Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Twitter profile

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

9 months

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident. They put me in the ICU.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 month

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?! I was taken aback....what a weird way to start a conversation.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants. Now they’re tenants.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China. He says he can't complain.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

4 years

A man walks into a bar. Lucky bastard.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

This dad making his son tired before their flight is genius…

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

No more Suez Canal jokes! That ship has sailed.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?” “I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir? Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician. And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

Why can't Trump go to the White House anymore? Because it is FOR BIDEN.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

Why do astronauts use linux? because you can't open windows in space.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

4 years

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

There can be 100 people in a room. And 99 won't slap you, but one Will.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?” I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: 0Mg.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" No sun.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry? 58.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes. She was lack toes intolerant.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

How do you deal with a sad astronaut? Just give them some space.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?” Dude 2: “Brochure”

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

6 months

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

8 months

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus. Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My boss has threatened to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

My partner asked me if I could stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. But other times I let her sleep in.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis. I replied, "That's 15 love."

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings. When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

I've decided I want a pet termite. I'm going to call him Clint. Clint Eatswood.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?! I was taken aback....what a weird way to start a conversation.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed? Everybody.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days... ...Just set it to the name of the current UK Prime minister and you should be fine.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory - just one byte then everything crashed.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

I remember 2022 like it was yesterday.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Did you know that if you sneeze and fart at the same time... Your body takes a screenshot.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

Two antennas got married. The wedding was ok. But the reception was incredible.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet? They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with tennis - and I'm too old. I said: "I'm only 40 love."

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

4 years

Due to the quarantine... I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes It Taurus apart.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around. Then IT hit me!

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

8 months

When dad is still your hero…

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair. I’ve heard nothing since.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

9 months

The perfect date doesn’t exi-

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It’s just… Soda pressing.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument where I was winning. It was a booby trap.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic. Me: But my name isn't David. Doctor: I know. I'm David.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it’s terminal.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

8 months

🤣🤣

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

8 months

How a dad makes his son tired before their flight 🥺

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

My son asked me what procrastinate means. I said: “I’ll tell you later.”

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

I accidentally took my cats meds last night.. Don't ask meow.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion. They said he'll be given a tough sentence.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a Fanta Sea.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

What’s the difference between a ruble and a dollar? A dollar.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

4 years

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore. W.H.O. let the dogs out!

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

I’m at the airport and there’s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel! She’s slowly coming around now.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Is "buttcheeks" one word? Or should I spread them apart?

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

3 years

I figured out why Teslas are so expensive. It’s because they charge a lot.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning. It's a baby girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz. I am a Dad!

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

I accidently drank invisible ink. I'm now in the hospital waiting to be seen.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

8 months

These dads creating tiktoks to embarrass their daughters is hilarious 🤣

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

I made a playlist for hiking. it has music from The Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem. I call it my Trail mix.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money. So I got up and looked with him.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?” I said “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

l overdosed on viagra the other day. It was the hardest day of my life.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

This is ridiculous! We're 364 days away from Christmas And people already have their lights up on their house.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

5 years

"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?" No idea, they just ransomware.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

8 months

The name’s Pond,

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

What do you call a tiny mother? A minimum.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up. I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My mate David had his ID stolen... I now call him Dav

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

2 years

Doctor: I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon. Me Why?

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.” I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes

1 year

My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection. She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

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Dad Jokes

@Dadsaysjokes