Chris Stephens @ChrisStephensMD Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

8 months

Pinning this so I can go back to it and hear @joemcadam cry whenever I want.

butt

@ButtGuys

1 year

Hope this doesn't hurt his chances during award season but we found a frantic 911 call Steven Spielberg made in 1982.

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@sette__

Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

When I pack too much for a short trip.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

When Timothee Chalamet first got cast in Dune the studio hired me to read the book out loud to him and every time I read the word Paul he went “that’s me!!”

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

10 months

Quick shoutout to the good people at @UniversalPics for trimming the trees that gave our picket line shade right before a 90+ degree week.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

11 months

It’s really been an honor to watch people not just steal this joke from me, but use the same picture that I took of my very bad TV.

Shafeeq

@Y2SHAF

11 months

me packing to go on a 3 day holiday

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

Super unprofessional when ventriloquists argue with their puppets over which one of them is the dummy. Figure that shit out backstage.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

When I was 18 my grandma came to see me at an open mic and the host pointed at her and went “yo why the fuck is eleanor roosevelt here?”

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

8 months

Classic talk show photoshop rule, if you're going to combine two people to make fun of them make sure the result doesn't look almost exactly like you.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

(Godzilla appears on screen) oh god what else is that guy in, it’s killing me

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

Having a nice bottle of red with dinner this evening.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 months

I’m about to land on this motherfucker’s lap at terminal velocity.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

MONDAY: haha, shrimp! TODAY: (a far more serious tone) shrimp

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

7 years

Yelp shut down my account one year ago today.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

I'm about to blow up on barbershop quartet Reddit.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

Please don’t just assume that your friend who walks around town dressed fancy is living large. For many of us it’s all for show.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

He's got a point.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

Can’t stop doing The Northman around the apartment.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

6 years

the seven minutes between this tweet being tweeted and deleted were probably the best seven minutes of my life

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

11 months

Far and away my all time favorite clickbait headline.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

7 years

@ShutUpAndrosky

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

“I don’t care, I’m posting it!”

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

this is my favorite picture of j lo and a rod

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

7 years

(to the tune of We Will Rock You) I feed my dog dog food

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

Got his ass.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

Pete was 100% created a year ago in a laboratory and has a two year lifespan.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

RPG Jay Leno

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

Dane Cook texting his wife.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

As a Jew I always feel really left out during the scene in Die Hard where the dead guy's wearing this sweater so I made a quick edit to it.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

PERSON ON PODCAST: well i was hired to write for TV straight out of college, but one summer when i was a kid i walked dogs to make some extra money ME: (carrying an overflowing barrel of bubbling, bright green acid that keeps sloshing out and touching my skin) aw i love dogs

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

Been watching early 90’s episodes of Jeopardy where the third place prize was a Nintendo. Here are some of the people that won a Nintendo.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

10 months

@DaveMcNamee3000 @UniversalPics but i don’t want to!

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

to everyone asking if this is real: yes of course it is!

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

(a guy that i accidentally farted in front of ten years ago wins an oscar) GUY: wow, what an honor. you know, i’d like to talk to you all about something tonight... ME WATCHING AT HOME: oh god here we go

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

Can confidently say this is the best purchase I’ve ever made.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

6 years

Improv has made me a better writer. Sorry, typo. Waiter.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

don't see how this changes anything

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

Girlfriend asked me to take the trash out, I said "uhh sure one sec" then she walked in on me making this photoshop.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

(a banana is hosting SNL) BANANA: it’s an honor to be here tonight... (an apple stands up in the crowd) APPLE: oh really?? (crowd loses their shit) BANANA: yes really! (a grape stands up in the crowd) GRAPE: oh REALLY?? (the crowd is crying tears of joy)

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

Not gonna lie this choked me up.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

Hearing people talk about how “the nerds have taken over the mainstream!” really makes me wish there were an underground indie film movement being led by jocks. Just a bunch of beautiful, avant garde short films called “The Chugging” and “Les Bullés.”

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

8 years

I've decided to star brewing my own beer. It's called Two Dogs Fucking Beer and I just finished the logo.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

6 years

Excited to use my printer (the thing that makes me incredibly angry) to create a gun.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

If you donate to trump's legal fund they text you updates on their strategy.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

Super laid back way to kill some time

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

This is like if our country collapsed because of Pauly Shore.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

10 months

@UniversalPics We'd love to see you on the picket line with us but if you're looking for a way to support workers in need financially please consider donating to the Emergency Community Fund!

Entertainment Community Fund

secure2.convio.net

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

Don’t know what this guys learning but I want in.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

6 years

I'm 100% sure Trump has done that thing cartoon characters do where they cut one slice of a cake then take away the rest of the cake except for that one slice in real life.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

Vulture

@vulture

4 years

Alec Baldwin and Kelsey Grammer to star in an ABC sitcom that will premiere in the 2021–2022 TV season

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 months

We should be allowed to vote on whether we care about Zach Braff and Donald Faison’s friendship.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

6 years

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van FRIEND: ...and? ME: that's it i guess

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

1 year

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

The Try Guy has changed his name and moved to Alaska. He sits alone in a bar. Suddenly a man bursts in. MAN: please, i need help!! is there anyone here that knows how to try?! A single bead of sweat trickles down the Try Guy’s forehead.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

This is written like she took a poop.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

I will never stop lying down on this gigantic chocolate bar

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

8 years

"Thanks..." (reads Starbucks employee's name tag) "Greg." (sits down and searches "Greg from Starbucks nude" on laptop with huge monitor)

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

6 years

There are a ton of pop culture themed pop up bars in LA but none that really appeal to me, which is why I have decided to open my own bar: The That Time Lenny Kravitz's Penis Popped Out Of His Pants Saloon.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

Submitting a writing packet without an agent or manager.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

I think I’m going to write a new joke about Mrs. Doubtfire’s tits catching on fire every day. I think that’s going to be my “big project.”

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

1 year

Ok let me get this straight these Hollywood writers can afford to buy a Honk-O-Meter and they’re asking for MORE money?

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

The first tattoo I’d get if I was the Memento guy.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

(santa buying his first hat) SANTA: yeah i’ll take the santa hat HAT STORE EMPLOYEE: the what

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

Would’ve been great if after all the build up Revenge Of The Sith ended with Anakin Skywalker becoming Chewbacca.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

Dave Chappelle telling a ghost story and hitting his knee with the flashlight to make the scary parts seem more scary.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

9 years

I've finally created a piece of comedy that will stand the test of time. http://t.co/EXy9Cd2Hkv

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

(pitching a sketch to Elon Musk) ok so you know how you’re a fuckin idiot? well i was thinking

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

Oh no!!!

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

This is such a funny idea of how sketch writing works.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

I came here to do two things: love, and sing Air Supply. And I’m all out of love.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

You think the sexual tension in YOUR place is crazy? I’m quarantined with these two.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

7 years

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 months

Me watching you all share clips of that hateful show 30 Rock.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

WRITER OF GHOULIES: there’s only one part of a toilet you can pop out of WRITER OF GHOULIES 2: hold my beer

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

1 year

(guy that invented insulin and sold the patent for $1 comes back to the vending machine at his work and sees that the dr. pepper he was eyeing actually costs $1.25) aww fuck!! cmon man!! fuck!!!

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

1 year

Rule number one of shaving your head: don’t wear the Dr. Evil shirt.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

POV of someone walking by La Poubelle.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 months

The A.V. Club

@TheAVClub

4 months

Nicole Kidman was told she was "too tall" for movies

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

The end of Kitchen Nightmares is so much better if you imagine he walks out and says all this to a random person on the street minding their own business.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

6 years

CNN ANCHOR: this is NOT the america any of us signed up for. we’ll be right back. (five ads designed to trick old poor people into going bankrupt play) CNN ANCHOR: and we’re back

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

Ok Trump, strike two!

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

LADbible

@ladbible

3 years

Who should be the next James Bond?

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

1 year

(telling someone how to take care of my dog) ok so when you take off his leash say “look out ladies” and when he sits say “wow what a gentleman” and when he’s sleeping say “dreamin bout a bone!” oh and make sure you feed him

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

Yeah, I’m taken. Taken a dump!

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

1 year

Steven Spielberg at the end of The Fabelmans.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

Love the dot dot dot making it seem like David Cross is normally a huge liar.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

All the new Republican congressmen look like anime lawyers.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

People think it's SO funny that Elvis died "on the toilet" but the truth is actually not funny at all (his poop shot him into the ceiling and he hit his head)

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

I don't think Joe Biden's dog is gonna bite anyone else...wait...OH NO!!

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

Best part of Real Housewives is when one of them goes “I LOVE sex, I don’t know what I’d do without it!!” then you see their husband and they look like this.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

5 years

Got this book off of eBay for two dollars and THIS NOTE was inside it.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

3 years

@kyleayers welcome to the club brother

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

6 years

Applying for a job with the Hollywood tour company Rasta Bus. I think they'll appreciate this.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

10 months

Saw Stuart Little's tiny red car crossing the picket line today 😡

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

1 year

my mom just emailed me this??

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

4 years

@nickciarelli Hi Nick I hope you’re well. I work for Tom Steyer and we’re prepared to offer you 30 million dollars to create a dance like this for our campaign.

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Chris Stephens

@ChrisStephensMD

2 years

This will either end in nuclear war or Zelensky Funko Pops and I’m not prepared for either.

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