Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks Twitter profile

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Fomo Simpson

9 months

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that. Him: What happens if they get overheated? Her: I see where this is going. Don't even think of- Him: *whispers* hot mess.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Welcome to adulthood. It’s like Groundhog Day but with chores.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Adding Twitter to my resume along with Pier 1 Imports and Blockbuster because unverifiable employment is a vibe.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Me: *goes to website* Website: Ad block detected. Please disable your ad blocker and reload the page. Me: I guess that site will always be one of life's mysteries *navigates away never to return again*

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

That first 6 to 8 months at work after a week off in the summer is always the hardest.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says "alrighty then” we are not the same.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

Him: Amazon Prime and chill? Her: That's not something people say. Him: Sure it is. Bing it. Her: Also not a thing.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

1 year

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I'd have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it's mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

I got laid off from Twitter this morning with no notice. I was the lead engineer responsible for your TL being full of explicit content but only when you are at work, around your parents, or in public spaces.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 months

Like a fallen ice cube kicked under the refrigerator, these are the days of our lives.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

I forgot the word "noon" so instead I said "daytime midnight."

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

10 months

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

TFW - That Feeling When My brain: The Fuck What.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

June is the "Friday afternoon" of months.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Lawns are weird. Let's grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

April 2nd is for pitying the fool.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

We need a Disney Prince from Nigeria who follows through on his emails.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Happy Valentine's Day! ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗽𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗱

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

11 months

Like a fallen ice cube kicked under the refrigerator these are the days of our lives.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

4 years

British TV shows air for either half a season or 42 years. There is no middle ground.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

She's a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever - hang on, being told that's a tent.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

4 years

*tumbleweed made of masks gently rolls by*

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

direct deposit: $1400 me at the Coca Cola factory: We're adding cocaine again, Clark, and that's final.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Being dead is the ultimate form of ghosting.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat* There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Reasons to have a landline phone: 1. To find your cell phone when it's missing 2. See reason #1

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

1 year

I'm really enjoying this drive through the desert. There's so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Mood: sitting in your parked car but the car next to you starts moving which makes you feel like you're moving so you do that frantic brake pump motion but you realize you're stationary and have been scrolling twitter for 20 minutes now and omg just go into the store already.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

I'm old enough to know a little lead poisoning made you tough. It gave you something to talk about over cigarettes with your doctor

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Kellogg's reached out to me for business ideas. I was like just make something special, k.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

RIP Medusa you would've hated selfies.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

1 year

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

I am a: ⚪️ man ⚪️ woman 🔘 bad boy, free-falling seeking: ⚪️ men ⚪️ women 🔘 a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

The band Queen creating a dating profile Username Mr. Fahrenheit Bio Just a poor boy from a poor family Occupation sex machine ready to reload Seeking fat bottomed girls Dislikes - When people stone me & spit in my eye - Biting dust Likes stomp stomp clap

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Before bed: I can't wait for tomorrow. Gonna seize the day! Morning: *wakes up planning nap schedule*

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Can't. Spending the day at my parents changing all their analog clocks.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

4 years

Two school moments you'll never forget: 1. The kid who puked in class. and 2. The biology teacher who said orgasm instead of organism.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Gilbert Gottfried: ST. PETER. BIG FAN. HOW ARE YOU!? I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE A CLIPBOARD AND AN EARPIECE. St. Peter: It's ok, Gilbert. You don't have to do the voice anymore, buddy. Gilbert: ᵀʰᵃⁿᵏ ʸᵒᵘ

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Aragorn: You have my sword. Legolas: And you have my bow. Gimli: And my ax. Schrödinger: And my cat...or do you?

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

*pronounces UPS like yoops

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they're not robots.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

4 years

When the birds sing at 4 am it's "beautiful" and "a part of nature" but when I do it, it's all "shut up or I'll call the cops", and "why is it always Bell Biv Devoe."

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

What's an introverts most uncomfortable moment during their birthday party? All eyes on you while you open gifts? No. People yelling "speech" after you blow out the candles? Getting warmer. The 20 seconds of the Happy Birthday song which feels like an eternity? Bingo.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

February is the "overslept on a Monday morning" of months.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Tweet thieves are the "can I just copy your homework really quick" of adults.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

4 years

*first day as crime scene investigator* *Removes sheet covering victim* *replaces it with a sheet that has pockets* *instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Welcome to your 40s, you now get sports injuries from sleeping weird.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors? Hostage negotiator: I don't quite get your demands.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Brad Pitt: Hi I'm Brad. It's so nice to- Shania Twain *unimpressed*: We're done here.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Me: Siri, smite my enemies. Siri: Calling Smith, Emily.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

People who dislike Ernie, who Bert you?

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Social media apps as friends Facebook Much older than you. Out of touch. Needs you to explain jokes. Instagram Vain. Trivial. Takes a million pics at/of lunch. Twitter Talks in quick short bursts. Awful grammar. All over the place. Easily your most interesting friend.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

1 year

Lit AF stands for Literature's Always Fun.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

4 years

Tom Cruise's full name is Tomahawk CruiseControl

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Ikea manager: We're sorry but we're letting you go. You're fired. Customer: I don't work here. Ikea manager: Not anymore you don't.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

9 months

I'm in my "back in my day" era.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Just got in trouble for using the "fancy coasters."

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

(•_•) <) )> Cause I'm a model, you / \ know what I mean And I do my little turn on \(•_•) the catwalk ( (> Yeah, on the catwalk / \ On the catwalk (•_•) <) )> Yeah, I shake my little tush / \ on the catwalk

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

On April 2nd we pity the fool.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

It's the last day of September. If you were ever going to drop that "Wake me up when September ends" tweet, now's the time.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

Lyrics to final day Natalie Imbruglia of vacation song 🤝 cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

4 years

Biden - 270 Trump - 214 You're fired - 45

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

(Before West Virginia was founded) I wonder where this country road goes?

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

4 years

Sick of trying to follow my dreams I'm just gonna - Whoa.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

I'm having some herbal tea right now because thug life.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Happy 2021! ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗽𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗱

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

I'm Nova Scotia sober. I haven't- *gets into drunken brawl at pier*

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Be less 𝘢𝘸𝘧𝘶𝘭; be more 𝘢𝘸𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥. *drops mic and moonwalks over to inspo Twitter*

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

10 months

The irony of choking on a lozenge and then having a coughing fit.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

5 years

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke. Alexa: I'm afraid I can't due to all the updog. Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

*Danny Glover about to reprise his Lethal Weapon character on SNL for a special appearance* Danny Glover: *sighs* I'm getting too old for this skit.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Canadian: Pops collar American: Sodas collar

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Regular price $5.49 -I don't think so Sale price $5.49 -GIVE ME ALL YOU GOT

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

I forgot the name for wood stove so instead I called it indoor camp fire.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

You have completed Life on survival mode. Would you like to play again on an easier setting?

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Mood: Using my parent's landline phone to call my bank so I can Shazam this amazing hold muzak.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

I hear ya, Rob Thomas. I, too, wish the real world would just stop hassling me.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

1 year

Monday: *exists* Me: Every week with this fucking guy.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Zip Code is short for Ziploc Codependencies.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Bending to tie my shoe. I am now a yogi.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

You're Being Indicted, Charlie Brown

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

"Literally" is the "random" of 15 years ago.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

AC changed "exactly" to "eggs aptly" and now I run a chicken farm.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

My first day working at a factory that makes staircases. "Delivery is late. Guess we won't get our 10,000 steps in today." Everyone is on the floor laughing. I am made employee of the month. The CEO grants me early retirement. I am allowed to take any staircase I want.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Journey dating profile I'm a: city boy Seeking: a small-town girl. Livin' in a lonely world City: South Detroit Born and raised there?: Yes Job: A singer in a smokey room Bio: Livin' just to find emotion Likes: Streetlights, people Dislikes: When people stop believin'

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

I just went dark mode and now I'm being chase by goth kids.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Gen Z doesn't use bed frames. Just a mattress on the floor. Here's why: - never have to vacuum under it (timesaver) - don't need the storage space as they don't have money to buy things to be stored - no place for monsters to hide - closer to outlet to charge iPhone 4

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Mood: spider in a bathtub that can't climb out.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Me, dressed as Twisted Sister: I Wanna Rock! Security guard at Rocking Chair factory: We told you to get outta here.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Freddie Mercury: I've paid my dues. Time after time. Union Rep: I'm gonna stop you right there.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Potential Olympic event: Tired mom at the grocery store dealing with meltdown of 3 yo while dodging toy aisle, credit card person with clipboard, and sweet blue haired lady trying to pay with expired coupons and a cheque.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Wonder what the monolith is doing right now.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

Unpopular opinion: The male urge to combine joke formats - me, flirting ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗽𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗱

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

1 year

Monday: *exists* Me: I didn't agree to any of this.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

11 months

There were thunder bolts and lightning last night. It was very very frightening. Galileo was there for some reason.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

1 year

In the Canadian criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the maple syrup, which is delicious and sticky, and the plaid flannel, which keeps you warm and looks dope af. These are their stories.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

3 years

Aragorn: You have my sword. Legolas: And you have my bow. Gimli: And my Live, Laugh, Love lower back tattoo.

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Fomo Simpson

@HaliPhacks

2 years

It use to be diggity all the time. Diggity all day long. Diggity this and diggity that. Then it was only some diggity then barely any diggity. Now, it's no diggity. What happened to us!

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