Jennifer McAuliffe @JenniferJokes Twitter profile

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Jennifer McAuliffe

3 years

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

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Last Seen Profiles

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

our soccer ref didn’t show up so one of the moms on our team had her 9 year old son ref for us (he had a whistle) and a completely adult woman on the other team argued with one of his calls and he yellow carded her in front of everyone and she had to sit in her car to calm down

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

I’ve been wearing an underwire bra since I was twelve you can wear a mask

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

2 months

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I had a boyfriend (of 2.5 years) who told me all the time that I wasn’t funny. On Friday I joined the Writers Guild as a comedy writer.

Frederick Joseph

@FredTJoseph

5 years

Name a time you proved someone wrong who doubted you. Be as petty as you like.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

8 years

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single Me: *you're

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

@turniptruk Lol no, he was reffing our women’s league game. She just thought it was appropriate to fight with a child who was doing us a favour—what a buffoon

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

7 years

Get your sleep, we panic attack at dawn

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I’m aging like a fine wine. In a basement, unappreciated by men my age.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

Behind every successful woman is a man who’s going to put his hands on her lower back to “just scootch past ya”

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I will not rest until every cup in the country is on my nightstand

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

@isabelzawtun Anne is a colossal bitch and you’re an immortal queen

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

2 years

Youre telling her to hurry up, I’m pouring carp down her pantaloons. We are not the same

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I never finished university but I still cum laude Siri, how do I disable comments section.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

I keep reading 20 years ago and the writer means 2000 not 1980 and frankly I am offended

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

@JockCartier No we were too focused on middle aged womanly competition

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

socialism is like having a spider in the house: *might be scary *it works hard to keep things nice and clean for everyone *only takes what you don’t need *you already swallow 8 socialists in your sleep per year

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

He’s disrespecting the flag!

espnW

@espnW

5 years

. @TimTebow is officially off the market 💍

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

Tbh most baby shoes are never used?? Cause babies don’t walk on them??? Like a think pair of socks is all they need??? Maybe the baby is FINE Hemingway???

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

Which one is a man who doesn’t tell lies and doesn’t want me to lose weight?

Acidic Blonde™️

@Acidic_Blonde

4 years

Ok ladies....which man bod do you prefer

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

My mom put me in weight watchers at 13 because she wished for a thin daughter and was saddled with me, a kind bright child with a healthy bmi we don’t talk anymore and I doubt I’d go to her funeral This app is dangerous and if you get it for your daughter she will out grow you

TIME

@TIME

5 years

Kurbo by WW, out today, is a free nutrition and weight-loss app for kids as young as 8, and up to 17. The app will inevitably draw praise and outrage in equal measure

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

Drake was surprised he got a woman pregnant cause he learned sex Ed in the ‘98 curriculum

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

When I was in university a guy I went on a coffee date with told me he was worried being so far away from his mother cause she was getting older and I asked her age and she was 38

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

@SnyderElena @turniptruk Ikr the kid was so much faster than us it was embarrassing

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

When Al Gore lost, he took to the woods When Hillary lost, she took to the woods When Stacey Abrams lost, she took to the neighbourhoods where voter suppression was rampant and registered voters and protected democracy and still had time to look this good while posing in this pic

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

Can’t wait for the new Jonas Bros album about marital s-e-x

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out. So 2 years.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

Look America if you can’t afford to give a $2000 cheque maybe you can’t afford a military this year.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

@rdemps01 Lol no he just asserted that he was giving her a yellow card. The aura of a yellow card if you will.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

Inside the food pyramid is a secret tomb filled with Nutella

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

7 years

Men: women are afraid of spiders, lol Women: I’ll straight up kiss a spider on the lips before I’d sit next to a man on an empty subway

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

I’m at a unisex hairdressers and you would be amazed (AMAZED!) at how many men are hiding bald spots with cleverly disguised brushing techniques. No wonder guys are always angry. Just Be bald! Women don’t care about bald spots! We just want your fries!

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

Every woman I know thinks she should lose 10 lbs Every man I know thinks he could be in the UFC

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

My life is an open book…a Jane Austen book—nothing much happens, people get upset over nothing, I can only remember like 6 names, never leave my neighbourhood, have lots of secrets for no reason, there’s a lot of confusion, the gentlemen of good fortune must be in need of a wife

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I had a friend who slept with her programming professor and only got a C++

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

@AVatTowson @girlfreddy @BillBoreman @SnyderElena @turniptruk It was a handball and yep he made the right call.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

My parents are worried that the kinda of men I date would trap me in their basements, as if I could attract a man who can afford 2 floor apartments

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

Is it too late for me to be a goth? I no longer want to separate my laundry

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

Marriage is really special cause you can choose the guy who will be the prime suspect in your murder

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

Me: I don’t think we should see each other any more Him: ok Me: do you want to know why? Him, seeing my 7 pages (front and back) of hand written notes: nope

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

8 years

Not today Satan... *flips thru calendar* Thursday would work.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

2 years

A man tried to buy me a miniature horse for $275 (Canadian) to coax me back into a relationship. when the miniature horse dealer found out that I lived in the city he refused. In the meantime, the miniature horse bit me, and that’s how I found out I’m allergic to miniature horses

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

2 years

no offence to monkey pox, but i just have too much going on rn

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

The cop who shot and killed the unarmed, twelve-year-old Tamir Rice got a job as a cop in another district with no jail time.

NBC DFW

@NBCDFW

5 years

Woman seen licking Blue Bell ice cream faces up to 20 years in prison:

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

My niece dresses for the job she wants (karate princess, CEO of hurtful observations)

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

please dont be mean to me cause im very soft but also dont be nice cause i fall in love very easily

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

7 years

All these 80s trends are back Bushy eyebrows Mom jeans Cold War

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

I blocked JK R*wling cause I can’t be bothered with her TERFy nonsense but let me say this—we put teen cis girls on homones ALL THE TIME, for thier periods, pimples and sex lives. And none of that is any of our business either

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I am great at accepting criticism for example I once sent a nude and my boyfriend didn’t acknowledge it. When I brought it up he said “that’s not a nude you had clothes on.” First of all a beige bra conveys the essence of nudity second of all he isn’t my boyfriend any more.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

Not judged people for having different finances than me, for one

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

If you don’t think the world favours men, even their swimsuits have pockets. What’s next? Pockets on their more affordable razors? WHAT ARE YOU CARRYING IN THE POOL

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I’m like the weather, I’m over thirty and hot in a way people don’t appreciate

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

7 years

OHIO: you cant do that, there's a heartbeat! All life is sacred! Ohio Death row inmate: phewf! OHIO: lol omg no, not you, you we can do

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

Men’s Rights activists are so boring they’ll listen to a University of Toronto professor for no credit

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

WHAT DO U MEAN “ACCIDENTALLY”

BBC Earth

@BBCEarth

7 years

Scientists accidentally grew a chicken with the face of a dinosaur

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

7 years

"Don't let anyone tell you you're not beautiful" Isn't motivational. "You have the power to overthrow a tyrannical govt" Is motivational.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

I want a boyfriend but I don’t want to go on dates or meet people or go anywhere or do anything or talk or share or be nice or listen or any of that I don’t know why that is so hard to understand

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

How swift would the catholic school punish those racist students if they had been wearing spaghetti strap tank tops

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

2 years

Ryan Reynolds dresses like a baby going to his god mothers church wedding

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I wish I went to law school so I could answer every question with “I’m not that type of lawyer”

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

@MCITLFrAphorism Father, Jesus said that if a man looks at a woman lustfully it is on him to look away or pluck out his eye. Jesus did not tell women to cover up. Be Christlike, Father

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

7 years

Her: what do you feel like? Me: really sad all the time. idk what to do Her: I meant for dinner Me: OHH lol pizza would be amazing thanks

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

8 years

The only problem with Internet dating is you're so focused on not getting murdered you can hardly tell if the guy is any fun.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

when I find the documents to replace my health card get a family doctor find a specialist to re-diagnose me with ADHD get an appointment get a prescription earn enough to pay for the prescription remember to take it everyday & wait through the side effects: its over for you hos

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

You: How are you? Me, visibly dyed my eyebrows midnight blue: fine

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I really thought I’d be married and divorced by now

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

8 years

Sister: have you met any nice men lately? Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I hope I leave this year as I entered it, not knowing what Fortnite is.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

9 months

Look at his little hands holding his big tum tum filled with rum rum

DD

@designdocument

9 months

"Robot Bar" by Borghesani (1969) 🥃

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

7 years

Dating last year: I hope he's not a liar or a cheater Dating now: I hope he's not casually accepting the rise in fascism/white supremacists

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

@Boo_urns357 Good to hear. I presume you’ve been writing to all your representives to make sure abortion is safe, legal and available everywhere in your country. And donating to Planned Parenthood. Since you beleive in a persons right to choose and all.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

You have a problem with me being codependent? that’s our problem now babe

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

I resent when people explain things to me like I’m 5, you should explain things to me like I’m an enthusiastic anthropologist alien from an advanced military based solar system and my understanding of this issue is all that stands between you and obliteration.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

What an awful time to be attracted to men.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

I’m 5 years older than drake but 22 years too old for drake

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

Sure fit bodies are hot, but have you ever seen what it takes to get one? No thank you.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

Lots of girls only want men 6 feet and over. Not me. I want all men 6 feet under.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

@MCITLFrAphorism Matthew 5:27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[e] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

I’m so tired I think I’ll stay up til 3 A.M. on the internet for no reason

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

Call the new gun control bill “thoughts and prayers” so no one can vote against it

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

My niece said her favourite dinosaur was the “punk with the spikes all up his back” and I honestly don’t know why I bother making conversation with anyone above 5 years old

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

she was new in town and didn’t have any friends, until she decided to trust a handsome stranger —hallmark movies and true crime podcasts

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

@jannarden I was taller than him (the height I had also been the week earlier when we had first met) and he asked me if I would change my heels to flats in the restaurant. I had flip flops in my bag. He told me he was technically still married. I got very drunk indeed and flip flopped home.

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

Just listening to a book saying a silver sheckle was one month minimum wage, which means Judas gave up Jesus to the Romans for basically $68,000 Canadian dollars, and I mean I don’t agree with it but I get it. He was Jesus’ thirteenth closest friend! They’re not even that close

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

just found out we still get our periods while in social distancing lockdown which is some bullshit if you ask me

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

Dating me is like trying natural deodorant. Sure it’s a bit of a risk but if you stick with it, it’s never going to work

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

I would rather die than complete a quick survey about your website, thanks

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

4 years

What are you guys wearing to self quarantine? I was thing like jeans and a nice top

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

We are all acting pretty choosey about what brand of vaccine we want to get for a bunch of people who don’t know what goes in toothpaste

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

1 year

I once went to a home salon & I show up and the hairdresser was crying, like, hard crying & said she just broke up with her bf & I was like we don’t have to do this & she was like yes we do & she gave me bangs (without asking) like I didn’t break up w anyone why did I get bangs?!

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

I’m unwilling to have a “friends with benefits” arrangement but am thrilled to announce my new “enemies with a common goal—medical insurance” relationship

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

How I see Fox News:

CBS News

@CBSNews

6 years

Yellowstone geyser spews trash from the 1930s

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

5 years

My period overflowed over my menstral cup and over my backup pad in a big gush down my leg at the hardware store which means I own it now. This is Jennifer’s home hardware and you will treat me with respect and also fetch me a mop plz

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

So many male comedians aren’t actually funny they’re just tall

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

6 years

Men’s Doritos lose their crunch at 40

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

3 years

Truly cannot imagine ever lining up for brunch again, it’s poached eggs, they take 3 minutes, what were we even doing

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Jennifer McAuliffe

@JenniferJokes

7 years

FYI It's not "grammar nazi" anymore, it's "grammar alt-right"

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