Alexandra Petri @petridishes Twitter profile | Pikagi

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Alexandra Petri

@petridishes

174,958

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Blogs & columns for @WashingtonPost . No pun is beneath me. AP’s US HISTORY out 4/11!

https://t.co/0xfl9Jo4lG

Joined June 2009

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@petridishes

Alexandra Petri

1 year

hello friends this is my book (out April 11) and I would love very much if you pre-ordered it! if you like moby dick jokes, Richard Nixon jokes, or Emily Dickinson jokes, it is the book for you! now to post this at 6 pm on a Friday for maximum engagement

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@petridishes

Alexandra Petri

8 years

finally the whole country will watch as a woman stands politely listening to a loud man's bad ideas about the field she spent her life in

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

debate drinking game!: continue to drink continuously as you have been doing for the past six months

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

does Donald Trump genuinely think he is supposed to eliminate someone each week

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

Why Didn’t Judge Use A Nicer Tone When Sentencing That Man Who Was Just Convicted Of Molesting More Than 140 Children, Concerned Internet Gentleman Wants To Know

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

goodnight Obama goodnight moon goodnight legally unrestricted womb

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

skirts at Fox News today will be lowered to half-mast

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

what if as a nation we just did one BIG Kickstarter once a year to help everyone pay medical bills instead of 327 million individual ones

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

honestly the Star Wars saga is just the story of three generations of people bullying c3po

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

21: excited for shots!!!! 2021: excited for shots!!!!!

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

why doesn’t Howard Schultz just try to go to space like a regular billionaire

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

please some foreign leader or spouse buy a novelty arm for the Trump Handshake so when he yanks it just comes off

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

of course lack of compromise caused the civil war! if iron man had just— oh the actual civil war? no that was definitely because of slavery

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

big news!!!! just got a lovely email from a guy I think was trying to liken me to 18th century philosopher Immanuel Kant but he must be really bad at spelling and capitalizing

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

tomorrow night if Mayor Pete doesn't answer every question in Norwegian i swear to gosh

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

horror movie where millennials manage to buy a house but it’s haunted by the ghosts of all the things millennials have killed “what was that?” “oh my god Jessica it’s GOLF”

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

has this been done?

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

so if i am understanding correctly, a fair process should happen neither in public nor behind closed doors, not with witnesses nor without witnesses, quickly but in due time, neither by day nor by night

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

who’s Joy

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Alexandra Petri

6 months

turns out that Having Rights is still inexplicably popular

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

DON’T LET DEMOCRATS KEEP RUINING AMERICA WHICH IS STRONGER THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN BUT ALSO MUST BE SAVED BY DONALD TRUMP WHO IS THE BEST PRESIDENT EVER AND HAS BEEN HINDERED AT EVERY TURN ANY BAD THING NOW IS FROM THE BIDEN FUTURE AND UNLESS YOU VOTE TRUMP THE CHAOS WILL CONTINUE

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

ten writing rules 1. find exactly the right place to sit 2. better get coffee also 3. turn off the internet we're WRITING 4. but i have a question only the internet can answer 5. more coffee! 6. maybe i got an important email 7. how is the coffee shop closing 8. oh no

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

is this how people get to talk if they don't spend their entire lives being scrutinized for tone

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

ugh can’t believe I wasted all these years believing in the power of institutions when I could have believed in something fun like horoscopes

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

we regret to inform you that none of the accurate things the president said were soothing and none of the soothing things were accurate

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

we are all just ideas in the mind of Marianne Williamson and if she stops believing in us even for a second we’ll all vanish

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

if Marianne Williamson can teach the enormous tortoise beneath the world to love, it just might end climate change

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Alexandra Petri

1 year

little-known fact: if the speaker vote goes to a seventh ballot John Quincy Adams rises from the sea astride a seahorse of enormous dimensions and the winner has to fight him

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Alexandra Petri

2 years

love to make controversial political statements like “let’s continue to have democracy”

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Alexandra Petri

8 years

from Jabba the Hutt's perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him

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Alexandra Petri

1 year

for a terrifying hour tonight millions of Americans will have to guess on their own whom to hate

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

Crucified Man Had Had Prior Run-Ins With Local Authorities

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

man if I were a newspaper I would be using the headline BIDEN HIS TIME every day the count continues and then if he hits 270 switch to BIDEN: HIS TIME

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Alexandra Petri

2 years

the use of gazpacho tactics by Nancy Pelosi is chilling

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

look at least the bombs weren't rude to anyone in a restaurant

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

they say that pointing out that the midpoint age of the candidates is now 77.5 is mean but actually it’s median

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Alexandra Petri

9 months

I didn’t think I wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice but the lifestyle sounds amazing

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

a catcall should be when you go to someone’s home explicitly to visit with their cat (“Hello, I’ve come to pay a catcall”)

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

what part of It Is An Evil Bad Policy That Is The Fault Of Democrats But Also It Is A Good Policy That God Explicitly Wants Us To Obey seems inconsistent to you

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

I hope 2019 is just one year

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

what is so sad about this story is that if true it means they haven’t opened any of the books until this morning

@abbydphillip

Abby D. Phillip

4 years

WH Press Sec Stephanie Grisham claims Obama aides left 'you will fail" notes in offices for Trump aides: “We came into the WH, I’ll tell you something. Every office was filled with Obama books and we had notes left behind that said ‘you will fail,’ ‘you aren’t going to make it,’”

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

*runs panting in an hour late* of course dr fauci didn’t want anyone to catch anything!!!

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

not enjoying this bonus week of 2020 content for hardcore fans

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

it’s a bit peculiar that astronauts put on their space suits when outside the space station, yet wear ordinary uniforms inside it

@mkraju

Manu Raju

4 years

McEnany says “it’s a bit peculiar” that Biden doesn’t wear a mask when in the basement by his wife but “he’s wearing one outdoors when he’s socially distant.”

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

usually nobody recalls him

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Alexandra Petri

7 days

love to listen to Supreme Court oral arguments about fun hypotheticals like “if you have a womb is it possible you aren’t a person” and “should we have a king”

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

people of means silver spoon havers fiscally tinged wealth-charged the butler-adjacent

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New York Post

5 years

Howard Schultz: We're not billionaires, we're 'people of means'

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

why did we abandon “my favorite poet randomly gave me a private tour of Hell” as a plot that books could have

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

this plan to stop slapping people in the face is a slap in the face to all those who were slapped in the face

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

sorry no tweets for a little while i read the memo and it was indeed 100x bigger than what started the American Revolution so I had to rush from Boston on horseback to rouse the people

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

I Did Not Like It One Bit When The President Stabbed That Little Girl In The Leg, commented one senator on his way to vote against trees

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

when someone tells you who they are 8599 times believe them

@NBCNews

NBC News

6 years

@kwelkernbc “Quiet!” President Trump says to a reporter: “She’s so obnoxious. Quiet.”

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

it's election eve not election steve

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

okay leaving aside the 800000000 other more pressing concerns about this concept why would you not use the tagline MAKE AMERICA DATE AGAIN

@timkmak

Tim Mak

6 years

There is a website called , and you have to be straight to use it:

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

mueller's is new york's hottest club this club has everything indictments catfishing vladimir putin's niece $934,350 worth of carpet

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

this didn’t age well

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

i hope 2020 is just one year

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

this Mitt Romney vote reminds me of how I feel whenever I see a dad toting around a baby — I‘m a little embarrassed that I’m so excited to see someone do something that should just be standard! and yet somehow it isn’t, so

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

i obviously meant to shout "I DON'T OBJECT" sorry that i ruined your wedding

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

this used to be a humor column before I became a tangled fog of pulsating rage

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Opinion | Some interpersonal verbs, conjugated by gender

She should have been responsible. He cannot have been responsible.

www.washingtonpost.com

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Alexandra Petri

1 year

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

Cancel Culture would be a good name for a racehorse

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

I have just read 25 books and I am here to perform your open-heart surgery

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Opinion | I have just read 25 books and am here to perform your open-heart surgery

I would describe medicine as more of a “recent hobby.”

www.washingtonpost.com

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

why do I feel 100% convinced that in a few hours a translator is going to have to slowly and painstaking retell Donald Trump’s electoral college victory

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

me usually: i will wear one outfit today and read a few pages of a single book me packing: each day will demand a casual, formal and In Case Of Spillage ensemble and i need at least THREE books for the hour plane ride and I will arise at 6 to lift weights and must bring equipment

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

sometimes I think donald trump is the only person living in that alternative universe where Hillary Clinton is president

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

ugh the one huge upside of announcing your divorce this month is you can use May Divorce Be With You as the headline of your announcement and they didn't even do that!

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

our president is always eager to point out that a boot might possibly have been damaged in the course of crushing a face

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

me 10 years ago: the unrealistic thing about the Star Wars prequels is that there were jedi everywhere and within like 18 years they're suddenly a forgotten religion of the ancient past? me yesterday: i wonder what it must have been like to be alive during the 2018 olympics

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

Why Is No One Talking About Substance, asks the brave Commentator, glowering at Beto, as Elizabeth Warren’s thirty-eighth detailed policy proposal flutters to the ground behind him unregarded

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

wait I’m confused literally are you not wearing the same

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

it’s in Amy Klobuchar’s contract that it snows every time she makes a significant public outdoor address

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

the twist is that at the end of the meal you realize that you didn’t come to the restaurant after all and in fact you too are a 1940s-era mannequin

@nycjim

Jim Roberts

4 years

To comply with social distancing guidelines, luxury restaurant in northern Virginia will have 1940s-era mannequins occupying 50 percent of the tables.

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

you can't even feel safe saying, ‘Good morning, may I utilize your womb' to women anymore

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

Falwell That Ends Well

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Alexandra Petri

2 years

Stephen Sondheim said in one of his many talks about the process of writing that "if you can take the song out, if it doesn’t leave a hole, then the song’s not necessary." What a void he leaves. How necessary his songs were.

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Alexandra Petri

2 years

I look down at the face of my sleeping child and I vow: If this baby’s life is even one particle easier than mine was, I will burn this whole place down!

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Opinion | Stop improving things right now! Everyone must suffer as I did!

I have received word life is getting better for some, and I am white-hot with fury!

www.washingtonpost.com

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

when Alan Dershowitz arrives at the Vineyard all the little whales on people’s shorts pointedly turn in the other direction

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

“Yes, I was emotional last Thursday. I hope everyone can understand I was there as a son, husband and dad.” “Sir this is an Arby’s”

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

At This Time I’d Like To Resign From My Job Working On This Death Star

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

man this kislyak guy must be the least memorable conversationalist ever because like NO ONE remembers talking to him

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

why do I have so few non-murdered friends, Richard III asked sadly

@AP

The Associated Press

5 years

Facebook says its effort to provide users with local news is being hindered by a lack of original reporting. U.S. newsroom employment has declined by 45 percent as the industry struggles with a broken business model partly caused by Facebook's success.

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

they’d been whistleblowing on this for weeks and he just... speaked it out

@CNNPolitics

CNN Politics

5 years

President Trump says he wants both Ukraine and China to investigate Joe Biden and his son

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

shorter sarah sanders: don’t know these people never met one day they just volunteered to run the campaign and we were too polite to say no

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Alexandra Petri

4 years

Don Quixote is like “finally an ally in my fight against these windmills”

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

if we start accepting slippery slope fallacies soon we’ll just accept fallacies of all kinds

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Alexandra Petri

8 years

i bet if tim kaine has leaked voicemails at the DNC they were all reminders to stay hydrated

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

thought Nick Carraway was my friend he came to all my parties and just found out he used my entire romantic history leading up to my death in a pool as the centerpiece of his novel to symbolize the American dream????

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

*deep in its mattress a bedbug overturns a tiny table in rage and indignation*

@Fahrenthold

David Fahrenthold

5 years

BREAKING: Doral won’t host the G-7 after all. @realdonaldtrump — who two days ago awarded a massive summit to himself— now says he is taking it back from himself. Story coming...

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Alexandra Petri

7 years

La La Land should have campaigned more in Wisconsin

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

if an optics win is when you spend three hours shouting conspiracy theories at someone who politely refuses to engage, i should have had a lot more success dating

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Alexandra Petri

3 years

I See No Choice But To Resign From My Job On This Death Star

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Opinion | I see no choice but to resign from this Death Star as it begins to explode

The only thing I hate more than Alderaan is consequences.

www.washingtonpost.com

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Alexandra Petri

8 years

ugh women presidents take so long to get ready literally 227 years

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

Scott Pruitt is resigning in order to spend more money with his family

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

is Eleanor Shellstrop okay

@KMOV

KMOV

5 years

Cocaine found in shrimp, new study reveals #KMOV

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

this just shows the importance of building a strong personal bran

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

Warren: I don’t understand why anybody goes to the trouble of running for president of the United States just to say all the things we can’t do and shouldn’t fight for

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

My name is Ozymandias, king of kings; Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

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Alexandra Petri

5 years

be careful! if the President feels cornered he might for the first time start behaving erratically

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Alexandra Petri

6 years

but does Jared Kushner still have access to the president’s most trusted source of top-level information, days-old broadcasts of Fox and Friends?

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