Abhishek Upmanyu @AbhiUpmanyu Twitter profile

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Abhishek Upmanyu

7 months

The special is now available for free on YouTube. Enjoy.

Abhishek Upmanyu - Jealous of Sabziwala (FULL SPECIAL)

This is the complete special! Thank you to those who bought the special and no thank you to those who stole it. You are a thief and the police will be at you...

www.youtube.com

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Deepika Padukone heroine bhi hai aur hero bhi.

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Main keha dil jit leya @diljitdosanjh ne.

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Feel bad for Rhea. Drugs usne liye, nasha media waalo ko ho gaya.

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4 years

Meri cousin ke 93% aur woh udaas hai kyunki uski ek dost ke 95% aaye. Maine kaha hai usse dosti tod de, tab tere friends mein tu topper.

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Math Chemistry Physics padh li par history nahi padhi.

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9 months

Score- 82 Status- Rejected Score- 41 Status- Selected Even if you study for 20 hours a day to secure a seat at IIT, your seat will be given to someone who has scored half of your marks. In India, hard work has no value. It is cheaper than table salt.

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3 years

Pandemics toh aate rahenge

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3 years

Public programs of Union Home Minister Shri @AmitShah in West Bengal. Date: 16th April 2021. 1) Public Meeting in Tehatta at 11:30AM 2) Roadshow in Krishnanagar Uttar at 1PM 3) Roadshow in Barrackpore at 3PM 4) Public Meeting in Khardaha 4:45PM

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4 years

Gareeb logo ke papa ki yahi problem hai ki woh log hard work nahi karte aur pehle bohat burey kaam kiye the.

Sonam K Ahuja

@sonamakapoor

4 years

Today on Father’s Day id like to say one more thing, yes I’m my fathers daughter and yes I am here because of him and yes I’m privileged. That’s not an insult, my father has worked very hard to give me all of this. And it is my karma where I’m born and to whom I’m born. I’m proud

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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3 years

#NewProfilePic

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

Mummy roz phone kar ke pooch rahi hain ki tum drugs toh nahi karte. Kabhi Bol deti hain pakka karte hoge. Bol rahi thi saath aake rehne lagungi. Yeh sab Kangna ki wajah se ho raha hai. Agar meri mom mere sath aake rehne lagi toh main Kangna ki koi movie nahi dekhunga.

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3 years

Instagram content creators ko life mein kahin Maja aajaye aur record na ho toh unko lagta hai Maja aana waste ho gaya.

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3 years

Mera OTP toh turant he aa gaya you losers

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4 years

Slept through the powers cut. Aur utho jaldi tum log.

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4 years

Breaking News: Considering his recent behaviour, Mobile cell companies have banned Kunal Kamra from putting his phone on Flight Mode.

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4 years

59 Chinese apps ban ho gayi hain, aur mujhe unmse se bas ek ka naam pata tha.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

I apologise to all the people I wished Happy New Year a few months back.

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4 years

I woke up at 5:30AM today and the smell of the morning is making me think ki Maine homework nahi kia hai.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

There was a time jab parents dhamki dete the ki cable katwa denge taaki bacche bigad na jaaye. Meri mummy aajkal news dekh ke jo mujhe bol rahi hai mera bhi same mann kar raha hai.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

Made this comic just to see Kaun se fuddu mujhe Twitter pe follow karte hain. Please dil se reply karna

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4 years

Vikas Dubey has been shot. Agar usne koi bhi tv series jaise ki narcos etc dekha hota toh usse pata hota ki police waalo ko nahi maarna chahiye tha.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

Yeh aadmi mera career kha jayega. Lagta hai mujhe kuch naya karna padega.

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4 years

A friend of mine asked me to upload a video,as a dare,in which I have to impersonate my favourite standup comic. Here.

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4 years

Meditation karte time khujli hoti rehti hai tabhi saare monks takley hain.

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4 years

Chalo 2020 mein kuch acchi khabar aayi. Very excited.

Anup Soni

@soniiannup

4 years

All new episodes of #CrimePatrol starting from today ,20th July at 11pm , Mon to Fri...Only @SonyTV @001Danish @golu_a @SonyLIV

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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3 months

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4 years

Arnab ka ghar bada accha hai yar.

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2 years

Hahahahahahahaha aapke muh pe jyada accha lag raha hai. You’re such a good sport 🔥

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2 years

It's unbelievable the kind of love and fame Crime Patrol has given me. Each Meme,dubsmash,reel, stand up,spoof,etc etc have contributed to the popularity. A big thank you to all creators and yes keep it up 😉😘. And this one is for all of you, especially for @AbhiUpmanyu

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4 years

Mujhe udne ki power chahiye sirf isliye taaki pochha maarte time mere he paer Meri mehnat na kharab karein.

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3 years

Just give your maids a weekly leave just like you want it

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4 years

If fasting is good for your body toh karvachauth se pati ki nahi, biwi ki umar badh rahi hai

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4 years

What happens if you smoke bad weed?

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3 years

To all my friends, sorry mere WhatsApp mein problem chal rahi hai. Reply nahi karo toh reply he nahi jata.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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2 years

RIP Raju Shrivastav. Aapko pehli bar laughter challenge pe dekh ke main jitna hassa tha woh hamesha yaad rahega. Aapki wajah se comedy karne ka confidence aaya. You will be missed. Thank you for everything 💔

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

If I didn’t do my homework, the teacher would make me do squats. In the long run I am better off than kids who completed their homework. They might be earning more, but I have better lower body strength.

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3 years

The year 2021: Pressure mat daalo mujhpe

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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7 years

Two inspirational quotes by Indian Teachers 1- Is this a Fish Market? 2- Please maintain Pin drop silence

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

RT if you believe coronavirus exists in society because of communist China & anti national termites like these in India.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 years

I randomly opened the “Hindi ChessBase India” channel and they were doing commentary on the match between “Wesley So” and “ Teimour Radjabov” and the FIRST thing I heard was “Raja ka baaja baja hua hai”. Hindi commentary se accha kuch nahi hai, kisi bhi game mein.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

Hey birds, we aren’t dead. Don’t get too excited.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

In case you missed the biggest achievement of my life.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 months

Cervical cancer Ki awareness kam aur doubt jyada phail gaya hai. Agli bar koi bolega kisi ko cervical cancer hai log kahenge, 2 din wait Karte Hain Pehle.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

If you are living a healthy lifestyle, make sure Apne dosto ko bhi karwa do varna woh mar jayenge aur tum akele fir gym jana aur oats khana

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

Bohat dino baad Bollywood mein bohat acchi funny movie aayi hai. Lootcase. Dekh lo agar nahi dekhi toh. Saare he actors ne bohat bakchodi macha di. Hotstar pe hai.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

Hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar marte hain, shaadi bhi ek bar karte hain, aur pyaar, pyaar bhi ek baar karte hain, magar bc yeh bartan Roz dhone padte hain

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

New Year’s Eve in 7 months wohooooooooo. Can’t wait.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

An article

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

I swear mujhe cricket ka Kuch ni pata, but now I know ki mujhe kaun c team support karni hai.

SunRisers Hyderabad

@SunRisers

4 years

One LAAAAAARGGEEE biryani.......... #RRvSRH #OrangeArmy #KeepRising #Dream11IPL

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

I had no idea that we were still on the fence about whether burning someone else’s place of worship is wrong.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

People who use the term “Male Feminist” are usually the ones who’ve harassed someone.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 years

Agar mujhe baccho k exams ko thodi bhi padi hoti na toh bohat funny tweet karta

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

Student crowd- Enjoy. Although tum log toh Majey le he logey jo marzi ho jaaye

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

All the AAP people who are following me coz of my tweets, yeh galti se bhi mat samajhna ki main tumhaari taraf hoon ya tum log bohat pasand ho. Mujhe bas joke se matlab hai. Socha clear kar du.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

Is there a way to uncrush on someone coz I have a life to live?

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

I have listened to so much music over the years, but abhi Antakshari khelne baitha do, wahi maayi ni maayi mundair pe teri shuru ho jayega.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

@narendramodi Happy Birthday. Party kahan hai?

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 months

😎

Sam Altman

@sama

3 months

is there a word for feeling nostalgic for the time period you’re living through at the time you’re living it?

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

Dedicated to my lovely maid who really cares for me.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

I think the girl was being sarcastic when she sang “Aap ki aa nazron ne samjha pyar ke kaabil mujhe”.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 months

Thank for subtitling it and posting it here. Ye kaam waise mera tha par main pati dhoondne mein busy tha

v. Jatin

@JatinTweets_

3 months

This Part 😂

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

Me: Bhaiya ek cig milegi? Shopkeeper: Sir lockdown chal raha hai, seedha cancer he lelo, baad mein pata ni miley na miley.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 years

Maine socha bata he du tum logo ko

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 years

@divinedre11 30+50 - (2+3)= 75

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

I hate being sober. Have to deal with every emotion like a human being.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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2 years

@varungrover Dhoop jyada nahi hai. Aapne aankh jyada khol rakhi hai.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 years

To those who are sad on Valentine’s Day, this one’s for you ❤️

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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3 years

If you grew up in the 90s- I’m still growing up.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

Guided meditation instructor: Listen to the sound of the birds. Listen to the sound of the fan, the sound of perhaps a distance noise, sound of vehicle passing by Me while meditating: Bhai chup karega tab sununga na.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

Till you’re 36 yrs old, technically, you’ve been a child for majority of your life so apne aap pe jyada pressure mat daalna. Bacche he ho so pant pe susu kar bhi di toh koi ni.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

Startup

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

My girlfriend didn’t listen to the songs I sent her so I’ve decided to sing those songs to her as a punishment.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

Can’t believe this.

Shriya Pilgaonkar

@ShriyaP

4 years

Superlative compliment. 🥴

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 years

Uploaded a new stand-up video. Good afternoon.

Team Animals - Stand-Up Comedy by Abhishek Upmanyu

Jokes about my first pet. Try to watch till the end. To Join the EMAIL list: https://forms.gle/Doh86ffsNinDxNsZ8Credits:Video Team: Abhishek Bhutwani, Gaurav...

www.youtube.com

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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3 years

Rent pe kapde

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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5 years

Hahahahahahahahaha

Bhuvan Bam

@Bhuvan_Bam

5 years

What actually happened at iifa awards 2019😂 #BBdubs #bhuvanbam #IIFA2019

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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3 years

Dharne pe ek aur participant bhi aayega - COVID

BJP

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3 years

The BJP has announced a nationwide dharna on 5th May against the widespread violence unleashed by TMC workers post the election results in West Bengal. This protest will be held following all Covid protocols across all organisational mandals of the BJP.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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3 years

Darr se deal

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

Meri gaadi pe yeh ni chodd ke gaye kabhi 😒

Cass Lowe

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7 years

Police catch a pigeon with 200 ecstasy pills hidden in a little backpack

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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23 days

I don’t have to look at porn, all I have to look at is between Z and K on my keyboard. Goodnight

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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3 years

Gym

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

Sperm is just one of those things, jitna miley cum hai.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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3 years

Baccha Video 3 saal purani hai par gharwaale aaj bhi wahi sochte hain.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

@be_a_bassi Arey jaate jaate tune take care likh dia, Ae bassi tune toh sher likh dia.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

1 year

Thank you for the response. Isi khushi mein next week main ek aur video upload kar dunga special se. Aur baaki special bhi next saal free mein daal dunga bas kisi ko turant he dekhna ho next week toh membership pe paid hoga. That’s it. Eventually it’ll all be free.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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5 years

The only thing worse than having to get up early is realising it was not needed.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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3 years

Happy New Year

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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5 years

*Calls Dad* Me: Dadddddddd Happy Father’s D- Dad: Match dekh raha hoon baad mein baat Karte hain

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

Once I somehow got access to chemistry question paper before the exam and I still got 40

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 months

@talk2anuradha Thank you for promoting my tour. Itne retweets toh mujhe ni aaye. Aapko aana ho show mein toh free hai. Special quota for you.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

We might be able to save the environment if the visa application people didn’t ask for the print out of the bank account statement of 6 months.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

Next time when you guys buy tickets, bas yeh dekh lena ki normal show hai ya trial show. Trial show sasta hoga aur ghatia hoga aur normal show mehanga hoga aur ghatia hoga.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

HAHAHAHAHA: I am actually laughing Hahahahahaha: It’s genuinely funny but I am not laughing coz I am dead from inside Hahaha: Just being polite Haha: Let’s end this conversation Ha: Sarcastic laugh h: Typo

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

Girl at a bar: Can I buy you a drink? Me: Can you buy me the nachos and fries?Utne he bill ayega.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

Happy Diwali to all of you from me and my finger.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

5PM was a good time to start beating the person next to you. If anything, the harder you beat them, the more you’re contributing.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

Jaish-e-Muh-mein-aa-gaye.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 years

privilege ko “privilege” sirf privileged log likhte hain

Pooja Bedi

@poojabeditweets

3 years

@Funnybee16 What privilege. ?? Beaches are available and accessible to every individual irrespective of what u consider privilege... We have a large coastline in India. It's only your state of mind (fearful or positive) that makes u avail the "privilege "

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

My driver just told me he used to drive for Asha Bhonsle and I asked if can smoke in the car and he said no, so I said janam samjha karo and he agreed

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

3 years

“The Disciple” by Chaitanya Tamhane on Netflix is a must watch.

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Abhishek Upmanyu

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4 years

She’ll hear a hathi cheenti joke and be like “LITERALLY no hathi and cheenti talk, joke marna hai toh theek se maaro na yaar”

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

5 years

Mera ho Gaya. I have achieved what I came for.

Dhruba Jyoti Chatterjee

@Dhrubajc

5 years

So, in the latest episode of Crime Patrol, the Police Inspector says, "Phone record ki baat mat karo, ab to stand-up comedian bhi mazaak banaane lage hain" 😂😂😂 @AbhiUpmanyu

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Abhishek Upmanyu

@AbhiUpmanyu

4 years

The beatiful thing about comedy is that you can turn every weakness of yours into material, except if your weakness is not knowing how to do it.

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