Dave Weasel @DaveWeasel Twitter profile

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

1 year

Plz check out Valley Boys Podcast and give it a good rating if you like it, or a bad one if you hate it Apple: Spotify:

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Last Seen Profiles

@ACTRESS_FUCKER_

@i_shintaro

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@Donnami_cos

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@ennergeric

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@K9_KURO

@Plaster_Harris

Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Kanye: nice to meet you Trump: I just made you head of HUD Kanye: I'm not Ben Carson Trump: my bad, Mr. Obama

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

3 years

“Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage” - Norm MacDonald

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

9 years

Hey @realDonaldTrump you saw a kid lost in New York and didn't tell an adult. How can we trust you to be president?

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

5 years

But why @Sethrogen

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

2 months

When your 8 year old nephew flexes his muscles at you

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

I can't believe No Doubt is getting back together.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Photographer: pose! Melanie: how? P: Like you know nothing about gardening. M: lol got it.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Rich American assholes pay a company called Two Waters Safaris thousands of dollars to take them hunting for elephants. I bought the domain and it now redirects to the Viagra website 🐘 🔹

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Hey @realDonaldTrump , here's something else Obama accomplished that you never will.

Michelle Obama

@MichelleObama

7 years

Happy 25th anniversary @barackobama . A quarter of a century later, you're still my best friend & the most extraordinary man I know. I 💕 you.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

I bought the domain for white supremacist group @VanguardAm 's slogan & now it goes to the United Negro College Fund.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Since Mike Pence opposes gay rights, I bought the domain and redirected it to a Christian LGBTQ support group.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Flipity flop. Flipty floopty flip flop scoop poop.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

I bought the domain and it redirects to a Planned Parenthood donation page.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

8 years

Thanks to @realDonaldTrump , my Canadian citizenship has made me LA's most eligible bachelor.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

3 years

When an antivaxxer tries going to Applebee’s with a fake vaccine card

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Ok America, we know the drill: Ignore the fact the shooter hearing voices had easier access to firearms than mental health care.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Steven Seagal looks like Peter Griffin in a bad disguise.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

4 years

Subscribe to my pathetic YouTube, first upload in 5 years

Dave Weasel - Emotional Support Dogs

LOS ANGELES: December 11: https://jaminthevan.com/show/dave-weasel-friends/Podcast: https://bit.ly/2MXW3uN Dave Weasel @daveweasel

www.youtube.com

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

72 virgins as promised.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Banning cars would shut down civilization. Banning military grade assault rifles means you'll have to start stuffing your pants with a sock.

Carl DeMaio

@carldemaio

7 years

Another car drives into crowd in London - liberals to call for car control?

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

-Trump is president -Nazis in the streets -Dennis Rodman negotiates with NK dictator It's like every rejected 90s screenplay came to life.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Because it's a playstation controller.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

The Westboro Baptist Church has song parodies on their website spewing out hate towards gay people, so to undermine their efforts I released some as an album called God Loves Gays & will give the proceeds to LGBTQ civil rights group HRC. Pay what you want:

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

The human species doesn't have a chance.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

I have to miss the Mayweather/MacGregor fight tonight because I don't give shit.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

This is amazing.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

This illustrates exactly how outdated the 2nd Amendment is. Via @SUPGVNetwork

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Me too, Pope Francis.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

@realDonaldTrump "Rocket Man" was 8 years old when Clinton was elected.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

If women collectively agree to never fuck a man with elephant trophies, it will eliminate the need to have them.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Growing up in Canada, the only time my high school went on 'lockdown' was when a moose was on the property. I'm not kidding.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

I am not surprised Ann Coulter is spending Christmas in a 7-11 men's room.

Ann Coulter

@AnnCoulter

7 years

My Christmas card: 7-Eleven Men’s Room Door, Bonner Springs, Kansas, today…

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

3 years

“I’d rather die from drunk driving than not drive drunk”

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Black Mirror Season 4

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

No, it's a human-given right to own guns - written at a time you could also own humans.

Joe Walsh

@WalshFreedom

6 years

Sorry, my God-given right to own a firearm isn't up for debate. #MarchForOurLives

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

4 years

Don’t talk to me OR my emotional support fox.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

3 years

And now a word from the Office of the Former President

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

8 years

Hey @netflix this show didn't fit the description at all, but I'm not disappointed.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Trump meeting with the presidents of Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Your use of the word 'otherwise' suggests you studied English at Trump University.

Ivanka Trump

@IvankaTrump

7 years

Cuddling my little nephew Luke... the best part of an otherwise incredible day!

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

4 years

$5 says he typed "Justin T" because he couldn't spell Trudeau.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

4 years

I guess Justin T doesn’t much like my making him pay up on NATO or Trade!

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

@realDonaldTrump Columbus "discovers" a land inhabited for thousands of years and Trump "declares" a holiday observed since 1937.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Hey @realDonaldTrump , keep in mind at the next DACA meeting that your grandfather moved here through chain migration to avoid military service, your mother came here and lived with your aunt with $50 to be a nanny, and your wife worked here illegally on a tourist visa.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

If you're wondering why one attack counts as terrorism and the other doesn't:

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Tell your son not to pass out in my uber again.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

3 years

This is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

@realDonaldTrump TRUMP DECLARES THE FIRST DAY OF THE YEAR WILL BE JAN 1

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Billion dollar idea: a ceiling fan where you can tell what each fucking chain does.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

My stupid parents didn't get me the new impeachment I wanted.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Kim Jong Un looks like a nurse getting busted for stealing pain medication.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Glad we had this talk, Anthony.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Will you be held accountable to your new libel laws, @realDonaldTrump ?

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

12 years

An 'extremely credible source' has called my office and told me that @BarackObama 's birth certificate is a fraud.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

2 years

Parking lot in front of a liquor store

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

This idiot in my Uber said 'supposeibly' so I'm done holding in this fart.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

4 years

Not today, white lady

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

3 years

*4 years ago* “If you don’t like it, you can get out.” *now* “We don’t like the results of the results of a democratic election so we’re storming the Capitol Building”

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Steven Seagal will always look like Peter Griffin in a bad disguise.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

I was quoted in an old article from right wing lunatic Glenn Beck's publication as a crybaby libtard. They don't realize it says SEND NUDES.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Perfect.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Happy President's Day Obama and nobody else!

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

4 years

Nature is healing

NBC Chicago

@nbcchicago

4 years

Hurricane Laura Topples Confederate Statue After Vote to Keep It

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

I never though I would utter these words but I don't know what planet we're on anymore: Michigan, please don't elect Kid Rock to the senate

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

3 years

What’s the whitest thing a person can say?

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Chris Christie: I'm a bad dude, I took my family to a public beach I had closed down Joel Osteen: hold my non-acloholic white wine spritzer

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

8 years

Much better.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Well, @realDonaldTrump ?

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

9 years

So sad that Obama rejected Keystone Pipeline. Thousands of jobs, good for the environment, no downside!

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

A story in three acts.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

We are not 'sore losers', we are handcuffed to a dead hooker for four years.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

If you could personify coconut rum vomit with nail polish as cracked as its phone screen, you'd have Tomi Lahren.

Tomi Lahren

@TomiLahren

7 years

How do I deal with haters?Well they talk a lot of smack about DJT too & yet he’s the most powerful leader on Earth. No one hunts small deer!

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

8 years

If you're worried about illegal immigrants "stealing" your job, maybe you shouldn't have dropped out of school in the 9th grade.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

6 years

Looking for people who go to IHOP for burgers.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

While our next president, jackass @realDonaldTrump tweets angrily at a sketch show, our current president focuses on other things;

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

Being Christian doesn't absolve you from being a dickhead.

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

4 years

I’ve been advised by a comedian I admire to talk more about myself when I do standup. I grew up Jehovah’s Witness so I’ll try some jokes about that. Knock knock

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Dave Weasel

@DaveWeasel

7 years

The people recycling 'comedians should stay out of politics' trash are the same people who elected a reality show host as president.