Over the last few months, I've been buying and developing old forgotten films from eBay. This is one of my favourite things I've written this year, and I'd love for you to check it out!
I am - and simply cannot not be!! - fascinated by the subtle variations in the "green man" around the world. In France he is so tall and slender. In Denmark he has a strong chest. Germany's is the most iconic, of course, but what of the sharp tailoring of Japan's!
phone notes are wild because one minute they're like "patatas bravas, manchego, olives" and the next they're all "I envy the moon, for it cannot be captured on camera". there's no clearer window into the chaos of the soul
I can promise you this now: never again will I walk by a seaside shack selling extortionately priced mini sugared doughnuts, the grease seeping through a crinkling white paper bag, and not part with six of my hard earned English pounds
sometimes i wish it was 2009 so i could tweet an emotional song lyric and you could all go "omg what's wrong? inbox me" and i could go "it's just song lyrics hun x"
SECRETS. LIES. SEASONINGS. For over a year, I’ve been searching for the answer to a very important question: who decides which countries get which crisp flavours? Some of the things I found out made my jaw drop. Here is my investigation:
I analysed 300 starters/mains/puds on Come Dine With Me to determine which dishes most frequently win.
There is no way to explain why I have done what I have done; know only that I have done it
I surveyed 1,300+ Disney adults and wrote about how they are not some kind of spontaneous accident, but a character created by the Walt Disney Company just as much as Donald Duck:
my favourite thing about writing is googling extremely common words followed by "definition" just so I can be sure that I do actually understand what words mean
I hate when you walk up to a traffic light and the person stood there hasn’t even pressed the button. Who are you and why do you think you’re better than the green man??
Twenty years ago, you only had to get to question eight out of 15 on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? to be most of the way towards a house deposit; now you have to get to question 11. 💰💷📉 I wrote about how TV prize money ain't what it used to be!!
A few months back I idly Googled “where did the dun dun duun sound effect come from” only to discover… Google had no official answers. THUS BEGAN A VERY IMPORTANT INVESTIGATION:
I hesitated to share this because truthfully I'm not sure I meant to write it and I don't dare read it back. The hardest thing I've ever written is about the dumbest things I ever wrote:
Bf who licks pregnancy tests ❌ fake
Bf who gets into fights with a chef at Waffle House ❌ fake
Bf who hates his Disney gf ❌ fake
I spoke with the authors of fake r/relationships posts about why they do it and why we are so eager to believe:
There comes a time in every journalist's life when they must ask: Is there an editor out there brave, intelligent and attractive enough to send me to the Pingu exhibition in Japan?
This is easily my favourite story I worked on last year and I am so pleased it's out at last!!! 🍬🍫🍭 WHY ARE THERE ***NINE*** AMERICAN SWEET SHOPS ON OXFORD STREET?? An investigation:
I see so much negativity about freelancing + I just want to weigh in for anyone considering it that I personally find it extremely enjoyable + v lucrative + have substantially better mental health than when staff. every experience is diff, but would hate for people to be put off!
Extremely excited to send today's issue of my newsletter: an interview with the woman whose teapots were destroyed on Changing Rooms. 🫖 Sign up to get it in your inbox: 🫖
I really love helping people get their first bylines, or their first byline at somewhere they really want to write for. If you have 0 idea what you're doing + 0 connections (like me when I started out!!) then pls email me with QUESTIONS, especially dumb ones you're afraid to ask
The thing about Mad Men being the best show ever made is that isn’t just like… slightly better than the second best show ever made. It’s on an entire page by itself. It’s like it’s a different format. It’s so much better than anything else. I have to say it!!!
It's jarring to watch Christmas adverts during an election campaign – on the one hand people sob at imaginary orphans getting imaginary oranges, and on the other Corbyn is disparaged for suggesting free school meals for all kids – so I wrote about it:
You never see a millionaire/billionaire build a folly anymore. It's all about vast, empty, cavernous homes and like, trips to space. Why even be rich if you're not going to build an elaborate, freaky, useless building!!
re: the shocking news that most journalists are private schooled, i find the people who most often email me for advice are private schooled/oxbridge/or could afford to go to City. pls, my normal schooled comrades, if ur stuck, reach out!
Pitching is a fundamentally broken system and I'm not just saying that because I want to write 1,500 words entitled "The case for Muppet Lord of the Rings" and don't know who to send it to
I have written a history of gunge feat. a broken collarbone, a stained linen suit, the “subversive politics” of The Demon Headmaster, and the words, “I wouldn’t have done it to him, he was a knight of the realm.”
Can anyone else feel the weight of a recent copy/paste in your fingers, and then you have to copy like a random letter "a" so you don't feel like you're dragging a block of text around the internet?
chatting on whatsapp
like this
instead of writing everything out in one paragraph
is extremely perilous
and leads to so much miscommunication
but i will
never stop
The “be kind” defence from this influencer reminds me of this pitch I wrote two weeks ago (but alas didn’t get commissioned) about the “myth of positivity” in online culture and how it’s used to deflect valid criticisms
'My job is to motivate people'
Sheridan has been in Dubai since the start of January, on an 'essential work-trip’ to provide sunny content for her followers.
Following an online backlash, she joins us today to defend her position.
Watch the full chat 👉
The day after you have fish and chips is the worst day. The only 24 hours you have to accept with full certainty that you're not having fish and chips today
how are you all so sure that you're right about everything, every single day! remarkable! i haven't ever been sure of anything! i don't even agree with the sentences i've just typed!
do you ever imagine ur messages being read out in court and wonder how you would explain urself??
"Miss Tait, at 10am you wrote: 'I am just a small egg boy, a small small baby egg'. Please elaborate"
Bravely, three weeks late, in a move that may have me beaten up like a SCROTE, I've written about how Happy Valley is extremely tory + some of the most abject copaganda I've watched in recent years 🤪
remembering fondly the time i tried to get religious officials to comment on whether 1 like actually does = 1 prayer and absolutely no priests would go on the record
20 years ago, a new film, game or TV show couldn't be released without an accompanying novelty bubble bath bottle. Why? How? WHERE’VE THEY GONE? Delighted with the gorgeous imagery on my VSI (very serious investigation) into the 90s/00s bubble bath boom:
for me a symbol of the pandemic is the ever-present (now year old!!) Onward ads on London buses. Blessed today to see one so sun damaged that its colours have been inverted
What if you went an entire year without criticising your body or wanting to change it in any way? I wrote about resolutions, TikTok surgery trends and why you should aim for a "new year, same old body"!!
note to editors: I’m currently available to be flown to little known European principalities to profile handsome but troubled princes with stern but ultimately well meaning mothers
There seems to be an omertà around Colleen Hoover - no one wants to seem like a snob so journalists examine her as a phenomenon, refusing to critique the writing itself. I read 5 of her currently bestselling books, which means I had to break that silence:
Icymi I wrote an oral history of Changing Rooms and discovered in the process that one man has kept his MDF greek nudes for TWENTY YEARS (they now adorn his garden tortoise sanctuary):
Why are there "YouTubers", "Instagrammers", and "TikTokers", but there's no such thing as a "Facebooker"?
I spoke with LadBaby, the hitmaker you've never heard of, to explore the ~extremely~ weird world of "Facebook fame":
It was fascinating diving into the rise and fall of the YouTube "Brit Crew", who once completely dominated the platform. Many haven't uploaded for years. I spoke with some of them about the pressure to film, chasing clicks, and ageing out of your audience:
It’s truly fascinating to me that anyone still speaks about reality TV as if it’s real, or judges contestants as if they remotely know them. This is a fascinating video – it’s stuff we all know and yet somehow ignore, and therefore it’s invaluable when it’s spoken aloud
just realised how weird it is he's called the "coughing major" when he wasn't the one coughing. from now on, i'd like to suggest that we call him the "listening major"
I wrote about why coverage of the "deadly suicide game" the "Momo challenge" is incredibly stupid and dangerous, and how British tabloids have scared parents based on one comment in the "Love Westhoughton" Facebook group:
been on my mind for a while and I really want to get it off my chest: the concept of an m&m pick n mix (as seen in m&m stores worldwide) makes no sense as you are merely selecting colours, not flavours
Uncouth to tweet your own work while a website may or may not be dying, but gosh, I really miss writing like this!! Where lets you write like this these days??
have come to the library to work and there's a toddler group singing "what shall we do with the drunken sailor" only the eponymous seafarer has been replaced with the words "lazy baby". curious that cancel culture critics remain silent
I wrote about product placement in Haunted Mansion and Barbie and how they now put adverts INSIDE of adverts. I was surprised to learn that Birkenstock did not collaborate with Barbie (!) but Duolingo did (!!):
If you eat a meal deal today, you're not actually eating *a* meal – you're technically eating 5 or 6 portions of food. I wrote about how and why supermarket serving suggestions are so wild:
Remarkable that with all the essays about performing selfhood online, no one has yet dedicated 2,000 words to swinging a digital camera from a strap on your wrist at a university club night, and uploading 400 pictures to Facebook the next day
me: time to think of pitches for these turbulent times
my brain: whoever invented those plastic Pringle holders in the 90s was faced with a problem (“Johnson, children aren’t taking our snacks to school”) and came up with not only a solution, but an art form. Who are they, how d