Amanda @Pandamoanimum Twitter profile

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Amanda

6 years

Twitter 2009. I like apples. I like pears. That’s cool. Yeah. Twitter 2018. I like apples. So you’re anti pears then. No, I just prefer apples. So you hate pears. I never said that. Fucking pear hater. I don’t hate pears! Yes you do. You make me sick. Scum.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

THE ELEPHANT ALSO PUTS THE HAT ON ITS OWN HEAD. THE ELEPHANT MAKES A JOKE AND PRETENDS TO WEAR THE HAT AND I THINK MY HEART JUST BURST.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

No matter how many times I watch this video, it makes me laugh every single time. [sound up]

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

5 years

I added Aerosmith ft. Run DMC to this video of the shadow of a millipede walking and it has amused me more than it should have done.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

Woman in Tesco put a divider down on the conveyer belt for the man behind her at the checkout. He didn’t say thank you so she picked it up and put it back and, to be honest, that’s the level of pettiness I can absolutely get behind.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

Tesco delivery driver arrives. I put my barking dog in another room. Him: What dog is it? Me: A chocolate lab. Him: Will she run out the front door? Me: No. She’ll just get in the way. Him: I don’t mind her being in the way. Me: Would you like to see the dog? Him: Yes please.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

5 years

Want to feel old? This is what Macaulay Culkin looks like now.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

Pedro Pascal as Easter Eggs. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

As the weather is so hot I asked the Hermes delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. When he said yes I dropkicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

Pedro Pascal as mushrooms. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

My son has a dentist appointment at 2.30pm tomorrow. At only 17 he has already achieved the dental joke dream I’ve been striving to reach for 46 years.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Liz Truss - Gone. Lettuce - Romaine.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

Angela Lansbury as teapots. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

“I want a heart.” “I want courage.” “If I only had a brain.”

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

As Catherine Tate is trending, because of the way Nadine Dorries behaved in her interview, this had to be done.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

“We now go live to 10 Downing Street.”

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

My favourite thing about Christmas morning is the look of joy on my husband's face when he sees what we bought the kids for the first time.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 month

Just met 4 dachshunds in the park called Gary, Steve, Kevin and Dave, and my day improved by approximately 659%

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

A man I sometimes chat to in the park when walking our dogs was telling me this morning about his new rescue chickens. He pretty much made my day when he told me he’d called them Hen Solo, Jabba the Cluck, Obi-Hen Kenobi and Princess Layer.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Me coming home from the pub so pissed that I try to make myself some toast using my handbag instead of the toaster.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

Loved this moment in the Queen’s speech.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

Piers Fucking Morgan tweeting to say how horrendous it is that Caroline Flack committed suicide when he spends literally every single day vilifying women on social media, on TV and in the press is actually not shocking because that’s the kind of hypocritical parasitic scum he is.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

7 years

My daughter is called 'Bins out on Tuesday mornings'

Katie Hopkins

@KTHopkins

12 years

My daughter is called Poppy. So I won't forget... Will you?

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

6 years

*Gets in taxi* Brain: Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Mouth: Been busy tonight, mate? Brain: WHAT DID I JUST FUCKING TELL YOU?!

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Last Christmas my 84 year old father-in-law, who had lost his wife of over 50 years just 4 months previously, spent Christmas Day all alone, because we were all following the rules set out by Boris Johnson. Last Christmas Boris Johnson Had. A. Fucking. Christmas. Party.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

10 months

Ryan Gosling as geese. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

Prince as birds. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

My poor husband. It must be bloody awful to have a condition that apparently stops him from being able to shut a cupboard door after he’s opened it.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

Just seen a thread about what people have for breakfast on Christmas Day and am a bit perplexed. You’re going to have an enormous lunch so why the big fancy breakfast? For breakfast you just eat your Selection Box, some Quality Street and maybe a bit of Chocolate Orange.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

8 years

This photo of Donald Trump's mum looks like a character in a film about Trump's life where Trump plays all the roles

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

It makes a change for Prince Andrew to be in the news for something positive.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

During self-isolation Dogs: OH MY GOD YOU’RE HERE ALL DAY AND THIS IS THE BEST AS I CAN LOVE YOU AND SEE YOU AND BE WITH YOU AND FOLLOW YOU AND I AM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED BECAUSE YOU ARE THE GREATEST AND I LOVE YOU BEING HERE SO MUCH! Cats: What the fuck you still doing here?

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Me watching a film 1. Start watching 2. Wonder what I’ve seen one of the actors in before 3. Google actor 4. Go to IMDb/their Wikipedia page 5. Find out every detail of their entire life 6. Realise I’ve completely missed the plot of the film and have no idea what’s going on

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

Just over 3 years later and I still ❤️ Brenda.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

As Lucozade is trending, I’d just like to say that I still absolutely stand by the fact that you can roughly determine the age of someone by whether they see Lucozade as a sport energy drink or something their mum let them have as a kid when they were poorly.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

The 2022 John Lewis ad will be a family burning their belongings for heat and to cook a rat for Christmas dinner while sadly looking at a photo of grandad who sacrificed his life for a packet of value pasta as a breathy slow version of ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ by D:Ream plays

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

Whoops.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

I find it hard to believe people are voting to keep Matt Hancock in #ImACelebrity but then I remember this is the same country that voted for Brexit, Boris Johnson, and Mrs Brown’s Boys as best comedy at the National Television Awards and realise I can actually totally believe it

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

Mrs Brown's Boys beating Derry Girls and Fleabag at the National Television Awards is yet another example of why the British public shouldn’t be allowed to vote for things. #NTAs

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

6 years

Just found there’s an orchid called ‘The Naked Man’ because, well, that’s what it looks like and I’m not even going to pretend that it hasn’t amused me.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Boris Johnson as skips. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

David Bowie as drills. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Going to sleep at night. Me: Gets into bed. Adjusts pillows. Wonders what to do with my arms. Too warm. Puts one leg out of covers. Worries about leg grabbing monster. Tries to sleep. Brain reminds me of every stupid thing I’ve ever done. Husband: Gets into bed. Goes to sleep.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

24 days

It's 8 years today since Prince died. So a reminder again of this, because sometimes sadness can still bring laughter.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

Noel Fielding as cakes. A thread. #GBBO

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

One year on and I still ❤️ Brenda.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Drives into petrol station. Drives to pump 4. Fills up car and checks it’s pump 4. Walks into petrol station to pay for pump 4. Thinks to self: It’s pump 4 It’s pump 4 It’s pump 4 It’s pump 4 It’s pump 4 It’s pump 4 Cashier: What pump number? Me:

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

Ryan Reynolds as gin bottles. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

Lucozade is trending, so I’d just like to say that I still absolutely stand by the fact that you can roughly determine the age of someone by whether they see Lucozade as a sport energy drink or something their mum let them have as a kid when they were poorly.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

9 people at my dad’s funeral. No wake. I couldn’t even hug my crying sister. 30 people at my grandad’s funeral. Had to sit 6ft apart wearing masks. I had to watch my mother-in-law’s funeral via a video link. Because we were following the rules set by the people who did this.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

I still haven’t had Covid. Slowly starting to feel like the final girl in a horror movie.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

For anyone who has ever missed a parcel delivery. This is spot on (and hilarious)

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

And it seems to me you lived your life like a

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Dolly Parton as Easter eggs. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

“OMG, do you remember the way he ate that sandwi…what? Why are you making that face at me? Shit. He’s behind me isn’t he…”

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

3 years ago today my dad died of a stroke. We were only allowed to have 9 people at his funeral. We weren’t allowed a wake. I wasn’t allowed to hug my crying sister. We followed ALL the rules. But Boris Johnson didn’t. He is a fucking liar and we won’t ever forget or forgive.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

I have watched this video multiple times over the years and it still makes me laugh every single time. [sound up]

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

In this heat, pretend you're on holiday abroad by drinking beer at 8am and then going to Asda wearing a bikini and flip flops to buy 4 giant bags of crisps and a bottle of water.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

Mark Hamill as moths. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

6 years

Confirmed as true by Aldi. So let's get the word out. And, come on the rest of the supermarkets, do your bit too!

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

Prince as caterpillars. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Not going to pretend I’m not happy that Piers Morgan’s TV show last night got an average of 24,000 viewers (and ended with 10,000) and the ridiculous video I made of the final dance in Dirty Dancing (but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune) is currently at 4.7M views.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

Sir David Attenborough as insects. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

7 years

I hope the tax dodging cast members of Mrs Brown's Boys are ashamed of what they've done. And also for the tax dodging.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

I ♥️ Greta Thunberg.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

Marcus Rashford may have missed that penalty but he’s done a bloody good job of being a prime minister.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Tell me you were a teenage girl in the 90s without telling me you were a teenage girl in the 90s.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

7 years

This policeman dancing with kids. ❤️ #OneLoveManchester

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

6 years

Heard a little girl in Sainsbury’s crying because she can’t choose between two Easter eggs and doesn’t want to wake up in the morning and realise she made a huge mistake, and I totally appreciate where she’s coming from.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

It’s that time of year again when the people who design Father’s Day cards are convinced dads only like football, golf, gardening, racing cars, cricket, beer, fishing, ties or farting.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

Someone suggested that I added Stayin' Alive to this video of a bird walking, so I did.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

“What did you do when Keir Starmer suggested having a 2 week lockdown?” “I ridiculed him.” “What are you doing now, Boris?” “Having a 4 week lockdown.”

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

As it's Tom Baker's 88th birthday today here, again, is his quote when asked his one biggest Doctor Who memory.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 months

Me: Opens Twitter. Starts reading a tweet at the top of my timeline. Twitter: OH NO YOU FUCKING DON’T. REFRESH! REFRESH! REFRESH! YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO FIND THAT TWEET EVER AGAIN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Someone on a local Facebook page is selling tickets to a Freddie Mercury night and a person has replied asking if it’s a tribute act and I truly deserve some sort of award for not making a comment.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

The opening credits to Fireman Sam but I’ve replaced the theme tune with 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

7 years

As Daniel Craig has confirmed he'll be playing Bond again, feels apt to look at the best acting by an extra in a background scene again.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

The “Call me” hand signal at the end is just [chef’s kiss gif]

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

I’m nearly 46 and, even though it’s only a quid, I still automatically think of Vienetta as being a bit of a posh pudding.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

4 years

Jeff Goldblum as fish. A thread.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

3 years

The 2021 John Lewis ad will show a family burning their belongings for heat and to cook a rat they caught for dinner whilst sadly looking at a photo of grandad who sacrificed his life for a litre of petrol as a breathy slow version of ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ by D:Ream plays.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

6 years

It's 2 years today since Prince died. So a reminder of this, because sometimes sadness can still bring laughter.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

6 years

I still stand by the fact that you can roughly determine the age of someone by whether they see Lucozade as a sport energy drink or something their mum let them have as a kid when they were poorly.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

I ❤️ Greta Thunberg so damn much.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

6 years

The woman in Tesco who just hissed, through gritted teeth, “I’ll give you an unexpected item in the baggage area in a minute, you little bitch”at the self-service checkout is my new hero.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

I saw this on Facebook and have watched it roughly 87 times, so far. [sound UP]

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

6 years

Aldi is still the worst place to pop into for milk as it’s inevitable you’ll leave with a German sausage, a 48 piece spanner set, a ski suit, a garden bench, a flamethrower and a zebra.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

As the weather has been getting warmer I’ve started going through my summer stuff, and basically the only things that still fit me are my handbags.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

One of my favourite things I’ve read is that sometimes in films dogs have to be given CGI tails if they’re supposed to be acting angry or mean because they’re so happy that they’re doing a good job that they can’t keep their tails from wagging.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

“Nadine, Nadine, Nadine, Nadine, I'm begging of you please don't take my man.”

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

The dance scene from Pulp Fiction but they're dancing to the Only Fools and Horses closing theme tune.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

“Why have you done fuck all work today?” “Well you see it was really windy and there was this bloke at the airport live streaming the planes landing, right…"

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

1 year

Just found my new hero.

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Amanda

@Pandamoanimum

2 years

Tatler’s social media person arrives home and starts cooking their dinner, smiling at their productive day on Twitter. As they reach for an onion, a small frown appears on their face. With their pasta water bubbling away they suddenly scream “FUCK! WE FORGOT ABOUT THERESA MAY!”

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