Ken Clarke (Parody) @MrKennethClarke Twitter profile

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Dear @BorisJohnson , I hear Rwanda is a lovely place to spend your retirement. Ken

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@stw_pdg

Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

6 years

I've been sat up in bed for hours, whisky on the bedside table, soft jazz playing in the background, trying to think if I've ever worked with a more idiotic bunch of self centred bastards in my nearly 50 years as a MP. Nope, still can't think of any. Time for another bottle.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

6 years

My better plan for Brexit: Remain

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

If the answer is Boris Johnson, you haven’t understood the question.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Just bumped into Suella Braverman who said to me “traitors like you are why we are in this mess.” She didn’t like it when I asked her to put that into an email.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

4 years

Surprised to hear the Chancellor calling for musicians to retrain and get new jobs when you look at what a mess the singer Dido is making of NHS Track & Trace.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Quite a sight in Parliament. Nadine Dorries is hysterical and attacking colleagues. Jacob Rees-Mogg is trying to calm her down and has poured her a whisky in the tea room repeating the words “Que Sera, Sera.” I’m in the corner with a glass of champagne trying not to laugh.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

BREAKING: The Government.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Reports are coming in that the Brexit Bus has run out of fuel.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Sir Jonathan Van-Tam to leave his role as England's deputy chief medical officer. Let’s hope Boris Johnson follows the science.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I can’t get a train (strikes), plane (Brexit) or use my car (petrol prices) tomorrow. Can I borrow your horse and cart please @Jacob_Rees_Mogg ?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Does anyone else wake up sometimes in complete disbelief that Boris Johnson is our Prime Minister? I suspect Boris himself does. The man couldn’t run a bath.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

It must come as a surprise to Brexiteers that countries, who are members of the EU, can make unilateral decisions to the close their borders to the UK. Minds blown!

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Sir Gavin Williamson, for services to himself.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Michael Fabricant thinks Boris Johnson didn’t break any rules with the Downing Street party held in May 2020, but he also told me his hair isn’t a wig so I don’t know what to believe.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Here we bloody go. Theresa get the Abba music on and the champagne on ice!

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

4 years

I remember going on a night out with Matt Hancock some years ago. He promised that he would be able to drink 10 pints, great I thought. On the 4th round he left saying he had the capacity for 10, not that he would actually drink 10. His round too at that point, tight bastard.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Building Nightingales with no staff is like building a pub with no booze. Utterly pointless and expensive.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

The government is set to relax immigration rules to help fill the vast number of job vacancies in the UK. Why did we leave the EU again?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

The EU price cap on gas is £37 per mega watt hour. The UK is £263.79 per mega watt hour. A Brexit dividend for energy companies shareholders. #Brexit

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I think it’s wrong that Krishnan Guru-Murthy has been suspended for reporting facts.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Loud Abba music can be heard from Theresa May’s parliamentary office.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Sorry, but I don’t think they’re going to make a ‘Billy Elliot’ type film out of your Winchester College, Oxford, Hedge Fund, marry billionaire daughter story mate. Get on with the job.

Rishi Sunak

@RishiSunak

3 years

Growing up I never thought I would be in this job (mainly because I wanted to be a Jedi). I'm honoured that on this day last year the PM asked me to serve as Chancellor. It's been incredibly tough but thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I’m shocked, disgusted and appalled that Boris Johnson remains our Prime Minister tonight.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

I’ve just bumped into Dominic Raab in central lobby so I smiled and said “good morning former Foreign Secretary”. “Oh f**k off Ken!” He replied. Still not over it then.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Boris Johnson didn’t reply to Nadine Dorries’ WhatsApp message last night and she can see that he read it. Awkward.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Suella Braverman is remarkably self assured for someone who is widely regarded as the worst Attorney General in history.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Hasta la vista tosser.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

4 years

Will the last rat leaving the sinking ship apologise to the nation for the mess that they made?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Brexiteers, is the penny dropping yet? #ProjectReality

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Energy price hikes, empty shelves, chronic labour shortages, tax rises, rampant inflation and not a mad hatters tea party in sight. Where is the Brexit Wonderland we were promised?!

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Energy shortages, water shortages, rapid inflation, higher interest rates, a damaging Brexit, polio back with a vengeance and a Prime Minister chilling in the gardens of his taxpayer funded homes. I did say he’d be useless didn’t I?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Great to see Michael Gove launching a ‘don’t take drugs’ campaign on BBC Breakfast this morning.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

5 years

I’ve been called all sorts of things as a MP; a fool, a cretin, a moron, a half-wit, a dunce, a simpleton, a dimwit, a dummy, a jackass, a pea-brain, a dipstick, a donkey, a numpty, a muppet, a plonker, a berk, a prat, a wally, a knobhead and that’s just from Margaret Thatcher.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I understand Lord Frost has resigned to spend more time criticising the wholly inadequate Brexit deal.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

4 years

Almost 3 million unemployed and we can't get any of them to pick fruit & veg? Where are all these hard working people who voted for Brexit? Sat at home shaking their heads saying "bloody foreigners coming over here to put food on our plates" probably. Time for a large whisky.

BBC Politics

@BBCPolitics

4 years

Eastern European farm workers are being flown to the UK on charter flights to pick fruit and vegetables The first flight will land tomorrow carrying 150 Romanian farm workers

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Text from Boris Johnson: ‘Any chance I can blame you for this? We’re running out of people’

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I sent a letter of no confidence in Boris Johnson on 24 July 2019.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Text from Marcus Rashford: ‘To be fair, I often get Gavin Williamson confused with Michael Crawford.’

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

You like parties don’t you Boris? How about a leaving party?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Bad news for Liz Truss this morning as village idiot Nadine Dorries and the Hon Member for the 18th Century Jacob Rees-Mogg come out in support for her bid to become the leader of the Conservative Party.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Rapid inflation, rising interest rates, a looming recession and households feeling the squeeze. I ask again, where are the Brexit dividends we were promised?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

6 years

Nigel Farage is the worst politician in history.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

“I would buy Matt (Hancock) at my valuation and sell him at his and realise a healthy profit in the process” John Bercow take a bow. 👏👏👏

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

The message from North Shropshire is clear: ‘We regret Brexit and get that clown out of Downing Street.’

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Haven’t seen the Brexit bus for a while? I understand there are no drivers available to drive the thing and all the wheels have fallen off as well.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

High inflation, high interest rates, recession, tax rises, public spending cuts wasn’t on the Brexit vote leave bus was it?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Things haven’t been this bad since before the UK decided to join the European Economic Community in 1973.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Nigel Farage was right, the Brexit referendum should be remembered as our ‘Independence Day’. An Independence Day for Scotland and an united Ireland. Slow hand clap to the little Englanders.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

The idea that Boris Johnson can be credited for the covid vaccines is preposterous. The guy struggles to put on a bloody mask!

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I know the government likes U-turns right now, but removing the whip from Conor Burns and then making him a Knight of the Realm is something else. I need another drink.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

You haven’t got Brexit done Boris. It’s like me cancelling my gym membership and telling everyone I won the weightlifting at the Olympics.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

The Northern Ireland protocol does not undermine the Good Friday Agreement. Brexit does.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

When are we taking back control?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

4 years

What’s the difference between Dominic Cummings and God? God doesn’t think he’s Dominic Cummings.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

BREAKING: Jacob Rees-Mogg identifies a Brexit opportunity. …rejoining the EU.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I do feel sorry for all the remainers who are struggling with the cost of living crisis. They didn’t vote to be poorer.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Congratulations to Jacob Rees-Mogg on his new position as Minister without Portfolio.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

5 years

I am absolutely furious that I will now have to pay to watch and listen to Nigel Farage on the BBC, it was bad enough when it was free.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

“Move on! Move on!” they cry. Why don’t you f***ing move on and resign?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

The only thing which has improved since Brexit is the average IQ of EU citizens.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Back home after a terrible night out in Wetherspoons. Sober as a bloody judge! The barman told me ‘no beer is better than a bad beer’.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I understand the Sue Gray report was printed in Spain and is stuck at the border awaiting customs clearance.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Might of had one too many sherbets tonight. Shouted out to Nadine Dorries as I was leaving the Strangers Bar “he’s never going to shag you!”

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I would say Truss has lost it, but I’m not convinced she ever had it.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Congratulations to Matt Hancock on his upcoming promotion.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

That’s the best speech I’ve ever heard from Liz Truss.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

David Davis meet me at the Red Lion. Drinks on me. #PMQs

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

The Prime Minister has apologised for being caught and has not taken responsibility for what happened in Downing Street. He and the Chancellor are not delivering for Britain on many fronts including the Brexit cost of living crisis we face. They have my 0% backing.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Anyone know what time the leaving party at 10 Downing Street starts tonight?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Summary of Rishi Sunak’s Spring Statement: ‘I’ll buy you a pint if you give me the money and I get to keep the change.’

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

It comes as no surprise to many that the government front bench is full of wankers.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

5 years

Can we use these 20,000 new police officers to form a search party to track down a Cabinet Minister to appear in front of a television camera?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

6 years

I’ve just given Dominic Raab an early Christmas present; a globe of the world. He was flabbergasted at how close the rest of Europe is then asked ‘what’s this blue stuff?’ I need a whisky.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

3 years

Want to join me in the Lords? Cough up £3m and you’re in!

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

6 years

I’ve really enjoyed these last two weeks off work; relaxing in the sunshine, good food, plenty of ale and red wine consumed, the odd cigar here and there with jazz playing in the background. I’m beginning to understand why Liam Fox has enjoyed the last two years so much.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Brexit and the Ukraine war are similar to be fair. Both are unnecessary destruction.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

4 years

New cabinet: 1. Dominic Cummings Supported by Boris Johnson, Tea Boy. #reshuffle

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Government Ministers listen up! If you truly want to be respectful to Queen Elizabeth II, sort the dire state of the country out. You’ve had your easy week looking noble. Reality and the hard work starts tomorrow.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

First it was the EU’s fault and now it’s the BBC’s fault. No it’s Boris’, Brexit’s and your fault you stupid cretins.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I’m not sure the strategy of ‘you’re not clever enough to understand our growth plan you plebs’ is going to wash with voters.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

One dick down, one to go.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Public spending cuts and tax rises to come. The public finances are in a worse state because of Brexit. That’s the elephant in the room.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Are you experiencing poor service in cafes, restaurants, pubs, bars & hotels? Bins not being collected on time? Empty shelves in supermarkets? All because of severe labour shortages caused by Brexit which is contributing to the current recession.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

BREAKING: Ukraine names street after Boris Johnson.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

There’s going to be a shortage of House of Commons headed paper at the current rate of resignations.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

No Kwasi. A message from the IMF isn’t a good thing.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

We’re such a diverse and inclusive country to chose a British Indian as our Prime Minister, which is exactly why we’re looking to ship all our immigrants to Rwanda.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

DUP punished at the polls for the Brexit chaos…which they of course supported.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Even I didn’t deliver a kamikaze budget when I was Chancellor and I drank whisky at the despatch box.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

4 years

I can’t imagine why MI5 doesn’t trust Priti Patel. It’s not like she’s got previous for attending unofficial, secret meetings with foreign governments.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Can we just ban Suella Braverman please?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Sat here on my tenth pint feeling relieved that the Daily Mail never ran beergate stories on me in the 80s & 90s. Cheers.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

I hope Jacob Rees-Mogg is looking forward to lying down on the backbenches.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Rishi Sunak & his wife are happy to pay more tax in the UK, but are furious with the person who leaked their previous tax arrangements and are determined to identify the culprit. They’re absolutely delighted to pay more tax in the UK though and think it’s a good idea of course.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Your regular reminder that Boris Johnson couldn’t run a whelk stall.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Christ! Are we even U-turning on resignations now?

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

Disappointing news for Boris Johnson as imperial measurements give the same results as metric when assessing his character…a lying narcissist.

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Ken Clarke (Parody)

@MrKennethClarke

2 years

At least Black Wednesday was only one day. Black Brexit is forever.

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