Tim Vine @RealTimVine Twitter profile

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 days

He’s back. July 17th. Half Moon Putney. On sale now.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

I may look at this picture every day for the rest of my life. 😊

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Dear BBC, The FA cup final should be a 3pm kick off and the build up should start at 8.30am in the car parks of the team hotels, followed by live footage of the players eating breakfast. Please cover this event properly like you used to. Regards, Every single living football fan.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

I’ve just seen my favourite ever Javelin build up.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

BREAKING NEWS. Tim Vine steps down.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

1 year

About 2 weeks ago Motty came to a match at Sutton United. I had the honour of sitting next to him. I remember a moment of goal mouth action and on my right I heard ‘ohh’. The classic Motty exclamation. Made me beam with joy. To my generation he was the voice of football. RIP x

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

If I was Wayne Rooney I would have named at least one of my children Fabba.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Very sad to hear about Sean Lock. One of my absolute favourite comics. Always always made me laugh. RIP Sean. X

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Sorry I can’t turn it off!! #snow #Snowing

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

5 months

I did it. With about 15 minutes to spare I think. The hand mirror split screen idea could catch on I reckon. Unless you want to go for 18s. Happy New Year everyone! #Onehour180challenge

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

I did this on Dropbox.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

I had a pet clay pigeon. I made the mistake of calling him Paul.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

In the past whenever something seismic happened to this country we would receive a word of encouragement to us from our Queen. 💔

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Edinburgh 2006. This cost me a bit but it was easier than writing a show.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

Just a little story about Barry Cryer’s generosity of spirit. After the first of my radio 4 chat shows finished the phone immediately rang. It was Barry telling me how much he enjoyed it. He was always encouraging and always funny. And crikey, what an amazing career. RIP Barry x

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Morning everyone. Have a lovely day. @richardosman @GethincJones @VickNHope @Nicki_Chapman #HouseofGames

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Well I think we can agree I’ve totally nailed the ‘take me seriously’ book shelf.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

I had a dream last night I was stuck driving round a roundabout. With my right hand I was steering, with my left hand I was making a pancake. All night tossing and turning.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

I paid my respects to The Queen yesterday. A profound experience. And the 7 and a half hour journey to Westminster Hall was made a very enjoyable one by these 8 lovely people I met in the queue. Danny, Frances, Jill, Gareth, Lisa, Mike, Sam, Lauren.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

1 year

Just got arrested for shoplifting at Waterstones. Not my fault. I asked if they had any spare books and they said yes.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

So very shocked and sad to hear that Bobby Ball has died. Such a funny funny man. To be on the receiving end of that twinkly smile was pure joy. I send my love to his family. X

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

5 years

SAXAphone.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

These new Cornettos are getting ridiculous.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

1 year

A bit of eye candy.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

6 years

I wish Bobby Robson was still alive to react to this. I've gone all bleary eyed after the BBC just played that 1990 recap.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

True story: My Mum was in a lift after shopping. Also there a man with a bunch of roses. They chat. The man says he buys roses every Friday for his partner. My Mum says that her partner, my Dad, died 4 years ago. As man leaves he gives Mum a rose. Some lovely people in the world.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Me and Lee Mack had a great time at the Rock on Bobby Ball dinner last night in Blackpool, honouring the brilliant and much missed Bobby Ball. We love you Bobby!

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

As it’s a Panini sticker year here’s a reminder what you can do with all your swaps.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Actually I’ve written the first line to my autobiography..... ‘I was the best of Tims and I was the worst of Tims’.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Keep going everyone. There’s a kite at the end of the funnel.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Phillip Schofield: “Welcome to the greatest show on ice.” My Mum: “It’s the ONLY show on ice isn’t it?”

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

I get the same reaction as Anton after watching Rose dance. Don’t ask me to talk for at least five minutes after she’s finished. #strictly

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

Oh my word whaaaaaaat a start. That made me laugh and cry. That was even more of a buzz than when she was with Bond in 2012 and jumped out of the helicopter. I loved that! #TheQueenandPaddington

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

As you can see since isolation I’ve grown a beer.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

Why don’t we go back to the system where we vote for the prime minister and they have a go for about four years and then we vote for the next one. What’s all this nonsense in between?

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

This had to be said.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

This bloke said to me, he said can you tell me your availability to run a football team in Sheffield? I said I can’t manage Wednesday.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

1 year

It’s happened! Someone is building a nest in my repositioned Christmas wreath (with central nesting box.) Can anyone tell me what type of bird this is?

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

I might watch the US election coverage on Russia Today. I presume they’ll get the results before everyone else.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

My prayers are with Her Majesty. When she goes it’s going to be like someone removing the Moon.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

1 year

I haven’t written a lot of fan mail in my life but I once wrote to Terry Hall. So many brilliant songs and such a cool front man. RIP to a total original.X.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

Can we stick to English words? #wordle

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

I’ve dropped an album.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Goodnight everyone. One of the advantages of longer lockdown hair is you can try different styles.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

9 months

I mean…..different times I suppose.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Have a word with yourself.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 months

RIP David Soul. A genuine childhood hero. I met him once in my mid thirties and got him to sign my poster.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Sheepy Uppy.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Anyone else keeping your mask on sometimes when you don’t have to, just to keep your chin warm?

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Rugby, leave this to me.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

8 months

Any ideas?

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Let’s be honest, despite all the naysayers and how close it came to just getting called off altogether, Japan delivered a fantastic Olympics.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Bit of eye candy.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Very sad to hear Des O’Connor has died. Despite being a big star he was always so encouraging and friendly whenever I met him. And as a comic when you appeared on his shows he made you feel like you were the funniest person in the world. A lovely man.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

For your information.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

A bit of home schooling for you.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

I love that Tyrone Mings used to be a mortgage advisor. Statistically there must be somebody watching that game who went ‘Hang on a minute, that’s our mortgage advisor’.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

I’ve always liked Bill Bailey. About once every ten years we have a chat in a dressing room or a zoo or something. He’s coming across so well on Strictly. I found that opening dance brilliant, uplifting and moving. #strictly #billbailey

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

1 year

He certainly will be missed. There’s a positivity and a life enhancing friendliness to Ken Bruce on the radio that is deeply reassuring. As soon as you hear his voice all is right with the world.

BBC Radio 2

@BBCRadio2

1 year

We have some news… After 31 years of presenting the 9:30am-midday weekday show Ken Bruce has decided to leave. We’re going to miss you lots Ken and want to congratulate you on a fantastic career at the BBC. 🧡

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Stir crazy.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

THE TOWEL IN THE FREEZER MYTH EXPOSED.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

So I said to Arnold Schwarzenegger, I said “what’s your favourite Christian festival?” He said “you have to love Easter baby.” @Schwarzenegger

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Ahem....Not strictly true dear bro. I joined 10 minutes late and stayed for about 25 minutes but as they say in Journalism ‘Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.’

Jeremy Vine

@theJeremyVine

4 years

I forgot to join our family Zoom on Monday. As it happened, unusually, my brother and sister forgot too. So my mum rang into the meeting and sat just staring at a picture of herself for half an hour. Heart broken 💔

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

1 year

Still waiting for the emergency call.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

It’s amazing to think that if King Charles is on the throne for 20 years then Prince William will become King aged 60. It makes you realise how rare it is for a monarch to ascend to the throne as young as our Queen did.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

It’s the height I’ve put on during lockdown that’s really surprised me.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

I’ve ordered a Dominos. They’re falling over themselves to get to me. ......(sort of works.)

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

The Tim Vine Sutton United song. We’re going to a Wembley final on Sunday. I had to do it. #suttonunited @PapaJohnsTrophy @suttonunited

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

5 years

I’ve got a shoe in one hand and some polish in the other. It’s my time to shine.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

6 years

I feel 7% emotional, 35% it's coming home and 58% I can't cope.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

This is how it concluded. It took about 40 minutes. Thanks for watching. #180VineWatchLIVE

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Is that a level croissant?

James Ridge

@mrjamesridge

4 years

I told my wife that @RealTimVine could come up with a pun for this. Best I could manage was 'meals on wheels'...😔

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

I took part in the suntan Olympics. I got bronze.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Have a lovely day everyone.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

Watching the Sue Barker tribute…. I’ve got something in my eye. And coincidentally the other eye too.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

Now my telly is definitely on the blink. I just saw Lee Mack scoring a penalty.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

11 months

A beautiful painting by my sister @sonyavineartist

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

He would have been 87 today.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

A great moment there. The commentator said “if you don’t want to know the Croatian result, look away now”. He then proceeded to SAY the result.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

For pure symmetry I think I may have just thrown the best 180 of my life.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

2 years

MVG is out. Spaces are appearing in the World Darts draw. #PDCWorldChampionship @OfficialPDC

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

I don’t often show off my socks but look at these!

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

So just to clarify the reason for the red card. ‘His feet were above the ground’. I must say, in all my years of watching football I’ve never seen a tackle where the player’s feet are BELOW the ground. #SUIESP

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

Spending the morning at headquarters.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

I completely agree. I have always loved this joke.

Darren Richman

@darrenrichman

4 years

Airplane II with the greatest visual joke of all time

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

I love BBC4. It teaches me stuff. I’d keep BBC4 and drop the 24 hour News channels. News a couple of times a day is enough. Morning and evening. Chuck one in at lunch time as well if you’re desperate.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

4 years

If Biden wins I just thought of a headline. ‘BIDEN. HIS TIME.’

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

If football IS coming home it can stay in the front garden for a bit and have a long hard look at itself.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

I had Astra Zeneca. After 1st jab I had no reaction and after second jab I also had no reaction. I’m thinking of going again but this time taking off my puffer jacket.

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Tim Vine

@RealTimVine

3 years

Ten years ago today Peter Falk died. Columbo. The greatest detective series on tv ever.