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Lily Potkin Profile
Lily Potkin

@MissPotkin

26,919
Followers
358
Following
995
Media
5,428
Statuses

Bandit

Bad Guy House
Joined December 2013
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Two days ago, I decided to stop doing the dishes. I make all the dinners and I am tired of having to do all the cleaning too. SINCE THEN this pile has appeared and at some point they are going to run out of spoons and cups and plates. Who will blink first? Not me.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
So my friend called me this morning to talk about something that happened to her last night. She’s been trying to find someone to date…extremely casually. She doesn’t have time for a full blown relationship and basically all she wants is a nice man to have sex with.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
I see that judgey fucking Twitter has woken up so let me say this once and be clear - We do not 'live like this'. This is a lesson in wanting to be heard and respected and not having to repeat yourself when things slip. We're navigating the day-today in extraordinary times and
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
We keep our homes tidy because love. We cook food and set tables and fill the air with scents of roses and fresh laundry because love. Love is patient but love is also fucking tired because she works 14 hour days.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
for me, the past two days have been funnier than anything else. I think we're all entitled to run our own experiments, be amused, push a situation to its limit if we so choose. No one needs to be lectured by those that have failed to see the silly joy in what's happening here.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
FUCKING HELL, IT’S HAPPENING!
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Day 3 - they’ve used the last of the big bowls and they’ve run out of spoons. No one is saying anything about the big pile but I can hear their brains ticking. No, family, I will not be loading the dishwasher today.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
I know we are ALL tired but I am most tired. Me. I AM ALL THE TIRED.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Let me know when you want to talk about the fact that I stopped doing the laundry too. It’s getting a bit post apocalyptic. The piles are everywhere.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
NOT ME FUCKERS.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Her asks her to take her clothes off. “Why?” “Come on!” *she looks at her Tupac t-shirt* “Are you a Biggie fan?” I am dead.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
You’re gonna have good days, bad days, and a lot of fuck it days, but people don’t like being taken for granted, especially by the ones they love the most. Period.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
There is a pan on the cooker with a single sausage in it. It’s been there for two days. I can’t look at it because it’s turned the colour of the man that washes up in Cast Away.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Someone just discovered the joy of scraping rock hard old cereal off a bowl. Big day, BIG, huge.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
27 seconds of trying to scape that bowl, now multiply that by 6, and then multiply that by 7, then subtract the number of fucks I have left to give.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
WE HAVE MOVEMENT! The bin is being emptied after 965 days.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
The sausage of death.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
WE MADE IT! (I’m not doing that again)
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
*sucks teeth*
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Spoke too soon. Irish has resorted to making tea with the baby’s weaning spoon and it using the emergency cup.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
SOMEONE JUST FORGOT THAT THERE’S NO TOILET ROLL IN THE DOWNSTAIRS LOO. Omg this is exciting.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
And his penis looks “like a 10 day old lonely saveloy, placed in the middle of a cheeseboard, that’s smothered in salmon terrine” Excuse me.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
BUT LOOK! Toilet roll has appeared! The downstairs loo is back in action!
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
It’s at this point that I want to let you know that my friend is a scientist. She thinks like a scientist. She behaves like a scientist. I am the only person in the world she likes.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
The last of the loo roll in the downstairs loo was used at 7:04pm last night. It hasn’t been replaced. They downstairs loo is now out of action for anyone that remembers. For anyone that doesn’t...god help them.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
“You’ve really made no effort” he tells her, as though she’s 5 years old and has failed to reproduce Michelangelo’s David with a tin of spam.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
And every other loo! The toilet paper stacking is extremely Costco. There’s A LOT. Everywhere. SO MUCH LOO ROLL.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Help me understand, you message a women and agree to meet for coffee in the afternoon over the weekend. You want to have a video call with her before the date, presumably to verify whether you find her attractive. When that call happens, you decide it’s better to do it naked?
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Readers…she went with it.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Fin.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
4:41pm The dishwasher still isn’t on. The stress.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
@BibiLynch GET IN LINE. I’m already outside his house.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
She takes a moment then whispers “fuck you, weirdo” before hanging up.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
The dishwasher is now on.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
*David Attenborough voiceover* Now this is a most fascinating pile, a rare mix of items that historians will struggle to explain in years to come...
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
3 days. 3 days of not washing or picking up or tidying. 😂
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Going for a shower to cleanse my soul.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Well it’s happened ❤️
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
*David Attenborough’s extremely excited voice* Here we have some uniform, fragments of a monitor arm and some school uniform, all bundled closely together in the corner of the spare room. It’s been there for 36 days, unmoving, biding its time, but for WHAT? The mysteries of man.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Q - Do I switch on the dishwasher? It’s killing me. Knowing the dishwasher is full but just sitting there is KILLING ME.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
He has positioned the camera so that he appears much like Rose in Titanic but instead of a glorious bosom, he presents a thatched chest that has the potential to hold back Russian forces for 6 months minimum. His legs are casually thrown over the side of the bed…
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
I am cry laughing. I am cry laughing so hard.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Me: Did you not want to switch the dishwasher on earlier? Irish: I ran out of time Me: Irish:
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Him: I want you to choke Her: On what? Him: Choke Her: *she feigns the sound of choking but like she’s choking on broccoli*
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Dinner is happening. I have used two pans and one knife. The last knife. I’ve got 3 more pans and then it’s baking sheets :(
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
He tries to get this shit show of a sex show back under control Him: I want to see your tears Her: Sorry? Him: Cry, I’m going to make you cry Her: How? Him: By going so deep
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
THAT IS NOT WORSE THAN ‘LIVE LAUGH LOVE’ but yeah, it’s close. I fucking hate myself. 🤮
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
How is your day going? How are your meetings? How are you feeling? This is bad. Why? Because she’s basically Michael Douglas walking into that diner every minute of every single day. Bitch has to do gant charts and pivot tables. SHE DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR CHIT CHAT.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
1. Commando roll off the bed. Camera is a phone so it looks EXTRA action shot-ey 2. Pretend you’re eating fistfuls of broccoli 3. Cry but like one of those clowns from the circus, cry like you’re explaining crying to an idiot Repeat.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
“Take it off, I want to see you” “It’s cold” “Take it off” “No” She snaps and decides she is NEVER taking it off and the more he insists, the more she wants to smother him to death.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
She looks at him, breathless, not in a sexy way, in the her lung capacity is shit way because we spend all our time smoking and eating pizza.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
MOTHERF...
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
“I’m disappointed in you”
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Then he asks her to get her laptop. EXCUSE ME? HE wants her to get the laptop so she can show him all the angles of her body 🙄. Now if you know my friend, you know that he lost her at “can you get…” because AIN’T NOBODY MOVING if life is not in imminent danger.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
She has two options 1. Call out his absurd nakedness because none of their interactions have remotely dipped into the realm of sexy thus far Or 2. Go with it. She doesn’t want a husband, just orgasms and silence
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
He wants to do a video call before their ‘date’. Fair. She could be hideous or a Tory so it’s what I would do. Problem is that she’s busy. SHE IS A BUSY WOMAN. They don’t find time to call before the scheduled date so it gets pushed. Then, last night he messages her…
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
So she matches with a guy on Tinder. Great. And they set up a date for Sunday, so far so good. Now her first mistake is not telling him from the start that she just wants a nice man to have sex with, so he sends messages. Many many many messages.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Me walking into the kitchen Him: Don’t step there! There’s mess on the floor! *starts cleaning* Wait what?
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
God give me strength.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
He doesn’t understand why her choking is extremely dramatic or why she’s using a knife and fork
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Urgh no, stand down, hand wash.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
OH BUT WAIT!
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
She refuses to get the laptop and he starts to get a little frustrated. But not enough to not start masturbating. Yes. Oh yes. He is now touching himself.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Completely naked.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Guys...
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
DOES HE KNOW?
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
“Free to chat?” She looks down at the Tupac t-shirt she’s wearing and decides yes, yes she is free to chat and dressed appropriately for seduction. They jump on a call.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
4 months
The only Saltburn review you need to see.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
He is naked.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
There I said it.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Again, she hasn’t managed his expectations well but let’s see what happens…
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
OH MY GOOOOOD.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
And then, just when you think there is no way you could ever love or respect a man such as this, he pulls out…
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
He stops touching himself.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
“Hey!” “Hi, nice to meet you finally!”
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
She responds the only way any sane person would in such a situation…
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
@metroOval *pulls up a chair* Let me tell you about a place called Essex
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Hey, before you tweet something nasty to me or weaponise a tweet about laundry to somehow justify your weird gender war agenda, or attack my parenting or family, can I just say, I’m a totally normal person who’s a bit fucked off with dishes and you don’t need to be a cunt today?
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Graffiti in Margate is proper savage.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
@bear_faced_lady All in a Tupac t-shit. Tears. Actual tears.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
I have no idea who this belongs to but MY GOD…this may be the best advert I’ve ever read. 😂
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
@halfsack1981 Good one ‘Ian’
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
I haven’t made the Halloween costumes for this year yet. I don’t know how I’m going to top last year.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
My only thought is I hope the queen was able to hold him in her arms and they were able to say “I love you”. That’s all you want at the end isn’t it? Love and knowledge that your life meant something to someone.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
4 months
The internet is FAST 👌🏼
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Morning! (The house smells of bleach)
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
MORNING! Not a single cereal bowl in sight. It’s going to be a beautiful day.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
This is how you review a product.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
2 years
Oh god I love this bird so much! 😂
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
11:08pm and I’ve just received the news that I’ve landed my dream job. I work with the nicest people, have the most supportive managers a gal could dream of and I for the first time in my life HAVE MANIFESTED MY OWN SUCCESS. I’m not going to lie. I’m crying.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Where is my stuff?
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
@LozMintster Tomorrow will be better. Love to you and thank you. x
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
Imagine feeling so entitled that you think it’s acceptable to tear a stranger down this way. You work on you, bebe. I’m going to be fine.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
@BCDreyer It’s all too much.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
It’s cute and funny and I beg you just take yourself off my comments if you’re not going to enjoy this petty stand that will undoubtedly end in fits of laughter and a swoony kiss of the ages.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Want to hear something terrible? Well I’m going to tell you anyway, this is how it goes…
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
For the past 24 hours, Americans have been Googling images of saveloys and then crying themselves to sleep. Beautiful.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
3 years
It’s my papa’s 74th birthday today. My papa is a legend.
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@MissPotkin
Lily Potkin
1 year
Made a few mistakes today, this is how it goes…
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