Allen Strickland Williams @TotallyAllen Twitter profile

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 month

there should be a second president that takes over at night...handles the night stuff

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 month

@schizesq @JayElHarris His pants are falling down because he gave his belt to a client.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

7 months

@hellolanemoore the best is when the qr code...is...printed out...like what are we doing here

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

2 months

The "I Voted" sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

4 months

Me at age 7 about to read another Clifford book

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Folks, the solution is clear. We have to come together—jocks, nerds, drama kids, and band geeks—to put on one last big show to save Twitter.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

10 months

Lemme tell ya right now why New York will never be able to hold a candle to the fever dream of Los Angeles. It's because nowhere in the tri-state area is there a fast casual chicken restaurant with a secret recipe for garlic sauce so good it drove its owner murderously insane.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

2 months

Vote!

𝙈𝙧𝙕𝙚𝙙🫧

@JidanSekh

2 months

What would you do in this situation?

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

5 months

Hell yeah. Get it, Jimmy.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

remember when big boat was stuck

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

9 months

@WinslowDumaine Idk if its just bc im sick but this is making me cry

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

@Andrew__Boley those are movie warehouses its where they make-a da movie

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

she's always been the one

popcultureangel

@lohanisgod

1 year

believe women

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

7 months

this is fun because you know PETA had to have a meeting about who was the hottest to effectively blend in at a fashion show

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

6 months

Women who have slept with more than 3 men, you have sanctuary with me.

Andrew Tate

@Cobratate

6 months

I reject all women who have slept with more than 3 men. Vile.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

ah yes the ultimate example of emasculation: having sex with rihanna

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑺𝒂𝒍𝒕 𝑶𝒇 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑬𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒉

@Shadaya_Knight

1 year

The emasculation of men continues...you can already tell who the man is in this relationship...that dude about to be a proud mother of 2😂😂😂

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

7 months

been saving my covid denier hall pass for this very moment

Decider

@decider

7 months

"My own industry thinks I'm a savage." #TheSopranos star Drea de Matteo says she joined OnlyFans after losing out on work for refusing to get COVID-19 vaccine:

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

8 months

Sorry, but if you escape from jail, you should be free. You beat the system. They had their chance. They messed up.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Vote.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

psst...if you're a renter and your building has speed queen washers/dryers just order a laundry key online. merry christmas and you're welcome.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

everyone talking about P-22 as if he's a domestic house cat or family pet. he was none of those things. he was my brother.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

10 months

motion to replace "fly too close to the sun" with "dive too close to the Titanic"

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

the people do not want balloons and UFOs floating. the people want big boat stuck.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

me when I'm completely sober: you'll never catch me on the dirty floor, crawling around like some sort of animal, no sir! I will be standing up or sitting on furniture thank you me after I've had one little sip of alcohol: ah1! my friend the ground...it's been too long old chap

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

10 months

Counterpoint: Things like tin can submarine, Trump getting COVID, big boat stuck, and Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls are the last vestiges of the monoculture and they are the only time social media is ever truly beautiful.

Los Angeles Times

@latimes

10 months

The reaction to the Titan submarine has shown that like a digital Tower of Babel, social media is evolving into an increasingly ugly and chaotic space — a real-time repository for our worst impulses and ill-formed thoughts that should be kept to ourselves.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

"Please listen carefully as our menu items have changed." You think I memorized the old ones? Get over yourself.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Absolutely.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

OK, maybe Dallas isn't allowed to have a zoo.

Jason Whitely

@JasonWhitely

1 year

#BREAKING : STOLEN MONKEYS: The @DallasZoo says someone has now stolen two our emperor tamarin monkeys. @DallasPD has opened an investigation. Just this month, a clouded leopard somehow escaped and a vulture died of mysterious circumstances.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

28 days

It's pretty crazy that Michael Keaton is both Batman and Beetlejuice. That is until you learn Keaton started as a stand-up. And in stand-up the two genders are Batman and Beetlejuice.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

6 months

THEY ARE OPENING A POPEYES IN THE GLENDALE GALLERIA. I REPEAT. THEY ARE OPENING A POPEYES IN THE GLENDALE GALLERIA.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Waystar Royco definitely owns The White Lotus hotel chain.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

This shirt actually goes soft?

shirts that go hard

@shirtsthtgohard

1 year

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

9 months

We gotta go back to studios being run by folks like Robert Evans—products of show business and true movie lovers who will eventually be busted for trafficking cocaine.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Vote!

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

12 days

Fucking gorgeous.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

4 months

Kenny Deforest was a lion. Rest easy, brother.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

4 months

@TheDonShlamon @esjesjesj u know how u have to be an american citizen to fly in an aieroplane

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

7 months

We live in hell.

Pubity

@pubity

7 months

Doctor says in 10 years time, humans will be able to live and work till the age of 120.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

I mean his name was Alex Murder it was all right there in front of us the entire time.

AFP News Agency

@AFP

1 year

#BREAKING Prominent US lawyer Alex Murdaugh found guilty of murdering wife and son

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

god damn is that one girl just gonna be in every movie now or what

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

9 months

VOTE!

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

smoking weed out of a pipe is so funny because it's like you're sherlock holmes, but you're high

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

6 months

Running into all 37 of my exes at the Postal Service show. They look great!

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

this is about rita moreno

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Why do we PARK in a DRIVEway and why does LIFE make us want to DIE?

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

4 months

your 30s are the worst thing that could possibly happen to you

☁️𝓕

@fillefoux

4 months

are your 30s better than your 20s? please say yes

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

3 months

Lettuce proceed to my chambers, m’lady

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

3 months

She's the one. Age is a number. Linda is the way. The vision. The light. The warmth when you're cold. A morsel when you're starving. I like a Grateful Dead song because she swayed to it in a show that lasted for one season 100 years ago. Immense power. I want her to destroy me.

Hispanic Shaun King

@okimstillhungry

3 months

I know she’s old but hear me out

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Do people understand that Barbie and Ken are dolls and not actual people? Why is everyone so dumb that it hurts?

Pop Tingz

@ThePopTingz

1 year

Ryan Gosling, 42, is being criticized on social media where many have labeled him as “too old to play Ken”.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

7 months

"Elvis" this, "Priscilla" that. Look, I think we all know there's one premier canon Presley picture and that is of course...

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

9 months

baby merch idea: onesie that says "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE BIB FELL OFF"

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

2 months

"Sierra Nevada mountain range, you better not be doing your impression of Italy when I get home." Sierra Nevada's disobedient ass...

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

8 months

“You better not be long hair sassy-on-stage Allen when I get home” Me:

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Hey, let's not forget that Diamond from Diamond and Silk was a real person. She was a daughter, a mother, a sister, and above all, she was a fucking idiot.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

9 months

@_RobertSchultz when I was young and still believed in Things Like Love I was maybe a month or two into dating and we started going to couples therapy and I was so naive I didn't realize that seeing Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale walking out as we walked in was an omen that it was already over

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

I'm pissed off, sick but not covid sick so WHO CARES, got mold in my apartment, can't sleep to save my life, have fully given up on ever getting the writing job I started stand-up comedy in the first place to get, and the only man who can help me right now is named PERRY MASON.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

It was hard on all of us.

Decider

@decider

1 year

The failure of Quibi reportedly led to Reese Witherspoon's divorce:

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

6 months

Gal, Gadon't.

Quds News Network

@QudsNen

6 months

Israeli actress Gal Gadot will organize a screening of a propaganda 47-minute video provided by the Israeli military in #LA and #NY . #US

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Being home is going very well, thanks for asking. My mother just explained to me how the shower works at the house I grew up in.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

8 months

well I can see why they're gonna kill us all now

MachinePix

@MachinePix

8 months

DeepMind training bipedal robots to play soccer using deep reinforcement learning.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

In my natural element. Making my peers laugh uncontrollably.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

6 months

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, “There’s no better place to experience suicidal ideation than at a Rick Caruso property.”

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

5 months

so matt's not rife for parody???

No Jumper

@nojumper

8 years

. @BRANDONWARDELL made a joke about @ItsMattRife and now Matt is riding out trying to fight him at a skatepark LOL

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

11 months

Idk sounds like she achieved freedom 30 years ago

The Messenger

@TheMessenger

11 months

EXCLUSIVE: Susan Smith, who has been in jail for 30 years for drowning her kids, is making a pitch for freedom

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

4 months

In Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" he says "the choir of children sing their song, they practiced all year long" and then these jokers just sing "ding dong" over and over. Did we really need all year for that?

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Just had a terrifying thought—an Australian pronouncing the word noir.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

4 months

What the fuck are you talking about

The Hollywood Reporter

@THR

4 months

Executives were expecting a deluge of pitches after the writers strike, but that didn’t arrive: "If come January and February, it’s still crickets, then we have a problem"

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

say what you want about sobriety and i'm sure one day I'll have to do it but it is pretty awesome how everything can be just an absolute insane shit show with no end in sight or sign of getting better and you can have one little sip of alcohol and your mind is like "we got this"

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

3 months

Hell yeah. I can't wait to download Our House In The Middle of the Street by The Talking Heads.

LimeWire

@limewire

4 months

LimeWire is back - Follow Us!

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

10 months

@aperobot not what I said but famously no one in new york reads

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

4 months

We live in hell.

More Perfect Union

@MorePerfectUS

4 months

It shouldn’t be controversial to say that everyone should be able to retire comfortably.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

10 months

Still ain’t gonna get you the CEO job babe

Film Updates

@FilmUpdates

10 months

Sarah Snook to play all 26 characters in theater adaption of Oscar Wilde’s ‘THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY’ at London’s West End.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

10 months

@Antistanman2k23 @Travon @Herring_NBA no that stuff cost him. it cost him dearly. it cost him his very soul.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

9 months

@benmillerMKE @travishelwig @justin_halpern @DEADLINE clearly...not?

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

dream blunt rotation

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Idk call me crazy but I think alcohol is gonna be ok

Sturgeon's Law

@Sturgeons_Law

1 year

It’s so over for alcohol. Study after study the last few years finding it has no real health benefits and even a small amount is worse for you than not drinking any.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

One of the best parts of The Social Network is in a deposition scene when Rashida Jones is like, "The site got twenty-two hundred hits in one night?" and Zucky goes "Twenty-two thousand." And then she turns her head, takes a beat, and goes, "Wow." Sublime.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

lol just absolutely laughing at the fact that my half hour came out and I was the tightest I've ever been as a comic and instead of touring off it the world shut down so now i'm googling how to do a 45 minute set. comedy is hilarious. dead crow comedy two shows tonight!!!

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

6 months

My old ass including credits for shows that no longer exist trying to get booked around town

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

9 months

Y'all know 'bout Small Towns and what they value. Community. Love of your fellow man. Having each other's backs. The cops covering up vehicular manslaughter because the driver was the son of the guy who owned the most land in the county. Ritualistic murders. Small Town stuff!

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

8 months

Anytime I hear someone talking about being shadowbanned I'm like are you sure you're not just a loser? Because that sounds like something a loser would say.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

8 months

not saying comedy is in a "boom" per se but it is a tad suspect when you come across a comic with hundreds of thousands of followers across four apps connected to seven different podcast networks which each have a deal with one of our five megacorporations but they got zero jokes

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

9 months

No. THEIR Job Was Beach.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

7 months

No...that's the dude from The Bear and Laverne Cox

Pop Base

@PopBase

7 months

Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet at the US Open.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

John Mulaney is a psyop to find out if you're cool or not and I have very bad news for a lot of Twitter.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

2 months

sup girl I recorded my album

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

The secret to driving in heavy LA rain? Instead of being VERY high, just be a LITTLE high.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

honestly? a little too wordy for my taste

Variety

@Variety

1 year

"'Succession' without writers is just 'The Apprentice,' and look how THAT worked out," reads a sign from the writers picket line in Hollywood.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

Russell Brand is absolutely terrifying. We gotta go back in time and nip that whole thing right in the bud.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

I mean his name isn't Good Bunny...should have seen this one coming

The A.V. Club

@TheAVClub

1 year

Bad Bunny tossed a fan's phone in a body of water, and he'd do it again

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

3 months

I'm really trying to make friends, but I keep winding up in the fuckzone.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

4 months

Also when Ron Desantis isn't talking he stands at the podium like a horse entering deep REM sleep.

Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

4 months

When the party is doing well.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

9 months

Los Angeles (a town which is at its best when you're not working) is about to realize its full potential. New York will be cooked in less than a fortnight. I hear they're gonna move the White House.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

It’s called style. Ever heard of it?

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

2 months

I've never been staffed in a writers' room, but I know it has nothing to do with my race. It's because I'm a really cool guy. No one talks about the nerd bias in the entertainment industry. That changes today.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

8 months

Y'all ever wake up early?

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

10 months

The best part about Owen Benjamin going completely batshit is I've seen him bomb in the Yoohoo Room.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

1 year

It's so funny it costs 8 dollars. Nothing in the history of the world has ever cost 8 dollars. 8 dollars is the dumbest amount anything could ever cost. Why doesn't it cost 5 dollars? Or something really absurd like 1 dollar? 8 dollars. Eight. The most normal number. It's nuts.

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Allen Strickland Williams

@TotallyAllen

11 months

I think we may be overreacting to the HBO Max thing because in a couple of years there'll be another corporate merger or spin-off that will make this all obsolete and then in another couple of years we'll be fighting for water so...yeah. Call it whatever you want.

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