✍️ 'This term your son has identified as a cat. I gave him an F grade because the school still has a mouse problem'
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💣️ 'Don't bother, they're blowing themselves up'
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"The message in Suella Braverman's Christmas card says 'Being born in a stable is a lifestyle choice'"
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'If you hold this shell to your ear you can hear the sound of a flushing loo'
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'I'm sorry, but this is the only way to stop the spread of coronavirus'
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#Covid19
#coronavirus
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‘Jacob Rees-Mogg doesn't appreciate what civil servants do all day. My husband mows the lawn, walks the dog AND collects the kids from school'
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"23mph in a 20 zone?
If I shout 'jihad' will you let me off?"
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✍️ 'Just in, Roald Dahl's... Charlie and the quinoa factory'
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✍️ 'So, you ate grandma and now you want to be sent to a women's prison?'
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✍️ 'Prince Harry is in the country. This is the Changing Of The Locks.'
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✍️ 'Veg Shortage? Try our meat-based alternative to veggie burgers'
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'Liz Truss gave me the recipe for this cake. If you change every ingredient, it's delicious'
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'"You can see Changing of the Guard in the morning and Changing of the PM most afternoons'"
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✍️ 'We gather you arrived in the UK from Dunkirk in a small boat in 1940...'
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'New London rail lines: Delays due to problems with virtue signalling'
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'We have orders to fire if anyone attending the G7 in Cornwall puts clotted cream on their scone before the jam'
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'Hello, police? I live near the Downing St garden. It's eerily quiet tonight. Is everything OK?'
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✍️ 'The Met Office says summers will be 40C in 2060. The weather tomorrow, however, remains a mystery to them'
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'You've landed on another one of Angela Rayner's properties'
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'You're openly a knight and there's a very large dragon over there'
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'"Freezing temperatures, snow and travel chaos. Gary Lineker has compared it to Stalingrad in 1942-43'
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"If you wait here you might get to see your GP"
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'Final journey for King Charles's leaky pen'
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'Scottish police have received reports of a hate crime. You made some comments about broccoli at supper'
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'A fire at the GP surgery? We're only doing online appointments at the moment'
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'In your porn film, could you mention all the potholes in your area? My MP ignore all my letters'
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✍️ 'Is it appropriate, during a fruit and veg shortage, for a Roald Dahl book to mention a giant peach?'
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'I'm urging all MPs with two jobs to get a third, booster job, to see them through Christmas'
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'We went on a pub crawl. I'm afraid the fifth substantial meal was a mistake'
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'Piers Morgan said it had been a fantastic six years. ITV said some recollections may vary...' 📺
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'Just think, if they find water on the moon we can dump raw sewage up there...'
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'This is your Tory MP. Forget everything I've said for the past 12 years.'
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'60 years ago it was much easier to see a doctor. Now you're lucky if you get a zoom meeting'
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✏️'If you advance up the pitch in small rubber boats the French won't try to stop you'
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'48 hours of camping, following by a five-mile queue. We should get a Duke of Edinburgh award'
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'Would you consider investigating if I told you the burglar watered the garden while he was here?'
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'Nicola Sturgeon said Westminster is to blame, but she hasn't worked out how'
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'Immigrants like Nigel Farage come over here and eat all our testicles'
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'"Are you Conservative Party members? We try not to give you a choice because you always get it wrong'"
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'Labour will build four new nuclear submarines, but only one will be registered as Angela Rayner's main home'
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'I had no idea Prince Harry was going to write about a broken bowl, but it's so obviously about me...'
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'It's much simpler now. The Government predicts what your test results would have been'
#alevelresults
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'I don't want a drink, I've just come here to self-isolate'
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'I have a Chinese-made car. I park it a few streets away because I don't want it to know where I live'
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'So much of the Budget has leaked out that it has completely ruined the element of disappointment'
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