Kevin Farzad @KevinFarzad Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

I just need 8 to 12 hours of alone time in the mornings and then I'm recharged and ready to tackle the day

37

2K

7K

Last Seen Profiles

@Mr_lemo_Fuck

@matt_dathan

@thomasroiloup

@olachesare

@MahiroYukishiro

@parkmhinju

@2lvyy

@himemoriluna

@eststormcloak

@stw_pdg

@VisionaryVoid

@Michael_Sadler

@LinksUmeda

@andouilles

@CoffmanLab

@manga_nico

@Ottawa_Traffic

@karaage_award

@kumec

@__Pippen

@mtlaaaaag7

@FemSteph

@katepinguu

@suta_kuni

@kirankokoswabi

@fearlesshoax_

@PagerLab

@Itou_rina

@WWFanboy

@Adam_Palace

@Kryptonils7

@_Chip_maru

@weston_nataliee

@Carrefour_qa

@le_cnc

@whoweekly

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

My Quarantine Routine I just wanted to share what works for me. This is just to give me structure and a sense of stability 9 am - 2 am: wake up & stare at my phone

2K

129K

763K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

3 years

I know this GameStop stuff is funny, but you have to remember this is hurting real people who own multiple boats

3K

80K

714K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it's called self care

311

118K

349K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

Unbelievable

398

104K

233K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

If an employer ever says “We’re like a family here” what they mean is they’re going to ruin you psychologically

542

34K

182K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you

425

50K

163K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Huge if true

255

18K

159K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

303

47K

155K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

5 months

Was I very productive this week? No. But was I able to rest and relax? Also no. But was I gentle with myself about all of this? No

103

29K

135K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

2 years

what the fuck

147

16K

133K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

3 years

so sorry for my delayed response to this email, i have been working through a global pandemic which people refer to in the past tense now even though it is still definitely happening

47

16K

83K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

The Chainsmokers make music for people who say “adulting is hard” and then their parents buy them a house

117

16K

75K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

MIKE PENCE: men's clothing should be on one floor and women's clothing on another so we can all have a comfortable shopping experience at Target MODERATOR: the question was how have you handled the Covid crisis

83

8K

65K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

The most important thing I've learned in life, and I can't stress this enough: you gotta make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think

163

14K

64K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

5 years

i like who podcast ads think i am – a successful businessman who hires employees but also i don’t own underwear or a mattress

139

7K

49K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

1 year

You gotta respect Facebook's arc. Started as a place to rate people's hotness, then helped the country slide into fascism in 2016, and is now a website to buy used furniture

72

4K

49K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

8 years

It's already March?? What's next? April??? Fuck this.

48

26K

36K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

them: oh so because one insane person got his hands on a gun you want to ban all guns? me, lips right on a mic: Yes

45

6K

30K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

It’s already tonight?? What’s next? Tomorrow??? Fuck this.

49

8K

28K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

SECRETS TO SUCCESS: - wake up & check your phone for 40 minutes before getting out of bed - whenever you park, check your phone for 30 minutes before getting out of your car - whenever you're presented with an opportunity to "network" or make new friends, say "I can't"

44

4K

28K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

Canceling plans is ok. Running your friends over with a car is ok. Poisoning the town's water supply is ok. It's called self-care.

29

6K

24K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Please try to have some empathy for the people who were chill with fascism for a lil tax cut

49

3K

23K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Oops didn’t realize how much of my mental health hinged on casually going to the grocery store 3-4 times a week

36

3K

22K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

Normal, well-adjusted friend texting me tomorrow: Did you see this Donald Trump tweet? Haha Me, bloodshot eyes: listen, motherfucker

46

4K

20K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Very funny to refer to the next two days as “the weekend” as if we still exist in time and space

12

2K

16K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

True indicator of having your shit together: the outside of your olive oil bottle is not oily

84

2K

15K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

I was worried about being bored during quarantine but losing your mind is actually very time consuming

16

3K

12K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

It's been so inspiring to see our country come together over the past few months and refuse to use facebook stories

13

3K

12K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

Please don't judge Betsy DeVos until you've walked a mile in her house

46

3K

11K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

10 years

If you're about to post song lyrics on social media, ask yourself is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down flip it 'n reverse it

56

11K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

8 years

me on twitter: hit me with a car lol me on job apps: im a self starter & team player who doesnt fantasize about getting run over by a car!

13

5K

11K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

8 years

. @florida can I talk to you outside for a second?

13

5K

11K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

36

3K

11K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

My favorite part of quarantine is that we were all forced to be alone with our thoughts for a little bit and everyone was like “Absolutely not. I will learn to bake bread from scratch.”

42

2K

9K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Ominous but probably true

21

1K

9K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Rough day for people you know from high school who are in a skincare pyramid scheme

28

1K

8K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

8 years

Wow, lyft has changed the game again. They developed a sort of large car that stops around the city at scheduled intervals. Incredible

89

3K

8K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

When I learned that 18th century means 1700s and so on, that’s when I realized nothing matters and no one is in charge of anything

24

1K

8K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Saw a guy park his car & then kiss his dog on the head before going in to grocery shop. This tweet is here to cleanse your timeline

73

919

8K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Wow if you think you can suddenly care about soccer just because the dudes are hot you are right

30

1K

8K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

We're sliding into 2017 saying the word Nazi a little more than I'd hoped but other than that I think we're doing great

12

3K

8K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

(Nuclear mushroom cloud appears over horizon) My daughter: daddy I'm scared Me: Aww do you need a safe space?? Lmao @ ur liberal tears 😂😂

17

3K

8K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

I never feel closer to someone than when we both want to leave a social gathering at the same time

20

2K

8K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

1 year

There’s honestly nothing better than being with family for 15, max 20 minutes

7

385

8K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

10 years

Oh sure, make fun of Columbus. Like you've never gone to the grocery store for spices, gotten lost, then murdered several million people.

33

6K

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Employer: We’re like a family here. You’re going to talk about us in therapy 10 years from now.

26

1K

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up

10

2K

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

I think our generation prefers Airbnb over hotels cuz it combines the fun of traveling with the fantasy of owning property

14

1K

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

I was worried about COVID but then a person from my high school who used to sell Herbalife posted about how we’re all overreacting so now I feel way better

67

686

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

One thing I don't think we talk about enough is dogs lean too far out of car windows and I worry about them

22

2K

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Wow, I know some of you have had the worst year of your life but maybe you could show some compassion for the person who caused the worst year of your life??

36

747

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Check in on your friends. Text them. Call them. DM them every animal you see on Instagram. Link them to every article & podcast and 5 seconds later ask if they've read or listened yet. Invade their lives. Break them psychologically

35

827

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

how’s everyone doing being mad 18 hours a day

103

1K

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Good morning I'm ready to take things personally

12

2K

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Thank god for nighttime when you can stop feeling bad about not doing things and pretend that tomorrow you will do things

42

927

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

I have the “Sunday scaries” which is when you have a lil anxiety that your country fully slides into fascism this week

9

1K

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Happy finding out which one of your friends is rich based on photos of their parents' house day

6

578

7K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Fitness goal: stay alive long enough to see a single member of the trump family face a consequence

10

1K

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

Yeah, Trump is an idiot, but do I let it ruin my day? Yes

15

2K

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Life is so fragile. You think someone is doing ok, and then the next moment they’re getting really into rock climbing

43

779

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

A job is more than a paycheck. It's also a place where you cry in the bathroom

37

2K

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Wow this new Spotify feature is so cool!

28

2K

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

17

2K

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

A lot of people wonder, “Do I have to choose between making money & doing something I like” and here’s what I always say: I don’t know and I’m scared

7

1K

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

10 years

Lmao at you losers paying for Uber and Lyft. My mom can just drop us off as long as your mom can pick us up.

35

3K

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

2 years

By age 30 you should know three (3) people you’re terrified to run into at the grocery store

35

428

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

5 years

Skincare tip: be born into immense wealth

13

889

6K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

"Now's not the time to discuss gun control" Ok Debra, when's good for you? How's Tuesday at 12 between mass shootings? Let me know. Best,

10

1K

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

I just want one brand to tell me that we are not in this together and that my health is their lowest priority

56

559

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Please check in on your Apple Music friends. This is a difficult time of year for them

28

620

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

When this is all over I’m gonna socialize once and then need to lie down for two weeks

20

859

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

5 years

It’s good to have friends who will check up on you

22

1K

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

10 years

True mark of adulthood: instead of your parents scheduling your doctor's appointments, you just avoid going to the doctor & hope u don't die

28

4K

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

9 years

Ways I'm like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

19

3K

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

I am the Perfect Millennial: I own many diamonds, I keep government secrets to myself & if I crave avocado toast I always buy a home instead

13

1K

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

5 years

no one: wall in a suburban home: Fall in LOVE. Dream BIG. Tell STORIES. Believe in MAGIC. Yell at a STRANGER. Drink 14 cups of COFFEE. Forgive even when it's hard and Lauren was WRONG. It’s wine o’clock somewhere unless you're MOM because you're in RECOVERY. Travel

23

723

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Whenever I miss someone, I just remember that every night we all look down at the same “iCloud storage almost full” notification

8

480

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

3 years

I just need to get through this week and then next week things will calm down a bit ⓘ 𝗢𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗳𝗮𝗹𝘀𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴

5

984

5K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

I hate when someone asks me what I'm "thinking about." I'm fuckin thinking about "Africa" by Toto

60

2K

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

For anybody wishing ill on our President: make sure you also wish ill on our Vice President

17

525

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

10 years

Instagram is cool because you can see your friends hanging out without you Greg I thought you had Karate practice you fucking liar.

12

2K

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

CNN is like "stay calm" then wildly flips to "NEW PROJECTION" while playing war movie music

10

479

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

5 years

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

5

1K

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

If ur looking for a healthy snack that hurts ur fingers a little bit, I can’t recommend pistachios enough

12

647

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

3 years

It’s been a difficult couple years mentally, but now it’s just three months of not seeing the sun, then covid indefinitely, and then we’re in the clear except for climate change

15

606

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

5 years

i remade the emojis for when you’re sad but still trying your best to practice self care. please use these moving forward

17

753

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

Whenever I’m in an anxious situation, I just imagine the worst case scenario. That way if it happens, I’m devastated, but also I’ve thought about it in advance

17

814

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

8 years

2:00 pm: gonna go to bed early tonight 10:30 pm: here we go. time to hit the hay 2:30 am: ahh, so male seahorses give birth

16

2K

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

tonight we finally answer the question– can good things happen? or only bad things? excited to find out

4

621

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

9 years

to the MAN who nearly HIT ME with his CAR in the grocery store parking lot: please next time just finish the job

13

3K

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

"U up?" Of course I'm up. Everyone's up. No one sleeps anymore

15

667

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

10 years

I made a motivational poster just for you. http://t.co/Fqotrss4ZZ

189

3K

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

reminder: take a deep breath. stop watching the news. go for a walk. keep walking until you're in a new country with automatic voter registration. start a new life

11

463

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

7 years

Millennials are single-handedly keeping the Africa by Toto industry alive

29

989

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Kind of funny that you could ask anyone right now “are you ok?” and probably make them start crying

20

605

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

I love relationship posts that are like "It's been four years with this guy! i love you so much babe. yeah it's hard sometimes, and yeah we fight a lot, and there are a lot of ups and downs, and it's not always the best, and, in fact, it's rarely "good"

12

365

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

6 years

One reason I don't think I could be a rapper is because if someone made a diss track about me I would cry

11

734

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

4 years

Mental health tip: be born in New Zealand

12

362

4K

Kevin Farzad

@KevinFarzad

3 years

Sorry I didn’t message you back for a year it’s just that you asked how I was doing

8

592

4K