jamie loftus 🌭 @jamieloftusHELP Twitter profile

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jamie loftus 🌭

11 days

so wait… you’re telling me you can subscribe to my new weekly @coolzonemedia show about the internet’s main characters RIGHT NOW? you’re telling me the first episode drops NEXT TUESDAY? that’s just so interesting 😇

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Last Seen Profiles

@dnipls123

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@DiscoverNEOM

@Futureaccel

@itcanbe2016

jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

had a very brief chat with the woman next to me on the plane and she was suddenly like ‘sorry, you’re a little hard to look at!’ hurt my feelings the entire flight. seemed harsh. did not remember what mask i was wearing

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

congratulations to everyone who is taking advantage of a sad event to remind us that u have Been To Paris

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

jack black assigning the kids positions in the band in school of rock is the greatest scene in the history of movies

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

6 years

welcome to my gender reveal party. my reveal is that gender is a construct. also im not pregnant. i will be keeping your gifts. please leave my home.

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

not to freak anyone out but i just had dinner with my elderly scottish neighbor and he...fucked stevie nicks in the late 70s

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

ok i am rebranding my lifelong fear of driving and inability to get my license as an ‘ethical opposition to car culture’

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

thrilled to announce the old guy who feeds a bucket full of hot dogs to a pack of gigantic raccoons on a livestream every night has found love

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

10 months

every time einstein came onscreen during oppenheimer i was laffin. i know they knew each other but. it feels like putting santa in the Serious Movie

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

babysitting a seven year old and iconically she has already named and confirmed every single insecurity about how i look, act, and am in under three hours, absolute legend, i am destroyed

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

i don’t have a rage tweet left in me, this is a fucking pathetic place to live

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

i took pilates this morning & the instructor said the theme was 'may the 4th be with you,' turned on a blacklight & played a long techno mashup of 'fast car' by tracy chapman. at the end, she turned lights on and said 'sorry, i havent seen the movies. tomorrow is cinco de mayo'

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

in case anyone is starting fifth grade soon, this might help

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

we lost my aunt very suddenly yesterday and im so sad. she taught me the word bimbo when i was five and the word bitch when i was seven, but said i couldn’t use it in her presence until i was thirteen. except if it was in front of my mom and it made her mad. be safe today🎄

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

my unending mission to show you god’s greatest gas station mistakes continues

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

we stan* a** woke*** king**** *give too much credit **to a random man ***doing the ****absolute bare minimum

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

my boyfriend is 3 years younger than me and loves to say things like "that wasn't really a middle school song for me..."

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

6 years

someone wrote ‘never change’ in my eighth grade yearbook so i never did and im a fucking nightmare help

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

i’d marry ‘fuck’, kill ‘marry’ and fuck ‘kill’

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

another day in hell

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

my cousin got her 23 and me back and we’re not even fuckin italian. we’re greek

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

disney got my letters, and i am now the proud owner of ‘mickey and minnie about to tenderly eat my pussy out at the same time’ custom sweatpants

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

every week my therapist says she will ‘see me next Tuesday’ and it is making me more mentally ill than ever… she has to know… i know she knows

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

sat btwn two guys on a United flight today. one was coding and one was cheating on his wife

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

the haim sisters were raised by gru. in my opinion

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

why is this don cheadle's wikipedia pic

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

have never really cracked a couple’s costume beyond the concept ‘and he’s here as well’

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

these fuckin egg pancakes appeared out of nowhere two years ago, cost six dollars, are served lukewarm, and are the nastiest shit i have ever seen or tasted. why

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

kim k ruined marilyns dress? well some guy wrecked my flintstones (1994) promotional tshirt with his cum in 2018. we all got problem

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

just saw a 6’4” boyfriend in a jack skellington hoodie aggressively hugging his 4’10” girlfriend on the train!!! did not realize this was still happening!!!!!!

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

6 years

good news: the hot librarian noticed me bad news: it’s because i brought mozzarella sticks to the library and that’s not allowed

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

i got to my hotel tonight and there was a sign in the door that said ‘all reservations have been canceled due to overbooking sorry’ ??? not to be This Person but @bookingcom if u don’t make this right im going to have an absolute meltdown??????

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

sexiest thing anyone has ever done to me is send over a single overeasy egg to my table at ihop in 2014. never knew who it was. fucks me up to think about it

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

the bidens endorsing the fuckin super bowl instead of condemning packing a stadium with bars open in tampa... literally all u need to know

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

bernie is the only presidential candidate that genuinely cared about you

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

8 months

i know im back in LA because today my friend bought a cookie for $7 that was fully gray

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

jared leto is the king of making doing a bad job also look extremely difficult

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

i can’t wait for john oliver to tell me this is not normal

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

the phrases ‘this human’ and ‘fur babies’ are triggering for me as they are loser rhetoric

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

11 months

the downside of today was i got evicted from a place ive loved living for three years by my new venture capitalist landlords for no reason. the upside is that my friends brought alcohol and we googled what the landlords looked like and laughed because they are ugly

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

imagine replacing ‘my dear’ with ‘scallop’ i truly can’t get over it

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

8 months

absolutely inspired copywriting taking place at the minions cafe

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

four years ago i was fired from a major news organization for tweeting about cum and a profile about me comes out in that same newspaper this week 🏂🏂🏂

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

in the wake of all this keanu appreciation, a reminder that keanu used to come to the bookstore i worked at every wednesday night on his motorcycle to buy new fiction and sudoku puzzles and would always call 20 minutes in advance and i love him so much

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

10 months

innovation is everywhere

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

boys love to describe episodes of nathan for you to each other and i love that for them

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

last night i did a set at a bar. it went well, but there was an old guy sitting close to the front who didn’t crack a smile the whole time. when i finished and was standing at the bar he walked over slowly and stoically, handed me a crisp $5 bill and said ‘good job.’

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

every time kevin from Backstreet Boys gets to sing a line i think ‘good for him’

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

my favorite podcast genre is "amateur reporter looking to make a name for themselves upending a small community who suffered a murder 30 years ago who ends up making everything inexplicably worse in pursuit of a mattress sponsorship"

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

we're* all** family*** here**** ! *you **won't be ***ethically ****compensated

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

thinking about committing a late capitalist crime so a celebrity will play me in a punishingly long miniseries

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

i go to weddings to look hot for 15 minutes and then slouch and talk to someone with the darkest spirit and worst ideas for 7 hours

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

neil… babe… u were so close babe

The Wall Street Journal

@WSJ

2 years

Neil Young is directing fans to Amazon Music, as streaming services that carry his music have been promoting it in the days since he pulled his content from Spotify over his criticism of podcaster Joe Rogan

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

it’s so fun to me that you can have ok sex with someone one time and then spend the rest of your life giving the highs and lows of their life a little heart with your thumb. sure! it’s weird and nice

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

some highlights from the mensa humor workshops

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

my boyfriend is turning 26 so for his birthday he will have to never get sick again in his life

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

i have been dumped by a man with a foghorn leghorn tattoo sleeve because seeing me once a week was getting in the way of his saxophone practice schedule. i can handle disappointment

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

CALL ME BACK WHEN IT’S JURASSIC WORLD: DA MINIONS!!!!!!!!!

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

i swear this isnt a spoiler but the scene in 'uncut gems' where the woman texts adam sandler that she's fingering herself and then actually IS fingering herself and not watching TV is ... do the sadfies ... think that this happens

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

JENNIFER GARNER STAYS HOME FOR VICTOR GARBER AND SHE’LL PRINT IT ON HER LASERJET SWEETIE

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

im on behind the bastards this week!

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

there should be a MoMA exhibit of badly photoshopped family photos from movies

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

eb white wrote to nabokov to see if he knew anything about spiders while writing charlotte's web (nabokov was an expert on butterflies) and nabokov replied he couldn't help because the hotel he was staying in was too loud

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

i felt a more intense awe the first time i saw the computerized soda machine where you can add cherry to any soda than the first time i saw the grand canyon. snacks and garbage are very powerful

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

live footage of me trying to have a flirtatious conversation after not leaving my home for two human years

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

i think it’s genuinely interesting that both new pinocchios both turn pinocchio into a grief metaphor for a lost young son when the original story is about a haunted log that a weird old man carved into a boy for no reason. we are in the age of the forced trauma metaphor!

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

im getting married most likely

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

canonically kids that chose a series of unfortunate events over harry potter in 2001 are now hot adults

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

never been kissed but it’s an investigative reporter lying about their age to see if leonardo dicaprio can tell your age from inside you

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

6 years

every canadian citizen over 18 has to be on degrassi for two years. it is their version of the draft

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 months

who are the internet main characters of the day you still think about? good, bad, indifferent, who's stuck with you. can be any era

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

there was a girl from middle school who sang ‘think of me’ from phantom of the opera at our talent show and she was so bad and they say that no one remembers those embarrassing moments but i remember rebecca and i think about it all the time

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

dreamt that henry kissinger died in the middle of taping an episode of hot ones

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

i wrote a book about hot dogs they somehow let me call it RAW DOG i think the executives don’t know what that means it comes out 5/9/2023 and pre orders are absurdly helpful will u accept this rose 🌭💋

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

here’s the cold hard fact: mr. rogers would have done lin-manuel style ‘gmorning’ tweets

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

hi LA / echo park — we just saw an employee at king’s liquor in echo park taser a homeless man for sitting outside his store while we were inside. when we came to the man’s defense and told him to stop, he kicked us out of the store. do not go here!

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

not to brag but i have found so many new ways to convince myself that everyone hates me without leaving my home

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

i think i speak for everyone when i say i was working in the lab late one night

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

so ends another deeply traumatizing week! what's that, u say? it's monday? i see

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

fuck the biden campaign, fuck the dnc for putting citizens at risk to get biden ahead, fuck the media puts 'amid coronavirus concerns' next to his win as if ppl were motivated to vote for him because of a proposed solution and not because democrats didnt value their lives FUCK

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 months

91 seconds that ruined the lives of every documentarian since

Morbid Knowledge

@Morbidful

4 months

In the 2015 HBO documentary ‘The Jinx’, Robert Durst accidentally confessed to being a killer when he left his mic on while using the restroom.

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

uncut gems but adam sandler bets that cats will win best picture at the oscars

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

SPOTTED AT THE RACINE WISCONSIN CHUCK E CHEESE

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

there is no ethical* consumption** under*** capitalism**** * mike's hard lemonade ** at CVS *** today **** and i'm pissed

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

@AdamBumpstead but now he has an awesome band

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

3 years

looking forward to hitting my stride in my 30s or quite possibly never

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

if la la land wins this caucus i fuckin swear

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

just got a job at a new startup! wish me luck. women in stem!!!

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

think heterosexuality isnt a curse? my boyfriend just started playing the bongos on my ass after half a long island iced tea

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

4 years

pippi longstocking would absolutely destroy madeline in a cagefight who is this tweet for

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

guy on this flight drank nips for 5 hours and is calling someone saying ‘bitch im in LA,’ we are in Las Vegas and no one knows how to break it to him

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

i do not dress for the male gaze, i dress for the male gays

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

mr schneebly why has my daughter become obsessed with david geffen

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

my next podcast is true crime — an ethically murky genre, but it’s about a young woman named alison dilaurentis who went missing 13 years ago today. her story needs to be told

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

two seasons of degrassi is considered canadian military service

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

1 year

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

this summer jeremy renner: - was the worst character in the highest grossing movie ever - started a ripoff imagine dragons music career - made THREE MUSIC VIDEOS FOR JEEP?? - started an amazon store for camping equipment??? - maintains his demented app for no one

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

5 years

every teen girl who got hit on at cosmic bowling 10 years ago just finished grad school and every teen boy who hit on her died in an ATV accident five years ago

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

6 months

8 years ago today, my dad texted me that my childhood cat had died and that he was going to bury him in the backyard. unfortunately he has an android and the messages sent out of order so i just got a picture of him digging a grave

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jamie loftus 🌭

@jamieloftusHELP

2 years

how about two in the pink, one in the THINK for once

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