Ashmi @_ashmip Twitter profile

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

gonna tell my kids this was joe biden and kamala harris

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

1 month

put a finger up if you found out your ex is getting married because you got an alert that your ex father in law made changes to the shared wedding planning Google sheet you guys made years ago and your name was literally just replaced ☝🏽

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

imagine Kamala Harris’s Indian relatives rn like you’re just Vice President? why not President??

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

to be clear, this was not the representation i wanted

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

1 month

WAIT GUYS MY EX WAS A GREAT GUY AND STILL IS A GREAT GUY IM SURE (IT JUST DIDNT WORK OUT BETWEEN US) AND I TRULY WISH THEM THE ABSOLUTE BEST

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

someone explain to me how I’m on a zoom engagement party call and some auntie forgot to mute herself and is bitching on the phone to another auntie about how cheap a zoom party looks asjjshshsjsjsj im dying

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

tonight I went on a date w a guy who said he’s 6 ft tall. anyway so apparently I’m 6 ft

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

in other news, my desi mother runs Jaden Smith’s twitter account

Jaden

@jaden

11 years

When I Die. Then You Will Realize

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

‘I just don’t think attractive people go into medicine’, declared my father after sending both his daughters to med school

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

you think you can hurt me? bruh I’m attracted to desi men

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

all I know is pain

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

so I meet this really cute guy at a random event last week and we end up talking for a few hours...then this man goes ‘omg I think you’d be perfect for my brother’. anyway so I’ve officially unlocked the fresh hell that is the bhabi zone

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

Pure Patel™️

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

the sexual tension between me and every brown guy in this med school library rn who turned around to look at me as I opened my laptop and bhangra started playing

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

so I go on this date w this guy and he’s like oh you’re a med student omg let me tell you about when I was diagnosed w EDS. For two hours, I’m sat there thinking wow erectile dysfunction is a lot for a first date...when he’s just tryna tell me about his history w Ehlers-Danlos

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

guys I can see the lists you add me to............

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

if you find salman khan attractive, do not worry about what’s in the vaccine

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

2 years

MY AUNT GROUNDED MY 15 YEAR OLD COUSIN NOT BC SHE HAS A SECRET BF BUT BC SAID SECRET BF IS UGLY LMFAOOO

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever said is ‘I’m fiscally conservative but socially liberal’. truly sorry to anyone who had to hear that, I swear I’m properly radicalized now

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

places you should take your guy for a special evening 😍, a thread:

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

so I meet this guy and we realize I went to med school w his ex so he’s like ‘I’m gonna ask her about you’. he then sent me a screenshot of their convo and idk to be more concerned that she said ‘ashmi’s not as pretty in person’ (true but 😢) or that he still had her saved as 🥀

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

10 months

Barbie gf Oppenheimer bf

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

my exes weigh in on my twitter usage 🥰

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

@MySystolic I’m SORRY, I was tired of suffering alone and needed everyone else to be just as miserable as me

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

WHICH ONE OF YOU SENT MY MOM A WHATSAPP FORWARD SAYING MY HYPOTHYROIDISM WILL BE FIXED BY KARELA??? IM NOT MAD, I just want to talk

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

my 50 year old mother just lied to her mother on the phone and told her we’re home when we’re definitely not because ‘she’ll stress’ and now I see lying to your brown parents is a forever thing

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

my favorite first gen Indian phenomenon is when parents name their firstborn some super white name like Cameron Patel and then the guilt eats them and the second child ends up with like Ashwinkumar

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

men will be like ‘oh I’m a minimalist’ and then the only thing they’ll have is the audacity

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

tired of people telling me to ‘trust my gut’. sir, I am both gluten sensitive and lactose intolerant, my gut definitely does not trust me and I certainly do not trust her

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

LOLLLL at whoever’s using my face for dating apps...bruh, these pictures haven’t done shit for me, idk what kind of outcome you were hoping for here 😂

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

met a guy 2 years ago who was like ‘I like dating med students because I know you guys make a lot of money right after you graduate’. HAHAHAHAHA I’m still laughing

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

I know it doesn’t feel like bridgerton would be a highly relatable show given it took place 200 years ago, but something about a man willing to die rather than marry a woman he loves feels very 2020s to me

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

my grandpa was such a vibe in the 40s

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

the dating app Dil Mil is so perfectly named because it highlights the only relationship that actually matters for brown couples: daughter in law (DIL) + mother in law (MIL)

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

11 months

saif ali khan on the set of Greta Gerwig’s Barbie (2023).

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

i tied a rakhi but he? he was a benchod -rupi kaur

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

I love when a Caucasian male tries to tell me he has a lot of cousins. sir, my last name is Patel....

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

idk how I feel about this

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

good morning to everyone except my 70 year old Indian auntie ex- pediatrician who instead of asking for my sexual history when I was 18, told me no one would buy the cow if I gave away the milk for free

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

my life is a ✨joke✨

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

1) therapy

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

some of you never opened a blue tin of danish butter cookies to find a sewing kit and it shows

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

happy rakhi to the men in my DMs 🥰

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

Even if Biden wins, the fact that this race is so close is truly disturbing

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

so I go on a date w this Australian and I’m like ‘haha so do you have a pet kangaroo’ bc im american and annoying...and it turns out he absolutely did, and we spent an hour just looking at pictures of his pet kangaroos. 10/10 interaction w a m*n

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

I’m not even gonna lie, this has been my favorite DM

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

my therapist said we’re going to glance over my tweets during our appointment tmrw so if you see my tweet # go from 600 to 12 tonight, mind your own damn business

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

since we’re all talking about matchmaking, when I was 20 my aunt set me up w a 26yo and he was like ‘but babe I need you to know I’m a coke addict’ and I was like ‘ah I like Pepsi but you do you boo’. Anyway you’ll all be shocked to hear he never called again

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

I don’t understand how people can hate Schmidt when the man is this wise:

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

We Just Did.

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

I know some of my brother’s friends follow me and I just think it’s important they know he thought indian babies came from factories until he was like 14. to be clear, he understood where other babies come from but he was convinced Indians could not possibly be having sex

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

this cannot be the same brain that knew the products and intermediates of the Krebs cycle

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

today my mother decided to skim thru my middle school yearbook to see if there are any romantic prospects I can ‘run into’ this winter to start my holiday hallmark hometown love story. Jigesh Patel of MMMS, hmu if you’re single, my mom thinks you had potential to grow up cute 🙃

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

real cow’s milk extra cream in my coffee cheese on my bagel

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

10 months

when I call you ‘bb’, it stands for babu bhaiya, remember that

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

in med school i named my ipad Bhagwan so i could airdrop memes to rando brown ppl (bc how are you going to reject an airdrop from Bhagwan). today i had a big girl zoom interview and used my ipad instead of my laptop like normal...something tells me i won't be getting the job 🙃

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

liquid courage? oh, you mean bournvita?

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

i only work hard to afford therapy for my unborn children and the daddy issues they’ll inevitably have with my absolute shit taste in men

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

did my act of kindness today and that was keeping my friend’s boyfriend from buying her one of these for Christmas

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

absolutely heartbroken someone just bought the $20 million mansion I’d been stalking on Zillow for the past few months with precisely $14.32 in my bank account

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

happy birthday to every immigrant to this country who chose Jan 1 as their birthday

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

finally, a skincare brand that understands that men are the cause of my acne

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

denormalize private Instagram meme accounts 😪

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

it’s always the boys that bullied girls for being hairy in grade school that go bald by 32

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

i come home after a while and apparently my mother has found a new way to be passive aggressive about my lack of love life

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

PSA: if a guy invites you over to watch The Last Dance it is most certainly not a cute rom com about a couple that falls in love while dancing and most definitely a trick to get you to watch sp*rts

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

dogfishing is when men send you pictures with dogs to trick you into believing it’s theirs and you’ll get to play with it at some point so you’re like ok let’s hang, but then you get there and find out it was actually a random dog and now you had to hang out w a man for no reason

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

my father’s been harassing me for literal months to go on a date with his friend’s son and yday I was finally like ok fine, give him my number. This morning my father goes ‘eh idk how I feel about him anymore’. SIR how are YOU more fickle than ME

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

kabhi khushi kabhi gham

callie actually

@myfriendcallie

3 years

AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

I realize I do tweet significantly more about my little brother than my sister and it’s not because he’s funnier but because I have not yet forgiven her from four years ago when she felt the need to announce to the family during dinner that I was on birth control

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

...what’s in there then?

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

11 months

whenever life gets hard I remember how in 2020 I dated a guy who hit me with ‘we’re like Radha-Krishna…you know they were soulmates but also they never got married so like we never have to either’

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

today someone introduced me to their friend as ‘someone who has seen moderate success on twitter’ and now I will be having that engraved on my tombstone

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

once I told this guy I was dating that he looked really good in this specific white shirt...and then he threw it out the next day. I’m still confused

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

my toxic trait is I tell people ‘so I was reading this article’ when in reality I probably just saw on tiktok

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

unexpected blessing of these masks is the eyebrow lady no longer asks ‘upper lip too??’

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

my guy friends never wanted to hear about my dating life stories before but through the years I have tricked them all into marriage pacts and they’re all now so invested in finding me love it’s beautiful 😍

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

brown girls be like ‘I did a thing’ when all they did was go blonde after a bad breakup to neglect actually contending with deep-seated emotional trauma

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

my therapist maintains that we have a symbiotic relationship and help each other. for example, today he told me my need to self-sabotage in relationships comes from a fear of emotional intimacy and i taught him how to use no cap and simp to impress his 12 year old son

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

Nevada more unwilling to commit to one person than my last ex was

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

my own friends don’t understand me 🥺

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time.

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

you guys thinking liking old Instagram photos is embarrassing? try accidentally liking your ex’s sister’s phone bill Venmo charge

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

I didn’t know I needed a ramta jogi x WAP remix but it’s kind of amazing?

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

it’s always wyd never ‘shining in the setting sun like a pearl upon the ocean come on feel me’

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

garba autocorrecting to garbage feels like a microaggression

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

never in a million years would I have guessed the first time I was recognized from twitter would be the doc who did my colonoscopy today

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

so I updated my dad on my dating life a week ago. Passive aggressive things my mother has said since: 1) beta you can tell me anything you know 2) you know Rupa tells her mom everything 3) yeah why would you tell me anything anyway, you’re your dad’s daughter, what am I to you

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

me @ temple 👇🏽 my brother 👇🏽

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

once I delete their city from the weather app, it’s over for you bitches

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

why does this look like someone's house before an Indian wedding

FoxNashville

@FOXNashville

3 years

WOW! 👏👏👏 This Chick-Fil-A in Georgia put up nearly 500,000 lights to spread holiday cheer this year Thanks to Ron Casper for the video

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

once upon a time (let’s say 12 minutes ago), a man posted a picture of me on here and 4 minutes later my sister (who doesn’t have a twitter) called for details because that is how fast the brown NJ network works

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

rating coronavirus cures my parents found on WhatsApp: 1) haldi milk - 2/10: uninspired, they try this cure for everything 2) drinking boiling water = -4/10: just made me wonder how my parents kept me alive as a child 3) rasam - 5/10: delicious, pretended it worked to have again

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

third base for ethnic kids is speaking in your own language

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

just this guy’s I think 😍

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

and when Lil Wayne said ‘I’m down like the economy’ in the 2009 hit single Down by Jay Sean, we all felt that ✨

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

taught this boy skincare and

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

3 years

so i meet this guy and he's like "well i'm really glad you're a twitter girl instead of an insta girl". LMAOOO sir, twitter girls are way worse, we are so comfortable being deeply unhinged on the internet

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Ashmi

@_ashmip

4 years

I know brown parents cannot help themselves when it comes to comparing kids but my mother is comparing my cousin’s 11 month old to my 26 year old ass saying the literal infant isn’t as obnoxiously picky of an eater. anyway I hate it here 😭

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