3 weeks in and she's lost the markets $500 billion. not saying that's grounds for dismissal or anything but i once nearly lost my job for buying a curry with a company card
One day they’ll be gone. Sure they’ll be writing columns for the Telegraph and publishing tedious memoirs and presenting documentaries about kings and railways but they’ll be gone. The whole relentlessly incompetent and vile lot of them will be gone. And it will be a good day. 🥃
It doesn't matter what the PM said at the homeless shelter, it's the fact that someone in his team thought a man worth £730m giving a homeless person a plate of sausages and eggs would be good PR.
On June 25th 2019, presenter Ross Kempsell asked Boris Johnson "What do you do to relax?" And in that moment, my life changed forever.
It's now my last day at my office job before I embark on a career in comedy.
Forgive the sentimental tweet but my god thank you for sharing..
[to the tune of ymca]
white man
there’s no need to wade in
I said white man
just don’t even begin
I said white man
this is a talk about race
it just
does
not
app
ly
to
you
Just watching Tory MPs on Twitter taking issue with Marcus Rashford. Imagine watching a man doing everything he can to feed hungry children and your first thought being "whoa hold on there".
I know how ill coronavirus makes you. It was entirely right for Dom Cummings to find childcare for his toddler, when both he and his wife were getting ill.
LORD HESELTINE: don't vote tory
GOVE: I have great respect for you but I disagree
STORMZY: don't vote tory
GOVE: wagwan bruv what u chattin bout n ting lol
“I supported the PM until now” says colleague who was presumably fine with the misogyny, lying, bullying, cheating, racism, greed, elitism and general staggering ineptitude and vileness.
Just for the record, I've been in the same room as Suella Braverman and she is a thundering volcanic halfwit. She shouldn't be left alone near a toaster by herself never mind the home office.
“It’s only their lunch. It’s not all meals every day. It’s enough for lunches for a child for a week… usually.”
Tory MP Pauline Latham defends the free school meals policy.
The PM could be photographed on a rocking horse, dressed as Stalin, drinking neat gin from a glass sculpture of a food bank and Michael Fabricant will say 'I know some teachers who did that' and that will be that because nothing matters.
I think to clear all of this up, Priti Patel should give an in-depth interview.
Without too much prep.
And plenty of pauses because it helps when I edit.
Someone has coached Liz Truss to moderate her body language and facial expressions. I understand the ploy to hoover up Thatcherites by appearing icy but there’s ‘icy’ and there’s ‘animatronic corpse’.
Not that you need me to point this out but if you have a burning desire to be creative and to work in the arts, do NOT rethink, reskill or reboot. Just keep fucking going.
Grant Shapps says face masks will be compulsory on public transport.
Also big announcement due regarding the closing of stable doors following a big spike last month in bolted horses.
Stay alert
Have a barbecue
But make it a small one
Don’t invite Geoff he’s got underlying health problems
Take him a plate of sausages or something later
And a beer
That’s okay probably
Save lives
Why don’t these hungry families just forage? Every morning I go to my top turret (because that provides the best view of my orchard) and I pick the most bountiful tree. What is stopping these people from going to *their* top turrets? It’s just laziness.
We will learn from this, he said.
All his life his entitlement has made him immune to the consequences of his reckless actions, which is fine if you just want to be a lying journalist or an adulterer.
It’s a bit different if you want to be PM. I hope he’s learnt that at least.
In all seriousness Matt Hancock needs to give a frank and open interview about this because it’s in the public interest and also because I’ve not done him for a while.