McErin☘️ @colleen_eileen Twitter profile

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McErin☘️

4 months

"Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking" my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Being the only single childless person in my office is wild. My coworkers were detailing their busy weekends with family shenanigans and when my boss asked me what I did I said "went to the farmers market...that's pretty much it" 3 of my coworkers gasped and 1 cried.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 months

My BBC (bossy boomer coworker) saw me using keyboard shortcuts and when she noticed I had copy pasted instead of saying oh neat what a time saver she told me it was against company policy lmao help

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

7 days

Didn't realize how few perks we have at the office til I said "we're allowed to listen to the radio on Friday!" to a new hire in a way that can be likened to a girl of 12 saying "I got an orange for Christmas!" as her papa lay dying of gangrene after the Battle of Fredericksburg

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 months

*finger to my earpiece* we are learning that BBC stands for more than just British Broadcasting Corporation. Our heartfelt apologies for any confusion and/or arousal.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Being an adult is terrible but I thank God everyday that I don't have to randomly run a mile at noon against my will and then go on about my day like we did in school

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

4 months

My office overlooks a river, and today, my boss announced that a Q2 goal is for everyone to comment on the river at least twice a week. Specific examples of "wow, lotta ducks" and "what kind of boat do you suppose that is?" were cited, and I am once again yearning for the mines.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 months

I have a coworker who keeps cans of pop in her desk drawer and drinks them room temp. Tepid diet Dr. Pepper. Every day. Haunting. Concerning. Perhaps indicative of criminal behavior.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the "phew" when I get it on the last try.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Susan said she hopes I get hit by a car??

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

7 months

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that's unfortunate.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

7 months

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

25 days

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

I'm a 37 year old divorced woman. I don't flirt, I just shake my purse baggy containing Tums, Advil, and Imodium to signify my preparedness to care for divorced men. Come to me my refluxing angel muffins.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 months

@ACartoonCat She'd evaporate

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Today I used the word esoteric in a meeting and my boss told me that wasn't a word and I just am tired

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 months

@Samizdat2003 Yes😂

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

30 days

wangleberry

@Wangleberry

1 month

What are the load-bearing posts of our time? Obviously 'facing god and walking backwards into hell' and 'miette' are up there. Does Ed Balls still count? PS if you can parse this you should probably log off

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

6 months

I know it's been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 months

@lincinbio Nailed it

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

People are fighting for their lives in the replies taking this tweet more seriously than current events my God

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 months

@Spontyyy I totally did and she's very mad at me now for making her look bad 😂

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as "skydiving accident", "temporary blindness" and finally my personal favorite "cartwheel incident"

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

I'm a 37 year old divorced woman I don't flirt I just tell men I make a mean meatloaf

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 months

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He's very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

My new boss just described me as "dramatic but not problematic" and I've never felt more understood in my life

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 months

@RobertManchild Please come yell at her

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

1 year

A work friend's daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I'm a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

In case you're wondering how awkward I am, a man at the grocery store just told me I was pretty and I curtsied

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Short legs, big butt. Just realized I'm a corgi. Love that journey for me.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Today I was called a pumpkin slut after expressing my love for autumn and honestly it's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

1 year

How soon is too soon to ask someone if they're going to eat their pickle when you're out to lunch? Have we as a society determined this yet? I need a pickle etiquette expert.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Is there an STD that causes peens to look dusty? We have a dusty dick incident level 13 in my dms folks this is not a drill.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

I just found out an annoying coworker has a child named Chutney. I am levitating. Chutney.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

I work remotely and every day when I walk out of my office my dad says “wow you made great time getting home!” I never want him to stop

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

[handing out candy to a kid with a really attractive father] so do you have 1 Christmas or 2?

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

1 year

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said "not your husband or kids?" and this is a level of awkward I'd not experienced yet in life

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

An now to celebrate Jesus we shall prepare the ham that he would not have eaten

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

I don't really date I just build up their self esteem and watch them move on. A catch and release program if you will. All tracked for migratory purposes.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 months

@tfumeanitstaken I didn't know until it was too late 🥲

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Being a busty ginger means hearing spice rack jokes until you die

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

I joke a lot about being single but honestly being able to sleep in the middle of the bed makes it worth it

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

I'm sorry I'm not qualified to speak on hot girl shit. Might I interest you in some nice girl shit? Perhaps some quirky girl shit?

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

A man at the grocery store told me my hair was pretty and I told him I liked his slacks?? Where did that even come from? This is why I'm single.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Stopped to move a turtle from the middle of the road so he didn't get hit. Walking back to my car a chipmunk ran up to me carrying what appeared to be a bird carcass. I felt like a fuckin degenerate Disney princess.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Used CTRL P to print and now my boomer coworker is burning me at the stake as a witch

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

no more porn on onlyfans *dusts off tap shoes* my time to shine baby

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

I said congruent in a meeting and my boss called me after to ask me to please "watch the potty mouth" and I just don't have the energy for this malarkey today

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

1 year

For employee appreciation week my boss told our team we could pick our "treat" and asked me 1st and I immediately blurted out "ooooh a soft pretzel please" and my coworker gave me the shittiest grin as he requested 2 additional personal days, which were granted and I-

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so today I've dressed like a 1950s housewife as I aspire to day drink and pop pills

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

can we stop with the candy corn hate for a moment and come together to put an end to this trash that still roams free

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Well played Food Lion. Well played.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

McMuffins are 63 cents tomorrow and if you think I won't roll up with a wheelbarrow, purchase 100, and freeze them like a depression era grandmother you have sorely underestimated me

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Quite frankly amazed I've never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

They should reboot Schoolhouse Rock but gear it towards boomers and explain how to rotate a PDF and not fall for reverse mortgage scams

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

I've experienced more peer pressure to purchase pyramid scheme bullshit from women I went to high school with than to do drugs.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Soon after my ex left me for another woman his hairline quickly began receding. Maybe it was karma. Maybe I'm a witch. The world may never know.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

I think there should be trading cards for everyday people. Erin, 37 Divorced Natural redhead Can eat 5 pickles in one sitting Has a B+ rating with Progressive Scared of birds and commitment

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

At the dog park someone asked what Dan was, as if he isn't the most perfect specimen of golden retriever God ever created so I replied "Episcopalian".

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

I said scuttlebutt and my coworker asked me why I always talk like the last surviving Civil War widow in America and I must now pass away

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Giving myself my morning pep talk like

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

7 months

I can no longer remain silent. Homemade Chex Mix families are the backbone of this nation.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

I want a Viking funeral but will likely never be able to afford a mighty ship so just push me out to sea on a unicorn floaty and maybe stick a sparkler in my butt idk

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Once a man told me he couldn't date me because redheads were mistress material, not wife material, but that he'd hit me up after he got married and I think about this a lot

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Him: your body is a wonderland Me: sir my body is at best a KMart Café circa 1991

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Not to be dramatic but I'd rather set myself on fire than go camping

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

This has been circulating for ages and still, nary a cheese offering. I remain in retirement until I get the cheese.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

me in high school when all my friends went to the tanning bed but i couldn't

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 months

@amtisdale8 Omg I wish I'd thought of that 😂

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

The CDC recommends that you just be a silly goose

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

I've never been chased by a man but I have been chased by a goose which I imagine is only slightly less terrifying

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

A girl I grew up with had one of those dolls that you could give a bottle and it would pee. She thought that was too much trouble so she ripped its head off and filled it under the tap. She has 5 kids today and I think about that a lot.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 months

My company's solution to low morale has been to place a "good vibes only" sign in the break room. I love corporate America. The silliest geese in the pond.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

My doctor suggested I cut my screen time and knit or listen to the radio instead. Like yes perhaps I'll also make dolls from corn husks and stare directly at the fucking sun.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they're looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Dressing as Reaganomics for Halloween so my parents will finally love me while simultaneously still not understanding me

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

4 years

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

I'm a Dollar General 7, Wal-Mart 5, Target 2, but I'm a good cook and sometimes am funny

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Nothing tickles me more than seeing the hard core punk kids I went to school with posting pictures on Facebook with live, laugh, love signs in their kitchen. Who's the poser now BETHANY?

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

1 year

pardon?

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

My boss called a meeting to discuss my overuse of the phrase "okie dokie" is this rock bottom?

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

My transformation to bitter divorcee is not complete until the neighborhood children speculate that I'm a witch

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Getting Valentine's Day flowers from your dad when you're a 36 year old divorcee is simultaneously the sweetest and most depressing thing ever

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

My dad just described me as "sensible and reliable" ok so I'm a fucking Honda Civic what a realization

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Changed from one cardigan into another, slightly thinner cardigan when I got home from running errands and a small trolley appeared in my living room

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

We need new email closings. Regards feels abrupt. Best Regards feels disingenuous. Kind Regards is just a lie 98.5% of the time. Gonna start signing Vague Regards. I don't know how I feel and now neither do you.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

It has been like 12 years since Michael Jackson died and there isn't a week that goes by that I don't think about my coworker Connie wearing a single sequined glove to watch the funeral live in the office

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

This is the first thing I'd use a time machine for

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Approximately once a month my mother brings up the fact that my dad called Kathy Ireland attractive once in 1993 if you're wondering what my petty potential is

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

My mom just referred to me as "chronically undateable" so I have that going for me

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Well it finally happened. I was doing the comfort boob grab on a Teams meeting with my camera on. RIP to me.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

4 months

@britley_adler I love this

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 years

Back in MY day we didn't get water bottles in school we got TWO droplets from the water fountain and we SUFFERED the rest of the day

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

The only sacrifice I expect in a relationship is for you to offer me your pickle if you get one with your lunch and I don't. If you also love pickles I will politely decline, for I am not a monster. I just need the possibility of the pickle, if you will.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

Face down ass up that's the way I like to.....get stuck in the washer when I reach for socks

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

When my friends are discussing their marijuana preferences I like to remind them that I signed a document in 5th grade for DARE stating I'd never do drugs so I have no opinion on the matter as I would never be in breach of contract

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

If the holy trinity to middle class fancy: Chili's, Applebee's, and Olive Garden, would require proof of vaccination we'd be fully vaccinated as a nation in 2 weeks.

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

2 months

My Gen Z coworker was talking about a new cleanse but I thought she was talking about doing drugs this weekend and I blurted "when I was a girl we did whippets are those still popular?" which was met with much confusion and an AARP email that spontaneously arrived in my inbox

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McErin☘️

@colleen_eileen

3 years

manifesting an older rich boyfriend by stuffing my bra with werthers originals

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