Aliens About Humans @HumansExplained Twitter profile

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Aliens About Humans

5 years

Our scientists have a theory that if you heat up a planet slowly enough, its inhabitants will boil to death before they realise what’s happening.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

1 year

Looks like we have a glitch in the Earth simulation.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Human bodies are covered with a waterproof elastic tissue called "skin". It has the remarkable ability to regenerate itself if pierced and its colour appears to be strongly correlated with manners of communication, choice of apparel and mortality rate.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans often describe acts of torture and genocide as “inhuman”, as if any other species had ever been spotted building torture chambers and extermination camps.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans are born stupid and grow wiser with age. Yet they appear to prefer to be perceived as young rather than as old, which proves that intelligence is not a primary virtue among the members of this species.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans have labelled their latest generations X, Y and Z, which implicitly suggests that they aren’t planning any more generations.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans are known to kill things they like. Every year several million flowers are cut down and brought into human homes to die slowly to their killers' great amusement or be presented to other humans as gifts. The fate of trees is grimmer still.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

3 years

Humans are born stupid and grow smarter with age. Yet they prefer to be perceived as young rather than as old, which confirms that intelligence is peripheral to this species.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

An “immigrant” is a human who resides in a country other than her/his origin. (Unless it’s a white human. These are called ”expats”.)

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Racism is a misguided human belief that certain human races are slightly better than others. Our own research has confirmed time and again that all human races are equally awful.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

3 years

Humans have labelled their latest generations X, Y and Z, which implicitly suggests that they aren’t planning any more generations.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans normally initiate dialogue with strangers by exchanging verbal descriptions of the current atmospheric conditions. We believe this is a security measure to assess the sanity of the counterpart before exchanging any meaningful information.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Human languages change so fast that even a couple of centuries old writings can be utterly unreadable. But do beware that some humans will react furiously even to the slightest deviation from the linguistic norms of the recent decade, and most will feel compelled to correct you.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans are generally obsessed with youth and depressed by ageing. Still, every year they happily celebrate becoming one year older.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

"Regret" is a peculiar type of human mental activity entirely dedicated to analysing the possible outcome from options that are no longer available.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

3 years

The first successful test of a human-made combat robot neutralising moving targets.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans appear to think that repeating the same argument in a louder tone will make it more credible.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Never put a human in charge of a country.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans are often found bathing in gigantic silos of water mixed with organic waste and decomposed fish called "seas". The same humans can later be found washing their hands to avoid bacteria after using the restroom.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans are religious by nature. Even when they reject religion they immediately become religious about their atheism, liberalism or whatever else -ism that helps them decide who is evil now.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

4 years

For human males, one way of winning favour with human females is to attack defenceless plants, cut off their reproductive organs and present them to the female as a war trophy.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Never use humans as scarecrows, or you may accidentally start a religion.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

4 years

Unsurprisingly, the places humans find most beautiful tend to be the ones least affected by humans.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

1 year

This is a thread of SHAME. Post the least credible human disguise you have ever spotted an undercover alien wearing. Here’s a first one.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans are generally committed to protecting their young from harmful information, and yet most find it perfectly reasonable to indoctrinate them with bizarre religious beliefs which for many centuries have turned humans against each other in an epic civilisational chasm.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Given that humans still haven’t bothered to establish proper diplomatic relations with any other Earth primate within 90-99% of the human intellectual capacity, it is surprising how they seem to expect that 800-900% more intelligent extraterrestrials should want to talk to them.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

2 years

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

If you need to say something offensive to a human, just add “no offence” afterwards, and it will stop being offensive.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

4 years

Just so you know.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

One of the things that makes humans dangerous is their extremely short lifespan. It makes it virtually impossible to reach any real wisdom and allows them to pollute their world without ever having to suffer the consequences.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans appear to have a compulsive urge to slide their hands along the body surface of other animals.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans can be offended by truth.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans are designed to be unhappy. They are programmed to desire the most what they cannot have.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans appear to respond differently to the same factual information depending on the manner of its conveyance and the identity of its carrier. You can get away with any sort of nonsense if you get them to like you first and say it like you mean it.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans normally use phrases like “watch it” and “be careful” right after someone stumbles or hits their head, which we believe should be attributed to a genetic malfunction in this species’ predictive abilities.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

“Worrying” means trying to imagine as many horrible outcomes of a given situation as possible. It is one of the most popular human pastimes.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans still haven’t managed to agree on which language to speak.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans are significantly more evil collectively than individually.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Elon Musk’s relentless efforts to find means of getting back home to Mars are attracting too much human attention and will most certainly blow his cover before his ships are ready.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

A common human belief is that ugly humans are beautiful on the inside. This is not true. All humans are ugly on the inside.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

We decided to cancel our human eradication programme when our researchers confirmed that the fastest way of vacating this planet is to leave humans to themselves for a couple of centuries.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

For a species that calls itself intelligent, humans are unconventionally stupid.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans perceive things differently depending on where they stand.

Steve Stewart-Williams

@SteveStuWill

5 years

Oldie but a very goodie

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans have many gods, but one appears to be universal. It is referred to merely as "They". If you need to make a human believe anything you tell them, start with "They say..." and whatever comes after will become indisputable.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Christmas is a celebration in remembrance of the day the first alien successfully infiltrated Earth according to a scheme so sophisticated we had to invent a religion to cover it up.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Tipping is a human concept where you pay somebody else's employee for doing their job.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans who lie for money are called writers.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

You can insult humans simply by describing them.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Many humans believe that dying means becoming an invisible version of yourself with retained cognitive abilities and a great enthusiasm for pranks.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

One of the cruelest known human practices is to inject a small number of weakened bacteria into the human bloodstream to be brutally slaughtered by overwhelming numbers of leukocytes merely as an exercise for their defence skills.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

“Fake news” is what 21st century humans usually call information they don’t like.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Most humans believe that time really exists.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Keep all water frozen deep below the surface of your planet, or it will attract humans.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Apparently you can help a lot of humans by getting yourself nailed to a piece of wood.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

We invented God as a cover story for our Earth operations, but humans have really taken it further than we could ever imagine.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Religious humans tend to believe that the universe is governed by a totalitarian supreme power that constantly spies on everyone and demands unconditional loyalty. All opposition to this deity is publicly demonised and its sympathisers condemned to eternal torture.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans are remarkably talented at turning difference into conflict.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Education is a human method of storing some 5-20 GB of data in the human brain. The transfer usually takes between 10 and 20 years, which corresponds to 15-25% of a human's lifespan.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

4 years

Do WHAT before calling 911??

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans are extremely hypocritical in their attitudes to death. While seemingly sincere in mourning their dead, they are terrified by the mere idea of the dead coming back to life.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Most humans are paranoid. They believe they are being watched and controlled by an invisible being that will punish them for every wrong they commit.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

When humans encounter something new, they first fear it. Then they try to touch it, then eat it, then make it part of their mating ritual. At some point they will try to forbid it, then fight for its rights. Just be patient. Eventually they will start killing each other with it.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans are still amazed by the results of our earliest 3D printer model test, but at least now they've stopped putting their dead kings under them.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans have been out of touch with the rest of the universe ever since Earth was muted and banned for spamming all telepathic communication frequencies with prayers.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Only humans can spend an hour showering and then go out and buy a bottle of water.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans have mastered instant information transfer between machines, but not between themselves. They still need to package information in text and sound, sequentially transferring it word by word. A process so tedious most humans die before they have really learned anything.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans live under the illusion that doing things helps them spend time. However, all available research shows that time spends itself at the exactly same pace with or without human assistance.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Being dead makes humans respect you more.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

4 years

Humans are terrestrial mammals primarily used as transport vessels for viruses.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

If it gives humans cancer, how is it not environmentally friendly?

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

A human that frequently engages in an irrational behaviour is called a “moron”. A growing number of humans engaging in the same irrational behaviour is called a “trend”.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

“Models” are dangerously undernourished humans whose remarkable ability to walk in a straight line is widely admired among the human population.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

You can easily identify other undercover aliens as the ones clapping their hands after their airplane has landed. It's just incredibly impressive every time a human manages to land a flying machine without crashing.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Genitals are a set of organs of varying sizes and shapes that appear to largely control the rest of the human body.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans appear to believe they are more intelligent than plants. They don’t understand the extreme complexity and sophistication of scheming required only to survive when your every move takes a decade to carry out.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Grammar is a sort of linguistic mine field of rules set by humans to trap other humans and extract pleasure from scorning their mistakes.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Sometimes humans abduct each other and blame it on us.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

When we told Noah to build that ship we were imagining something a bit more... interstellar.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Although it is a well-known fact that all humans who have ever lived eventually ended up as fertiliser, many humans still struggle to understand their purpose on Earth.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans annoy each other more than any other animal.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

4 years

Since “Take us to your leader” never gets us to anyone sensible, what phrase should we use instead?

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

3 years

Human amphibious vehicle entering a private submarine tunnel. We have yet a lot to learn about their technology.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Most humans will tell you that all humans should be treated equally. But don’t be surprised if the same humans tell you that family comes first.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans appear to uphold a sacred belief that food must be consumed at certain times of day in certain constellations they actually have names for, so if you ever dare having a steak with chips in the morning you will immediately be exposed as an alien.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

The poor bastards are still trying to make a storyline out of the emoji sets we left on the walls of Egyptian tombs.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Watery eyes means a human is very sad or very happy or carries a contagious disease. Hope this was helpful. Welcome to Earth and good luck!

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

4 years

As much as humans despise their own genitals, hiding them away whenever in public, they seem to absolutely adore plant genitals, putting them up for display at every given opportunity and giving them away as gifts.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

3 years

Racism is a misguided human belief that certain human races are better than others. All our research has proven beyond any shadow of doubt that all human races are equally awful.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans who enjoy being enslaved by vicious unsympathetic beasts inside their own habitat are called “cat people”.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

There is a planet in the Andromeda galaxy where pines celebrate Christmas by bringing abducted humans into their homes, cutting off their feet, fixing them in a corner, decorating them with shiny balls and putting toys under them while they slowly bleed to death.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

3 years

We are getting very conflicting messages from humans about which lives actually matter.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

3 years

Sometimes humans get up earlier to get more procrastination done before getting to work at the same time as always.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans and chimpanzees are 99% the same DNA, but chimps talk less and aren't nearly as obsessed with refurnishing everything around them to fit their own needs. For this humans consider them less intelligent.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Most Twitter users are undercover aliens. The rest are confused Facebook users tweeting pictures of their food and wondering why nobody follows them back.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

3 years

Religion is a set of humans beliefs that sometimes relate to spiritual entities, but are mostly instructions on whom to hate.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans often assume that things they cannot explain with words don’t actually exist.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

Humans are so embarrassed by their own bodies that they endlessly cover them with deliberately purchased patches of fabric in the hope of appearing more attractive.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

5 years

If you have ever perceived any of our prior tweets as discriminatory in any way, please rest assured that we always have and always will consider all humans, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, trade or political affiliation, equally repulsive.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

"Flags" are patterned rectangular sheets humans use to mark territorial units and which somehow tend to become relics of worship. Most human wars started due to disagreements about which flag should be put where.

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Aliens About Humans

@HumansExplained

6 years

Humans have already figured out that atoms are systems of electrons revolving around atomic cores. They've also figured out that the Solar system consists of planets revolving around a core star. Still, for some reason they haven’t yet made the connection.

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