Norm MacDonald is hands down my greatest hero and i hope to one day achieve a fraction of what he achieved in the world of comedy.
RIP to the funniest comic ever
Got a new haircut. Was told by 2500 people during stream that it sucked and then my wife said it sucked then my best friend said it sucked then I got on Reddit to unwind and
hats off to rockstar for making one of the best single player games of all time and one of the worst multiplayer games of all time and somehow they're both Red Dead 2
my daughter pisses on the floor.
my dog pisses in the yard.
my pregnant wife pisses her pants when she sneezes.
and i get in trouble for pissing on the toilet seat. at least i made it to the fucking toilet.
My wife is on a rampage trying to figure out which family member fed our dog table scraps that caused her to have explosive diarrhea all last night.
(Spoiler Alert: It was me)
I told everyone that when I hit a million subs I'd buy myself an Eames Lounge Chair with black leather cushions and a palisander shell.
Well, I just hit a million subs and guess what?
I can't afford it lmao
Usually YouTubers come up with some bullshit half baked excuse as to why they haven’t been making videos but boy oh boy do I have a banger excuse:
My mom died and then I got hit by a hurricane
im paying $1200 a month for my family health care plan.
yesterday i woke up with pretty bad abdominal pain. I called the doctor and he told me to go take a shit.
I took a shit and i feel fine now. Worth every penny.
I was cutting firewood and Abby said I didn't know what I was doing, I told her to go inside and as soon as she went in I cut my thigh with the axe and now I'm hiding outside because I don't want her to know she was right.
More than getting an item in game, what warms my heart is seeing how much you guys like that I have an item in game. Seriously grateful to have you guys.
hope u get diabetes drinking it
Three year olds are fucking brutal man. My daughter just listed all of her best friends (which was basically everyone she knows) and intentionally left out her mom because she wouldn’t let her eat chalk. She was holding her at the time.
hope everyone had an awesome halloween except the people that put a bowl of candy on their porch it takes the fun out of the holiday and ur a fucking grinch and all the kids hate you and you deserve to have the whole bowl stolen
#36
on trending
This is big. I will be thinking of this when I get turned down for sex tonight and begrudgingly masturbate in the bathroom while the faucet is running so nobody can hear me crying
aw i feel horrible my nephew got mud in his eye from my wicked cool swag jump i did and now has a bacterial infection that requires antibiotic eyedrops.
suits him right. everyone knows to never stare directly into one of my signature puddle jumps.
Whoever sent in that 1200 watt PSU I just want you to know I installed it and did great cable management and everything before I realized you took the cpu cable out of the box before shipping it.
You have cost me hours and my sanity. Good job.
America is on the cusp of a civil war.
I will be waiting until the 3rd quarter and join the winning side because I have no principles and would just like to carry on masturbating until I die of old age.
Imagine your career bruised because you cheated on a minecraft speedrun.
If ur gonna fuck up at least do something cool like get caught conducting a midget jousting tourney in your basement or sumn.
Was waiting on a sponsor to approve an ad. They just got back to me and told me there was absolutely no way in hell they would sponsor my video. So sponsorless video tomorrow at 1pm.
I expect bloodshed regardless of who wins. When the chaos breaks out, when the people turn on each other, and when our country is in flames... That's when nobody will notice me stealing my neighbor's brand new solar panels