Snarky Mommy @SnarkyMommy78 Twitter profile

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

6: why does J have two mommies? Me: some kids have two mommies, some have two daddies, some have a mommy and a daddy… all families look diff- 6: I wish I had two mommies My husband:

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 months

My 7yo was diagnosed with ADHD recently. It wasn’t a huge shock because she’s always complained her brain has “too many ideas” that distract her. But today, after meeting with a doctor to discuss medication, she told me she was scared taking it would make her forget her ideas.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

6 years

My father in law came over and asked 2 for a kiss and when she said “no” he said “gonna take one anyway” and my husband stopped him and explained that we’re working hard to teach her that her “no” has power and deserves respect and I’m not crying YOU’RE crying

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

I accidentally left my phone at home during a quick errand and was forced to be alone with my thoughts. It was terrifying.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Just heard the mom of a newborn tell her crying baby “it’s ok, we’re figuring it out... we’re just on day 8” and honestly I’m on day 3,654 and I’m still figuring it out.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Me: I need to get my shit together My shit: not today, girl, not today

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

I know this may sound crazy but when a mother complains about her kids, or motherhood in general, she is not saying she hates her kids or hates being a mother. She doesn’t need to be told to enjoy every minute. And she certainly doesn’t need to be shamed for complaining.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

I feel like I’d be a much better parent if I didn’t have to do it every day.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

I’m wearing a shirt with ‘96 on the front cause it’s the year I graduated HS and a teacher at my 3yo’s school stopped me to say “omg I wasn’t even born then!” and long story short I need bail money.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

I just had to text a mom I’ve never even met to ask if her daughter is available for a play date. Our kids have no idea the hardships we endure for them.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Just overheard my daughter say to her doll, “no we can’t go get icecream cause all the people are sick” so if my 3yo gets what we’re doing here, there’s really no excuse for anyone else.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I don’t like to brag but I’ve been avoiding people since way before the coronavirus.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

My 5yo asked if she could have a brownie and I started to say no cause it was too close to dinner and she said, “please your highness”. So I asked her where that came from and she said matter of factly, “cause you’re my Queen.” So anyway, she’s now having brownies for dinner.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking” - my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

So apparently koalas sleep 22hrs a day and then wake up, eat, have sex and go back to sleep and now I’m fucking pissed I’m not a koala.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

To those that say we should stop complaining about our kids: Parenting is hard. Really fucking hard. And being snarky or sarcastic helps us cope with the craziness of it all. Doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids. But if you prefer “life is great” type posts, go check out fb...

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Who needs a weighted blanket when you can just lie under a week of unfolded laundry?

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

Before having kids I expected to be sleep deprived for the first year, maybe two years tops. I was wrong. So so wrong.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I know this may sound crazy but hear me out: when a mother complains about her kids, or motherhood in general, it does not in any way shape or form imply that she hates her kids or that she hates being a mother. So kindly fuck off with that shit.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Omg it’s almost like she likes the coat and doesn’t give a shit what people think 🙄

Page Six

@PageSix

5 years

Kate Middleton re-wears blue Alexander McQueen coat for fourth time

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Anyone else feel like we’re living through the first 10 min of every zombie movie ever made?

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

6 years

I walked by a mom and a kid standing in front of a pizza place and overheard her say “fuck it, let’s have pizza” and I don’t want to bore you with the details but she’s now my life coach.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

My new guilty pleasure is watching videos of people having meltdowns when they’re told they can’t enter a store without a mask.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

When a mom complains about her kids, or motherhood in general, she’s looking to be heard. She’s looking for someone to say, “I get it”. She doesn’t need to be lectured about enjoying every minute. And she shouldn’t be shamed for complaining.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

They say you should do one thing every day that scares you so today I saw a phone call coming in and answered it.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

I’m just a girl, staring inside my fridge, begging the random ingredients to get together and make something edible.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Parenting is just like waitressing only you get the same customers for every meal and they’re the shitty kind that demand ridiculous things and then never tip.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

You finally get a job you’ve been wanting forever and everyone you know who’s had it raves about it and so you’re really psyched to get the job and then it turns out to be all consuming and spirit crushing and you wonder why no one warned you it was THIS hard?! That’s parenting.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Parenting, where one minute you’re ready to scream your head off at one of your kids and the very next minute you’re crying at pictures from when they were younger.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I told my mom I’ve been exercising 2-3 times a week which is a lot for me but instead of acknowledging this small miracle she said I should exercise every day if I want to lose weight faster and it’s good cause I was running out of stuff to talk about in therapy.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

No school, Day 1 7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers... we’ll get through this! 8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

My 3yo, who demands I stay in her room until she falls asleep, just said “ok, you can leave...” and when I said, “wait, what?!” she said, “goodniiiight” so I left and now I’m just standing outside her door trying to process what just happened.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

*cuddling with my 5yo* 5: don’t do that Me: do what? 5: breathe in and out

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

My sister just told me she can’t babysit my 3yo tomorrow morning cause 9am on a weekend is too early for her and I just said okay and changed the subject instead of getting annoyed at her and now I’m drunk on my powers of self-restraint.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

Parenting books: calm your child’s tantrums with empathy Me to tantrumming 5yo: it looks like you need a hug 5yo: NO I DOOOOONT *tantrums harder*

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

6 years

My husband and I have different parenting styles - he thinks I should be less hands on to help the kids be more independent and I think he should remember to offer them food/water when I’m not around.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I told my 4yo she was the best daughter in the whole wide world and she said “you’re the best girl that has teeth in her mouth in the whole wide world” so at least I have that going for me.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

*tweets something annoying about 3* Sympathetic Twitter: mine does the same Competitive Twitter: mine does that and more Invalidating Twitter: that’s nothing, wait til they get older! Empty Nest Twitter: cherish the moment it goes fast Asshole Twitter: be grateful you bitch

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Do you ever feel left out of something you wouldn’t want to be included in in the first place?

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

I showed my 11yo son President Biden’s 1st tweet as POTUS where he stated “there is no time to waste” and my darling son, making me a very proud parent, said “he’s starting work already?! I’d probably take a nap first and start the next day”.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Will she change her mind about wanting it peeled? Will she ask for it to be sliced and then freak out cause she didn’t realize sliced meant not whole? Will she lose her shit about a completely different reason? The suspense is killing me! - me, giving my 3yo a banana

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on? Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?! 4: her strap on! Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a- Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

3yo is crying because her father and brother don’t have vaginas... how’s YOUR morning going?

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

“I don’t wanna go to schooool. Why can’t I stay home and do nothing all day, like you do?” - my ex-son

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

3 is spilling her milk and telling her dolls they’re gorgeous and that she loves their hairstyle and I’m getting a strong drunk girl in a bar bathroom vibe from her.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

Just found out the guy I was into before meeting my husband is now a dietitian. Dodged a real bullet there.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

I’m just saying it’s really rude that we need to eat food to stay alive and that that same food we need to stay alive makes us gain weight and as if that wasn’t bad enough, we have to put actual effort into losing the weight we gain by eating the food that we need to stay alive.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 months

The eclipse was cool and now it’s over and there was no rapture and so now I have to go home and make dinner. 0 stars.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

The fact that we have to make coffee before having had coffee is one of the cruelest things about adulthood.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

One of the hardest things about being a parent is having to tell your kids that things will be okay when you yourself are not so sure.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

I overheard 10 tell 3, “mommy speaks English, Spanish and yelling” so yeah, I’m definitely winning at this whole parenting thing.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

I’m just a girl, looking inside my fridge, asking the random contents to come together and make something edible.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him... so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

In the middle of one of his zoom classes, my 12yo put his headphones down and said, “I spaced out for a minute and now we’re listening to Frozen and I don’t know why” and I laughed so hard it almost made up for all the shitty moments over the last year.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

My 4yo begged me to make her a banana mango smoothie and then took three sips and said she was done so now I’m drinking it with rum cause when life gives you lemons, ya know?

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

🎶 fuck my life doo doo doo doo doo doo fuck my life doo doo doo doo doo doo 🎶 - Me, singing as I tape 28 lollipops to 28 cards and then stuff them into 28 envelopes at 11pm

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot but every time the doorbell rings my 4yo screams, “more Amazon?!”

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Kids are magical and all that cheesy stuff but am I crazy or does food just taste better when they’re not around?

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

If you’re sitting next to your kid during zoom school it is absolutely imperative that you check, and then double check, whether he’s on mute before making a snarky comment. Please learn from my mistakes.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

My 10yo showed me a Fortnite dance he really liked and when I started saying it looked familiar, he interrupted me to say it was from a movie that came out a super loooong time ago. Napoleon Dynamite. He was talking about Napoleon Dynamite.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

My 4yo was very difficult this weekend and I yelled more than I should have but tonight right before bed she hugged me and said “best friends forever!” and just like that she managed to erase all the bad moments and this kind of witchcraft is exactly why 4yos are so scary.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

My 10yo just sat on my lap, which he hasn’t done in forever, and so I leaned in and it seemed like he was about to let me cuddle him and my heart started getting all happy and then he said “I just farted on you” and jumped out of my lap and this, THIS is why I have trust issues.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

You know when you have a million things to do and you’ve been waiting 12 days to do them without the kids bothering you and yet when you finally get your chance you’re too overwhelmed with all the things and end up doing nothing instead? That’s where I’m at right now.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Me: ok, 5 more min of Minecraft and then we’re going outside 10: outside?! whyyyy Me: cause it’s important to do things other than Xbox and YouTube 10: ughh I don’t know if you know this mom, but kids don’t go outside as much now, this isn’t the 1900’s like when you were born

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

All I’m saying is that if I had someone feeding me when I got hungry and carrying me when I got tired, I’d probably try to be a little less of an asshole. But maybe that’s just me.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

@CorsoMarcial @Tiffytoes Very true but she didn’t let me finish

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

My 13yo just told me no one says “bruh” anymore which sounds about right cause I only just got comfortable using it.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

Don’t wanna brag but my 5yo wakes up extra early on weekends so she can spend as much time with me as humanly possible.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

My parenting philosophy is to do whatever necessary to raise non assholes.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I really really want to try to understand how THIS many people could look at everything he’s done and said over the last four years and STILL go, “4 more years please!”

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Dear child, I’m already spending every waking minute with you so this whole hanging out at 3:30am thing is wildly unnecessary. Love, Mom

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath* Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I love when people are like oh you’ve got a restless 3yo cooped up at home hmmm you should make a schedule and look into resources to engage her So here’s what I have: Schedule - whatever the fuck she wants whenever the fuck she wants it cause survival Resources - fuck off

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

“I’m tired from the whole entire day” - my 6yo, at 9:13am

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

2 years

I don’t usually like pretend play but today my 5yo had me pretend to be a baby and all I had to do was lie on the couch and cry and not to brag but I played the shit out of that.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Parenting involves a lot more internal screaming than I had previously anticipated.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

If I see a booger in my toddler’s nose I have to pick it and she hates it and screams and then my husband gets annoyed cause I can’t leave well enough alone and I know I need to stop you guys but I can’t and I mean is there a support group for this

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

3 years

12 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and says we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just think it’s unfair that no one’s ever treated ME that unfairly

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

*dreads doing a new thing* *finally does said thing* *admits thing wasn’t as bad as expected and regrets stressing about it* *repeats process every time there’s a new thing*

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

If it doesn’t end with both of you crying, did you really even try to help your preteen with remote school?

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

My 11yo son, who complains about literally everything he’s asked to do, just told me he wouldn’t mind wearing a mask to school cause “what’s the big deal?”

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

To the people who tell parents of young kids to enjoy the moment: it’s not easy to enjoy the moment when the moment involves tantrums and attitude and stress. And telling us to enjoy something that is hard to enjoy makes us feel shittier than we’re already feeling so just don’t.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

5 years

Them: oh you’re having trouble with potty training? You have to do a behavior chart. You’ll see! It’ll change your life. Me: *creates and introduces chart to 3yo* 3yo: fuck your charts

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I just used TWO paper towels to clean up a spill like some kind of pre-quarantine person

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

After bath, 3 asked for a roll, salami and cheese and I started getting impatient cuz it was close to bedtime but I reluctantly gave in and she proceeded to pile it all inside the roll and said, “this sandwich is for you mommy!” and now I’m crying (while eating said sandwich).

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@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I just opened a water bottle and spilled it on myself while trying to take a swig and then choked on the few drops I was able to take in which of course then led me to pee a little so let me know if you’re looking for a new sex symbol.

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@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

I feel like end of the world movies have done a shitty job preparing me for how much drinking and snacking I’d be doing.

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Snarky Mommy

@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

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@SnarkyMommy78

4 years

Everyone’s worried about a potential microchip in the vaccine, but I’m not. I just hope the government knows what it’s in for cuz I can get pretty wild. I mean, watching me do laundry, overeat pasta, and read llama llama red pajama 36 times in a row is not for the faint of heart.

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