You can’t make this Crap up! @cantpretendtoo Twitter profile

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You can’t make this Crap up!

@cantpretendtoo

1 year

Grandma Helen’s biscuits. A thread. Featuring Grandma Helen.

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You can’t make this Crap up!

@cantpretendtoo

3 years

That’s me.

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3 years

Poor couch is terrified.

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10 months

@WallStreetSilv You are thinking about this problem all wrong. It really is this simple.

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3 years

If there is a more profound statement about our society today, I haven’t seen it.

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3 years

Local TV station caught DHS sneaking 2 plane-loads of illegal immigrant children into Knoxville at 2 am this morning.

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

Run!

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

This isn’t a joke. Sadly.

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1 year

Which is more stupid? Riding through the gates onto a moving bridge or the Police calling this a “bridge malfunction?”

Sandford Police

@Sandford_Police

1 year

We have passed an investigation to the Health and Safety Executive after this innocent cyclist nearly suffered serious injury after a bridge malfunction

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

After 9 years in Gatlinburg, we have been asked to vacate our store by Friday. Due to the Covid-19 closure we are now two months behind in rent. Landlord has been reasonable. A little emotional about it. A little relieved. The COVID shutdown has taken its pound of flesh.

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3 years

Wife’s Uncle got the Covid vaccine on Friday. Died this morning. Sad.

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1 year

Them fooker’s think Vietnam and Afghanistan were bad?

EducatëdHillbilly™

@RobProvince

1 year

I’m a bootlegger hillbilly from the mother fucking Ozarks. What the fuck you think imma do boy?

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3 years

Lets see who is old enough to get the joke.

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1 year

Happy Easter y’all.

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@cantpretendtoo

1 year

If you try to find any information on the Allen, TX shooting this morning on twitter, all you would know is that a gun got out of a car and killed a bunch of people. And that America has to take all guns away from legal owners because AR-15’s are unhinged fanatics.

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1 year

After looking for help for 20 minutes, you’ll be shocked how fast Lowes employees will come running when you try and start a chainsaw. Just saying.

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

Prayer request. My pregnant daughter has Covid. Pray for healing and safety. Both daughter and granddaughter. Dad is a wreck.

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3 years

A friend of ours youngest son was in an ATV accident Sunday evening. He is in his late-twenties. Same age as our daughter. “He needs a miracle” isn’t the news I was expecting. Prayers please. His name is Spenser.

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4 years

Snort.

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4 years

My cousin Lynn has been on the Vent for 15 days now for Covid. Setbacks are disconcerting, and family is becoming frantic. Please pray for Lynn, and for her family. They are struggling to maintain hope. Pray for healing. And Grace.

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

Just shaking my head slowly back and forth....

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3 years

As a pilot, any heart issue or clotting issue is career ending. No matter how small. Guess why pilots don’t want anything that might cause issues?

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

Bight me! Gonna be a grandpa to a beautiful grand-baby girl.

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2 years

So my boy snuck his MIL’s dog Rosie into the hospital to see her. Made me proud.

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1 year

@JesseKellyDC

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2 years

Just found out a friend and former employee is hospitalized in ICU with multiple blood clots in the brain. Age 50 and fit BJJ black belt. Brilliant coder. Why are healthy people dropping like flies? Climate change? This makes me so sad. I hired him straight out of college.

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

So a thing happened.

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3 years

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time… …putting their case together..

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

This bay of fertilize would have cost around $18,000.00 last year. Today it goes for just over $40,000.00. A tote of Roundup, 275 gallons, last year $4900.00 and today just over $14,000.00. This is just two inputs for growing a crop. Throw in diesel and next year will be fun.

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3 years

@LindseyGrahamSC $85 billion for Americans. $850 billion for special interests?

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1 year

@goddeketal @RealSteveCox

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8 months

@jakeshieldsajj

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3 years

It is with a very very broken heart that my family has to inform everyone that Spenser passed away this morning. He is loved by so many and had the biggest heart. We appreciate all of the prayers, thoughts and kind words about our sweet Spens.

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

Ok. Is this cat lazy, smart, or useless?

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8 months

Bestest boy Winston is in a better place. His last memories were of of his favorite place in Momma’s lap. F*ck Cancer.

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

Just for the record. I will not provide my name, address, and contact information in order to eat at a restaurant. No Way In HELL.

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

My sister has had a substantial exposure to Covid. She is high risk with RA. I would appreciate prayers for her. You can call her Ding Ding. (I hope it gets back to her.)

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@cantpretendtoo

1 year

IYKYK.

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4 years

@JakeSherman @prayingmedic @senatemajldr If you think Trump broke the Democrats in 2016, just wait until he wins the 2020 election in court.

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

Scary stuff in the Smoky Mountains.

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

My cousin Lynn (red) passed today from Covid. She joins her sister Lisa who passed away September 10th from Covid. My heart breaks for my aunt & uncle, Patsy & Verlon. Thanks for your continued prayers.

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

Snort. Sorry. You can’t unsee it.

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

Would appreciate prayers. My wife’s business is failing. Her best friend has two cancers and is in Chemo. Her mom and dad and older brother are in rapidly failing mental and physical health, and we are not financially able to help.

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

@TeamTrump @willchamberlain @TwitterSupport How is this claim false. They filed suit. It is a FACT.

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2 years

Our cat — Thistle — got in tree sap. Wife spent two ours cleaning her with Olive oil. She isn’t happy that the dogs wanna lick her.

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

Our friend with Cancer has a 103.2 fever this morning. She is in Palliative Care. Prayers for Jan please.

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5 years

@AutumnDPJohnson My grandfather was a premi. Born at 34 weeks in 1906. My entire family is a miracle.

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

Somebody is home from the hospital. PTL!

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

Twenty-one years ago my baby girl came home from kindergarten and announced she was gonna be a large-animal Vet. She finished college with a 3.95 GPA, and finished Vet school 7th in her class. For the last year, she did a teaching internship. Today is the start of her career.

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

My wife has two close friends from High School. They still see each other at least once a year, and talk every week. She woke this morning to a missed call from 3 am. Her friend Denise called. Her son was killed in a car accident. We are numb. Prayers please for Denise in MS.

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

My bride turns 60!

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

My wife has gone to Georgia to be with our friend with cancer. Met this morning with her two oncologist, which is likely to be the last. She has been blessed with little pain, but it won’t be long now. Been a difficult 5-year battle to watch. Please say a prayer for Jan.

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@cantpretendtoo

1 year

@JesseKellyDC

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

My daughter sent me these two pictures. Apparently the recent storm blew a mattress into the pasture in Georgia. Would you call this a cow-ch potato?

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

A word of thanks for the prayers for my son’s job interview. He got the job and is accepting. All three sons are now working engineers.

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1 year

@DrEliDavid

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4 years

Not that I am bragging...

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8 months

Goodest boy Winston’s bone cancer has progressed. Gonna have to make some hard decisions soon. So sad.

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5 years

@CarlaBurlando @AutumnDPJohnson Almost exactly the same story as my grandfather, including the use of a shoebox in a wood stove as an incubator. He had five kids and 13 grandkids, who have gone on to great things. This was late 80’s.

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3 years

One of the coolest things to watch as a parent. Ranger Son #2 pinning a Ranger Tab on #3 . Both are now Engineers! #RLTW

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

$60 dollars per day times 10 employees is $18,000 per month. How much profit do you think a business with 10 low-wage employees makes? This is an amazingly ignorant tweet.

Brian

@pdx_mavs

3 years

@RealBenisons @RespectableLaw @italy03 @SenatorSinema No they won’t, this is a fucking lie. It’s like an extra 30-60 dollars per day, per employee. If you can’t offset that cost by mildly raising prices, you shouldn’t be in business.

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

The media is mad because people cannot tell the difference between their reporting and satire. I’m thinking the satirical site is NOT the problem

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

My BIL Carl is in the ICU. Not Covid related. Trying to get him off the Vent. Sigh. I would appreciate prayers for My Wife and her family. Very sad situation.

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

Old Dark Cherry sofa table. Painted the legs gray, and just a sand & seal on the Cherry Top. What do you think?

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2 years

FVck. My daughter-in-law’s mother has had a stroke. Just got her to the hospital. Her name is Zhanna. Prayers please!

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4 years

Talk about “make my day.” On occasion, I sign up with the local NRA chapter for their gun raffle. Mainly when it has something interesting. Guess who just won this? Hell yea!

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4 years

@WatchChad That was totally uncalled for... He should have shot the guy like a normal person.

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3 years

How about some good news? My beautiful daughter-in-law passed her Board Exam and is soon-to-be a Urologist Surgeon.

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

My wife’s mom, Helen, is not doing well. She is in the hospital with a cracked hip, UTI, and a somewhat irregular heartbeat. My wife has been sick, but woke up feeling much better and just left for the 3.5 hour drive to Georgia. Prayers appreciated for Helen and Ms. Can’t.

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2 years

Our babies.

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5 years

Ok. So that is funny.

I'm Jeff 🍻

@fyvie2

5 years

Respect 😂

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@cantpretendtoo

2 years

Really crappy news day for our business. Haven’t told the wife yet. Prayers for her and me. I still haven’t told her. She’ll be home by 7 I hope.

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2 years

A wise man once responded to my very young concerns about having kids by saying “you could father the child that changes it all.” Cecilia Grace. 9’ 4”. 21”. I woke up an old man. Now a Grandpa. I now have a reason to hang around.

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2 years

I have ZERO interest in watching Olympics this year. You?

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4 years

My Cousin Lisa has passed from Covid-19. My heart breaks for my Aunt & Uncle.

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2 years

Friends daughter lost her baby today. Devastating. She was only 10 weeks.

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@cantpretendtoo

10 months

CeCe is officially a toddler now.

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2 years

I know zero. How many you know?

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@cantpretendtoo

4 years

My dear cousin Lynn is not doing well, and getting worse. Her sister died from Covid 2 weeks ago. After 27 days on the Vent, Lynn’s condition has deteriorated in the last week. I ask for prayers for Lynn, her son and husband, and her mom and dad. They need God’s Grace.

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

This is my BIL Carl. He has gallbladder surgery tomorrow, which is extremely risky because of a heart condition. My wife is there to be with her mom. Pray for Carl. And for family.

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@cantpretendtoo

5 years

@Barnes_Law @realDonaldTrump Pay him restitution on top of the pardon.

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7 years

@KurtSchlichter @instapundit 2010. Venezuela takes all private guns. 2017. Venezuela arms socialist militia's to quell citizen uprisings.

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

My mother-in-law is fighting a vicious staff infection. I am afraid. She is facing potential surgery to “clean up” an infected shoulder. Please pray for Helen.

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3 years

Tennessee white Christmas!

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3 years

This is spot on.

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2 years

I have an urgent and unspoken prayer request for one of my kids. I covet your prayers for Jason.

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

Prayers up for Jan and her caregivers. Indications are she is quickly approaching the end. Pray it is peaceful. Please pray for peace for her friends and family. Hospice care began February 15th and no one expected it to last this long.

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

The temperature went from 90 to 55 so fast you’d think it saw a State Trooper.

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@cantpretendtoo

1 year

Update on Mrs. G. It wasn’t what we hoped to hear as there is a serious C-word thing. The good news is that it is (appears) confined, and thus treatable. Your continued prayers are greatly appreciated. Heartbreaking but hopeful. God is good. Always.

You can’t make this Crap up!

@cantpretendtoo

1 year

Have a dear friend having surgery in the morning for a potentially serious issue. Would appreciate prayers for Mrs.G for the next 24 hours. Don’t let anyone tell you your 60’s can’t be scary.

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@cantpretendtoo

3 years

The $70/pill drug from Merck has only been used in the past — for horses. You really cannot make this up!

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2 years

I have been told on several occasions by several people — including members of the VC community — that I am the best intuitive analyst of business they have ever seen. They haven’t met @EthicalSkeptic . Viewing data and seeing the big picture is as much art as analysis.

Ethical Skeptic ☀

@EthicalSkeptic

2 years

You can replace the entire NVSS system CDC. You can re-parse and Simpson-effect categorize all the ICD-10 codes. But I know the tricks - I know the scams. I will find the signal. This is what I do...

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2 years

For three weeks, it wasn’t official. Gonna be a grandpa ‘MF’s.

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1 year

30 million could peacefully assemble and the media would only show the 7 idiots who invariably will do something stupid.

The🐰FOO

@PolitiBunny

1 year

Before you go running into the streets ‘to take our country back,’ please look at what happened on January 6th and who it REALLY helped. Do not give this administration the distraction, the narrative, and the violence they want. No matter who tells you to protest, stay HOME.

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@cantpretendtoo

1 year

Just a few words to live by. Don’t ever trust a hot tub 20 feet off the ground. Gravity is a beach.

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4 years

There is a spike in Covid-19 because there is a spike in testing. If we gave more IQ tests, there would be a spike in morons too....

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1 year

@JesseKellyDC

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4 years

@mitchellreports Yea. Now that he has been pardoned, this is slander.

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3 years

#2 Son started his Chemical Engineering career at age 30, after seven years as a Ranger. He started his job a year ago this week in the panic of a pandemic, and spent his first few months virtual. Today he was promoted to Engineer 2 and given a unit lead. #RLTW .

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3 years

This shit is true….

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1 year

Buddy of mine drive OTR. Two hours from home (Chattanooga) this car swerved passed him and swerved in front, off the guardrail and rolled. He locked it up and managed to stop his truck and not get rear-ended. No tag. No license. No insurance. No English.

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