NOT A WOLF @SICKOFWOLVES Twitter profile

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

1 year

THIS IS OLD BUT I AM PINNING IT WOW SORRY

Dan Sheehan

@ItsDanSheehan

2 years

After making the mid-year list, my book made it onto @Vulture 's Top 10 Comedy Books of 2021 alongside the work of a lot of comedy writers I really admire and I'm real happy about it

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

1 year

A BILLIONAIRE STUCK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN? SURELY HE CAN PULL HIMSELF UP BY CUTTING DOWN ON UNNECESSARY SPENDING AND PICKING UP A SIDE HUSTLE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

I HATE BEING QUARANTINED STUCK IN ONE STUPID BUILDING ALL THE TIME I WOULD RATHER GO BETWEEN THE SAME TWO OR THREE BUILDINGS REPEATEDLY DOING THE SAME ACTIVITIES IN AN ALMOST IDENTICAL ORDER NOW THATS LIVING

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

LISTEN I WOULD LOVE TO GRAB A DRINK TONIGHT BUT I WILL BE BUSY OPENING AND CLOSING THE SAME THREE APPS OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL I GO TO SLEEP

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

NOTHING QUITE LIKE CHOKING ON THE AIR UNDER A BLOOD RED SKY TO GET YOU EXCITED ABOUT GRADUAL, MARKET-BASED SOLUTIONS TO CLIMATE CHANGE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

SURE THE STATE I LIVE IN IS EXPERIENCING HISTORICALLY DANGEROUS WILDFIRE CONDITIONS BUT AT LEAST THERE IS NOT SOME SORT OF EXPLOSION-CENTRIC HOLIDAY COMING UP

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

YOU LIBERAL FOOLS SIMPLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A CLASSIC CASE OF TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS IN WHICH I GET EXCITED THAT MY BOSS HAS MORE MONEY AND MY SON DIES BECAUSE I COULDN'T AFFORD INSULIN

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

THIS YEAR HAS FELT LIKE THE POLITICAL EQUIVALENT OF WHEN A BIRD GETS INSIDE THE HOUSE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

"AH YES, THE BAD YEAR IS NEARLY OVER" I SAID FOOLISHLY FOR THE FOURTH YEAR IN A ROW, UNAWARE OF WHAT FRESH HORRORS 2019 WOULD BRING

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

ITS NOT CLIMATE CHANGE ITS A REGIONALLY CURATED SUBSCRIPTION BOX OF ARTISINAL APOCALYPSES

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

I AM CONCERNED THAT THE RISING TIDE OF FASCISM, RAMPANT PLAGUE, AND EXISTENTIAL THREAT OF CLIMATE CHANGE HAVE EFFECTED MY ABILITY TO EFFECTIVELY PERFORM DATA ENTRY

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

START YOUR WEEKEND OFF RIGHT BY SPRINTING INTO THE WOODS WITH NO INTENTION OF RETURNING

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

PLEASE REMEMBER TO REMAIN AS CIVIL AS POSSIBLE AS YOU ARE BEING TORN LIMB FROM LIMB BY WILD DOGS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

UGH I AM HAVING SUCH A CLASSIC HUMAN DAY I GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC I RAN SO MANY ERRANDS THROUGH MY LACK OF ACTION I PASSIVELY ALLOWED FOR THE CONTINUATION OF THE PRISON INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX AND BUDDY YOU KNOW I DRANK TOO MUCH COFFEE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

LET 2018 BE THE YEAR IN WHICH YOU LEARN TO ACCEPT PRAISE FROM THOSE THAT LOVE YOU AND STOP STRIVING FOR THE APPROVAL OF A PACK OF WILD DOGS THAT ROAMS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AT NIGHT

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

MOVING IS AWESOME I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

IF YOU DO ENOUGH UNPAID OVERTIME YOU GET A TOMBSTONE THAT SAYS GREAT TEAM MEMBER

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

I LOVE STARTUP CULTURE WE HAVE OFFICE BEER THEY GAVE ME A JACKET I CANNOT AFFORD MEDICINE AND I GET TO WORK LATE TONIGHT OOH PINBALL

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

OH SO IM JUST SUPPOSED TO ENJOY GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME INSTEAD OF LIVING IN FEAR THAT THEYLL TURN TO DUST IN MY HANDS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

MILLENNIALS ARE KILLING APPLEBEES MILLENNIALS ARE KILLING DIAMONDS AND NEXT WE COME FOR GOD

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

IT'S BEEN A YEAR I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH FOR EXAMPLE: I AM TIRED AND MY HAIRCUT IS BAD WELCOME BACK TO MARCH EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

IF YOU SPRINT INTO THE WOODS ON DECEMBER 31ST AT SUNDOWN YOU WILL FORGET THAT TIME EVER MATTERED TO YOU BY MIDNIGHT KEEP RUNNING YOU ARE FINALLY FREE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

A BILLIONAIRE IS GOING TO USE THE WORD "WEALTHPHOBIC" ON TV WITHIN THIS CALENDAR YEAR

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CRITICIZE PARENTS FOR BEING ANTI VAX I GUESS. THEY COULD SEND THE KID TO SCHOOL WITH A LIVE SNAKE IF THEY WANTED YOU HAVE TO LET THEM BECAUSE ALL PARENTS ARE BRILLIANT HEROES JUST BECAUSE THEY HAD SEX ONE TIME AND CAN READ BAD ARTICLES BY THEMSELVES

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

BACK TO SCHOOL OR IF YOU ARE AN ADULT THE WHEEL CONTINUES RELENTLESSLY SPINNING LARGELY WITHOUT CHANGE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

I AM SUCH A MILLENNIAL I LOVE SELFIES I AM OBSESSED WITH PHO I AM BLAMED FOR THE FLAWS OF A WORLD BROKEN BY MY AGING PREDECESSORS APPS!

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

YOU WILL NEVER BE A BILLIONAIRE BUT THERE'S STILL TIME TO SEE WHAT THEY TASTE LIKE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

ONE NATION UNDER WATER EVERYBODYS DEAD

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

HELLO ITS ME THE GUY WHO THINKS HE COULD SURVIVE IN A POST APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND EVEN THOUGH I SOIL MYSELF EVERY TIME THEY CAST A WOMAN IN ONE OF MY FAVORITE FILM FRANCHISES I WOULD BE DEAD WITHIN MINUTES OF THE INTERNET GOING OUT

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

TRYING TO PICK MY FAVORITE PART OF BEING A HUMAN -HAVE TO WEAR PANTS PLACES EVEN THOUGH I WAS GIVEN NO CHOICE IN BEING ALIVE -LIVING IN A SOCIETY THAT ACTIVELY ROMANTICIZES SELFISHNESS DESPITE BEING BIOLOGICALLY WIRED TO CRAVE COMMUNITY -UNLIMITED SOUP, SALAD, AND BREADSTICKS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

I HOPE THIS E-MAIL DOES NOT FIND YOU I HOPE YOUR CHAIR HAS GROWN OVER WITH MOSS I HOPE A PLEASANT BUT UNOBSERVED BEAM OF LIGHT HITS YOUR DESK PERFECTLY THROUGH THE COLLAPSED CEILING I HOPE THE SILENCE IS DEAFENING

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

WHAT IF INSTEAD OF BOOING RICH PEOPLE AT SPORTING EVENTS WE MADE BOOING RICH PEOPLE INTO THE SPORTING EVENT

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

PEOPLE WHO FLIP BURGERS DO NOT DESERVE A LIVING WAGE, THE PEOPLE THAT REALLY DESERVE A LIVING WAGE ARE GUYS WHO SIT IN AN OFFICE CHAIR FOR EIGHT HOURS AND COMPLETE ONE SMALL TASK BEFORE STARING OUT THE WINDOW TO THINK ABOUT WHEN THEIR SPOUSE STOPPED LOVING THEM

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

CHIN UP FRIENDS PERHAPS TOMORROW WILL BE BAD BUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

LOVE TO HAVE LIFE FORCIBLY PUT ON PAUSE FOR A YEAR DUE TO THE MYRIAD FLAWS OF MY SOCIETY ONLY TO IMMEDIATELY RETURN TO DOING THINGS MORE OR LESS THE EXACT SAME WAY RIGHT AFTERWARDS NO NOTES I GUESS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

AS WE ALL KNOW, THE PURPOSE OF COMEDY IS TO MAKE THOSE IN POWER HAVE A CHANCE TO RELAX AND FORGET HOW STRESSFUL IT IS TO HAVE ALL THE MONEY

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

2 years

I AM A FREE THINKER NO GODS NO MASTERS JUST A SERIES OF RICH GUYS WHO I TREAT LIKE AN UNCOMFORTABLE MIXTURE OF BOTH GOD AND MASTER OTHER THAN THAT THOUGH ITS ALL ME BABY

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO BED I THINK INSTEAD I WILL DO NOTHING FOR THREE HOURS AND THEN WAKE UP INCREDIBLY TIRED

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

I LOVE THE MODERN WORLD, ALL THE MAIL IS TRASH AND ALL YOUR PHONE CALLS ARE FROM NO ONE BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE YOU GET TO ASSEMBLE YOUR OWN FURNITURE REGARDLESS OF YOUR LEVEL OF CARPENTRY SKILL

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

ONE DAY YOU WILL SEE A BUTT AND SAY MY GOD I DO BELIEVE THAT IS THE BEST BUTT AND YOU WILL HAVE NO HARD EVIDENCE OF THIS FACT AND YET YOU WILL BELIEVE IT ANYWAY AND THAT IS LOVE I THINK

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

STARTING TO THINK THAT A SOCIETY BASED ENTIRELY AROUND EXPLOITING LEGAL AND SEMANTIC LOOPHOLES FOR PROFIT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD IDEA

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

OH BOY I AM SO BUSY I AM RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE I BARELY SLEEP SOCIETY’S FETISHIZATION OF BEING OVERWORKED IS PERPETUATED BY BOSSES TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR ENJOYING YOUR OWN FREE TIME COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!!!

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

THE COLLAPSE OF CIVILIZATION HAS WAY MORE SPIDER-MAN MOVIES THAN I HAD ANTICIPATED

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

UNITY IS WHEN I GET TO CONSISTENTLY ATTEMPT TO DO YOU HARM WITH IMPUNITY BUT IF YOU EVER DO ANYTHING TO TRY TO STOP ME I GET TO SCREAM

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

CAPITALISM KEEPS YOU IN CONSTANT COMPETITION WITH YOUR PEERS TO KEEP YOU FROM THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOUR BOSSES BONES TASTE LIKE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

ON ONE HAND IF A NEW NOTEBOOK WAS GOING TO FIX ME I WOULD KNOW BY NOW BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I HAVE NOT TRIED SPECIFICALLY THIS NOTEBOOK YET

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

THE GOVERNMENT HAS FALLEN NOW IS THE TIME TO DOWNLOAD MUSIC ILLEGALLY AND RIP THOSE TAGS OFF MATTRESSES HAHA ITS FUNNY BECAUSE OUR COUNTRY IS IN CHAOS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

MANY THINK THAT THE BEGINNING OF FALL IS SEPTEMBER 21ST BECAUSE OF SOME SORT OF MOON THING BUT ACTUALLY THE BEGINNING OF FALL IS WHENEVER I CAN BUY A BIG SKELETON AT TARGET

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

HELL YEAH I HAVE TIME OFF FROM WORK YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS I WILL TRY TO RELAX BUT ULTIMATELY END UP INTERNALLY CHASTISING MYSELF FOR NOT USING MY FREE TIME TO CREATE ONE OF SOCIETY'S MOST BELOVED WORKS OF ART

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

CONGRATULATING MYSELF ON YET ANOTHER IMPECCABLE DAY OF SETTING GOALS FOR MYSELF, MAKING A PLAN TO REACH THEM, AND THEN STARING IN SLACK-JAWED CONFUSION AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN AS NOTHING HAPPENS FOR 5 HOURS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

BEING HUMAN IS COOL BECAUSE YOU GET TO ACT LIKE YOU ARE IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE UNIVERSE ITSELF EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE BASICALLY JUST A BIG PIG WHO CAN LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND GET SAD AND STUFF

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

8 years

HELLO YES DOCTOR I HAD A QUESTION I AM EXPERIENCING A PERSISTENT DREAD OH JUST PART OF THE HUMAN PACKAGE HUH OKAY COOL FUN LOVING THIS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

OH WOW ITS ONLY TUESDAY SORRY I READ THE NEWS AND JUST ASSUMED THAT I HAD BEEN ALIVE FOR THOUSANDS OF HORRID YEARS TRAPPED IN MY OWN FLESH

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

ONCE AGAIN REMOVED FROM THE BUSINESS MEETING FOR SAYING "THE GRAVE COMES FOR US ALL" WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE TIMELINE FOR MY PROJECT'S COMPLETION

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

I LOVE OFFICE CULTURE WE SHOULD TOUCH BASE I WILL LOOP YOU IN LET US CIRCLE BACK I EAT BONES SYNERGY WHAT DID I JUST SAY EVEN

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

OH SO IM SUPPOSED TO WRITE NEW TWEETS EVERY TIME THIS COUNTRY DISAPPOINTS ME?

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

2017 HAS BEEN SO MESSED UP THAT I'M SCREAMING "WE DIDN'T ELECT A PEDOPHILE" INSTEAD OF "OBVIOUSLY A PEDOPHILE WOULD NOT HAVE EVEN BEEN IN THE RUNNING FOR THIS POSITION"

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

EARLY TO BED EARLY TO RISE NEITHER HELPS HONESTLY SUCCESS AND FAILURE ARE BASICALLY RANDOM CATCH SOME REST WHILE YOU CAN

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING OHHHHHHHH

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

8 years

MODERN DATING IS DIFFICULT DO I SWIPE RIGHT DO I SWIPE LEFT OR DO I JUST RETURN TO THE WOODS WHERE LIFE HAS ALWAYS MADE SENSE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

TRYING TO DECIDE IF I SHOULD SPEND MY EVENING READING A BOOK OR BROWSING SOCIAL MEDIA FOR TWO HOURS IN STOMACH CHURNING GUILT WHILE THINKING ABOUT HOW I SHOULD READ A BOOK

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

IT IS IMPORTANT TO SPEND YOUR DAY DEFENDING THE ULTRA WEALTHY ONLINE THEY COULD SEE YOUR POST AND DECIDE YOU GET TO BE THE GUY WHO TURNS A CRANK THAT GRINDS HUMAN BEINGS IN A FINE PASTE AND WHEN YOUR DAY IN THE GRINDER COMES, THINK OF WHAT PROUD GOO YOU WILL BE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

REMEMBER IT IS ALWAYS DARKEST JUST BEFORE DAWN EXCEPT DAWN HAPPENS KINDA GRADUALLY AND THEN AT SOME POINT ITS JUST LIKE HAHA WOAH ITS MORNING ANYWAY CHIN UP PAL

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

I LOVE SOME GOOD OLD FASHIONED HUMAN CONSISTENCY WATER IS ALWAYS WET PIZZA IS ALWAYS GOOD NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE IT KILLS WE WILL NEVER HAVE A NUANCED DISCUSSION ABOUT TOXIC MASCULINITY AND HOW IT HURTS US ALL EVEN THE WORST TOM HANKS FILMS WILL STILL BE PRETTY SOLID

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

YOU WILL SURVIVE EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE BUT ONE BUT ALSO YOU DO NOT KNOW WHEN THAT DAY IS AND WHEN IT COMES IT CAN STILL BE REAL SPOOKY LIKE YOU COULD GET PULLED IN HALF BY TWO HAWKS FLYING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS THERE ARE BASICALLY NO RULES FOR DEATH DID THIS HELP

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

VERY NICE OF THE SENATE TO INVITE EVERYONE FACING EVICTION TO COME VISIT THEIR HOMES

Kyle Griffin

@kylegriffin1

4 years

The Senate has adjourned until September 8 without a coronavirus relief deal.

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

SURE MEGACORPORATIONS HAVE KNOWINGLY DRIVEN OUR ECOSYSTEM TO THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE FOR PROFIT BUT DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU TOOK TWO SHOWERS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

I AM SHOCKED TO LEARN THAT THE PACK OF WILD DOGS THAT HAS BEEN TEARING ME LIMB FROM LIMB PLANS TO CONTINUE DOING SO DESPITE MY IMPASSIONED PLEA FOR DECORUM

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

SORRY NO POSTS TODAY I HAD A WEIRD SOCIAL INTERACTION AND MUST NOW REMAIN ABSOLUTELY STILL IN THE DARK UNTIL MONDAY AS PER TRADITION

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

THINKING ABOUT GETTING ONE OF THOSE JOBS WHERE I SURRENDER MY MORALS, MY FREE TIME, AND SOME DEGREE OF MY HUMANITY IN EXCHANGE FOR VERY AVERAGE HEALTH INSURANCE

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

8 years

INSTEAD OF HAVING AN ELECTION HAS ANYONE CONSIDERED SPRINTING INTO THE WOODS AND NEVER RETURNING

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

WOW 2016 IS NEARLY OVER THANK GOD YEARS ARE NOT AN ARBITRARY MARKER OF TIME IN AN UNCARING UNIVERSE THAT EXISTS IN CONSTANT CHAOS PHEW

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

SO NICE TO VISIT HOME HUG YOUR FAMILY SEE YOUR FRIENDS FROM GROWING UP HEAR THAT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH GOT ENGAGED OH GOD TIME IS HURTLING FORWARD AND SHALL NEVER STOP OH COOL MOM MADE BANANA BREAD

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

I'M NOT SURE IF ITS THE ENTIRE CONTINENT ON FIRE OR THE NEW FOREVER WAR ON THE HORIZON BUT I AM SLIGHTLY CONCERNED ABOUT 2020

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

1 year

JUST NOT SURE MY TAX DOLLARS SHOULD BE SUBSIDIZING THIS MAN’S LIFESTYLE CHOICES

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

THRILLED TO JOIN THE NEW YORK TIMES OPINION SECTION WHERE I WILL BE WRITING ABOUT HOW ITS SAFE TO GO IN THE WOODS AT NIGHT

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

SORRY FOR THE LATENESS OF MY REPLY, MY COUNTRY’S CAPITOL BUILDING WAS OVERTAKEN BY EIGHT HUNDRED GUYS NAMED BRENT

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

WAYS TO CLOSE A WORK EMAIL: -LETS TOUCH BASE LATER -I WILL CIRCLE BACK AT EOD -LETS HAVE A SYNC ABOUT THIS WAYS YOU CANNOT: -HAVE A GREAT SUMMER -EVERY MOMENT I AM IN THIS OFFICE IS PAIN -IF ANYBODY SEES BONES IN THE BATHROOM IT IS NOT BECAUSE I ATE ANOTHER TOILET CHICKEN

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

EASY THINGS TO ASK ON A FIRST DATE TO KNOW IF SOMEONE IS WORTH FURTHER INVESTMENT -HOW MANY CHILDREN CAN YOU GIVE BIRTH TO AT ONCE -DO YOU THINK I COULD FIGHT YOUR DAD -WILL YOU ASK ME TO TAKE OFF MY TRENCH COAT -HEY WHAT IS THIS VOID WITHIN ME AND WHY DOES IT GROW DAILY

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

AMAZING NEWS INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FIX MY PROBLEMS I HAVE RESOLVED TO WORRY ABOUT THEM SO MUCH THAT I GET PHYSICALLY ILL

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

3 years

THE MINIMUM WAGE SHOULD BE 30 DOLLARS AND CEOS SHOULD HAVE TO FIGHT IN A THUNDERDOME ONCE A YEAR

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN YOU AND A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP IS A NEW PILLOW AND THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE NOT FELT TRULY SAFE SINCE CHILDHOOD

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

NAZIS: MURDEROUS, RACIST, APPARENTLY WORTHY OF WARM PROFILE PIECES WOLVES: STATISTICALLY NOT A THREAT, VERY COOL, APPARENTLY LEGAL TO MURDER

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

TODAY WE CELEBRATE FAMILY AND TOGETHERNESS BUT TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT I WILL SCREAM CAPITALISMS TRUE NAME AS I CLOTHESLINE SOMEBODYS FATHER FOR A NINTENDO SWITCH

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

IN DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS YOU CAN BE ANYONE A WARRIOR A CLERIC ALLOWED BACK INTO BENIHANA THE SKY IS THE LIMIT

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

STOP SEEING YOURSELF AS THE PROTAGONIST IN A MOVIE AND START SEEING YOURSELF AS A BAG OF MEAT THAT HAS ROUGHLY 80 YEARS TO GET DINNER WITH ITS FRIENDS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

LOVE LIVING IN A COUNTRY WHERE RICH PEOPLES DUMB KIDS HAVE A LITERAL MOUNTAIN OF CHANCES TO SUCCEED WITHOUT DEBT OR CONSEQUENCE BUT IF I MISS A PAYMENT ON A MEDICAL BILL THEY GET TO BREAK MY KNEES OR WHATEVER

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

ARGUE WITH THE PRESIDENT ALL YOU WANT BUT THERE IS NOTHING MORE AMERICAN THAN BLINDLY FOLLOWING A DUMB RICH GUY INTO HELL BECAUSE YOU WANNA DO MORE EXPENSIVE RACISM THAN USUAL

20

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

ITS THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES! FEATURING YOUR FAVORITE EVENTS TRYING TO GET OUT OF BED ARE YOU SICK OR JUST KINDA TIRED? LUGE GETTING NOTHING DONE BETWEEN THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS AND REPEATEDLY SAYING "OH THATS JUST THE HOLIDAYS" EVEN THOUGH ITS ABSOLUTELY YOUR FAULT

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

LOVE THIS PERIOD OF TIME WHERE EVERYONE AGREES THAT WE ARE THROWING IN THE TOWEL ON ANY ATTEMPTS AT PERSONAL IMPROVEMENT UNTIL THE NEW YEAR VOWING TO SPEND THE LAST SIX DAYS OF THE YEAR IN AN UNAPOLOGETIC BACCHANAL OF EXCESS

30

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

SURE ANIMALS USUALLY DIE BECAUSE SOMETHING IS EATING THEM OR WHATEVER BUT AT LEAST THEY NEVER LIE AWAKE AND WONDER IF THEY SHOULD HAVE GONE TO GRAD SCHOOL

31

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

BRUNCH IS WONDERFUL I GET TO SHARE A MEAL WITH THREE OF MY BEST FRIENDS AND A STRANGER ONE OF THEM SLEPT WITH AND SOMEONE I SECRETLY HATE

28

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

109

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

WORKING AS A FREELANCER IS GREAT BECAUSE IF I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE TO STRESS SCREAM I CAN ABSOLUTELY DO THAT BECAUSE I MAKE MY OWN HOURS

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

5 years

HABITS OF HIGHLY PRODUCTIVE PEOPLE -GET UP AT 4 AM -DRINK TEA -LIE -JUST TWEET LIES NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU DO -WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TOPSOIL WHO CARES MAN -EAT A HEALTHY BREAKFAST

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

4 years

LOVE WHEN SOMEONE TELLS ME "DON'T THINK SO MUCH" LIKE OH MAN THANK YOU I WILL JUST GO AHEAD AND SET MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE TO OCEAN SOUNDS INSTEAD OF WORRY MAN I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT

18

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

6 years

WHENEVER I WORRY ABOUT EVERYONE BEING MAD AT ME I JUST REMEMBER THAT THEY DONT THINK ABOUT ME AT ALL AND THEN MY WORRY BLOSSOMS INTO A BEAUTIFUL NEW EMOTION I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS WET FEAR

23

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NOT A WOLF

@SICKOFWOLVES

7 years

WHY STOP AT CONFEDERATES TEAR DOWN EVERY STATUE CRUSH YOUR IDOLS TO DUST UNDERSTAND THAT NO MAN SHOULD LIVE FOREVER

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