying this on behalf of the women in my life who’ve given birth: Two rich men taking a two month paternity leave after adopting twins is stolen valor.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Colin Kapernick auditioned for NFL Scouts today, just a few months removed from likening the league to slavery. We are living in the death of shame.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

@elonmusk Just wanna be the first to say that Elon Musk didn’t kill himself!

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Gonna be a lot of fights on Thanksgiving between people who wanna watch the football game and people who wanna watch the vote count in Pennsylvania.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

The fact that actors rushed to comfort Will Smith and not Chris Rock tells you everything you need to know about how morally bankrupt Hollywood is.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Dude is talking FAST. White House doctor might have overdid the dosage when they shot him up before the speech.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Zelensky should give a Ted talk about maintaining a work / life balance. Dude is at WAR and every time I open my phone he’s hanging with a different celebrity.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

I’ve been audited 3 times. They were always super nice & I always wound up paying a few hundo for honest mistakes on Turbo Tax. Point is, you’re KIDDING YOURSELF if you don’t think 87,000 new agents means more middle class audits. Rich People Pay LAWYERS. Poor people pay the IRS.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Say what you want about Liz Cheney but she’s gonna be great on the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Holy HELL - Dow is down 1000 points. That sound you hear is Pelosi working the phones and buying the dip.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Making my debut on @TuckerCarlson tonight at 8 and the world will never be the same. We’re talking Kamala, Liz Warren, and other things nobody takes seriously.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Normally an FBI raid is for a VERY specific item located in a VERY specific place but in this case agents spent 9 hours looking around and didn’t find much of anything. Sounds like Liz Cheney’s dad told her Trump had weapons of mass destruction.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Biden announces that he’s sending ELEVEN BILLION in climate cash to poor countries. This dude likes poor countries so much he’s turning us into one.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Anybody who tells you the Dems would never do something as petty and pointless as banning gas stoves has never drank out of a paper straw.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Regardless of what you think of Trump ya gotta admit it's kinda funny that everyone who hate-voted him out of office is forever responsible for ushering in the worst presidency EVER and they all know it. PRO TIP: Never vote your feelings - it's like betting your favorite team.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

ANY way you slice it, the laptop is REAL and the Biden’s are corrupt as F**K.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Friendly reminder that no self respecting person believes a report by the Biden camp that Trump knowingly let spy balloons fly all over the U.S.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

10 months

I can’t get a bottle of water onto a Delta flight but you can get a bag of white powder into the most secured location in America and there’s NO WAY to stop it or figure out who left it. Seems totally legit.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

San Francisco PD now saying there WAS NOT a third man in the home w/ Pelosi and his attacker. Turns out that was just some pizza delivery guy named Ray Epps.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Alyssa Milano switching from Tesla to Volkswagen to show what a good person she is. Up next she'll announce she's boycotting re-runs of Chappelle Show to watch The Cosby Show.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

“Donald Trump’s character disqualifies him from our elections.” The Democratic Party, who supported Ted Kennedy after he left a woman to drown and Bill Clinton after he used an intern as a humidor.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Kathy Hochul is trying to win over suburban women by campaigning with Randi Weingarten, the patron saint of school closures. This is like canvassing nursing homes with Andrew Cuomo.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Biden and Fetterman doing an event next week. Saying a prayer tonight for the poor sign language interpreter who has to make up 100 new words on the spot.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

2 years

Sitting here at the Correspondents dinner - we can tell Bidens almost ready to speak because the Easter Bunny is standing in the wings just in case.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

1 year

Cheer up Biden voters. This isn’t the worst thing a Democratic President has ever been special counseled for. Close, but no cigar.

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Jimmy Failla

@jimmyfailla

10 months

@MichelleObama Thank you for taking the time to tweet from one of your mansions that there’s no way for black people to get ahead in this day and age.

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