Brona C Titley @bronactitley Twitter profile

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

So sad. All those muscles & he can still be beaten by paper.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

1 year

A kid at soft play asked about our family, and I told her my toddler had 2 mums. She immediately said “Why not 3?” and honestly it’s a great question, will talk to my wife about it tonight.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a big fan of her house made of sweets, was not aware she used it to lure children into her oven to cook & eat them

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

My toddler just slapped me with one glove. She may not know what it means but I’m a woman of honour. We duel at dawn.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

My toddler just put her mouth up against the kitchen drawer and screamed “ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE SELLOTAPE???” if anyone needed a small hit of innocent joy.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

I really want my baby daughter to play with gender-appropriate toys. Does anyone know where I can get her a mini glass ceiling?

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

To my beautiful wife on our anniversary, I just want to say with all my heart… That there’s a huge pile of clothes on the floor of our room and I’d really appreciate it if you could put them away

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

My wife has been in Australia for ONE day, and she’s already seen a cockatoo in a tree, eating a pizza.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

I gave birth to our daughter Rua on Tuesday. It was the most beautiful, extraordinary & terrifying event of my life. Mothers & baby doing well. Will be off the radar for a bit, but I assume raising a child is very very easy so I’ll be back to regular jokes soon, amirite.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Irish people - I told my (British) wife to bring me a couple of sweets & she brought me two and doesn’t understand why I’m mad.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

My toxic trait is collecting up all the grey trays after airport security and banging them back into their place & looking around smugly as if to say “THAT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM PEOPLE, IT ISN’T HARD”.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

Usually when strangers ask my toddler “Where’s Daddy?” I politely say she has 2 mothers. But just for today, I decided to look wistfully off into the distance and say… “Prison”.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

The Pope did this

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

@1followernodad Whenever my wife mentions being gay, I scream “YOU’RE GAY???!” at her, as if I’ve just learnt it for the first time

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Pitch: A film about a Disney princess who starts a true crime podcast, investigating the death of the mothers of all the other Disney princesses

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

My baby is nearly one & it’s going to absolutely blow her tiny mind when she finds out other babies exist.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Did... did Colin owe them money??

M&S

@marksandspencer

3 years

JUST LANDED: Colin the Caterpillar cake jars! 🐛

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

Very proud of my 2 yr old who listened intently to the concept of an “Easter egg hunt”, set off with her basket, found 1 chocolate egg, plonked herself down on the ground, & ate it, the other theoretical eggs holding no interest for her. An egg in the hand is worth 9 in the bush.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

I usually try to stay out of the big issues so as not to alienate followers who might disagree, but I can’t stay silent on this… There should be a fourth colour on Wordle to indicate if a letter occurs twice.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

My Mam ordered a new double bed to replace the broken single bed that one of us sleeps on every year: “The salesman said it’d be here in time for Xmas”... And in fairness to him, it arrived today... Just a pity Mam forgot to order a mattress. #DuvetKnowItsChristmas

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

Schrödinger paid so much attention to his cat, that Schrödinger’s dog was alive on the outside and dead on the inside.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Just remembered the time as a child, I got a comb stuck in my hair & slept with it in overnight. The next day my parents couldn’t get it out, so my Mam put my head on the breadboard & my dad smashed the comb up with a hammer… Ahhh, Irish childhoods.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

I just want TV commissioners to know that I WOULD watch an hour length documentary every night about Stacey Solomon & Joe Swash’s life at Pickle Cottage. Even if - no, especially if - it featured what Stacey cleaned or upcycled that day.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

I sometimes swap the gender of characters in nursery rhymes to give my daughter a more balanced viewpoint & I have to say that “Oh the grand old Duchess of York, she had 10,000 men” sounds like a *very* different story

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Transport for London have a “baby on board” badge but they don’t have an “I gave birth 6 weeks ago & my vag is really smarting” badge

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

IT’S OKAY INTERNET, I’VE FOUND THE ONLY VIDEO ANY OF US WILL EVERY NEED AGAIN, AS LONG AS WE LIVE

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

6 years

People who put “mother of 3 incredible humans” in your Twitter bio, of course humans are what you’re the mother of. I’d be much more impressed if you put “mother of 2 average humans, and 1 incredible armadillo”.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

The bar for keeping me entertained has never been lower. A car drove by my window & I was like “Well, well, well, what do we have here?!”

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Pandemic baby stands at the front door shouting to a world she has yet to see

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

My 6 year old niece wanted to write some “advice for being a child” for my 5 month old daughter, so she dictated & my sister wrote it up. Totally adorable until you get to no. 5... Eh, what??!! ☁️ 😆 ☁️ 😡

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

Apparently it’s only a ménage a tòis if it comes from the ménage a tòis region of France, otherwise it’s just sparkling awkward sex.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Sure, Jesus turned water into wine, but *I* can turn wine into breastmilk.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Remember when Rosa Parks sat at the front of the bus because she saw it on #GameOfThrones #DominicRaab

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

“Don’t forget to change your clocks!” - cry people who think we still have clocks, & not just 1 smart phone that that controls our lives & could tell us it’s 4pm all day, every day & we’d believe it. #clockschange #clocksgoback #clocks

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Don’t forget your umbrella ladies or you’ll be pregnant by morning

BBC Essex

@BBCEssex

4 years

Weather: More heavy showers across Essex overnight

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

Booked a romantic restaurant for my wedding anniversary with my wife. At the end of the meal, the manager came over & asked us if we had a “nice girly catch up”... YEAH, JUST A PAIR OF GAL PALS HAVING A NICE GIRLY CATCH UP ABOUT OUR GIRLY MARRIAGE! 😂😂😂

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

STAY ALERT CONTROL THE VIRUS TAKE IN THE LOVELY SIGHTS OF DURHAM & BE SURE TO COME BACK A SECOND TIME

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

My sister, whose dog is her fur baby, just referred to my actual baby as my “skin dog” and I was both amused and deeply unsettled.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Every night I put my baby to bed, I say “Goodnight! See you in the morning!” as our fun little joke, because we both know I’ll see her 500 times before that.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Today is National Rosie Jones appreciation day. I don’t want to see any other tweets, except ones about what a terrific, smart, funny, filthy, horny little troublemaking legend she is… Love you @josierones

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

I’ve loved theatre my whole life but I truly believe if your play is over 3 hours, you need to have a long hard look at who you’re trying to avoid at home.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

Last week my name was attached to a news story with an inflammatory headline about ITV comedy. My photo even made it into the Daily Mail despite the fact I’ve never had sex with an immigrant dolphin.. Pls read& share this Guardian article I wrote about it

Ban male comedy writers? Of course not – but do more to give women a chance | Brona C Titley

I admire ITV’s attempt to attract new voices. But many men are terrified of female inclusion, says comedy writer Brona C Titley

www.theguardian.com

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

This is really useful to know

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

“There’s actually a portrait of a queen in your house too. It’s called a MIRROR” - me, flirting with all women.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

We all living in 2020 and he out there chopping spaghetti like it’s the year 3000.

James Felton

@JimMFelton

4 years

12,000 years of civilisation and humanity has only just invented the spaghetti bolognese scissors

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

“Sorry Mammy can’t breastfeed you right now, she’s too busy having a jokey back & forth with The Rock” - me, rn

Dwayne Johnson

@TheRock

4 years

@bronactitley Brona, it clearly states in section *980 of the RPS Constitution that in order for Paper to defeat Rock, it must cover 100% of said property. I’m too big for Paper. To suggest otherwise is paper fraud 😂💪🏾

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

The next time a nail technician asks me why I keep my nails so short, Imma gonna blow their tiny little heterosexual mind

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Shush, can you hear that? That’s the sound of Orlando Bloom dreaming about roles for minorities and women.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Let’s tell boring stories from lockdown. The more mundane the better. I’ll go first: I had an old sieve& it was really hard to clean, so I treated myself to a new sieve. I was disproportionately excited. Turns out the new 1 is ALSO hard to clean. Gutted. #BoringLockdownStories

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Oh okay, I get it now. So if you have kids, you can never tidy & never have a tidy house, or constantly tidy & never have a tidy house. Those are your two options.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

If you’re a people pleaser who doesn’t like that strangers can’t see you smile at them when you’re wearing a mask, just do what I do and give them a quick handjob.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

I miss touching my friends so much, I’m really afraid when I see them again, I’m going to try and breastfeed them.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Look if there’s one thing we’ve all learnt today, it’s how many miles it is to Durham

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Truly, we have lost a comedy icon. For me, it will always be this moment. Great writing plus perfect performance = chef’s kiss 🍌 #JessicaWalter

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Absolutely devastated for straight white men who seem to be going through a dry spell after six million years

John Banville: could I win the Booker Prize now as a straight, white male?

'I despise this woke movement,' the 2005 Booker winner said

www.telegraph.co.uk

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

If you eat biscuits while *making* a cup of tea, they don’t count. 2 biscuits while making tea + 2 biscuits with tea = 2 biscuits #maths #science #biscuits

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

Being married to a woman is being low-level annoyed that she left her jeans on the floor of the bathroom all day, and then getting to bedtime and realising that they were your jeans all along.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Nobody’s talking about the fact that Fatima was really really shit at ballet

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

@TheRock Sounds like SOMEONE wants to do best of three

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

There should be a category in #Crufts called “Who’s a good boy?” & all the dogs should be asked “Who’s a good boy?” & the dog that goes the most nuts in response to the question “Who’s a good boy?” is the winner of the category “Who’s a good boy?”

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

1 year

Okay who had Greta Thunberg jokes about Andrew Tate’s micro penis leading to his arrest for human trafficking as evidenced by a pizza box on their end of 2022 bingo card?

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

10 years

Someone sent me an email in which they opened quotation marks but never closed them, and now I haven't slept in two years.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Posting this photo of my face because I like this photo of my face & this year has been a lot & maybe one of you will say I have a nice face & also the face is the arse of the head #NewProfilePic

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

If any of my friends are looking to meet any tall strapping men with giant heads, you can always check the seat directly in front of me literally every time I go to the theatre.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Every time I read my baby a book, she insists on kissing every single person / animal / toy in it & I’m just so proud she’s going to be a big ‘ol slag like her Mammy

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Keir Starmer’s field is worth up to 10 million if he built houses on it, in the same way my small garden is worth up to 10 million if I grew opium on it

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Is anyone else scared that after the pandemic, some forms of art & entertainment will have died out & improv won’t be one of them?

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

It’s not actually a new plague unless it comes from the Plague Island region of Britain. Otherwise it’s just sparkling virus.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

2 broken iPhones

Ali Qasim

@aliqasim

4 years

You can only add 2 things to this plate of simple rice -Name them

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Gosh it’s a strange grief when someone you don’t know dies, isn’t it? I feel so sad about Helen McCrory. Any time she popped up on stage or screen, I sat forward in excitement. A ferocious, charismatic talent. Huge love to those who knew her. I’m so sorry x

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

But you can have a lot of fun trying!

Vagina Museum

@vagina_museum

3 years

it turns out at least one person needs to hear this today, so let us clear things up and set the record straight: you can't put a vagina in another vagina.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

I explained to my 2yr old what an actress is and what Mammy does for a living and she looked me dead in the eye and said “Would I have seen you in anything?”

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

This pic is very confusing for this geriatric millennial bisexual… Do I want to be Tilda Swinton’s wife? Or her daughter? Do I want to be Timotheé’s mother? Or his lover? Do I want to wear his jacket with her skirt? Do I want to look at them both all day & weep for no reason???

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

I just witnessed a straight white man get his eyebrows threaded. He convulsed in pain, as if each hair removed was a distilled version of childbirth. Six women in the salon, including his girlfriend, in hysterics laughing. It might have been the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

There’s no other situation in life where being as late as a newborn is considered tolerable. “Yeah, we’re supposed to meet for lunch. So far she’s 6 days late but I’m sure she’ll be along when she’s good & ready!” Unacceptable.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Some really comforting words there.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Debuting my new bath tray. Crisps, ice cream, candles, Call My Agent on Netflix. If taking a 🛀 was a competitive sport, I would fucken destroy you.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

I just sat down naked & my boobs clapped together so loudly, I think this is how I have to applaud the NHS on Thursday

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Imagine a world where Dominic Cummings or any Tory minister came out & said “He absolutely fucked up. Lockdown was hard to follow & he took the easy route. He broke clear rules & it isn’t good enough”... We’d be so much less likely to want to punch him in his bluebell-loving face

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

They should wear them, and bear with me here... on their face

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

I know we’ve been working from home for a year, but it’s still such a trip to listen in on your partner’s work zooms & hear them say phrases you never usually hear them say like “brand loyalty” and “quantitative research” and “my wife can’t find out about us”

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

Oh no! Her gender pay-gap mobile just broke. Lemme know if anyone knows how to fix it.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

“Well I suppose I’d better let you go” is Irish for “I wanted to end this conversation 20 minutes ago”

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

6 years

Ladies, if he: - never texts you back - doesn’t follow you on Instagram - has a shiny exterior - has a marshmallowy interior - is covered in a thin layer of chocolate - goes perfectly with a cup of tea He’s not your man. He’s a Tunnocks tea cake. Eat him.

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@bronactitley

3 years

“Is this tweet relevant to you?” - no Twitter, absolutely nothing on this bird app is relevant, I just have a debilitating addiction thank you very much

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@bronactitley

3 years

Maybe instead of telling men their behaviour is inappropriate (when it is) we should tell them it’s offside? Then they might really take notice.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

[Someone sends me a WhatsApp voice note] Me: Omg great, can’t WAIT to listen to that. [Someone leaves me a voicemail] Me: No no no... How dare they curse me, and my children and my children’s children.

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@bronactitley

4 years

Does anyone know if Russell Brand thinks equal pay is women just trying to _emulate_ the male concept of pay or...?

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

3 years

Am obsessed with the fact some of the women in #Bridgerton don’t know what sex is until they have it. Like, if on their wedding night their husband put his penis in their ear, they’d be like “Ah, this must be it”.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

PLEASE COULD WE HAVE MORE TWEETS ABOUT HOW YOU CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S SEPTEMBER AND ON A SEPARATE NOTE, HOW YOU JUST PUT THE HEATING ON FOR THE FIRST TIME. I’M JUST WORRIED THERE WILL BE A SHORTAGE OF THIS TYPE OF CONTENT, THANKS

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

2 years

Everyone thinks the “To me you are perfect” line from Love Actually is very romantic but frankly I would find the “to me” bit very insulting.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

I reckon I’ve now done about 500 hours of breastfeeding. Just think, in another 9500 hours, I should be able to breastfeed in Carnegie Hall.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

4 years

I’m basically an Influencer now

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@bronactitley

3 years

My baby has discovered the 10 second rewind button on Netflix / the iPad, so she’s currently watching Peppa Pig like it’s Memento.

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley

5 years

Love this idea so I’m continuing it... Here is MY pride. We’re together 10 yrs in October. I absolutely love her, despite the fact I fantasise about divorce every time she wakes me before my alarm& every time I show her 1 of my hilarious tweets & she says “...I don’t get it”.

Catherine Bohart

@CatherineBohart

5 years

It's Pride month and all I've read is of homophobia and violence. So here's my pride @sarahkcomedy . She's tiny, needy, funny, loves dogs and hates getting up in the morning. She also makes a great mac n cheese. I love her. And I really don't care what you think.

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@bronactitley

3 years

My mother in law calls her kitchen pantry her “glory hole” and I just…

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@bronactitley

4 years

Everyone making jokes about Boris Johnson not knowing how many kids he has is being really unfair. You also need to make jokes about what a terrible terrible person he is.

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@bronactitley

3 years

I’m not doing Dry January but my vagina is

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Brona C Titley

@bronactitley