My latest for
@InGoalMedia
takes a very close look at Ken Dryden’s giant goalies/bigger nets essay in
@TheAtlantic
. Both in its details and its overall aim, Dryden misses the mark.
Vigneault. Therrien. Julien. Martin. Carbonneau. Every (non-interim) head coach of the Canadiens since 1997 is currently available. The stars have aligned. It’s time to break the mold.
Hire them all, and create the NHL’s first head coach Voltron.
Fucking stomach-churning. Who likes this? Who wants this? The NHL could end this archaic bullshit tomorrow, if it weren’t afraid to lose its very worst “hockey” fans.
*A bad goal goes in*
Hockey Broadcaster:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
“THAT’S ONE HE’D REALLY LIKE TO HAVE BACK FOLKS!”
Nylander is clever on his breakaway goal. Many goalies of Rask's vintage default into a right-pad-down posture when they read an open shooter in close going high glove. Nylander looks high glove, then shoots 5-hole, exploiting this tendency.
Apropos of nothing, here is Gretzky facing the usual goaltending technique of his era. Also, here’s a vintage article I wrote about standup goaltending.
The secret number for predicting Vezina finalists is top secret. It’s a complex cypher, an enigma, a mystical digit unknowable to all but the deepest adepts.
Toronto currently has the most talented team in the franchise’s history. Easily the best player. The way the organization handles its business is very professional and their player development resources and facilities are elite.
Leafs fans today are the most blessed of all time.
Jack Campbell knocked on my door this morning and told me he hoped it was all right that he’d shoveled my walk and cleaned off my car. He said he couldn’t help noticing my last name was Campbell too, and told me he’d give up the nickname “Soupy” so I could have it.
Any Leafs fan who survived last night is now immortal. Indestructible. What can they do to hurt you worse than that? Nothing. You get to glide through hockey Twitter like gods now. Eternal, joyless gods.
Tuukka Rask has an outstanding HoF résumé. If you believe any goalie of his generation is deserving, you have to include him. Cup. Vezina. 4th best career SV% in history, best among active goalies. Most games played in Bruins history, and most wins. By any common metric, he’s in.
Don’t post family things here often, but we got some great news today. My 4yo was born with cleft lip and palate, and has had related hearing issues and procedures his whole life. Today we learned both eardrum perforations are completely healed, and his hearing is 100% normal 💪
Don’t draft goalies in the first round. In fact, don’t draft them at all.
You summon them.
Draw a perfect blue chalk circle on a frozen pond. Build a fire of broken blades inside it (taped only in black) and drop a quartered puck into the blaze. 4 tiny goalies will emerge.
Attended my mother’s funeral today, via Zoom, a day after what would have been her birthday. She loved crowds, loved being with people, would talk the ear off a stranger and leave them feeling better about the day. She deserved so much better at the end. 2020 is an abomination.
The worst part of the holidays is 10 000 kinds of potentially excellent chocolate confections utterly ruined by mint. Minty traps everywhere. Mint chocolate is an abomination in all its deceitful forms.
If you’re a reporter who’s tempted to expose an elite athlete’s struggle with addiction, this is how to proceed:
1. Seriously? Why?
2. What is the matter with you?
3. Fuck right off.
The idea that media members should keep their Twitter accounts “professional” is a lie propagated by stick-to-sports cultists who want the free utility of expert information without the uncomfortable humanity each person represents.
Now that the first round is over, I’m pleased to make the official announcement:
Canada’s team for the 2020 Stanley Cup playoffs is the Colorado Avalanche.
There are so many layers of excellence to this Shesterkin save you could write your goalie thesis on it. The rotation and reloading for the second push is physical poetry.
The Mandalorian is a goaltender.
-Never takes off mask at work
-Armored from head to toe
-MVP of every team he joins
-Constantly facing shots
-Protects the goal at all costs
-Never quite fits in with coworkers
This is the way.
Folks, this Acciari goal is a wonderful piece of deception. He looks shot, but on a 2-1, nobody is buying it early on. Then he just stares at the glove side, and everything in his body indicates glove. After he's opened the blade up, he closes it, going blocker on release.
Remember the 80s when they found huge holes in the ozone layer, everybody freaked out, scientists found the cause, those substances were banned, & now full closure is projected by mid-century?
If this happened today, the “Fuck Ozone!” party would rise to power & we’d all burn.
Alexander Mogilny was the first NHL draftee to defect from the Soviet Union to play hockey in North America. His career numbers mirror his peers and countrymen Federov and Bure, both in the Hall. Triple gold club. Richard winner (avant la letter). Lady Byng.
What’s missing?
Once a game gets to 5-0, some kind of switch flips deep inside me and I become a drooling sadist. I want to see records set for shots, multiple hat tricks, a point for every player on the team, so many goals they need three scoresheets. Show me the antidote to mercy.
I’ve never seen my timeline so pure after a coach’s firing. Most fired coaches have a portion of the fan base that hates them, but every take I’m seeing is “I’m glad the Habs made the change, but I love Claude and wish him the best.” Refreshing.
Ok, we have to stop claiming every call is random. NSH player spins the goalie using his stick on the pads, jarring the puck loose. Dead illegal. Clear call.
Rule 69 (covering goaltender interference) has been amended. The following line has been added: “When determining goaltender interference, officials, above all, must ask themselves, ‘What does my heart say?’ In this, as in all things, no rule or force can overrule the heart.”
Goaltending is suffering. Each rock you push to the hilltop crashes back to earth. Expectation crushes you. Hope vanishes like smoke through the webbing of your trapper. Stooped double over the ice like an octogenarian, everything hurts. It’s always your fault. Curse God and die.
Hellebuyck is the bumblebee of modern goaltending. Science can’t explain how he flies, but he manages just fine. His puck handling is awful and his skating is subpar, but his big fluffy body somehow always manages to find the flower.
What if Canada just said fuck it, let’s reconfigure society so that the necessities of life are taken care of for everyone? Start there, and arrange everything else around that. We’ve done it for health care. Time to flex bigger.
A lot of people in the comments are saying, “They fired him for alcoholism instead of getting him help?!” It’s pretty clear he did something beyond the pale while under the influence, and it’s bad enough that he isn’t resisting at all. The incident is what got him fired.
Corey Perry issues a statement apologizing to the
#Blackhawks
and says he has begun working with mental health and substance abuse experts to discuss his struggles with alcohol.
Today, no matter where you are in the world, Bell (a Canadian telecom) will donate $.05 to mental health initiatives every time someone tweets
#BellLetsTaIk
or
#BellCause
. It’s real. They actually donate the money, and it’s been in the millions in recent years.
Now that the playoff positions are finalized, I can officially announce who gets the title of “Canada’s Team” for the playoffs.
The winner is: The Carolina Hurricanes. Gooooooo Canes! 🇨🇦
#TakeWarning
🇨🇦
Goalie: steps out in head-to-toe purple-energy field fantasy motif setup with a gentle unicorn grooming an ice dragon on their mask.
Teammates: Cool!
Forward: has a single white stripe on their skates.
Teammates: *laughing* whoa - you think you’re special now, Fancy Feet?
This is Corey Perry level “look one way, drive the elbow the other” dirty as fuck bullshit. It’s not only dangerous, but so wanna-be sneaky it’s blatantly intentional. Throw the book at him. This makes my skin crawl.
@ddale8
Off the record, I’ve personally been operating a shoe-smuggling ring for 10 years. They call me The Heel, and they say I’ve “got the right scuff.”
@JeffMarek
“I regret that what I meant was successfully conveyed by what I said. I’d like to restate it in different words to reiterate my initial point. Thank you.”