Jon @ArfMeasures Twitter profile

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

⚡️ The Better Ones

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Her: I actually think Ratatouille is a boring movie Me *shakes head at waiter bringing the engagement ring*

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@ArfMeasures

5 years

Netflix: Should I play this movie? Me: No no I'm just looking at it for a second Netflix: I'll put it on Me: I'm just literally reading what it is Netflix: It's playing :)

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

3 years

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we'll have the tube

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder? McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don't need to put Mc in front of words Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account! Me: Yeah that was me Gmail: No it was on another device! Me: Yes my tablet Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?! Me: what no Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

GOD: 8 ANGEL: 9! GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk ANGEL: 10 lol GOD: 15!! ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25 GOD: 30!! CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL ANGEL: LMAO

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Interviewer: Why do you want to work for Facebook? Me: I'm keen on protecting people's data and want them to have a good user experience Interviewer: Me: Interviewer: Me: haha I'm joking I don't give a shit Interviewer: haha omg I was like whaaatttt lmao

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Date: What do you do? Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you like me Cop: omg shut up I do not

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Therapist: What's wrong? Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce Therapist: And who told you that? Me: *tearfully clears throat*

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant? ME: OH NO

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Hozier *gets into Uber* Driver: lol I can guess where you want me to take you Hozier: Starbucks, please Driver *visibly disappointed* right

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses? Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao Accountant: what Willy Wonka: what

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

7 years

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got...toe-jam football, he got...monkey finger, he shoot...Coca-Cola POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Doctor: I have your test results Me: did I pass hahaha Doctor: hahaha you will soon Me: haha what

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Cop: you're going to prison for forgery Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Wife *yelling from other room* you're making bread? Why are you making bread? Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it Duck *holding gun* good answer

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you Me: ok Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory Me: oh no

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Her: I don't even know what the cloning machine does Me: Well that makes two of us

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? Me: Because of something my boss said Interviewer: It says here you were fired Me: That's the thing he said

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES:

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy! Worm: Thanks for the "worm" welcome haha God *creates birds*

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Wife: So you write tweets about us? Me: Sometimes Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting? Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook? DJ: no

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

9 years

[park] STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking ME: Yeah, he's interbred DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments GENIE: um ok ME: I wish everyone was gullible GENIE: Done ME: And I wish for updog GENIE: What's updog? ME: *looks at camera*

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Cop *knocking on door* open up it's the police! Me: it's ok, I haven't done any crimes Cop: The fashion police Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Son: Can I go on the xbox? Me: No it's too violent, you should play family games like I used to [30 years ago] Me: I think the professor was strangled in the library with a rope

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you're fired Me: A rat becomes a chef Movie Exec: ok Me: A dog plays basketball Movie Exec: Good Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school Movie Exec: Get out

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down Me *reads the news out loud* Spider *depressed* holy shit

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

3 years

Doctor: do you exercise? Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks Doctor: Me: cronchies Doctor: I'm gonna put no Me: ok

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Doctor: You have 6 months to live Me: omg what can I do? Doctor: Oh lots of things Me: Phew Doctor: but only for 6 months

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Date: You shouldn't be using a straw Me: I know, I know, it's bad for the environment Date: It's just a weird way to eat spaghetti

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Cop: We've found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you Me: Where was he? Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car Me *impressed* he really went for it

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

HER: You ran over my cat ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

8 years

[court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins Wife: No you didn't Dog: Ruff Me: See, wrath! Wife: He said ruff! You can't teach a dog to Dog: Gluttony Wife: Holy shit

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help Me: I went to the park today Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that Me *opens coat* this duck

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day* Priest: Me: Priest: Look she might come back

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Boss: Can I see you in my office? Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Wife: Sarah's husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you'd do that! Me: uh ok [next day] Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don't get it either

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

INTERVIEWER: Do you use Microsoft Office? ME: I "excel" at it INTERVIEWER: haha ok ME: You have my Word INTERVIEWER: ok I get what yo- ME: Access INTERVIEWER: You're just saying words now ME: Powerpoint

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

7 years

MECHANIC [kicking the tires] There's something I need to tell you about your car ME: What? MECHANIC [punches the door] I hate it

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

7 years

BOSS: Know why I called you in here? ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Guy *sits next to me on bus* how's it going? Me: I think it's because the wheels on the bus go round and round Guy: ok man

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes ME: Put Ratatouille on

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Darth Vader: Come to the dark side Moth: Absolutely not

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

7 years

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii? WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i's CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn't it Linda

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

[Bed] GF: Am I bad girl? ME: Yeah you're a bad girl GF: oh yeah [pulls me closer] so how *bad* am I? ME [remembering she said she didn't want dessert & then ate my dessert] you're a fucking nightmare tbh Linda

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you've forgotten my name? ME: Haha of course that's BARISTA: Latte for Rachel ME: not true, Rachel DATE: That's not mine ME: DAMN IT

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

"Some people call me the space cowboy" *leans in* "Some people call me the gangster of love" BARISTA: I'm just gonna put Steve on the cup

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Day 1: Staying at home, avoiding social gatherings, and eating food I have hoarded Day 50: Continuing with this process Day 100: Still feeling ok Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what I do

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

7 years

SURGEON: I'm afraid that your Grandma is very critical ME: Oh no SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

[Being chased by a bear in the snow] Me: Should we hide??! Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Me: The only thing I'm guilty of is starting singalongs Judge: And that you killed a man Me: put a gun against his head Jury: pulled my trigger now he's dead Judge: mama

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Me *hiding under the bed* Murderer: Me: Murderer: Me: Murderer: I'm just a small town girl Me: LIVING IN A Loh no

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Guy: Women are so mysterious Her: You're a prick Guy: Another riddle

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me: You should have been more specific Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel Me: ok that does make more sense

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

3 years

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn't gonna be a good day for you

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

7 years

DATE: What's your favourite movie? ME: Kill Bill DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated ME [long pause] Killiam William

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Therapist: Have you ever had a job? Me: I once worked at a zoo Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that? Me: Definitely not a penguin Therapist: what Me: what

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird Waldo's wife *dabbing eyes* it's what he would've wanted

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Her: Tell me what you want Me: A burrito Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date* McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

3 years

Doctor: we weaned you off the hallucinegic drugs, you're clean now Shaggy: how great is that scoob! Scooby: woof Shaggy: what

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Son: Daddy, there's a monster under my bed Me *ruffles his hair* why do you think I chose the other room?

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

3 years

Me *putting honey on toast* Son: do you know bees make that? Me: uh yeah I'm not an idiot [Later] Date: tell me something interesting Me: bees make toast

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

BANK ROBBER: There'll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool ME *remembering I'm me* oh no

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are ME: Ok DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut ME *lip starts trembling* DENTIST: I see

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me *buying alcohol* Him: I need identification Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey Him: I meant you Me: I'm Jon

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Boss: We've just found out that one of you is a sloth Jim: oh no Jo: oh no Karl: oh no Boss: obviously we will need to Me: oh no

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Old lady: I swallowed a fly Bird: why are you Old lady: and a spider Bird: why are you opening my cage

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

911: Did you ring yesterday? Boy: No 911: Day before? Boy: Definitely not 911: Your voice is familiar Boy: Please just help 911: Ok can you describe your attacker? Boy: It's a wolf 911: Oh for fu

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids Wife: When? Me: Between 2 and 5 Wife: Ok Me: I'll be back when they're 6

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

3 years

Me: ok that's everything in the dishwasher *presses start and turns around* Teaspoon: you're not gonna believe this

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

[Bar] Hot woman *winks* so what's a girl need to do to get a drink around here? Me: You just ask at the bar for one and then exchange it for money [3 days later] Me *tying my shoelaces* wait a second

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Wife: We're going to have a baby! Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is? Me: I already googled and it's a very tiny human

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Wife *holding newborn* isn't this the best day ever Me *remembering when 2 Twixes fell out the vending machine* it's top two for sure

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house Me: What, really? Neighbour: Promise me you'll get an exorcist Me: I promise Neighbour: It's important because you live alone Me: No I don't Her: Thank you, I promise Me: Oh God

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money Bank teller: um that's a water pistol Me *aiming at her mouth* I've filled it with La Croix Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Me: I want to- Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit! Me: What?!! That word isn't even in my vocabulary! Boss: Ok good. Go on Me: I want to stop working here

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Date: When I'm with a handsome man, I get all nervous & start speaking French Me *leans closer* oh is that right? Date: Yes

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me: There's no lamb Chef: Then grill the chicken Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him? ME: Yeah, sure [home] WIFE: Where's Harry? ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

4 years

Her: After sex I love to share our deepest thoughts :) Me: Instead of a stapler I call it a desk crocodile Her: Actually let's just sleep

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

3 years

Genie: you have 17 wishes Me: isn't it normally 3?? Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao Me *daren't move* haha what a loser

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Me: Oh God help I've been stabbed in the tummy 911: how old are you? Me: 38 911: omg Me: what 911: 38 Me: what 911: tummy Me: just send help 911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha God *creates asteroids*

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

Wife: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

8 years

ME: This house is haunted WIFE [sigh] We've been thru this, that's our son SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh? Me: Please face the front

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

6 years

BOSS: What's going on here? ME: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally- DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!! ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby's funeral* beautiful

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Jon

@ArfMeasures

5 years

[Concert] Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!! Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!! Me: ᶦᵗ'ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

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