Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal Twitter profile

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Lil Bit 🌈

3 years

oh shit. i'm at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let's hope she stays asleep!!!

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

weird flex from an aquarium

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

realizing 2022 is 3 months away when i'm still processing 2020

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 months

Apparently my 9yo daughter's imaginary friend is the ghost of an 8yo girl named Rose who died of the bubonic plague 200 years ago and I’m sure this is a completely normal developmental stage........

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

not to brag, but mine was free

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 months

We're walking to the cemetery because my 9yo wants to "write down all the names of the dead people." What?! She's brought a pen and paper. No clue where this is going, but I'm gonna post updates.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

1 year

We asked my 8yo if she knew what "ambidextrous" meant, and as she tried to figure it out, we heard her mutter under her breath, "It's not when two girls like each other...that's lesbians."

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

11 months

over the past few years i've watched billionaires literally take joy rides into space with their extra money while the rest of us start gofundmes to pay for basic healthcare costs seriously what can i do to support the orcas?

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

I feel sick as I write this but need to say it: Today a man with an AK-47 walked down the middle of the street that runs alongside the playground at my daughters' school. During recess. My 5yo was on the playground with her classmates. Feet away.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 months

My 9yo made friends with a new student in class who doesn’t speak English. She’s FaceTiming her new friend and they are currently pointing to things around our houses teaching each other how to speak in English and Spanish 🥹 It’s the cutest little conversation y’all.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

holy shit the little fugitive made it through the appointment undetected! back in the car where it’s ok to have squirrels. you know that feeling of relief where your muscles feel like jelly? me rn

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

In conclusion: FUCK YOUR FUCKING OPEN CARRY

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

1 year

I once dated a guy who opposed me volunteering on social causes because "what if someone who doesn't need it gets help" and I'll be damned if that isn't the prevailing mindset of this country

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

can we get a wellness check for the sign maker? i fear they have suffered a stroke.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

4 years

Googled the annual death rate from quick sand, and it’s literally zero. My whole childhood was a lie.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

I've lost over 20 followers in the 20 minutes since I posted this and let me just say BRING IT THE FUCK ON. GFTO. Mama's on a blocking binge bbs.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

4 months

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands? Me: What? 7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s. 7yo: WHOA 🤯

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

let this be a lesson to you all that you never know who might be packing small animals in their underwear when you're out

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

omg my kids are waiting for a package and I walk out to this

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 months

I recently learned that pilots may be grounded if they're taking drugs for depression or anxiety, which means we're pushing pilots to NOT treat mental illness....sooooo much better, guys, I feel super safe in the air now

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

18 days

The restaurant labeled my 7yo’s take out chicken fingers as … “kids finger” and now she’s running around the house maniacally laughing and saying “deeeelicious kids fingers mmmm” as she eats them oh no

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

i don't care what you say no one can make sense of the "hit yourself" line

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

This Act includes no restrictions on schools, churches, or other places that frequently contain children. No minimum distance from school grounds. No restrictions at all - except, of course, for our governmental buildings that won't allow guns near those dear policy makers.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

has anyone figured out who the muscle man is? what's on the 3rd floor? WHAT HAPPENS IN 3 MONTHS?

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

1 year

Y'all, I'm a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

he expressly said no extra visitors when i asked if my husband could come. he’s gonna be so mad

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 months

My 7yo is now arguing that “the plague is just a made up thing” however Rose *apparently* chimed in that most of her village died of it so I guess my 9yo won the argument?

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

No, thanks to our state's Constitutional Carry Act (making it perfectly legal for a citizen to carry a firearm - concealed or open - anywhere they'd like *without* the need for a permit of any sort). He was cited with jaywalking.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 months

My 7yo just said, “I’m jealous of Miss Bea (our dog). She’s allowed to be here naked.” Me:

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

6 months

It’s so funny how the way the snow falls in our yard looks like it's lying on a couple of shallow graves…...... *nervous laughter*

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

unless i act like i am surprised too...

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

What it boils down to is this: the man who brandished an assault rifle within 30 feet of kindergartners at play - and who may have laid eyes on my daughter - walks away while I type this in abject fear for my children.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

then i have to explain why i have a squirrel in my underwear

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 months

😭My 7yo keeps challenging her and said that “the plague didn’t kill kids” and unfortunately I was pulled in to explain that no, in fact, the plague did not have an age limit. Parenting books really don’t cover this.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

how tf do we explain this pandemic pic to future generations???

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

urology appt, so the clothes stay on. but if he tries to listen to my chest, there's a 60% chance he wakes her up and she crabs and scares the shit out of him

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 months

I’m sensing a disturbing theme y’all

Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

4 months

my 8yo used static electricity to stick these balloons to the walls and she’s calling it.... *checks notes* the “Hall of Lost Souls”

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

I’m still wearing a mask in public, partly because a man hasn’t told me to smile in over a year.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

returning to the office after a year of working from home like

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

headline: illegal smuggling brings joy to hundreds

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

Got a notice that the school is looking into building a wall around all of the outdoor areas. Because that's the problem here. But let's face it. If nothing changes when dozens of children are murdered every year from the "safety" of their schools, this won't do shit. V.O.T.E.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

i feel like a master criminal now. do criminals have a resume or something to highlight their most impressive feats?

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

i've got my sweater buttoned up to my chin. i'm sweaty as fuck. and i swear my hands are shaking. he's gonna think i'm on drugs

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

Teachers rushed the kids inside and the kids were none the wiser for it. By chance, the gunman apparently showed no interest in the school or students. He continued down the middle of the street (yes the middle, not the sidewalk) and past it.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

Excuse me, I posted in error. He did NOT get a citation for jaywalking (I misheard my husband saying it's the only thing he could be found guilty of in our state). No, actually the man walked without being stopped through the gated drive of an apartment bldg. Justice apparently.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

i hear him and the nurse talking outside the door. my hands are so sweaty. omg

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@LizerReal

2 years

Screw crucifixion. This Easter we're bowhunting Jesus.

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@LizerReal

3 years

false alarm. they had me pee in a cup. she’s still asleep. my heart is pounding. this is so dumb

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@LizerReal

4 years

voting in this election is like doing a group project with 300,000 people I definitely don't trust

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@LizerReal

2 years

But wait...were campus officers able to interfere? Were the police called? Was the man apprehended????

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

this thread👆👆👆 Say you live in America without saying you live in America

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

5 months

So I notice some unauthorized plant growth on the kitchen counter and gosh darnit I think I’m an onion farmer now

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

1 year

calling men hormonal is my new thing. i find they take it well zero percent of the time. probably because they're hormonal.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

all y'all thinking this is a gym advertisement but i think it's a threat and that beefy dude is being forced to punch himself and thank strangers on the 3rd floor

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

reading back over this thread i realize how much i cuss when i'm panicked. i'm fucking sorry y'all

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

shit he said my name. coming in now fuck

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

i don't care what they say i am not fingering a shark that's horrible

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

21 days

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, "AAAAAAAHHHHH" 😭💀

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

i always knew my first cleavage picture would be a big internet sensation

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

walking in now *sign of the cross*

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 months

When the kids were younger we’d just call the cemetery “the park” and picnicked there frequently. Once we took them to an actual park but they argued it wasn’t the park because it didn’t have headstones 😭 They come by this honestly lol

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

1 year

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, "Y'all are in for a real treat" and then passed out. 😭😭😭

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

if i don't orgasm, i make a sad trombone sound at the end of sex. to encourage him to try harder next time.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 months

Not to be out-weirdoed, my 7yo brought a terrifying hyper-realistic babydoll…so this…THIS is happening right now

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

just to be safe, guys, DO NOT GO TO THE 3RD FLOOR

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

Discovered that THREE DIFFERENT elementary schools in my city were locked down yesterday due to similar situations. Have I mentioned yet how much you can fucking fuck your open carry?

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

So a fed law prohibits guns from within 1000ft of a school, but our carry license offers exemptions, allowing armed licensed persons potentially into school events even. Open carry may be common enough here to explain why his license wasn't even checked. He wasn't even stopped.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

family isn't always blood, y'all

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@LizerReal

14 days

Y'all, I'm providing teletherapy and my dog joined the session to side eye my clinical judgment 😭

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@LizerReal

2 years

i told my husband i was taking him to a nice farm in the country

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@LizerReal

2 months

And so it begins….

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@LizerReal

2 years

the most powerful ad for religion i've ever seen

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 months

They’ve tired of census taking and have now begun a totally not-weird game of “cemetery hide and seek”

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@LizerReal

3 years

Took our kids to a restaurant for the first time in over a year. As my 6yo crouched in her chair, eating a burger patty like a feral child, and my 4yo tried to remove her pants and painted her face with ketchup, it occurred to me that maybe we weren’t ready to re-enter society.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

1 year

My 8yo gets bullied at school, and I consoled her once by promising that if I ever saw her bullies, I'd shoot my legendary angry face to strike terror into their hearts. They have a school play on Friday. She GAVE ME A LIST OF NAMES. 😬

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

this is like a drunk word puzzle. there is no solution.

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 months

Not too long ago…

Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 years

My 5yo... 1) asked to visit "the grave of that guy who sings the hold 'em and fold 'em song" 2) asked my husband to play the song 3) held the phone up to the grave so Kenny could hear

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 months

@badbadger86

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@LizerReal

3 years

back in my day, televisions were whittled straight out of the tree

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

my 6yo keeps drawing these pictures of "the shadowman." i'm not ready to die y'all 😭

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@LizerReal

2 years

inviting my enemies over for dinner so they can wash their hands in the "death sink"

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

*Kidzbop song plays* my 4yo: they were 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙙 to say "fuck"

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

2 months

Gotta be honest: It feels like we're just asking for another "Rose" situation

Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 months

Apparently my 9yo daughter's imaginary friend is the ghost of an 8yo girl named Rose who died of the bubonic plague 200 years ago and I’m sure this is a completely normal developmental stage........

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Lil Bit 🌈

@LizerReal

3 years

The Little Engine That Needed Prozac