Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly Twitter profile | Pikagi

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Sunshine Jarboly

@SunshineJarboly

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eagle trainer. puppy petter. drinker of milk. taker of naps. author. artist. my books available at

the surface of the sun

https://t.co/ez4DJ4RquL

Joined January 2009

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@SunshineJarboly

Sunshine Jarboly

@SunshineJarboly

2 years

i, idiot: after three years of procrastinating i finally made an appointment to get a colonoscopy. i did it all by myself. without my wife’s help. i’m serious. anyway, the day before the procedure i was on an all liquid diet & was about to take the bowel prep medicine.

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@SunshineJarboly

Sunshine Jarboly

@SunshineJarboly

4 months

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

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23 days

sometimes my wife will put a ribbon across our front door that says ‘finish line’ so that when i come home from not accomplishing a single thing i still feel like a champion

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4 months

@frankrogan thank you, frend. i can now reset my ‘haven’t thought about a rhombus’ counter back to zero

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28 days

you know that thing at the end of a movie where two people realize they’re in love & when they see each other everything turns to slow motion & ain’t no mountain high enough starts playing? that happened to me yesterday when i saw an unopened snickers bar on the bus bench

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Sunshine Jarboly

@SunshineJarboly

2 years

“i sure did,” i said. “all by myself.” we got in the car & she took me to get some ice cream. five years later i would be running from a terminator sent from dr. flemjeans’ future grandson who was trying to prevent me from choosing another doctor to perform my second colonoscopy

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1 month

haha, you’re right, i hate it when i’m talking to someone at a party & we run out of stuff to say & then we both realize that one of us has to kill the other one

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4 months

@jesuisunenicole yes. another missing shape

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2 years

oh, that tone in her voice. she wants answers & i don’t have ‘em. you see, i’m not a real person. i should be outside on the lawn eating dandelions not arranging important adult medical procedures. i’m a child. i don’t know how i got this far in life without

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8 years

*talking to barista in loud voice while they make my extremely specific coffee order* i take vitamins that only falcons are supposed to take

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2 years

i begin every job resumé with ‘by the time you read this i’ll be dead’

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9 years

my dad is 167th in line for the throne of england and 34th in line to be in korn

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6 years

one time when i was a kid my dad brought home a stray dog & it wasn’t until many years later when we were all in jail that we realized that the dog was actually an undercover cop

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2 years

so they poured the same sedative that killed michael jackson into my iv drip & for the first time since making the appointment i felt relaxed. i could see the monitor where dr. flemjeans was directing mission impossible 12. it’s going to be fine, i thought. maybe i’m not an idiot

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2 years

only now was i beginning to wonder if this guy was qualified. crap, what if he’s not? what if he’s so incompetent he accidentally sews my butthole shut for some reason & i can’t poop & then i have to go to some chicago hope hospital to have emergency poop surgery?

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5 years

*an orca looks up in the sky & sees an alaska airlines jet painted to look like an orca flying overhead. tears of joy start flowing from his eyes as he quietly whispers to himself* we did it

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5 months

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment* so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

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3 months

i saw my shadow today which means six more weeks stuck in this ikea

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2 years

“…of 47,” she said. i was beginning to think i should have procrastinated another three years & maybe by then i’d be eaten by a mountain lion. she continued, “looks like he auditioned for star search in the 1980s & owns two boa constrictors. is this your guy?” she asked me.

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2 years

he said that my wife shouldn’t be such an alarmist & that terminators from the future are very real. we talked about the trajectory of james cameron’s career & wondered when those other avatar movies were gonna come out.

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2 years

falling down a well or bumping into a terminator from the future who’s been programmed to kill me. i couldn’t sleep. i spent the entire night imagining myself lying on a slab in the coroner’s office with a missing butthole. what was i thinking? next time ask questions, you idiot.

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2 years

anyway, i’m happy to report that i did not end up on a slab nor was i killed by a terminator. the procedure went splendidly. dr. flemjeans was very nice & had a british accent. he took out a couple of small polyps & said to come back in five years.

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2 years

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

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4 months

@njnnyc yes. i think only sorcerers & ska bands use it now

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2 years

to do it.” & the first voice said, “that’s not how it’s done.” & the second voice said, “well, we were trained to put them there but we’ll do it your way.” & i thought, oh shit are they arguing? what kind of place is this? my feet are touching a printer right now.

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5 years

drummer: what if i just grazed the top of my drums with this paint brush? jazz musician: holey fucken shit

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2 years

& as they rolled me out of the room dr. flemjeans handed me a flyer for the college of leaflets, pamphlets & brochures & looked at me. “you’re not an idiot,” he said. “but, maybe you should cut back on the dandelions. they have a tendency to make a person’s imagination run wild.”

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2 years

filming mission impossible 12 in my lower intestines. what is wrong with me? i’m an idiot. i never check. i never research. you know what it is? i hate confrontation. say i did sprout a brain cell & did some research. say i decided against dr. flemjeans. what then?

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2 years

not only should i have researched this doctor but i should have investigated this entire goddamned building & everyone in it. i think i saw an electrical panel that wasn’t up to code. suddenly, my gurney started moving & i thought, oh boy, this is it. i’m done.

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2 years

i just paid my grandma twelve dollars to stitch ‘no fear’ on my shower cap

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6 years

*a squirrel in his cozy little nest, reading a candy bar wrapper like it was the evening paper, looks up at his wife* have we ever had any money?

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1 month

one time for valentine’s day i gave my wife a mixtape of me listing off my favorite kinds of dinosaurs

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2 years

“i’m sure he’ll be fine,” my wife calmly said as she shut her computer. & i thought, yeah, i’m sure he’ll be fine. thanks, wife. thanks for planting the ol’ paranoia seeds in my head. i’m really not an adult. it never crossed my mind to find out more about the person who will be

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2 years

this stuff is designed to clear the bowels, not in an explosive way, but more like last call at a bar when the lights turn on & everyone has to go home. so, as i was mixing this witch’s potion in a cup my wife asked me, “who’s doing the procedure?” & i replied, “i don’t know.”

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9 years

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

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1 year

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

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9 years

*sees dead squirrel on ground* say hello to bin Laden, you sonofabitch

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2 years

my grandma has an apple pie recipe that calls for half a cup of dark matter

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2 years

“well then, who DO you want?” they would ask. “i don’t know,” i would say. “can you recommend someone?” “yes,” they would say. “dr. flemjeans.” then i would tell my wife that there’s no other choice & she would say, “what do you mean there’s no other choice?”

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2 years

graduated from the college of leaflets, pamphlets & brochures. is this your doctor?” i began to worry. should i have done some research? i didn’t know i had a choice. how do i research a doctor? my wife seems to know how. “looks like dr. flemjeans was 47th in his class…”

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9 months

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

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2 years

& she said, “you don’t know who’s doing your colonoscopy?” & i said, “sh…should i know?” so, i checked my appointment reminder & told her, “it’s dr. flem…jeans, i think.” & she said, “hmm.” so, she hopped on her computer & in less than a minute pulled up a file. “dr. flemjeans

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1 year

there’s a secret department at home depot where they’ll let you power wash a live panther

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2 years

“thanks, dr. flemjeans,” i said. “i will cut back.” so they rolled me back to a small room where i got dressed. i walked out to the front desk where my wife was waiting. “well, how was it?” she asked. “it was great,” i said. “well, you did it,” she replied. “all by yourself.”

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2 years

they rolled me into a chigago hope room where some nurses were prepping the equipment when suddenly this guy, who i swear was john oliver, popped into my view. “hi,” he said. “i’m dr. flemjeans. i’ll be doing the procedure today. do you have any questions?”

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1 month

it’s okay to look at a solar eclipse if you’re wearing a jean jacket

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5 years

*stops abruptly in the cereal aisle to salute a box of cap’n crunch*

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6 years

i’m still at the fyre festival, you guys

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2 years

“i do have a question,” i said. “is my y-5 lead in the right position?” “of course it is,” he said. “we’re all trained to put it there. have you heard conflicting information about it?” “no, i was just curious,” i said. “well then, “ he said, “shall we get started?”

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2 years

i was lying there on the gurney staring at the ceiling pretending to be dead listening to the office chatter when i heard someone come in and say, “i’m noticing that the y-5 leads aren’t in the right position.” & someone else said, “well, that’s how we were trained

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5 years

*whispering to my grandma on her deathbed* why are you following taco bell on facebook?

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2 years

the next day i was at the clinic in my gown with a blood pressure thingy on my left arm & a saline drip in a vein on my right arm & little ekg leads all over my chest. i lied down on a gurney & they rolled me out of the room & into the main bullpen area where i waited.

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3 years

*swirling a glass of wine, i finally break the deadly silence & look up at my wife* i traded the car for a baboon today

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1 year

as my wife uses a rich & complex tapestry of words to give me a list of chores to do i squeeze my eyes shut so tight not even god can get in & i think about the diversity of the arby’s menu

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10 years

yoga is just breakdancing one move at a time

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11 years

"Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN'T eat chocolate. It'll kill them." - God inventing dogs.

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4 years

one time in 1985 my family buried a time capsule that was just filled to the top with apple sauce

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1 year

my wife married a moron: one time, years ago, before justin bieber was born, i was working on a movie as an electrician. that morning the company had to shut a down a diner in brentwood for a few hours so we could film there. suddenly, an old man, a local wizard, probably,

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3 years

one time my dad used a spark plug from his vw van to revive a chipmunk who passed out from drinking a whole bottle of orange fanta

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3 years

*a bunny rabbit watching jesus being crucified on the cross, turns to his friend* i’m gonna wedge myself into this guy’s story somehow

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1 year

the day i discovered i was an idiot trapped inside a moron’s body: i stood up in front of the room full of people, “hi, my name is sunshine jarboly & i’m a far-parker.” everyone just stared at me. “what kind of name is that?” one man asked. “it’s

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3 years

not. fucking. now., scientists.

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6 years

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

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2 years

my grandma’s tombstone has the denny’s breakfast menu on the front & a list of her enemies on the back

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6 years

in the 1980s we all had shoulder pads in our jackets so our falcons had a place to land. *looks gravely at grandkids* we. all. had. falcons.

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5 years

me: hey siri siri: (long, deep sigh) what

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4 months

*3:21am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper* i forgot to tell you, i used next month’s rent to buy an owl

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1 year

one time when i was a kid a carnival came to our village & the only ride they had was the one where a clown drove us to the liquor store in his el camino

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1 year

hi. jeans expert here. there’s only one guy wearin’ kickin’ jeans. the second guy is wearin’ posin’ jeans while the third guy is wearin’ gettin’ kicked jeans. please know the difference before you make blanket statements about jeans or walk into a sears jeans department. thanks

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6 years

so honored to get a tatto of my family's coat of arms which is an o'possum with his head stuck in an empty ravioli can whilst a ragamuffin pokes him with a broken broom handle

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3 years

i just went on a 1970s diet where i only eat cheese fondue, drink malt liquor & kill a drifter every 4 days

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1 year

after reading the seven habits of highly effective people i noticed that one of them is not ‘eating nachos at 4 am in an empty parking garage’

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2 years

i begin every job resume with ‘what i’m about to tell you may get us both killed’

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3 months

jesus: …& they keep insisting that i take the wheel. god: do they know your license is suspended? jesus: they don't seem to care

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3 years

*on the phone with my wife* yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

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4 months

*speaking in front of my daughter’s class on career day* do any of you have around twelve thousand dollars i can borrow?

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3 years

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

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1 year

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, right now a priest is giving me last rites because i ate a taco that i bought from craigslist

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8 years

okay, cut down a tree. now, put it in your house & festoon it with stuff. okay now, and here's the important part, fight with your family

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3 months

one time in the 1980s my family briefly got put into a very low level witness protection program where the only thing we had to do was rename our dog

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8 years

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon* anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

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4 years

one time i met a cuddly forest animal & brought it home to my family where we named it pete abernathy & we enjoyed its companionship for many, many years. anyway, we later discovered via a squirrel ghost during a ouija board tournament that our beloved pete was a simple pine cone

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22 days

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she sees that it’s completely filled with a list of things i wish were on sale at sears

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3 years

my grandma has 13 large photo albums that only contain pictures of all the times she went to taco bell

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2 months

i don’t know how to be a person: part 1 my wife knows i have trouble being a person. a real person. one who eats vegetables & oatmeal. not this teddy ruxpin doll that i’ve become. i’m like a minor animatronic character at chuck e. cheese singing on top of ol’ smokey

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6 years

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

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4 years

today i asked my 3 year old daughter what her imaginary friend’s name was & she said, “her name is not important.” so i got down real close, looked my daughter dead in the eyes & whispered, “it’s important if she’s gonna be living here.”

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1 year

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

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2 years

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

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2 years

one time when my grandma was in jail she used her only phone call to find out if the chalupa was back on the menu at taco bell

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4 years

there were 2 chimichangas in my dream catcher this morning

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3 years

haha, i accidentally set my clock back to 800 b.c. & now there’s an etruscan rug maker on my porch trying to convince me that the sun is made completely out of bronze

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4 years

i don’t think that imagine song worked

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5 years

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury? me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

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3 years

me, dead, in my casket being lowered into the ground: this’ll show ‘em

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2 years

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up* (linkedin notification) congratulate david crandall on 4 years at taco bell

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4 months

@forwhoforwut yes. also, i think an asteroid hit their home planet

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7 months

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury? me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

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@SunshineJarboly

8 years

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus* so, how are we related again?

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@SunshineJarboly

Sunshine Jarboly

@SunshineJarboly

6 years

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

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