Leggy Del Pain @coffeeandvinyl1 Twitter profile

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

10 months

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

3 months

God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers (it's windy and my hair is blowing onto my lipgloss)

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

3 years

We didn't have play dates when I was a kid. Our parents kicked us out until the streetlights came on and the weakest among us ended up on Unsolved Mysterious like mother nature intended.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

2 months

He's either in love with me or he doesn't care if I live or die. Hard to say

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

2 months

My #1 tip for making a $7 thrifted sundress look great is to get $15,000 worth of tattoos

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

3 years

Just got offered the job I really wanted.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Twitter is like an underfunded mental hospital.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Chin up. Someone out there is quarantined with your ex. Can you imagine!?

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

2 months

The sluttiest thing a man can do is read a book in the park

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

6 months

I just heard someone call Texas 'Howdy Arabia' and I will never recover lmaooooooooooo

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

6 years

Fuck off to people who ruin chocolate by adding orange flavouring.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

2 months

My tramp stamp is 2 orcas taking down a yacht

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Might fuck around and put a pound of weed under the tree for myself and pretend it's from the cats.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Twitter is what happens when anxiety, depression, sexual deviance, coping mechanisms and a troll get stuck in an elevator together during a blackout.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

You see a looming pandemic, I see a growing opportunity to fake my own disappearance.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 months

I just got in 4hrs early after leaving my teen sons unattended for 3 days and the apartment is clean. Even the dishes are done!!

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Twitter is like doing lines of validation off of a hooker's ass.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Couples that call each other "mom" and "dad". Quit that shit.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I'm sure for some people divorce sucks, but for me it was like being released from death row after being put there by wrongful conviction.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Some of you didn't get your sense of humour from repressed emotional trauma and it shows.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Bible verse in the bio, unsolicited dick pic in the DMs.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Canadian women HAVE to be funnier than average. We're always wearing so many layers of clothes it makes no difference if we're hot or not. We have to rely on our personalities.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Got my DNA results back. Turns out I'm 50% Snoop Dogg, 50% Willie Nelson

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I'm Canadian, which means I'm going to sit on the fucking patio until November even if I need to drag my sleeping bag out there to stay warm.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

8 months

Being attracted to men is like smoking cigarettes. It's a filthy embarrassing habit that could kill you

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Lotsa girls make velociraptor noises in bed.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I just barbequed braless in a tank top to apologize to my neighbourhood for how loud my music usually is.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

If you wear cargo shorts I'm putting my tampons in your pocket.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

I'm not responsible enough to be this fucking old.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

My tits are never calm. My tits are always amped the fuck up.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Tell me all your secrets, gas station boxer briefs

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

When I meet people with small kids I pretend to have a heroin problem so they'll never ask me to babysit

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Do people who take their coffee black even masturbate?

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Fuck diamonds, reliable boners are a girl's best friend.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Do dudes who wear white sunglasses know they don't have to?

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Twitter, the most fun you can have on a toilet

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

My sex tape is me eating the grilled fat off a pork chop

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THEY NEED TO LOWER THEIR MASK TO USE AN ATM!?!?!?

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Please, for the love of God, SWALLOW or anal only. The world doesn't need another baby boom.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

7 months

I had the kind of sleep that only cannabis, mashed potatoes and trazodone can provide

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

*taps mic As of this morning, I have lost 43lbs. Avi pic is a BEFORE pic 😎 I may as well make it an even 50 right? Carry on.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

2 months

If I lived to be 200 I'd still be calling it twitter

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

3 years

Britney Spears didn't go nearly as nuts as Charlie Sheen and he's still free to be the biggest nutbag he can dream of being.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

2 months

Microaggression? Treat yourself to a full size aggression. Baby, you're worth it!

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Pro Tip. If you can't DM a girl because her DMs are closed and she doesn't follow you, walk into the kitchen and slam your dick in the utensil drawer as hard as you can instead of @ ing her in something pervy on the timeline.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

I wore yoga pants to work today. The only essential service that I can provide is a booty related morale boost. Guess we're all doing our part.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Do you ever wonder which songs make them think about you?

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I just put actual peanut butter on top of a peanut butter protein bar. My cookbook will be out in the fall.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

I'm a 40yr old woman. I prefer to be viewed by candlelight through wax paper.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

People who wear underwear with yoga pants. Who hurt you?

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I don't want to throw around the word "genius" but....

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Is that boner for me or the bacon?

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Someone just told me they don't believe I'm 40 with teens because I look like I'm in my 20s. Please be advised that I'll be insufferable for the next 8-10 business days.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Twitter is where the awkward kids finally sit at the cool table

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 months

I would throw my phone into the sea before I would answer a Twitter call.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Oh good, now we can light a bunch of Gwyneth Paltrow snatch candles and make our homes smell like low tide down at the docks.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

It's not resting bitch face. I fucking hate people.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

This quarantine is going to be horrifying for vulnerable people in abusive homes.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

No civilian needs an assault rifle.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

I follow over 4,000 accounts and my timeline has contained the same 10 fucking tweets all day

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

All pants are tearaway pants if you want it badly enough

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Facebook is like your hometown and Twitter is the dark underbelly of the city where you meet hookers with a heart of gold.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

3 years

I don't have any tattoos of my kids names because that's what stretch marks and debt are for.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Shout out to the news anchors who are starting to need to apply their own makeup. I can't contour either honey, we're all in this shit together.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I quit drinking so I'm not even sure I NEED these two potential liver donors I've given birth to.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I think my cat's pretending to see ghosts just to fuck with me

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I always thought that as I got closer to 40 relationships would get easier because of wisdom and maturity. I didn't factor in all of the scars that we all have by now.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

It is finally bikini season, I say through a big mouthful of cheddar onion potato chips

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 months

Lilac Mary Jane Doc Martens. I had to. It was an emergency

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

It's 2020 and I'm still making Ren and Stimpy references.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

3 months

Dating men who don't have red flags is like cooking without using spices

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Let's take a shit ton of edibles and go to midnight mass.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

If I had a dick, I'd put it in guac

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

You ladies with your filters and contouring and I'm over here sending nudes that look like autopsy photos

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Religious people see Jesus, I just saw Pam from Archer naked in my latte.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

My family crest is two turntables and a microphone.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I can't cum if you don't have any red flags.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I just wanted to publicly announce that each and every one of my feuds are still active and I'm doing everything in my power to escalate them with petty and juvenile behaviour. If you don't currently have beef with me please be patient and I will be attending to you soon.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I'll fuck a dad, I just won't make it my whole Twitter brand.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

3 years

I just found out a girl I worked with this summer who was funny and smart as hell and warm and gave me hope for the next girls coming up behind us, she's gone. Took her own life, barely in her twenties. Mental health is the real plague

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Canadian porn is just one person saying it's cold and the other person getting to tell a really satisfying anecdote about a time it was way colder than this.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Danger

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Sex is cool and all but have you ever had a really great baguette and butter? JK, I had an 8 minute orgasm last night.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Why are we all not rioting in the fucking streets at this point?

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

I spend most of my day just trying not to think about the fact that boys can see our bholes in doggy style

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

6 years

I’m eligible to be a trophy wife, but like a shitty bowling league kinda trophy.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

If you tweet about Canadians each and every one of us will feel that we need to reply otherwise we are being impolite

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

All I ask is that I continue to age better than Axl Rose.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

Bra off o'clock is my favourite

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

3 years

All I'm saying is that Ancient Aliens makes more sense than Catholicism

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 months

The thirst traps will continue until morale improves

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

I don't know how people take a sedative on a plane. Aren't you afraid someone will touch your genitals.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

How did Helen Mirren age so beautifully? PLEASE say lots of weed and sex

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

5 years

A woman never knows what her friends really think of a man until she dumps him.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Holy shit, my Ontario peeps. Did everyone else just get that alert about an incident in Pickering at the nuclear plant? I wish I had not been watching Chernobyl last night 😬😬😬

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

Vasectomy scars are a girl's best friend.

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Leggy Del Pain

@coffeeandvinyl1

4 years

The worst part is that you know someone is going to make a fucking musical about all of this.

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